hathoreros
Nov 9, 2010, 03:24 PM
I'm having some issues in my relationship. I am married, rather young in my lower 20s. I am fit, attractive, and intelligent. (This comes into play later.)
Background: I've been cheated on multiple times. My first Fiancé cheated on me our entire relationship, and I didn't know until after. I felt devastated, and swore to never cheat. Years later I was dating someone who I caught going onto craigslist posting advertisements for "no strings attached" f**k dates. Turns out he had tried really hard to cheat on me, too.
After that, I've had serious issues with trust. I also have always had a very high libido for a female, which has sometimes left me pursuing guys that are more of a macheesmo masculine and verile type than a good provider.
Years ago I began getting tired of the dating game, wanting to find a man I would actually trust and want to be with for an extended period. I never thought of myself as the marrying type (I just didn't really care) nor the type to want kids. But the men I started dating were more and more provider like. More trustworthy and permanent than a really sexy fling, and I felt satisfied by it, too.
I met my husband about 4 years ago, and instantly fell in love with him. We had that lovely honeymoon period, spending huge amounts of time together, having sex all the time. He was also a hugely patient and understanding person. He is masculine and sensitive while still being verile and having that aura of a good provider. He's tall, strong, handsome, talented... And he's older than me, which I believe gives some balance because in many areas of life I am matured beyond my years.
About a year into our relationship, the sex dropped off the charts. It went from 4-9 times a week to once every two weeks. I began to get suspicious of cheating and went through his computer. I found insane amounts of porn, and his history indicated that he had been looking at it daily. Usually right before I woke up, or right before I got home from work.
This hurt me so much, I exploded. I called him a liar and a cheater, and suspected the worst of the other time he had in private. I began thinking that every time he wasn't horny, it's because he masturbated to pornography (leaving me feeling "below the bar") or maybe was even cheating on me. This then turned into me throwing myself at him when I felt like he could have been masturbating, and then when he wasn't into it, creating negative feelings in myself based off that.
After battling this issue for months- the issue of me thinking he was addicted to porn- came to a head. He deleted his entire collection (it was a huge amount). He promised he wouldn't look at porn anymore, and would stop masturbating so that we could rebuild the sexual energy in our relationship. This over time, obviously, ended up causing some resentment.
Afterward, I still went through his stuff. I didn't believe him. Sometimes I'd find things, and he'd create excuses for why it's not what it seems. Then he'd criminalize me for not letting him have any privacy and would threaten to lock me out of his computer.
This has been an ongoing problem. For months I won't go through his stuff, then I'll have this overwhelming urge... and I'll find something porn related, or him going to a bunch of sites with t*ts everywhere.
This has caused serious resentment.
Our libidos don't sync up. I could have sex every day, maybe even multiple times every day. We've improved the frequency, probably 2-4 times per week now. This has been going on for a few months, things have been a lot better on the sexual side of our relationship.
But we've fought over other things. Other things that don't matter. One time we almost decided to divorce, he walked off down the street and I was crying at home until he came back an hour later. Then, a part of me wondered if he had been to a creepy whack-shack.
I obviously have some issues letting go.
But now, beyond that... I'm the one with wandering eyes. I've fallen in complete lust with this younger guy at work. He's only 4 years younger than me, but it's still a big difference at our age. I've barely talked to him, nothing physical has happened- not even a hug. But whenever I see him, I can't help but smile. When he talks to me, we're both all smiles, all the time. He knows I'm married, and we've agreed that we should be just friends. But we both are aware of the feelings we have toward each other. We're also aware that we're not the type of people we're looking to be with in the long run, so it's really based on fleeting charisma between the both of us, and we know it.
But there is something about him I cannot shake. I find myself thinking about him at work and home, while I wake and in my dream world. I have not been feeling distanced from my husband lately per se, but I have been feeling slightly disjointed sexually.
When this guy at my work comes around, my heart races and I get a knot in the pit of my stomach. I have to take deep breaths for it not to waver, my hands shake...
I do not like feeling this way. It makes me feel like I am cheating even though it is still only a fantasy. But beyond that, sometimes I find myself trying to talk myself into cheating on my husband. Thoughts like, "If it helps me rekindle the spark that we seem to be missing..." and making excuses. But in the long run it would make me feel so terrible, I know. Not only because of the fact that I am, in nature, a very honest person... but because I've been in my husbands position and wished for nothing more than honesty.
I am being selfish, I know. But I do not know the root of the problem, or really how to fix it. My sex life with my husband is explorative and exciting, although maybe less so after the porn incidents because that inherently leaves some boundaries that can't be crossed.
I am beginning to wonder if monogamy is really the answer. I always thought that polyamory was a cop-out, but I can't explain these feelings, nor do I have an answer for being happy in the current situation.
Background: I've been cheated on multiple times. My first Fiancé cheated on me our entire relationship, and I didn't know until after. I felt devastated, and swore to never cheat. Years later I was dating someone who I caught going onto craigslist posting advertisements for "no strings attached" f**k dates. Turns out he had tried really hard to cheat on me, too.
After that, I've had serious issues with trust. I also have always had a very high libido for a female, which has sometimes left me pursuing guys that are more of a macheesmo masculine and verile type than a good provider.
Years ago I began getting tired of the dating game, wanting to find a man I would actually trust and want to be with for an extended period. I never thought of myself as the marrying type (I just didn't really care) nor the type to want kids. But the men I started dating were more and more provider like. More trustworthy and permanent than a really sexy fling, and I felt satisfied by it, too.
I met my husband about 4 years ago, and instantly fell in love with him. We had that lovely honeymoon period, spending huge amounts of time together, having sex all the time. He was also a hugely patient and understanding person. He is masculine and sensitive while still being verile and having that aura of a good provider. He's tall, strong, handsome, talented... And he's older than me, which I believe gives some balance because in many areas of life I am matured beyond my years.
About a year into our relationship, the sex dropped off the charts. It went from 4-9 times a week to once every two weeks. I began to get suspicious of cheating and went through his computer. I found insane amounts of porn, and his history indicated that he had been looking at it daily. Usually right before I woke up, or right before I got home from work.
This hurt me so much, I exploded. I called him a liar and a cheater, and suspected the worst of the other time he had in private. I began thinking that every time he wasn't horny, it's because he masturbated to pornography (leaving me feeling "below the bar") or maybe was even cheating on me. This then turned into me throwing myself at him when I felt like he could have been masturbating, and then when he wasn't into it, creating negative feelings in myself based off that.
After battling this issue for months- the issue of me thinking he was addicted to porn- came to a head. He deleted his entire collection (it was a huge amount). He promised he wouldn't look at porn anymore, and would stop masturbating so that we could rebuild the sexual energy in our relationship. This over time, obviously, ended up causing some resentment.
Afterward, I still went through his stuff. I didn't believe him. Sometimes I'd find things, and he'd create excuses for why it's not what it seems. Then he'd criminalize me for not letting him have any privacy and would threaten to lock me out of his computer.
This has been an ongoing problem. For months I won't go through his stuff, then I'll have this overwhelming urge... and I'll find something porn related, or him going to a bunch of sites with t*ts everywhere.
This has caused serious resentment.
Our libidos don't sync up. I could have sex every day, maybe even multiple times every day. We've improved the frequency, probably 2-4 times per week now. This has been going on for a few months, things have been a lot better on the sexual side of our relationship.
But we've fought over other things. Other things that don't matter. One time we almost decided to divorce, he walked off down the street and I was crying at home until he came back an hour later. Then, a part of me wondered if he had been to a creepy whack-shack.
I obviously have some issues letting go.
But now, beyond that... I'm the one with wandering eyes. I've fallen in complete lust with this younger guy at work. He's only 4 years younger than me, but it's still a big difference at our age. I've barely talked to him, nothing physical has happened- not even a hug. But whenever I see him, I can't help but smile. When he talks to me, we're both all smiles, all the time. He knows I'm married, and we've agreed that we should be just friends. But we both are aware of the feelings we have toward each other. We're also aware that we're not the type of people we're looking to be with in the long run, so it's really based on fleeting charisma between the both of us, and we know it.
But there is something about him I cannot shake. I find myself thinking about him at work and home, while I wake and in my dream world. I have not been feeling distanced from my husband lately per se, but I have been feeling slightly disjointed sexually.
When this guy at my work comes around, my heart races and I get a knot in the pit of my stomach. I have to take deep breaths for it not to waver, my hands shake...
I do not like feeling this way. It makes me feel like I am cheating even though it is still only a fantasy. But beyond that, sometimes I find myself trying to talk myself into cheating on my husband. Thoughts like, "If it helps me rekindle the spark that we seem to be missing..." and making excuses. But in the long run it would make me feel so terrible, I know. Not only because of the fact that I am, in nature, a very honest person... but because I've been in my husbands position and wished for nothing more than honesty.
I am being selfish, I know. But I do not know the root of the problem, or really how to fix it. My sex life with my husband is explorative and exciting, although maybe less so after the porn incidents because that inherently leaves some boundaries that can't be crossed.
I am beginning to wonder if monogamy is really the answer. I always thought that polyamory was a cop-out, but I can't explain these feelings, nor do I have an answer for being happy in the current situation.