I'm having some issues in my relationship. I am married, rather young in my lower 20s. I am fit, attractive, and intelligent. (This comes into play later.)

Background: I've been cheated on multiple times. My first Fiancé cheated on me our entire relationship, and I didn't know until after. I felt devastated, and swore to never cheat. Years later I was dating someone who I caught going onto craigslist posting advertisements for "no strings attached" f**k dates. Turns out he had tried really hard to cheat on me, too.

After that, I've had serious issues with trust. I also have always had a very high libido for a female, which has sometimes left me pursuing guys that are more of a macheesmo masculine and verile type than a good provider.

Years ago I began getting tired of the dating game, wanting to find a man I would actually trust and want to be with for an extended period. I never thought of myself as the marrying type (I just didn't really care) nor the type to want kids. But the men I started dating were more and more provider like. More trustworthy and permanent than a really sexy fling, and I felt satisfied by it, too.

I met my husband about 4 years ago, and instantly fell in love with him. We had that lovely honeymoon period, spending huge amounts of time together, having sex all the time. He was also a hugely patient and understanding person. He is masculine and sensitive while still being verile and having that aura of a good provider. He's tall, strong, handsome, talented... And he's older than me, which I believe gives some balance because in many areas of life I am matured beyond my years.

About a year into our relationship, the sex dropped off the charts. It went from 4-9 times a week to once every two weeks. I began to get suspicious of cheating and went through his computer. I found insane amounts of porn, and his history indicated that he had been looking at it daily. Usually right before I woke up, or right before I got home from work.

This hurt me so much, I exploded. I called him a liar and a cheater, and suspected the worst of the other time he had in private. I began thinking that every time he wasn't horny, it's because he masturbated to pornography (leaving me feeling "below the bar") or maybe was even cheating on me. This then turned into me throwing myself at him when I felt like he could have been masturbating, and then when he wasn't into it, creating negative feelings in myself based off that.

After battling this issue for months- the issue of me thinking he was addicted to porn- came to a head. He deleted his entire collection (it was a huge amount). He promised he wouldn't look at porn anymore, and would stop masturbating so that we could rebuild the sexual energy in our relationship. This over time, obviously, ended up causing some resentment.

Afterward, I still went through his stuff. I didn't believe him. Sometimes I'd find things, and he'd create excuses for why it's not what it seems. Then he'd criminalize me for not letting him have any privacy and would threaten to lock me out of his computer.

This has been an ongoing problem. For months I won't go through his stuff, then I'll have this overwhelming urge... and I'll find something porn related, or him going to a bunch of sites with t*ts everywhere.

This has caused serious resentment.

Our libidos don't sync up. I could have sex every day, maybe even multiple times every day. We've improved the frequency, probably 2-4 times per week now. This has been going on for a few months, things have been a lot better on the sexual side of our relationship.

But we've fought over other things. Other things that don't matter. One time we almost decided to divorce, he walked off down the street and I was crying at home until he came back an hour later. Then, a part of me wondered if he had been to a creepy whack-shack.

I obviously have some issues letting go.

But now, beyond that... I'm the one with wandering eyes. I've fallen in complete lust with this younger guy at work. He's only 4 years younger than me, but it's still a big difference at our age. I've barely talked to him, nothing physical has happened- not even a hug. But whenever I see him, I can't help but smile. When he talks to me, we're both all smiles, all the time. He knows I'm married, and we've agreed that we should be just friends. But we both are aware of the feelings we have toward each other. We're also aware that we're not the type of people we're looking to be with in the long run, so it's really based on fleeting charisma between the both of us, and we know it.

But there is something about him I cannot shake. I find myself thinking about him at work and home, while I wake and in my dream world. I have not been feeling distanced from my husband lately per se, but I have been feeling slightly disjointed sexually.

When this guy at my work comes around, my heart races and I get a knot in the pit of my stomach. I have to take deep breaths for it not to waver, my hands shake...

I do not like feeling this way. It makes me feel like I am cheating even though it is still only a fantasy. But beyond that, sometimes I find myself trying to talk myself into cheating on my husband. Thoughts like, "If it helps me rekindle the spark that we seem to be missing..." and making excuses. But in the long run it would make me feel so terrible, I know. Not only because of the fact that I am, in nature, a very honest person... but because I've been in my husbands position and wished for nothing more than honesty.

I am being selfish, I know. But I do not know the root of the problem, or really how to fix it. My sex life with my husband is explorative and exciting, although maybe less so after the porn incidents because that inherently leaves some boundaries that can't be crossed.

I am beginning to wonder if monogamy is really the answer. I always thought that polyamory was a cop-out, but I can't explain these feelings, nor do I have an answer for being happy in the current situation.

How old are you and your husband?

First, do not have any interaction with your co-worker that does not involve only work.

If you continue to play with fire, you will be burned.

Second, your husband looking at porn and masturbating has nothing to do with how much he loves or is attracted to you. It is nowhere near the same thing as cheating or fantasizing about a co-worker. He was very correct to be upset about you invading his privacy. I hope you don't have anything that you don't want him to find like communications about your co-worker.

Third, if you want to rebuild your marriage, get into marriage counseling. I think you also need individual counseling to help with your insecurities and mistrust. You seem confused and you need a safe place to get your feelings out and get immediate feedback. If you don't want to save your marriage, then get out before your husband has reason to snoop on you.

Stop trying to make excuses for your current behavior. You wouldn't have accepted the same reasoning from the people who cheated on you so don't try to rationalize your actions in this way.

I will admit that I am having a difficult time unraveling the time-line of your story. If you are in your lower 20's, that would mean 23-24 years old. It would mean that you met your husband at about 19-20 years old. Which means that the other relationships happened very quickly with very little time to heal between break ups. I think you need to deal with your past and let it go. It has affected your present for way too long and you don't need to carry all that baggage any farther or longer. There is no need for it to affect your future.

I would find this much more helpful if you also saw an addiction to Pornography as a problem. I considered it a problem when it left me feeling like he'd rather look at fake women on the internet than satisfy our sex life. Oh, and lie about it too.

I do agree with you that lying COULD make it sound more like an addiction, but that's not nesicarilly the case. An addiction interferes with daily life, such as eating, sleeping, or work. That, said, the reason he is lying is because you don't like it. I know that sounds simple, but sometimes the simple answer is right.
I definitely agree on the marrige counceling, and maybe personal counceling. Some women have this belief that because a guy looks at porn or goes to a strip club, he'd rather be doing that than look at me. It's not true, it's a safe way for him to indulge some fantasies. I might add that you have fantasies that involve another man, but it doesn't mean you don't love him.
The main problem here is that you're married, but you're both scared to actually communicate! You need to tell each other what you need and either figure out how to fix it or end the whole thing. Maybe you need to watch some porn with him! Maybe you both need to start swinging! I don't know what you need, and neither will you until you start comunicating clearly.
I really wish you luck with this. And just to be on the safe side (I'm not assuming you would actually do this), please do not try to fix this with having children!

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My advice is my opinion only and you take or leave it as you choose.


I am being selfish, I know. But I do not know the root of the problem, or really how to fix it. My sex life with my husband is explorative and exciting, although maybe less so after the porn incidents because that inherently leaves some boundaries that can't be crossed.

I am beginning to wonder if monogamy is really the answer. I always thought that polyamory was a cop-out, but I can't explain these feelings, nor do I have an answer for being happy in the current situation.


hathoreros does not find this helpful : The poster was looking for advice and assistance while being honest about her feelings. This response does not consider the fact that her husband has known about her dissatisfaction for almost 2 years and done very little.

How is the rest of your relationship with your husband other than your sex life? What else is going on in your lives that can affect libidoes like stress and exhaustion?

You say that your husband has cut down or attempted to give up porn. That is something especially IF he has a diagnosed addiction.

You say that your sex life with your husband is "explorative and exciting" with some limitations. That doesn't sound like he hasn't done anything for two years or isn't trying.

You have your feelings. He has his. Do you communicate with each other about the porn and masturbation or do you tell him what you expect and that is the end of it? IF he doesn't have a say in where boundaries are set, expect him to cross them and lie about it when 'caught'. It is a childish reaction to parental authority. Parents snoop to keep their children safe. Partners discuss the issues and work together. Do the two of you even attempt to work together?

Dissatisfaction in a relationship is not a reason to 'cheat' either physically or emotionally. If you are not happy in your marriage and don't want to work on it any more, get out of it. Plain and simple, you don't cheat. You know what it feels like to be cheated on.

Tell me, if monogamy is not the answer, how are you planning to tell your husband you want to bring in someone else? Does he get another woman besides you? Porn doesn't count even if you believe it does.

IF you leave your husband, it should not be for another relationship. It should be to find out what you really want and not because you have another person lined up.

My take on your feelings about your co-worker is that you are looking at greener grass that you haven't had to put the time in to cultivate. It is a fantasy life and love. You can let it go.

I would feel no problem with us both sharing our sex lives with other people, if he could take care of my satisfaction first. However, from the get-go, he has told me he just has a lower libido than I, and that I should focus less on sex and more...

I would feel no problem with us both sharing our sex lives with other people, if he could take care of my satisfaction first. However, from the get-go, he has told me he just has a lower libido than I, and that I should focus less on sex and more on the other areas of our life. But if I am not happy because I do not feel desired, how can I just "ignore it". Obviously we have some differences in opinion. And for the record, I HAD no problem with pornography, so he didn't hide it because I was being "mommy" and telling him it was bad. Originally, we even watched some porn together. The issue has, since the beginning, been with him internalizing his sexuality and I feel that he is just now realizing the extent of it's importance to me, regardless of how hard I tried to help him understand that it is a BIG factor for me.

Furthermore, I never said
1) I want a relationship with my coworker
2) That he is even "compatible" with me like that.

He is nothing like my style, does not have many of the major qualities I look(ed) for in a man, etc... I do not want to leave my husband for him or anything like that. Gosh that would just be so stupid!

I am looking for ideas of how to approach this issue. Reasons I may not have been thinking about for issues like this... etc.

Thank you Brandon... I DO have a strong urge to have children, but have an IUD that isn't budging for at least 5-7 years... I see myself making that mistake, and refuse.