Hi,

I am really confused and this has been going for a long time now.. almost 5 years. Let me start from the beginning.

I was 15 years old when I met my ex boyfriend. I was SOOO in love. Literally I was head over heels over him and he as well. We were young, passionate about each other, it was TRUE love. There were 2 problems heading our way. 1. My mother - since I was young and I am the eldest in my family, she didn't approve of my relationship with this guy. It is true, we did experiment sex and I did give my virginity to him but the truth was that I wanted it as badly as he wanted it. My mother and I ended up having huge fights - me wanting to go out, she locking me in not to meet him, curfews, she didn't even want me to go to his house alone.

On the other hand his mother was my second best friend. She loved me so much, and we had such a family feeling. My ex was feeling the rejection by my parents and although we had plans for our future he was unhappy with the situation.

The second problem was possibility of cheating. I'm not sure of this. All I know is that after a year and a half, I sometimes found messages on his mobile to other girls. Nothing serious - just hi swt or something like that. One of his friends warned me that he was cheating and that was the icing on the cake. I cracked. I loved him and I tried to get him back - he was angry at the situation because of my family situation. We had huge fights. I followed him, he followed me... It was a huge mess. His parents tried to help us as much as they could to get back together. During one of the fights I convinced myself that I deserved better. So after a week from breaking up, I went out with a boy to try to get over my ex and I was so lucky! We were kissing and guess who turns out in the same street? My ex with a couple of girlfriends. Just pure luck.

After this, my ex was deeply hurt but I was hurt too that he may be cheating. During our last fight I knew it was the end. I said goodbye to his parents and his mother told me that it might be a while but she was sure that we will end up in each others arms even if years pass. These words still ring in my ears.

After about 3 months I met my current boyfriend. I was trying to get over my ex which he still followed me around with his car trying to contact me, calling me, his mother as well. It was awful. And at the same time I was trying to hide it all from my current boyfriend. In fact one day I did fall into the temptatation and went to my ex house for the afternoon but I was afraid that I will get hurt again.

I have been with my current boyfriend for 5 years now. I have stopped my relationship more than once and I contacted my ex to get back with him twice. These 2 times I was so afraid I was going to get hurt and that I hurt my current boyfriend, that I had to go back to my current boyfriend because the guilt was so big and I was afraid of the risk. My parents love my current boyfriend and I do love him and care for him but it is not the same chemistry I had with my ex. We sometimes talk on msn - sometimes we spend nights - sometimes my heart aches so much for him. But then I refrain myself. I am afraid to hurt my current boyfriend as he was so good to me. He loves me so much. I do love him but my heart is not entirely his.

One thing I hate about my ex is that after our breakup he went out with dozens of girls and I am sure that he had sexual relationships. He always goes out with slutty girls and they are really not up to his standards. In fact he ends up being with them only for a few months.

I don't know what I shall do. I have awful days in bed crying about the situation. I feel I am in an ally and there is no way out. I really don't want to hurt my current boyfriend. We are planning to get married as well since we have been together for 5 years. Since my second encounter with my ex something snapped in me. I am not the romantic girl I used to be. I am negative and angry and so sad it hurts.

I'm sorry to hear all this thing , your first love was pure , I mean you guys fought so long for this relationship, and suddenly it ended in stupid way, so you said to yoruself start a new life with different guy, to get over him , but you couldn't but you did your best as far , and so do him too, you both tsratm too way fast, you already found a guy that love you already, I know you are so attached with your ex family , but I'm sorry you have another heart in your hand that belongs to another guy, so what you going to do about it, forget about his mom words , she is nice lady trying and wishing for the best of you too , but you guys had different issues , and went in different ways , both got in new relationships, I know you still love with him , but sorry sweety , even if you returned back to him, the relationship won't stay long, because you both dated and the past will hunt you guys down , but if both of you guys the love is really strong and you both are loyalty for it , well at that time you have to find away to tell your new boyfriend every things , I know it's going to hurt him a lot , but you don't have choice , I would say take time to think about it , don't get in rush, it's not your fault , you both moved on but the past is still hunting you , it's past that smells of a lot of passion and the love you guys had before , but you can turn all that emotion on your new guy and move on , and you can be good with his mother, but him if you said he dates slat girls , he will end up alone.

I feel angry all the time. I am a nervous rack all the time. Sometimes I really try to annoy my current boyfriend in hope that he will ditch me and therefore I won't feel guilty that I left him for my ex!

The last time I saw my ex was on valentines day 2 years ago. I left my boyfriend because I really felt that he wasn't the one I wanted to be with that evening. The day before I contacted my ex and he dumped the girl he was dating as well. We spent the day together and it was great. He took me to buy me a present as he was exited that we were once again together. At night we went out and had dinner. It was a lovely night but as soon as I got home I cried in front of the mirror thinking what I have done and how much I hurt my boyfriend and all the emotions of that evening came flourishing. At the same time that evening my boyfriend was at home with my mum trying to track me down. The day after he came early at my house, and there was a huge fight. I was ready to move on but he held on me so tight. He told me that he loved me. I told him I went out with my ex and he gave me a whole speech on how foolish I am and that he loves me so much. He cried for hours next to my bed. In the end I felt so guilty I contacted my ex and I told him I couldn't do it. I was so afraid of the risk. I didn't have the courage to hurt my boyfriend that much.

It's alram warning for you , man it's tough choice for real , you the only one can choose them , and know them better your past and your future , it's in your hand both are nice with you , if it was me I would go with the future that means the one you date right now , but I'm guy lol , so that is my opinion

heartbreak,

You are no longer a young 15yro girl. So stop acting like one! You are playing immature games with this man that you call your current boyfriend. You going back and forth has to be exremely hurtful, or do you even stop and consider his feelings. You have made this ex-boyfriend of when you were 15yro an obsession. Whenever something doesn't work out in your life, instead of dealing with it head on, you start reminising about this past relationship, making it more then probably was. Its real easy to forget the unhappy times with a past relationship, time not only heals our heartbreak, it also dims our perception of it.

Have you thought about just NOT being in any type of relationship right now. Give yourself time to see what you really want. Most importantly what you are willing to GIVE to make a relationship work. You might find out that neither one of these guys are for you. Be single and get out and see what there is to offer. Your young, why get yourself tied up in a relationship that you obviously don't really want, its better then being with one and yet thinking of another. Good luck

Is it possible that I love my current boyfriend although I don't feel the spark and passion? Does this mean that I matured from infatuation to love?

I don't believe that you are IN LOVE with either one of these men. If you don't feel the spark, nor passion for current boyfriend, then you need to just END the relationship. Just holding on to a relationship because you don't want to be ALONE is no excuse. As for your ex-boyfriend, lets at least put that relationship into perspective. He was your first love, and no matter how bad it got back then, you are just making it more of a romance then it REALLY was. We all remember our first loves with tender feelings and ONLY remember the good times, but we would be with them even today if it was really as great as we remember. Nobody said REALITY didn't suck at times.

I think as a parent the one thing we over look to REALLY teach our daughters, maybe even our sons is "how to be alone, and still be happy ". I have noticed, even with myself that after being in a long relationship, one of the hardest things to cope with is being alone and still be okay.

My suggestion to you, is take the time to be okay with being single. You need to take time to get out and learn to DATE. You might be missing out on your true soul mate by just settling.

My problem is that it seems I have experienced 2 different kinds of love:

- With my ex it was these bunch of magical moments with a lot of drama
- With my current boyfriend the relationship of a couple which feels like we've been together for ages and the spark is lost

My question is does the spark be there even after 5, 20, 60 years or is it part of the infatuation you feel in the beginning?

No, after a time the initial spark or passion is not the "all consumming", it does dim down. That's why when you see relationships that work for along time, its not because of passion, that is what attrached them in first place, its friendship,respect,loyalty,honesty,attraction, all those things make up the word love. Love is what keeps the attraction and desire in a relationship even after many years. The passion may not be "all consumming", but it can be as beautiful and satisfying as from the first time together. Its up to the commitment that the COUPLE have for one another. This is what everyone is searching for and yet not all achieve.

So if there is friendship,respect,loyalty,honesty,attraction it means there is love? I have these but it is not the feeling that I used to have - the feeling of breath taking love, the love that makes you dream about the other person, the love so intense that you'd rather die for the other person. Does this exist or is it just fabricated love on the TV and the media?

I used to believe in love - in true love - in soul mates - in that love where you have respect, loyalty, friendship, attraction, passion, lust. Is it too much to ask for? Does this exist?

If you have been with a man in a complete full filling relationship and cannot look at him and know that you would lay your life down for him, then I would say you are not in LOVE with him. Even if you have been in a relationship and that all consumming passion is not there, but the rest is, that love that you FEEL for him should make you KNOW that you are with your OTHER half. You shouldn't have to QUESTION it, but you WILL know it.

I think your trying to have all pieces fit into a puzzle. Listen, our pieces to our individual wants,desires, whatever competes us, those pieces may NEVER fit into any ideal puzzle. Those pieces are what makes us different from anyone else.

If something doesn't feel right, then STOP trying to make it FIT!! Love isn't something that can be forced, or just accepted because we think it's the right thing to do. But only you will know the difference.

You are right about the puzzle. That's what I feel sometimes.

I want to spend some time alone. To think things through. Obviously my mind is thinking about my ex and my boyfriend. But to tell you the truth so far I just miss my boyfriend... as a friend not as a boyfriend.

The thinking about my ex is that I know he really wants to start a relationship, and in fact I want to try as well, as even if I try to go out with any other boy, I will surely think about my ex and I don't want to end up again in this situation. The problem is that we both have baggage, we both suffered from our breakup years ago, we both have some trust issues + the most problematic one for me is that both guys live 5 min from me and from each other. They hate each other, and I am the one split in between. It would be a matter of time so that my boyfriend will know about my ex and the fact that I will hurt him as hell is killing me and stopping me from taking the decision to move on