My 40yr old sister is has been living with her 2 children and the father of her children (they're not married) for the past 13 years. She's been unhappy with the father for some time because she says he verbally abuses her. He does pay for living expenses. Because of financial reasons she cannot leave the father and move to another place with her children. She claims he knows they're just "roommates" now but he has called me in the past saying he loves her and wonders where she is.

She has been dating another man for the past 6 months and she hasn't told that new man she's still living with the father. She hasn't told the father she dates other men either. She sometimes doesn't come home until 2am and her children have asked in the past why she goes out and why she come home so late.

Recently she came to my mother's house unannounced at 1am, where I was staying the night, with the new man so he wouldn't have to drop her off at her home. She claims she dates him for her own sanity and because she deserves to be happy. I told her she needs to put her children first.

Should I tell her new man or the father the entire truth or is it none of my business?

God only knows what repercussions would develop if you got involved and told either one of them. She needs to get a life, take care of her children, get a job, get her own place, maybe not necessarily in that order but you get my drift.

She is forty for heavens sake ! And as you describe acting 20.

No, it is up to her. I don't think you should get involved unless you can talk some sense into her.

Tick

I have to agree with Tickle. Her boyfriend of 13 years is already probably wondering what is going on. Most stores aren't open to go and buy school snacks at 2 in the morning.. there are hard to miss clues here already for him.

What I would do is not enable the behaviour. I'm not so sure I'd try to talk sense into her further than what you probably have already. As long as she has a listening ear to lessen the guilt, she will keep it up.

I would however, talk to your mother, and tell her also not to enable her. By letting her be dropped off by her boyfriend at her home, makes it easier on her, and makes your mother part of the coverup.

Make it clear that you are done talking. If she wants to head herself into destruction, you won't be a part of it. Nor will you help her in any way.

The only thing that worries me is that along with your sisters behaviour, she could also be risking STD's, and pregnancy. Her husband in this regard is at risk for disease.

Spaghetti will eventually hit the fan. It always does with affairs.

I agree...

Does your sister work or can she if she isn't? If she can work, but isn't, she needs to get job so that she can be in a better position to support herself and her children. Since her boyfriend is their father, he would pay some child support if they separated.

She needs to either drop the new guy and work on her relationship with her boyfriend or leave her boyfriend if she wants to continue seeing this new guy.

She deserves to be happy? What about her kids? What about her boyfriend? She is being selfish and finding excuses to justify her behavior.

If she is not happy, she either works at making it better or she leaves... it's as simple as that.

I'd go a different direction and I would get involved to the point of letting her know that if she doesn't get things sorted out, and make a decision who she is going to be with, that you will let the boyfriend know what is going on.

I would feel betrayed and furious if family knew my partner was cheating and turned a blind eye to it.

I say this as a therapist... Let me preface this with the fact that what I say is not considered a session with you so understand that this is coming from a person with a therapy background since you are not my patient and my words are from someone who cares with experience not a doctor. Some tough love for you my dear... although you sound lovely and that you want to help your sister (and especially the children) unfortunately you can't. This is non of your business no matter how much you love her. Eventually if it starts causing problems in your life (like being woken at 1 in the morning) you may have to change your situation so that you are not around her disunction. Only she can solve her problems. She is a grown adult and should be making better choices. No matter what advice you give her it will turn on you and she will be upset with you. If you choose to get involved and talk to the men in her life you may make things worse and destroy any relationship you may have with her. Things will come to surface. They always do. My advice? Stay out of it as much as you can.

I agree with the others in requards to telling either one of the boyfriends of her cheating ways. If the current live in boyfriend calls wanting to know where your sister is explain that you are not her keeper and don't feel its right that he calls you all the time looking for her.

This is none of your business and you certainly should not tell either of these men.
Tell you sister not to put you in the midle and get her life together.
She needs to get a job or move into a shelter. She is playing an ugly game.

I'm sorry, but I still don't agree... but that is just my opinion.

Certainly the OP should make it clear, in no uncertain terms, that she will no longer cover for her sister when he calls asking if she has been seen.

If she isn't comfortable with coming right out and giving her an ultimatum, then the next time the "husband" calls she can simply tell him that maybe he needs to ask his "wife" what has been going on; that she will no longer be a part of it.