Can I ask you guys something?

If a child gives no reason to be monitored is he/she still monitored? Where is the trust in them and the trust in yourself that the way you raised them was right?

Can I ask you guys something?

If a child gives no reason to be monitored is he/she still monitored? Where is the trust in them and the trust in yourself that the way you raised them was right?
If the child is dependent on me, I will monitor his behavior. There are ways to monitor the behavior of a two y/o vs. ways to monitor the behavior of a teen. I would trust a two y/o in some things and a teen in many things, but any child of mine will be monitored somehow as per his maturity level and the trust he has earned by his good behavior.

trust he has earned by his good behavior.

That's exactly my point, if the child does nothing to warrant monitoring, is he/she still monitored? You talk about my child this, my child that but in the end your answer is... no?

You say monitor, I'm referring to internet monitoring ie: Facebook, myspace, IE history etc... is this what you're referring too?

Thats exactly my point, if the child does nothing to warrant monitoring, is he/she still monitored? You talk about my child this, my child that but in the end your answer is...................no?

You say monitor, I'm referring to internet monitoring ie: facebook, myspace, IE history etc....is this what you're referring too?
I would have good communication with my children (and I did), so that monitoring could simply be their willingness to ask me questions about another computer user who seems suspicious when online. My children knew they would have to surrender their passwords to me if I asked because of my suspicion about something they were doing (or risk losing their computer).

I knew my children and their behavior very well and would sense immediately if something was not on the up-and-up. Depending on my child's behavior all around, he may or may not have to give me his passwords. I would be using as a guide his consistently good behavior, not his age, to determine how carefully I would monitor his computer use. Oh, and his computer would be in a public area of the house until he proved that he was responsible with its use.

Listen I agree with all of you I just feel different because I'm alot younger than alot of you.

I am not a parent (will be in 9months, just found out today :))

Anyways, i am not a parent but when does the belief that its your right to know cross into personal space and trust? I feel as though it's demeaning to yourself as a parent to have to monitor your children so deeply (this is without reason to, if there's reason to then by all means)

You spend your life raising your children, teaching them right from wrong, whats acceptable and whats not. By monitoring them I see this as a form of doubt in ones mind that they don't believe they did a good enough job. That your daughter or son will not listen or you didn't do enough to teach them. Almost like you don't trust them.

I want you to know that this is my opinion on monitoring older children (high schoolers)



First of all, congrats on the baby!:)

Ok, I see where you are coming from, I really do.

I am a younger parent with little itty bittys, so I have not had the luxury of having teens to worry about... yet.

OP asked a question without really explaining as to "Why" she wants to know how to do this.

I agree with j_9, and also agree with WG. Trust is something that is earned, and if it were me, I would trust my child, until they do something to question that. I would allow my child (teen) to have a FB account, and trust her/him, but also ask, from time to time if I can have a look see.

If my child isn't doing anything wrong, then they shouldn't have a problem with me looking at their profile.

Does this make sense?

If they break my trust is when I would strip them of their FB privileges.

I hope this helps you.

If my child isn't doing anything wrong, then they shouldn't have a problem with me looking at their profile.


On the other hand if the child isn't doing anythign wrong the is monitoring necessary. I am not argueing simply debating. I am thinking in terms of more then just the parent but as a relationship between parent and child.

I asked earlier if the cchild doesn't give a reason to be monitored if they would be monitored and both of you said No. That was my question and you both eventually answered it.

I am not saying I will let my children do what they want on the PC, I mean for god sakes I am in IT I know moer then anybody the threats that lurk, but I can't justify looking at my children's FB page or myspace or etc... if I didn't have a legt reason to do so or a belief that something was wrong or my child was in danger. That's all I am saying.

BTW, I'm hoping for a boy!

On the other hand if the child isn't doing anythign wrong the is monitoring necessary.

In my opinion, yes, monitoring is necessary. My daughter, she turns 17 today, and I have a GREAT relationship. She tells me when she changes her passwords, etc. As I put it to her, it's not that I don't trust her, but I don't trust perverts who can find her info on the internet even when her statuses are set to private.

When I look at her pages I not only look at what messages she is sending out, but also what is coming in.

With Facebook and myspace, even the most minute information can be misread and misunderstood. It's my job as a parent to teach her, even as mature as she is and you all know how I giggle at teens who say they are mature, what is appropriate and inappropriate for the public to see.

There are some issues in our lives that we need to keep private.

Teens are very naïve, whether they believe it or not. It's our job to keep them safe.

I asked earlier if the cchild doesn't give a reason to be monitored if they would be monitored and both of you said No. That was my question and you both eventually answered it.
Not only is the child to be monitored for his own behavior but monitored to watch out for predators, etc. Children and teens can have poor judgment, thus a parent needs to stay on top of what goes out and what comes in to the computer.


I can't justify looking at my children's FB page or myspace or etc... if I didn't have a legt reason to do so or a belief that something was wrong or my child was in danger. That's all I am saying.
Over the years of your being a parent, I firmly believe you will change your mind.

First, Congrats Rick! Welcome to the trials and tribulations, joys and angst, frustrations and pride of being a parent.

Second, I moved this part to a new thread rather than hijack the other.

You pose a great question, one that has been perplexing parents for ages. If I had an answer I would be rich. But, from my experience, you have to judge how well you raised your child. As they get older and show more and more responsibility, and maturity, you reward that by giving more and more trust. There is no magic formula but a gut feeling.

If my child isn't doing anything wrong, then they shouldn't have a problem with me looking at their profile.


On the other hand if the child isn't doing anythign wrong the is monitoring necessary. I am not argueing simply debating. I am thinking in terms of more then just the parent but as a relationship between parent and child.

I asked earlier if the cchild doesn't give a reason to be monitored if they would be monitored and both of you said No. That was my question and you both eventually answered it.

I am not saying I will let my children do what they want on the PC, I mean for god sakes I am in IT I know moer then anybody the threats that lurk, but I can't justify looking at my childrens FB page or myspace or etc...if I didn't have a legt reason to do so or a belief that something was wrong or my child was in danger. Thats all I am saying.

BTW, I'm hoping for a boy!


The reason why I would want to monitor my child's FB, myspace, what have you, is because I don't trust people...

There are a lot of perverts out there. As a parent, I would want to know what her page consisted of, incoming and outgoing.

I don't monitor my kids activities other than having the laptop in public view, having a limited profile in Windows with a blocklist, and a solid education in how the web works and its dangers. Being geek dad has its benefits :). Both my kids tell/ask me anything, they know they'll get a non-judgmental response.

Edit to add: congrats!

They tell me where they are going and when they will be back, I will at random times check to see if they are or where were they said they would be.

I keep a check on their Facebook accounts and every few months ( if there is no reason to do it sooner) may check though their computers for any improper information.

I always pat down and frisk all of there visitors ( OK not really just wanted to see if anyone actually read this)

The computers are always used in common area or at least with the monitor where I can see it by walking by and the such.

A parent never just lets their children go unmonitored. It is just a matter of what level

I am not doubting that my beliefs now will change. In fact I look forward to the day I can look back on this thread and laugh and tell myself how stupid I wa for thinking that but until then this is what I believe.

I do want to thank you all for posting your ideas on monitoring and their reasons. Its info for my toolbox I'll pull out in about 14 years. :)

Mine started on the laptop at about 5 years old. Then there's the DSi connected to the wifi. It starts earlier than you think. :)

I have a teen son. I trust him to act like a teenage boy - generally good and reliable and honorable, but also sometimes impulsive, sometimes reckless, curious, experimental, not always thinking of the consequences- because that is appropriate to expect of someone his age. This does not mean I think he's a bad kid or not "trustworthy" He's trustworthy for his age - which is not yet adult, and not adequately self-preserving for his long-term wellfare. That means that he has access to things that are a little risky like a cell phone, the internet, unsupervised time away from home, permission to date and drive and hang out with friends, permission to go to the mall and movies and so on without a chaperone. I let him have a life.

However, he knows that I monitor his cell phone, particularly text messaging. I monitor his computer use and ban access to a lot of things. I have security codes on the television to prevent him from watching inappropriate programs like pornography that would otherwise be available on cable. I sometimes check on where he's saying he's going - have caught him lying a few times and there were consequences. He knows that I clean his room periodically, clean out his backpack and so on and that he should not be hiding anything from me or his father. My motto is that if it's in my home, it's my business - period. When he's an adult, he will be a guest when he's at my home and that's a different standard of privacy of course.

I would never walk in on him in the bathroom or when he's showering or dressing, and I step out of the room for his physicals, of course.

Kids are really wreckless with the internet and texting in particular - the language and some of the images I have intercepted have been scary - the kids don't realize this stuff can be made public and follow them forever. So just as I taught my toddler not to put things in outlets but covered them anyway, I am teaching my son not to do crazy wreckless stuff online and in terms of what he possesses, but I check just to make sure he's getting the message.

Just as I got rid of the outlet covers when my son got to be four and five and wasn't interested in them, as he gets more mature I won't be monitoring his computer and phone use anymore. He's not there yet - I often enough find stuff I don't approve of, but he's learning only because I've intercepted. The stuff I see that other kids post - who's parents don't monitor - holy crap. It's frightening. When I know the parents, yes, I tell them... doesn't make me too popular but it is the right thing to do. These are kids - big, adult sized kids.