My wife and I have been together for almost 12 years now, and married for 8. We were young when we got together; she was 17 and I was 19 and both of us were recently out of a 3 year relationship with our ex's. I am the only person she has ever been with sexually, but I have had a few other experiences prior to being with her. I feel as if our sexual relationship is amazing, and she "says" she agrees and loves every intimate moment we share! Here's the issue! I lost my job in November of '09', we ended up filing for bankruptcy and losing our house, so the stress has not been easy for either one of us... Well about 4 months ago (shortly after moving into an apartment) my wife asked me if I was OK with her adding her ex-boyfriend as a friend on Facebook. I like her ex, and can see why she did too. I told her that I was uncomfortable with it, but I have never been the type of person to "tell" someone what they can/cannot do with their lives. I told her that as long as it was for "frienship" reasoning that I was OK with it. The only thing I asked of her was that she would be open and honest about their conversations (if I asked her about them) and if they were to meet up sometime that she told me about it beforehand, or she didn't allow herself to be alone with him; She totally agreed to the conditions that I asked of her and said she felt that was fair. Since they became Facebook friends, I have noticed a few changes with her behavior that seem out of character. When I expressed my concern that I felt she was changing a little bit she began to say that I was just being jealous and that I was the depressed one from losing my job. She then started making sure her cell phone was within arms reach, whenever she got on the computer she would move in such a way that I couldn't see the screen at all, and claimed that there was not anything inappropriate going on. About a week goes by and she woke me up one morning to tell me that her conscience was eating her and that she had to tell me that when her and her best-friend went to dinner, her ex-boyfriend joined them, and she felt like she lied to me.. I gave her kudos and thanked her for coming clean about it because it showed that I can trust her. A little more time rolls around and she decides to go out to a bar with her friends. I asked her where she was going and she replied, "i don't know right now, we haven't thought about it". OK... I get that because that happens between me and my friends as well.. As the night went on, I started getting weird gut wrenching vibs that somehting wasn't right. I chose to invaid her privacy and check phone records to see if she was talking to him.. After realizing that immediately after leaving the house she was texting him, the texts stopped for about 4 hours, and then continued about 2:30am when she was on her way home, I asked decided to ask her if anyone else went out with her the previous night (trying to give her the oppurtunity to come clean again)... This time she said no, and stuck by her story that it was just her and her friend Stacy. I then became frustrated with her and began to explain what I had learned by checking her phone records.. She became extremely quiet and listened to me explain how I simply wanted to know when she was hanging out with him to help with me comfort level.. She then admitted she lied, and that she had made arrangements earlier in the day to meet him at the bar he was going to be at. Later that day she apologized for lying to me about it and said, "I think we need to talk about this later". I gave her the day to herself and took the kids out for lunch, dinner and a movie so she could anaylize her thoughts. When we finally sat down after the kids went to bed, she started explaining to me that she felt some kind of "VOID" in her life but didn't know what it was or how to fill it. I believe whole heartedly that there is nothing sexual going on between them or any other male, but she has expressed that some the thoughts she has about her void may be caused by growing up quickly and getting to experience other aspects such as: dating, goofing around, being wild & crazy, and also sexually. I told her that supported everything she needs to do to fill the void; even if that meant taking a break from the marriage so she could re-live her life the way she wants. Now her and I both know that when allowing these types of things to happen that statistically marriages do not end up working out in the long run. I even asked her if she wanted to just have a weekend without me, and not have any questions asked about it... She just said that she didn't think I would be able to emotionally handle that.. (her normal response to this question would probably be "no way, I wouldn't want to do anything like that").. She's probably right! I love her dearly and feel the need to be even closer to her then I ever have before, but want to give her the space she needs to figure herself out... Our sex life has continued to be amazing, if not even better... And when I asked her if there's ever a time when she feels at peace with her life, she says it's when we're intimate with each other; but at the same time, she doesn't seem to want to initiate any affection with me, and just waits for me to show the affection...

This has caused me to constantly feel as if her and I are growing apart from each other, and it scares the living crap out of me to lose her... She and my girls mean the world to me, and I can't imagine spending my life without her. My mind is always consumed by this issue and has affected the way I think, act and speak.. I guess my question is, is there anything that I can do to help fill the void she refers to without causing anymore strain on our marriage? Thanks in advance for your thoughts and advice!

WOW! You sound amazing and so does your wife.
Counseling, Counseling, Counseling:)
You both sound like you love each other sooo much and actually talk, maybe you need a third party. Sex isn't everything, but it's important. Something is missing for her, maybe it's just youth or the unknown.
Please seek a third party, it sounds like you would both be willing to go.

Thank you, Dahila for taking the time to read my post and replying with your comments! I'm sure if I brought up the counseling thing she would be all for it, but we can't really afford it right now... Her and I have had many discussions about the possibilities of her "void" and they all mostly revolve around not having the dating/sexual experiences to know if there was something better then what she has... It kind of makes me feel like garbage, and that I did something wrong somewhere along the line that has made her feel there may actually be someone better for her! I have also noticed that lately she has walking with her friend Stacy more often, and for longer periods. Because of this, she leaves around 7:30am and gets home around 7:00pm 4 or 5 days during the week, and has recently seemed distant from not only me, but the children as well! They constantly talk about missing her, and asking when she's going to be home... They go to bed around 8-8:30 so she really only sees them for like an hour a night, but in that hour she's on Facebook or texting Stacy and doesn't really interact with the kids as much... I'm a stay at home Dad currently and feel as if I do everything for the kids everyday... I know this isn't healthy, but I feel as though she is beginning to push us away from her; and I get the impression that she's doing this for the reasoning of "if" we do split up, she can be more metally prepared! I asked her a couple of times if she felt that her feelings for her ex were starting to grow stronger again, and she always tries to find a way to change the subject real quick... I know counsling would be useful, but I was hoping to get some advice before going down that path... I also asked her if she felt the need to have another sexual experience with another man, and simply replied "do we really have to discuss this?" If I was to ask this question even 6 months ago, her response would have been something like, "I don't really have the desire to be with anyone but you." I know sex is not everything, but I feel as though she DOES feel the need to be with another man... Any ideas??

I think you do way too much presuming, and assuming what goes on in someone else's mind. Sure you have been through a lot, who hasn't, and we all get to a low point in the cycle of life.

What I see is a real rut where you have both essentially reversed the traditional roles that you were use to. You have too much time on your hands, and not a lot of healthy alternatives for fun, leisure and relaxation. Maybe it's the lack of money, or ideas that normal healthy adults do to bond, and connect. I think that's where you start, finding some good clean inexpensive adult fun to have with your wife. Got any couples who are friends, house parties, and card parties is the way we rolled on the weekends, and who needs babysitters when your friends have kids?

You can fill the voids you both have by doing stuff with others, as a group, and having mutual friends to do things with. Yes you are both in a rut and isolated in a very dull world, I think, and your minds are starting to play tricks on you and changing you into an insecure dull boy.

Boy do I miss those days when we were almost as young, as our kids, and we had friends who were couples with kids, and we were all poor, but we had a great time when we could, and it was really something fun to look forward too. Everybody needs something to look forward to.

I think your wife should take some time to talk to you about her future. Does she want you and her kids in it? If she does than, she has to make a decision. It's that simple. Everyone makes choices in life whether they are 17 or 37. They get to choose how many partners they want and what lifestyle they want for themselves. Your wife made a choice a long time ago. She can change her mind, but she can't have it both ways. It is too hard for you and your children to allow a marriage where one parent has extra-marital affairs. That's reality.

I think you need to start thinking of a possible future without being a couple. Start looking for a job outside of the household. Just having an fling isn't what she is looking for. She is already putting distance from the marriage. You are so desperate in keeping the marriage together that you would allow her to break the vows you BOTH took.

If she is that unhappy in this marriage that she would have an affair, instead of working on the issues to improve both of your attitudes toward the marriage, then let her go. It is time to move on for BOTH of you.

Marriage, is just like anything in life, hard--uncertain--happy--sad---disappointing--inspiring, etc.. Just like life, you only get out what you put in, and yes like life, you will experience ups and downs, but its how you work at those, that tell how much you want out of life or even a marriage.

Do you really want to share your wife? I would say the way she is acting that she is either already in a relationship outside of marriage or just on the verge. Either way, I don't think she is into the marriage. So now its up to you, what to you want out of LIFE, not crumbs from this marriage, but LIFE.

I want to start by saying thank you to all who responded to my last post! It truly means a lot to me! Here's an update!
My wife was still acting a little out of character for the past couple of weeks so I decided to put a keylogger program on our computer to either confirm or deny any inappropriate activity... I know it's wrong of me to do this, so please don't judge me on that... but I was able to track her chats with her ex over the course of a two day trial period... She went to the bar again this past Friday, and that's when I put the software on the computer... The next morning she woke up with the kids and let me sleep... later that day, she "laid down to take a nap" and went on the other computer in the room and started chatting with him.. I read the chat records from that morning to find out that he was with her again (without my knowledge) and that she had an "ABSOLUTELY great time"... She went to saying that the best part of her night was being in his arms at the bar... Later in the records, I noticed that there was talk of him coming over to visit, and she replied to it "I wish you'd do more then visit, but I have too many hang-ups and nobody to watch the kids"... I became furious, as you can imagine, and went to the bedroom and yelled like crazy @ her... After getting caught with even more evidence this time, I asked her again if there was ever anything inappropriate going on... She said that he kissed her that night, paused, and then said she also kissed back and didn't stop it... "It felt sweet and familiar" she noted... I left for a while and came back that night... She then told me that he also kissed her the first night she lied about seeing him (refer to my previous post for details)... After that first night was when she explained to me about her "void" and it only has seemed to get worse... I told her this time that I do not want her hanging out with him without me present again... She says she wants our marrriage to work, but lately has not really shown much.. She never really tells me she loves me unless I say it to her... She doesn't really show me any kind of affection unless I initiate it, and when I ask her to talk to me about her feelings, she simply remains kind of silent... She swears on our kids lives nothing sexual has happened (which I know it hasn't because she knows how sacred our kids are) but I feel like she's no longer 100% committed to our marriage anymore! She told her ex about me finding out, and he simply said that he was not going to disappear from her life because he doesn't want the kids to grow up like he did from a broken home... He also said that she needs to work out her issues with me and couldn't stand to be in the middle of it any longer... I respect him for that totally, but she seems even more hurt about that right now then she seems concerned about her and I... How do get over the fact that she had an emotional affair, that could have turned sexual if I hadn't caught it before hand? We can't afford counsling right now, so please help by giving you thoughts and advice!!

Thank you in advance!

My wife and I have had an extremely good and healthy relationship for 12 strong years up until about 6 months ago! She started talking with her ex-boyfriend via Facebook and ended up acting out of character when asked about her conversations with him. I trusted her to the fullest extent that she would not allow anything to happen between them, and she broke that! I decided to spy on her, and found that their conversations were way more heavy then a typical "friend" type of talks; flirting, sexual comments, and even talks about having sex were a few of the topics... Now I am almost 100% sure, based on their conversations I have read, that they have never actually had any sexual experiences with each other, but the talk is still there! One night she went out with her friends and failed to mention that her ex was there... After spying on her Facebook chat with him, I found out that more then her lying to me about him being there, he kissed her as well... She had commented to him saying the best part of her night was being in his arms after they kissed! This through over the top! I confronted her about the situation and was informed that he had kissed her on more then just this occasion... she claims she never initiated it, but didn't do anything to stop it because if felt "sweet and familiar".. Isn't that the same thing as kissing him??

My issue now is I love her with all of my heart, would do anything to save our marriage, and we have talks constantly about our future and where it may lead... It doesn't look too promising right now! We have two small children ages 6 and 3, and even they seem to have picked up on the fact that something just isn't right with mom and dad... I have tried to explain to her every time we talk that I do not like the fact she wants to remain "friends" with him, and continue conversing and hanging out with him. She also says that she is willing to do anything to save our marriage except give up her privacy, and that if I can't live with that I should re-evaluate my future.. I don't get it! Now my wife and her ex's communication has continued despite my hurtful feelings towards it, but I also don't want her to feel as though I am telling her what to do, or who she can hang out with... I have continued to go through her phone, Facebook, and emails because my gut feeling has not let me down yet... Her conversations have not been AS inappropriate, but still contain content that makes it seem as though something is going on between them emotionally (not sexually)... My actual question is, why would my wife feel as though she needs to talk to her ex while knowing it hurts me, but claims she doesn't want to hurt me??

I would say that if she isn't willing to stop all contact with this man that she is have an EMOTIONAL AFFAIR with, then you need to prepare yourself that your marriage maybe be at an end. It sounds like she is heading for a full blown affair with this man and has no remorse that you are aware of the entire situation!!

This isn't a matter of her having to give up her privacy, it is a matter of her giving up ANOTHER MAN!!
Its time to at least sit down and talk to her, advise her that you would like to seek counseling to salvage your marriage. See if she is willing to do that.

If she isn't willing, then I would be contacting an attorney and see what steps you need to be taking. Good luck

More of the story: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/how-do-fill-void-521994.html

Marriage Counseling is the only thing I can think of to help you both understand what is going on and ways to work together to fix the issues. You might be able to find affordable counseling through a church or your local government's Health Department.

Good luck.

Reading this, and reading Cat's link to a prior post, this relationship your wife has going on with her ex boyfriend, has been ongoing for at least six months.

She has continued to text, chat, and physically meet up with him in bars. None of that speaks of being faithful to you, or your marriage.

There is indeed another man in her life, and she seems unwilling to let him go. You think they haven't actually had sex together, but what difference does that make. She's gone far enough. It's sort of like saying you are only a little bit pregnant.

I don't know what more you can do. She does not seem to care, or respect your feelings, and instead continues to pursue a relationship with another man.

Until she is willing to let him go, only then will counselling possibly help to repair the damage that her behaviour has caused. But as long as she is unwilling to let him go, or even realize that she is ruining her marriage, counselling won't help.

I think that at this point I agree that you should seek legal advice. Think of protecting your finances, and think about a legal separation. Six months has been long enough for her to put you and her family first.

After merging your threads, I would tell her you are going to see a divorce attorney about getting a legal separation and she will need a place to stay when you return. Make sure you have an appointment first, and do go, to find out your rights. You need to know. To protect yourself. And your kids. Actions are what you need, not more words.