More than once I have found porn sites on my boyfriends phone and computer. I am young and have explained to him that it makes me feel uncomfortable and that I don't like it but I have found it again since then. I'm not sure if this is where I am meant to post my question but replies from girls and boys would be great. It makes me feel worthless and really disgusting. I don't like it at all :(

How old are you?

Second that, how old are you.

I have the same feeling about it, makes me feel worthless.
Though I can tell you from telling him over and over in detail how much it upsets me won't stop it, it will just make things awkward for you and him. He now reports to me how often he has masturbated, so I can know because I want to (but don't want to) but also because he feels guilty and ashamed now.
I'd say I've royally screwed things up... My advice is tell him exactly that, how it makes you feel worthless and disgusting. Maybe ask him to stick to written porn (it can be good too). Or suggest he hide it better if it's a case of just running across it as you borrow his computer or phone. Then after saying that once in a way that really sinks in, stop looking through his stuff for porn (If you are purposefully searching for it). Don't ask him if he's masturbated or anything. Ignore that, pretend it doesn't exist. You will feel happier not including yourself in that part of his life, it's a personal thing for yourself and for him. Guys do that, it's healthy and a normal thing to do, I feel like almost necessary for dudes to jack off (I'm pretty sure it is a way to keep their genitals in good health).
Now if you are walking in on him masturbating to porn, or say he starts too when your in the house making food and he's at the computer doing his thing... Or if you notice him turning you down for sex or the sex isn't as good. Maybe he could take a break and you guys could talk it over in more depth...
I know this may not sound like the best, and you would like to rid his life and yours of porn all together, but it's his body and his choice if he would like to indulge in this you don't have a right to force him not too. If it came to that I feel the relationship would become unhealthy and fast as well.. from personal experience. The best thing is make sure you communicate how you feel about it in a calm non-blaming way!
Good luck!

This is the adult sexuality forum, therefore we cannot offer any sexually based advice until we know the age of the poster.

Well, hopefully my advice wasn't too sexually explicit !

I am only 18. I wasn't searching for it at all and I just stumbled across it, the same as the other 2 times. It makes me feel really worthless and really unwanted and I have told him on 3 separate occasions that I don't like it but I feel as though every time I use the computer it's on there. Thank you so much to the person who replied a decnt response. It made me feel better knowing I'm not the only one but I actually feel sick to the stomach about it :( maybe I'm just a stress head :(

I am only 18. I wasn't searching for it at all and I just stumbled across it, the same as the other 2 times. It makes me feel really worthless and really unwanted and I have told him on 3 separate occasions that I don't like it but I feel as though every time I use the computer it's on there. Thank you so much to the person who replied a decnt reponse. It made me feel better knowing I'm not the only one but I actually feel sick to the stomach about it :( maybe I'm just a stress head :(

Looking at porn isn't a bad thing...

A lot of people (men and women) look at it.

I think you are taking this the wrong way as if he is not happy with you. I'm pretty sure he is happy with you.

I do find it hard to believe that you just happened to "stumble" on it.

WHY do you feel worthless?

What about porn has anything to do with you?

Are you willing to give up Disney films and chick flicks? Those give the same unrealistic message about "happily ever after" to women that porn allegedly gives men about sex.

Those women have NOTHING to do with you. Ever read a romance novel? Ever actually expect a guy to be like the guys in the novel--REALLY? Or is it just a nice fantasy that you indulge in and move on?

Look, you ARE young. But you need to realize that your boyfriend looking at porn is just that--he's LOOKING. If this is something that you are going to be unhappy about in the long run, you're better off breaking up with this guy and looking for one that doesn't look at porn.

If you FIND that guy--please let us know where, so we can send other women to that place too.

In the meantime, please determine--either by yourself or with a counselor--what EXACTLY it is about porn that makes you sick. Once you identify what the real problem is, you will have an easier time determining how you will deal with it in relationships.

But you are clearly not happy, and asking him to stop is clearly not fair--unless you are willing to give up something of equivalent value that he hates but you like. Doesn't have to be sexual. Say, for instance, you like to go shopping occasionally. Or you like to have dozens of pairs of shoes, even if you don't need new ones. Are you willing to give up something that YOU truly enjoy, just to make him happy? FOREVER?

Agreed, if it is not effecting your relationship with him and not giving him unrealistic sexual beliefs, a large percentage of men look at some adult material ( i.e. porn as you would call it)
In some cases, it even helps couples who view it together, if they are having some problems. Men are much more visual than women are ( in general) so having some and looking at it once in a while, or sharing it with the "boys" is one thing, if he is spending hours watching it and it is effecting his or your life it is another.

It has nothing to do with "YOU"

And how does not just "happen" to find it on anothers phone, I guess I can't see why you were looking though his phone to start with. Was he sitting there watching you look though his phone

If she feels bad about it and has told him so and he continues to do it it does effect the relationship.

When you have explained how you feel to him, what does he say?
If he is going to do this, ask that he leave the evidence of him doing so off your computer.
Do you two live together? If not, tell him not to do it on your computer and stop looking at his phone.

I believe they said HIS cell phone and HIS computer by the way it is written, the OP can come back and give more info.

So all answers seem to be written from the aspect that it was all on his equipment.

Then she needs to stay off his stuff.

Embarrassed, I can understand where your coming from. However, as much as you may not want to hear it, it is your issue not his.

He has the right to look at what he wants just as you have the right to look at what you want.

IF he has material on his phone and computer that you don't want to see, then don't look at his phone and computer.

A very important part of self-confidence is the word 'self'. If you are confident in who you are, then you won't be as concerned about what he is looking at. What interests do you have outside the relationship that help you feel good and more confident?

I really do feel you... but it's my stresses and insecurities that cause me to hate porn I know, if I was more confident of myself I wouldn't feel that way about it. He is most likely very happy with you and you don't have to worry!

I just got to say... Some people are really bad at hiding their porn. I'm saying I've gone onto a friends computer (with their permission!) to search something and say links to their favourite porn websites are in their bookmarks with the rest of them. Or a folder on the desktop... or even a folder on your iPhone next to some cool game you play usually. Some people are really bad at hiding it, or just don't care. In this day and age when everyone is on computers or have cell phones with 2gb hard drives we are bound to run across stuff we don't want to on accident. Maybe her boyfriend is like that, if she is telling the truth about happening across it. That's why I suggested... maybe she ask him to at least HIDE it better so she doesn't see it if she's using the computer while she's over.
Now maybe she wouldn't have to go INTO the folder, or click on the bookmark... but that's what we do when we get insecure! There is some curiosity which you can't resist, now unfortunately Embarrassed has to deal with that consequence.
I still agree though... it is his body and mind, he can look at whatever he likes to. It would be nice if a guy could just drop what he likes for you to make your feelings more secure but it isn't fair (as I learned the hard way).
I have a friend actually who successfully got her boyfriend to not look at porn. Their relationship is far from healthy, I could tell you horror stories about how much she controls him to feel better about herself. Would you like your relationship to get to that degree of unhealthy? Before you start trying to control him and what he does so you aren't hurting, please try to boost yourself confidence and counseling isn't a bad idea. It could help you immensely... sorry if this is just a repeat! I just really want to steer you away from going down that path of a mixed up relationship!
P.S. though talk to him first about it one last time to see how it goes... then decide how you will proceed for yourself from there

It just makes me feel worthless because I don't understand why he has to be looking at them instead of me. Thanks everyone for your input though. I've spoke to him and he isn't going to use my computer and try make those things with himself more private because I don't feel at all bad not knowing about it. Thanks though everyone

It just makes me feel worthless because I don't understand why he has to be looking at them instead of me. Thanks everyone for your input though. I've spoke to him and he isn't going to use my computer and try make those things with himself more private because I don't feel at all bad not knowing about it. Thanks though everyone

Then YOU have to deal with your own issues and don't try to push off the blame on him...

Do you watch movies? Do YOU look at movie stars or TV stars any differently than your own parents or siblings? Sure you do, everyone else does too, Then what you are doing is absolutely NO different than him watching some porn. Its his right to look at it if he wishes... it's nobodies right to demand he stop. (unless its kiddie porn) OR he is chatting up other people.. which isn't simply watching porn.


Seriously... If you feel so poorly about yourself that he can't look at porn or the waitress at the restaurant... the Cashier at the store... the girl on the sidewalk... (see where this is going) then exactly HOW is him being forced to do this going to change YOUR problems. Seriously. Push him on this and he's going to distance himself from you because this is not a reasonable demand... not going out a few nights a week to the clubs with a group of his gal-pals might be reasonible... but controlling what he can and can't view is unreasonable.


First you have to deal with your own self esteem issues... and understand YOU are the root of that... not anything he or anyone else does. If you can't feel good about yourself....nothing anyone else can do will make a real difference.

YOU shouldn't rely on someone else to feel good about yourself... if ANYONE should feel good about you... its YOU.

It just makes me feel worthless because I don't understand why he has to be looking at them instead of me. Thanks everyone for your input though. I've spoke to him and he isn't going to use my computer and try make those things with himself more private because I don't feel at all bad not knowing about it. Thanks though everyone

Wait--you think you're the ONLY woman your boyfriend should ever look at?

What kind of controlling, unrealistic attitude is that? Do you think certain actors or singers or other famous guys are hot? What if your boyfriend DEMANDED that you never look at another guy again?

It really has NOTHING to do with you.

While you've come up with a temporary solution, you're still going to KNOW he masturbates--and sometimes it's when looking at porn. Can you really get past that? And I agree--it shouldn't be on YOUR computer. That's a good line to draw.

But honestly--your self-esteem should NOT be based on whether your boyfriend looks at other women. It should be strong enough to know that while he's LOOKING at them, he LOVES you.

And if it ISN'T, you should see a counselor to find ways to improve your own self-worth.

It just makes me feel worthless because I don't understand why he has to be looking at them instead of me. Thanks everyone for your input though. I've spoke to him and he isn't going to use my computer and try make those things with himself more private because I don't feel at all bad not knowing about it. Thanks though everyone

A little FYI, coming from a woman, when I was married I watched porn when my husband was away...

Did it mean that I wasn't attracted to him? No

Did it mean that I wasn't in love with him? No

It's just something I enjoy from time to time.

Does it make me bad or strange? No way.

Don't stress about it.

I also agree fro him to not use it on your computer. Let him on his...

Good Luck.

Men are nasty little creatures who enjoy watching people have sex lol. Honestly, I would suggest that you should get a movie that looks enticing and watch it by yourself, you never know- you may get hooked!

men are nasty little creatures who enjoy watching people have sex lol. honestly, i would suggest that you should get a movie that looks enticing and watch it by yourself, you never know- you may get hooked!

Being a guy. I take homage to that. I find that insulting. I watch a lot of porn and I still find that insulting.

Please choose your words carefully. Homegirl50 already gave you red for this. I won't give you more.

That wasn't useful as well. Please read the thread through before you respond, your 'help' might have come up earlier.

Wow, stop worrying girl, it's only porn.
It doesn't mean he finds you any less sexy or attractive, in fact probably the opposite.
My OH watches porn, and yes, he enjoys it, but some of the nasty girls on there and the things they do, he wouldn't want me to do in a million years... it's fun to watch for sure, heck I'm even intrigued by some of the raunchier stuff, but the fact that he doesn't want me to reinact "2 girls 1 cup" shows he has a lot of respect for me, and he sees me as his 'sweet' girl rather than a porn star.

I have my 'list' of actors/musicians that I find attractive, I have told my OH that if I had the chance to sleep with Johnny Depp, I'd be naked faster than you can blink, same as he has his list (Charlize Theron was his choice), it isn't being 'unfaithful' and he isn't betraying me, it's just a bit of fun... you can't walk around with your eyes closed all the time.

Bottom line, porn is fantasy, not reality. You're his reality.

It's a movie, a show, just like any other movie. You do watch movies, right? Well when you do, you're delving into a fantasy. That's what porn is.

There's really no reason to be insecure about it. As you get older, have a little more confidence in yourself, you'll realize that being jealous of porn, or anything along those lines, is just silly.

I have to disagree there. Watching porn is not like watching TV. It is on a whole different level.
Perhaps she is worried about her boy friend's expectations of her after watching porn. That is not a matter of insecurity, there have been many a relationship destroyed because girlfriend or wife refuses to be a porn star or feels like she is competing.

If it bothers her that he indulges then she has a choice to make. If he does it occasionally there is no problem but when he is watching pron instead of watching her (and that is a problem in some relationships) then she might have a problem.
Not caring for porn is not a problem and a woman should not be made to feel like there is something wrong with her because she does not watch it, or feels her man may have a porn habit.

The thing is, he's not making her watch it. She's snooping on his computer and finding the porn. From the sounds of it he doesn't do this when she's around, nor does he expect her to participate.

Homegirl, you're right, she doesn't have to watch it, and she doesn't have to like it, but I disagree that porn isn't like any other movie.

Some people don't like romance movies, that's their choice. Porn is just another genre of movies, and it's not everyone's cup of tea. I myself can't stand war movies, but my husband likes them and does watch them. I have a choice not to watch, but should I tell him he's not allowed to because I don't like them?

Everyone romanticizes about characters in movies. Don't tell me there isn't some actor you think is gorgeous. Porn is fantasy, just like every movie out there.

Can it become a problem? Yes. Is it a problem in the OP's relationship? I don't think so. I think the main problem in this case is that the OP is snooping, and she's insecure.

The OP has a choice to make. She can either realize that porn isn't about her, has nothing to do with how her boyfriend feels about her, or she can leave and search for one of the few guys out there that don't watch porn of some sort.

I don't think it's fair for her to tell him to stop. A relationship is about accepting the person you're with, not trying to change them to suit you.

The thing is, he's not making her watch it. She's snooping on his computer and finding the porn. From the sounds of it he doesn't do this when she's around, nor does he expect her to participate.

Homegirl, you're right, she doesn't have to watch it, and she doesn't have to like it, but I disagree that porn isn't like any other movie.

Some people don't like romance movies, that's their choice. Porn is just another genre of movies, and it's not everyone's cup of tea. I myself can't stand war movies, but my husband likes them and does watch them. I have a choice not to watch, but should I tell him he's not allowed to because I don't like them?

Everyone romanticizes about characters in movies. Don't tell me there isn't some actor you think is gorgeous. Porn is fantasy, just like every movie out there.

Can it become a problem? Yes. Is it a problem in the OP's relationship? I don't think so. I think the main problem in this case is that the OP is snooping, and she's insecure.

The OP has a choice to make. She can either realize that porn isn't about her, has nothing to do with how her boyfriend feels about her, or she can leave and search for one of the few guys out there that don't watch porn of some sort.

I don't think it's fair for her to tell him to stop. A relationship is about accepting the person you're with, not trying to change them to suit you.


I agree 100% with her entire post.

I did, however, almost give Alty a reddie for the Vin what ever his name is comment. Lol Yuck :) I'm only joking.

I wanted to ask the OP, have you ever seen the movies, "Basic Instinct", "Sliver", "9 1/2 weeks", "Color of Night"? What I'm asking is, are you OK with him watching movies like those? Those movies I just mentioned have A lot of sex in them... Is it just porn for you that bothers you, or is it any movie with a lot of sex in it?

I don't think she needs to change him nor ask him to stop, My main disagreement is the idea that porn is just like other movies, it's not which is why you can't see them on regular TV. A man does not watch a war film and then want to play war with you. Porn has an effect on some people and it can be a problem.
I don't think we need to make women feel guilty, like they have a problem because they don't like it, or maybe has a partner with a problem with porn and tell her it's no big deal, because is some instances it is a big deal.
Otherwise I agree she should stay out of his stuff.

Embarrassed, I hope you are still reading this even if you don't respond again. I think it is important for you to understand that erotica can be found in many places and many forms. 'Porn' is just a very explicit form.

Many movies and advertisements are just as arousing but more socially acceptable. If the person doing the watching has a foot fetish, a shoe commercial can be a real turn on. So, please don't base your self-image or the health of your relationship on what he watches. Just like he shouldn't base it on what you watch.

Most men watch porn.
The others lie about it.

You are 18. Keep an open mind,
And realize you will constantly
Be learning and understanding and changing
Your perspective as you experience life.


I don't want to sound rude and callous ,
But since I am it will sound that way.
18 year olds don't know nothing yet.

Sorry, but it is closer to fact than humor ,


I wish you well.

Just a little extra thought. When you fully accept and love yourself, you won't even see those women as competiton. Not only will you feel happier when you have that confidence but your man will love to see that confidence in you. It's often a long road to travel but do try and start that journey by working on your own self-esteem. I promise it's worth it.

That's not to say that people don't or shouldn't have objections to porn for various reasons. Some do, some don't. But it shouldn't make you feel worthless.

I don't think she needs to change him nor ask him to stop, My main disagreement is the idea that porn is just like other movies, it's not which is why you can't see them on regular TV. A man does not watch a war film and then want to play war with you. Porn has an effect on some people and it can be a problem.
I don't think we need to make women feel guilty, like they have a problem because they don't like it, or maybe has a partner with a problem with porn and tell her it's no big deal, because is some instances it is a big deal.
Otherwise I agree she should stay out of his stuff.

Really? Funny thing---I thought they added the NC-17 rating because violent (war) movies were influencing teens to do violent things. And I thought they edited violence out of a lot of movies that are shown on TV because it WAS influencing people to be violent--especially younger people. I think that there are at least a few cases where kids were influenced by violence in TV or the movies to shoot each other in "war games".

Please--the people that can't divide reality from a movie have a problem. The people that think the people AROUND them can't separate fantasy from reality (like, say... watching porn! ) have a different problem entirely.

Is porn a problem in some relationships? Absolutely. But I think that the porn problem in most relationships STARTS as a communication problem.

I never said TV did not influence people.
I said porn is not on the same level as regular TV.
You don't see naked people screwing and going down on each other on TV. You don't see frontal nudity on TV. There are not Adult TV video shows.
But I' sure as time goes by someone will find a way to get porn on TV too.

I do see blood and gore and guts on TV, though. I see people shoot each other on TV. I see all SORTS of violence on TV--sometimes in the form of a war movie. There ARE movies that are not shown on TV for their violence levels (like SAW or Faces of Death). You CAN rent or buy these movies from stores that sell videos.

I'm saying that porn and violence are the SAME THING. I'm saying they have the SAME amount of influence on people. You don't see super-violent movies on TV any more than you see hard core porn---but they exist. Do you see soft core porn on TV? Absolutely. Full frontal nudity? Not so much---but you see people groping through clothing or grinding against each other or so much skin showing that it doesn't matter that you're not actually showing private parts. Porn (sex) is ALREADY on TV, Homegirl. You just don't see it as porn because you're not seeing the actual insertion of tab B into slot A. And the same with violence--just because you don't see the bullet enter a brain or the blood fly doesn't mean that I don't see Die Hard on TV every Christmas.

I'm not saying the subject matter is not there, but it is not as explicit. That is why they are two different venues.
I think there is too much sex on TV. I think it has gotten tacky, I think there is too much violence on TV as well but again porn takes it to another level.
But I will just agree to disagree.
There really is not point in butting heads over this.

Responding to the person on page 2. I don't snoop his property at all. I have spoken to him about it and he apologizes for leaving it open and we have also spoken about things like how I have a great personality and it was just something silly. I didn't like it because I felt like I had to perform like those girls did next time we had sex and I was uncomfortable with that.

Responding to the person on page 2. I don't snoop his property at all. I have spoken to him about it and he apologizes for leaving it open and we have also spoken about things like how I have a great personality and it was just something silly. I didn like it because I felt like I had to perform like those girls did next time we had sex and I was uncomfortable with that.


We each have our limits, not everything on movies, are all that bad either,
Things like dress up, role playing, even locations can be exciting and bring spice back to troubled relationship.
Some couples enjoy watching some level of porn together for the excitement

Remember he may not stop, he may merely just hide it more since you have said you don't like it. Please don't try and control and force him to change too much.
But also don't do anything you don't feel good about

I'm confused. Has he asked you to act like the girls in the porn films he watches, or is he just watching porn?

If he's asking you to be a porn star, than yes, you do have a problem. If he's just watching porn, than he's just watching porn.

Do you expect him to act like the stars in the movies you watch? Do you want him to dress up as a pirate and act like Johnny Depp?

Porn is fantasy, not reality. As soon as you realize that, you'll be a whole lot happier.

The bottom line is this. If you can't handle him watching porn, than find another boyfriend. You can't expect him to change because you don't like it.

I'm late to the game. Oh well.

First... lots of good advice above.

Second... two things that might seem in conflict, but aren't.

You get to choose what crap you are willing to put up with. You shouldn't feel bad because you dislike your guy watching porn. You aren't "abnormal" for feeling this way. It gets posted here over and over and over.

At the same time, if you tell him you don't like it and he still does, you don't get to stay and complain. Choose your battles.

Had a lover who hated men looking at porn. But shed gladly buy the biggest vibe out there, had several compilation books of erotica, and a bunch of the red shoe diaries on tape. Mkay. Her porn was less direct than mine, but really... she had her own version of "external stim".

I didn't like the double standard. I had no problem with her owning it.

Uhm... I had a point...

I guess its to prop you up and spank ja at the same time.

Its fine to figure out what you are comfortable with. You aren't "wrong" if you outright dislike porn. But he isn't wrong for liking it. You just might not be right for each other.

So... pick your fights. Is it worth it? Is he attentive to you? Good to you? Kind to you? Does he meet your needs? What do you really need from him? What is the short list?

After that... I have found its better to let some things just slide. I can count on one hand the things I really, really need from a lover. And, after falling on my face too many times, I can find a way to let many things go when I know they aren't worth the frustration or anger.

Men don't look at porn because they want something other than you. Men look at porn because they are absolute idiots about the female form, love the voyeur aspect, and are hard wired for it.

Never once have I seen porn of any sort, in verse or in pixels, and thought "she'd be better than the girl i'm with"... just the truth.

Kp2171. You are awesome haha. This made me feel great. Thanks everyone for their help and advice and I have worked why I wasn't liking it. Thank you heaps to the last comment. Finally Someone saying I'm at least not wrong and has some understanding. Mind you so have heaps of the other responses Thanks guys x