This is a long post and I apologize. I am looking to get some input because my 19 yr old daughter is out of control. She moved out in the middle of the night in December 2009 and came back to live with us in March 2010 after she realized how hard it is to have to pay bills etc. She pays for her own cell phone plan and car payment, about $ 150 a month combined thanks to her grandparents who enabled her to get a fully secured small loan to build her credit. She doesn't have to pay anything here and our rules are not that strict. Most of the information I have is from her ex-boyfriend who works with my husband (her Stepdad) and from a few other sources.

For the last couple of months she has been hanging out with two really shady people, a couple, who are into ecstacy, pills, alcohol, other drugs, stealing electronics, partying and threesomes. She constantly spends the night there and because she cheated on her ex with those two people, the one good thing she had going for her went down the drain a couple of weeks ago. She is in college full time and has been skipping classes lately. She has been driving under the influence (alcohol) once (that I know of), driving home from these peoples' apartment and she admitted it to me . She works part-time and makes about $ 150 - $ 200 a week including tips and she should have plenty of money for gas and enough to save too which she doesn't do. Yet, she is stealing stuff at WalMart and returns the stuff at a different WalMart so she has gas money. Worst part is that she tried to take her 16 year old stepbrother along for it. He didn't go and told us. She got caught stealing at WalMart before while I was grocery shopping and I told her that she wouldn't be my daughter anymore if she ever did this again. That was about 2 months ago. During the summer when her little 14 year old brother was down here in FL, she told her stepbrother to have my son pee in a cup because the guy needed to be clean for an urine test so he could start working. She is constantly exploiting her family for these scumbags. I don't think she cares. She has no respect for her body or anyone else. She wants to be “out of the norm”.

This guy (the male from the couple) has a child with an ex girlfriend and he doesn't pay child support, he is a complete dead-beat. He brags about sleeping around with other guys' girlfriends and all the threesomes he has and calls all women “hoes” on Facebook – I've seen it. I am so afraid that he gets my daughter pregnant or that she catches a STD or AIDS ! My daughter's ex went through her text messages and found messages from this guy to her, giving her hope that they'd be together one day but that this is not the right time yet and that my daughter needs to play the game with his girlfriend – being nice to her etc. This scumbag is playing my daughter and his girlfriend and I'm sure a lot of other girls too ! I want to open my daughter's eyes so badly, you have no idea. I just don't know how. My daughter believes that this couple and her are in a real relationship, she told her ex. Talking about completely naïve and so far from reality ! I don't know what to do. Last week my daughter was broke and those two told my daughter that she didn't have to come back until she had money. So she went to her ex's and told him the whole story. He still cares about her and he has no reason to make these things up and they add up. I don't understand why she cannot see that these scumbags are just using her for her money and the sex that she readily gives up for them. I am at the end of my wits on what to do. She is in great danger, because of alcohol and the drugs, the stealing and unsafe sex practices. She has all doors open right now and she is jeopardizing her future for the scumbags she is hanging out with.

Every time we set rules she breaks them. If we would kick her out she'd end up dead, I'm sure of that. I love her so much but I feel so helpless. In the past couple of days she seemed to be doing what she was supposed to, school, work etc and she spent a lot of time with her ex which is OK with us, he will not get her into trouble. She has been here at home during the day off and on but didn't spend any nights here for the past 2 weeks. Last night at 9 pm she said to me that "she had to go work because she has obligations and that she had to take her ex somewhere" and she seemed to be in a hurry - the place she normally works at closes at 10 pm so that is not the place she went working at. It made me feel very leary and I am suspecting the worst. My husband talked to her ex around 10 pm and he hadn't seen her since this morning and they had no plans to hang out tonight. So she started lying again (if she ever really stopped). We found a receipt for lingerie from Adam & Eve on the coffee table in our living room yesterday. I asked her about it and she said that she treated herself which is OK I guess but now I'm putting 2 and 2 together. My husband drove past a couple of strip clubs on his way home from school but didn't see her car there. We suspect that the scumbag guy of the bad couple might pimp her out because this "obligations" statement sounds just like him. I am getting so frustrated again.

Ok, my husband talked to my daughter's ex around 11.15 am and she was there at that time. She got all upset that we were worried about her. Go figure. Turns out that she is indeed working as a stripper now - her ex told my stepson and he told us a little while ago. Mom's gut feelings are usually right - and I was again. The girl from the scumbag couple is working at the same place like she does. I am so ashamed that I raised someone so disrespectful to others and her own body. I am boiling inside. The plan now is that my husband is going to stop in the strip club one night when she is working to bust her right on the spot. We are also thinking about sending her up to Pennsylvania to live with her Dad now. I can't take much more. Do you have any advice for me? Thank You!

Whoever your daughter is hanging out with is obviously leading her down the path of complete ruin. If you can send her to Pennsylvania to live with her dad I hope you can arrange this. I don't see her getting any better staying in Florida being a stripper and (probably) a part time hooker. Her college is being wasted as she is more into drugs and "having fun" rather than thinking of her future.

What would Dad do if she was living with him? Would he allow her to have rotten friends lead her astray or would he put his foot down and make her behave and go to school and straighten herself out?

You mentioned the DUI. Is she still on probation for this? If so, then you will have to help her get her probation transferred to Penna.

99% of this story isn't what is important. What's important is that she is an adult and has money and you are letting her get away with anything she wants, delivering ultimatums you don't keep, and talking about 'sending' her to her Dad like she's a child. She needs a real ultimatum, a week at most, during which she gets to hand you half her paycheck, come home at 11 pm, go to classes, and follow any other rules you write down. If she breaks one, she's out the door, and I would even pack a bag at the presentation of the list. She already knows why she came home (can't manage money) so discussion isn't necessary, not about who she hangs out with or ANYTHING but what happens under the roof YOU pay for.

... and you are only hurting yourself and her if you live in fear of what will happen to her if you kick her out. You've been coddling her instead of making her take responsibility.

twinkiedooter, she didn't have a DUI but I am afraid that she will eventually get one if she doesn't change her ways. She has her Dad wrapped around her finger and I doubt that he'll have the ability to make her change.

Her Dad sent her to live with us when she failed 9th grade in Pennsylvania. She graduated last year, so she did change somewhat. She always felt attracted to losers, up there and down here. That is why she failed 9th grade up there.

As a teenager myself I can see how easily it is to get caught up money drugs and sex, its very appealing at this age. But teenagers are just like kids, we need structure in our lives, we need something to do all day. She seemed to have had her life set up: school, job, car. Which was good for structure but drugs money and sex can make it seem like there is no longer a need for structure. She no longer is respecting you, and feels that structure is no longer important.
If I were you, I would stop digging for information on her, that will simply make her rebel more knowing that your nosing into her life. I would keep everything within your home. When she is home, she will respect you. Start small with that. Tell her that you don't care what she does when she's not at home, but when she is she has to respect herself, her family and your home. This will make her feel like she has freedom, because your not trapping her with information you dug up from various sources. But slowly, just add on the rules and regulations still with that saying of, "you can do whatever you want, BUT you must respect the house/answer when i call/spend your money on gas etc.."
My dad used this on me when I was smoking pot, he told me I could do whatever I wanted as long as I didn't smoke in the house. Slowly he added more and more rules, but I felt free because "he didn't care". Its manipulative tactic and I realize what he did now, but at the time I thought I was outsmarting my father. I ended up quitting.

In this generation, teenagers believe and act like adults when they have no fully even matured physically (which is 25). Much less emotionally, disciplinary, and responsibly. There are two ways for a human to learn things and those are: 1. Through experiences. And 2. Through teachings (if they feel like learning). You are the mother here and she is living under YOUR roof. So stop REACTING and start ACTING... stop telling her the things that are on your mind and giving threatening her with possible things that you can do to mend this "out-of-control" state that she is in, and DO IT! Too many people think, ponder, and say things that they should be doing, if you believe that your ideas would help solve this problematic state that she is in then put them into practice and you will see that over time she will start straightening herself out. This is coming from a 19-year old male by the way.

Good Luck,

Javi

twinkiedooter, she didn't have a DUI but I am afraid that she will eventually get one if she doesn't change her ways. She has her Dad wrapped around her finger and I doubt that he'll have the ability to make her change.

Sorry. I misread the part that said she was driving under the influence of alcohol and just automatically thought she was caught. You are right. She will get caught and then she's really going to have real problems as this girl can't control herself and the Court and PO will end up being her "mommy and daddy" until she straightens herself out (if ever).

Right now you are enabling her to continue with her behavior of disrespect and inappropriate lifestyle. It's almost impossible to change a teen who has done this behavior for years at this point of the game. My only hope for you and your husband is that you get some kind of game plan and stick with it to counteract her behavior. Once a teen is out of control you have essentially lost the battle to change her behavior. She's been at this for years and obviously knows how to "play" you and Dad at that rate.

The question here is just how much are you willing to put up with before you and your husband call it quits and tell her to move out and forget to come back? She can't be changed by someone waving a magic wand over her head. She must somehow figure out that her destructive behavior is wrong and she must change it. This may never happen until she really gets herself in a real bind such as getting arrested for prostitution, DUI, drug dealing, running someone over with a car while high, etc. Right now she's having "fun" albeit at your expense emotionally by worrying about her. You have got to face reality and ask yourself if you want to live like this for 2 years, five years or not at all and then make your decision on just what you want to do about it.

It is not easy to turn your back on a child and refuse to support and condone their lifestyle while saying you don't like it and it upsets you. That in itself will tear you apart inside and cause you more harm in the long run.

Just a thought. Just WHO is paying for her college tuition at this point? If you are paying then I strongly suggest you stop paying for an education that is obviously being wasted. I wish my parents would have paid for my education. I had to make it all by myself, buying my own car, renting my own apartment, etc. I had no one to help me with a dime.

If she is working as a stripper she should have plenty of money to pay for her own college tuition. They can make more than $100 a night and then some. She also would have plenty of money for her own apartment.

Don't beat yourself up over this. You did the best you could raising her. If she makes wrong choices this early in her life she will definitely resent you and your husband for stepping in and "wrecking" her little game that she has going with you two. Your husband confronting her in the strip club is definitely not a good idea as the club will probably fire her and she'll just trot down the street to another club and start working here.

Face it. She's not paying attention to you or Dad any longer as "she now knows it all". Reality will bite her in the behind sooner than she thinks.

Apparently being a stripper is fun and all but this lifestyle definitely leads to a worse lifestyle in the end. I lived in South Florida for 25 years and am quite familiar with the strip club mentality. She got sucked into this lifestyle and no matter how hard you try to pry her away, the quicksand is just tugging on her even harder.

AP5yrs... Hello to everyone... My daughter has been driving me crazy for about all durning the time I was also taking care of my parents. I also have a mentally ill brother that could get away with anything in my mothers eyes... when my job as a CAREGIVER started my daughter was ten... my dad died in 2007 & my mother died in nov of 2010... and was in hospital for 5 long months & 4 different hospitals... my mother went into the hosp in June & the end of aug my daughter literally walked out & never came back home... I knew my mother was going to die so I called her & asked her if she would go with me for support.. her reply was " what do you want me to do about it"? I said support me... then she said "LET HER DIE"! & HUNG UP ON ME... That was nov 19 my frig had also went out & what little food in tryn to to do thanksgiving had spoiled. I didn't feel like thanksgiving anyhow & on top of that I got a 90 day eviction notice to leave my home of 14yrs I rented, because the owner had filled bankruptcy & the house was being foreclosed on! 1 Til this day she has NOT OLOGIZED TO ME & JUST KEEP WREAKING HAVOC IN MY LIFE KNOWING ALL THE HELL I HAVE BEEN Through! She left the boy she was with that following yr around July & I had moved into my new home WITH NO HELP FROM HER PERIOD.. She was too busy! Then she just assumed she could move in... without asking... I let her & told her there will be rules... which she didn't like & she stayed on the road.. when I was sick then met this other boy which I really didn't have good vibes from at the beginning... I need to go to the er & she refused to take me cause I had a contusion in my arm & it still hurts today . When she met him she was going to college & working part time & had gotten her own car & was doing pretty good but had two tickets that she honestly she should have NOT gotten & I got them, taken care by not having them no more period... NO THANKS FROM HER OF COURSE!! THIS past Nov she wanted to move in with me & let david move in too after taking care of her last one I SAID NO!! WE ALMOST GOT INTO A physical fight.. so she stayed gone here 7 there & went to go stay with his mother in which she was staying with her firend & her 12 yr old son... The woman's house was no fit for a dog to live in... IT WAS FILTHY, SHE WAS FILTHY & ROACHES CRAWLED AROUND EVERYWHERE... David had a warrant for his arrest in which I told my daughter but she denied it so jan of this yr He got arrested & pulled over in her car & she had tex me on jan 2 & told me she pg... at first I was completely crushed about her being pg... but I thought maybe this will show her a lot after all... well she came & stayed with me & moaned about him being in jail... it was a cash bond... so we gathered up money after 2 & half weeks & got him out... So I didn't let them stay in my house but in my nice tool shed!! CAUSE I Couldn't THROW HER OUT ON THE STREET PG... So they have stayed here now & about nickeled & dimed me to death... that boy had dandruff so bad I couldn't stay it & SHE just played with his hair so I stopped & washed everything... then they started itching bad it was SCABIES SO I CLEANED MY HOUSE Again REAL GOOD YES THEY STAYED IN TOOL SHED AT NIGHT,. THAT WAS COSTING ME SO MUCH PERIOD... THEN WE GOT PAST THAT I FINALLY TOLD THEM BOTH THAT HE HAD TO GO STAY WITH HIS MOM(SHE DID GET HER OWN PLACE) CAUSE I can't CARRY BOTH OF THEM... SHE STAY HER & HE STAY THERE... WELL MY DAUGHTER WENT THERE AFTER A DAY & SORT OF STAYED & NOT AGAIN SHE CAME BACK WITH HIM ON HER Birthday & I GUESS EXPECTED FOR ME TO HAVE A BIG PARTY WHEN IN FACT I AM OUT OF MONEY TIRED & DEPRESSED SO SHE GOT PISSED HE DID TOO & STARTED SAYING THINGS IN M Y HOUSE TO ME & I CALLED MY BF TO COME HELP ME HE HEARD WHAT DAVID WAS SAYING TO ME... SHE HAS NONE OF HER STUFF & TOLD ME SHE WOULD NEVER COME BACK & WILL NOT LET THE BABY BE AROUND ME... I JUST KNOW She's GOING TO B RING THE LAW HERE SOON TO PICK UP WHAT SHE Hasn't LOST FROM GOING TO COUCH TO COUCH WITH THIS BUM!! BUT I Don't WANT TO LET HER DO IT XCAUSE SHE IS DEPRIVED OF FOOD &BATHS OVER THERE... HIS MAMA Don't COOK LIKE I DO 7 PLUS THEY Don't EVEN HAVE A STOVE IF THEY EVEN WANTED TOO... WHAT CAN I DO TO SAVE HER FROM HURTING HERSELF & THE BABY... SHE IS SO SELFISH SHE CSNT SEE... THAT HE Isn't NO GOOD HE Isn't GOT A JOB SINCE FEB 16 & HE Isn't EITHER... HE IS A PIECE OF CRAP... I DID GIVE HIM THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT... BUT NOW I KNOW HE ALSO DOES MUSHROOMS & THINK SHE MIGHT BE DOING THEM TOO YES WHILE PG... PLEASE HELP ME SORRY SO LONG SINCERELY SUZANNES MAMA