My sister in law, her fiancé and my husband and I all went out for New Years. We're all friends and have gone out together before. We went to a party, drank a little too much, called a cab to go back to their house. We had a few more drinks, danced like fools and then my sister in law went to get things ready to call it a night. She didn't come back so when we went to check on her, she had passed out and so we put her to bed. In the mean time, my husband (her brother) fell asleep on the couch, leaving the fiancé and I alone. We had a few more drinks and discussed the oddities of being outsiders in this family. I was really intoxicated so most of what happened from this point on is a blur with a few noted exceptions. I remember talking to him then all of the sudden we were kissing. Then we were kissing again. I remember him leaning back in his chair and saying something about having his email at work and emailing him if I wanted to. The next thing I remember is waking up in bed with my husband. My husband says he woke up about 5am and came and got into bed with me. I don't remember going to bed or how I got there. My husband also said we had sex together and I kept saying my soon to be brother in laws name. I can't remember any of that. Now, I have never cheated on my husband or even considered it... honestly. I really don't think that I could even if I wanted to. My husband laughed off the name thing as me being totally wasted. What do I do? Do I confront my soon to be brother in law to see what happened? Forget it happened? What? I can't remember going to bed, that is what scares me.

Well- just chalk it up to a big mistake.

How about no more drinking in 2007!! No more drinking.

I agree... Big Mistake.
As for the drinking, I agree too. Just a note though, we only drink a few times a year( like 2 to 3), honestly. This has been enough to quit even that.

What do I do? Do I confront my soon to be brother in law to see what happened? Forget it happened? what? I can't remember going to bed, that is what scares me.
That is what I need an answer to... I can't remember after the kissing. I'm afraid of what else might have happened.

That is indeed a problem but if I was in that situation I would really want to know what happened. Because if you never ask then you will be always wondering what really happened. It is a Catch 22 either way but it is better to know then just pretend it never happened.

Let it go - if your husband found you - nothing more happened. It's the past - we can't do anything about the past. You may not like the answers - so just feel luckym because it sounds like you have a good husband. Stay away from the other guy - PLEASE!! Only see him when hubby is around. He's a jerk who it sounds like TOOK ADVANTAGE of you - what a creep. Sounds like he shouldn't be getting married!

Again - watch the drinking.

If hubbie didn't notice anything you probably just passed out. Some things are better left unknown though but I can understand your distress with not knowing. I would try to discreetly find out the truth.

I agree with Wildcat here. Just leave it alone and chalk it up to an experience in alcohol consumption (or when there has been too much of it). I feel that if you pursue this issue further it could upset your husband and lead to other issues for you. It would be in your best interest not to put yourself in a one to one situation with this guy for awhile. He sounds like a real creep.

Ahhh! Help! He just emailed me and long story short illuded to wondering if I was trying to piece together the evening. I want to know what happened and I want to also just forget it! What do I do??

I worry that this man is playing with your head. I say leave well enough alone. Engaging in banter with him over e-mail is not a good thing

Hmmm, do you have a gut feeling about anything? Do you think you might have done more than kiss him?

I would be in your shoes and wanting to know if anything else happened... but the thing is I think if you were both wasted and had sex, well I don't think either of you would have been sober enough to have left the scene... if you know what I mean. The fact that you woke up with your husband is a really good thing, and that he does not think anything happened is even better.

If you feel like you can manage to ask this guy if anything happened... I would do it, cause it seems like nothing did, but it would be nice to know for sure. As far as saying anything to the husband... yeah I would not go there. As with everyone else, I would chalk it up as a drunken make out that meant nothing to you, and its better off forgotten and put behind.. just be sure not to put yourself in that position again! As for this guy, well you were both drunk and both were wrong... if he tried to pursue anything, then he is definitely wrong!

Just be the bigger person and make it known that whatever happened was a one time mistake and will NEVER happen again... let this guy know that so he doesn't try anything more with you, but that you can still deal with him since he is about to be your brother in law too...

Good Luck... and well if you feel like letting us know what happened... I would be intrigued to know:) Hope it goes well!

Update...
I agreed to go to lunch with him to get the details. We met at a restaurant near his office and we had lunch. Nothing happened. According to him, I was all over him and he put me to bed where I immediately passed out. Great... except I do remember a few things. I remember him encouraging me to drink more when I wanted to stop. I remember him telling me after we kissed that I could keep in touch with him at his office... All that proves to me is that he is lying. Lying about what? I'm not sure. He had been showering me with emails then he has suddenly stopped. I know what that means. I see the writing in the wall. He got what he wanted and after lunch, when pursuing it wasn't as easy as he thought... he cooled off. Fine. That's really fine. I don't want an affair with him. I just can't stop thinking about what it would be like... just once. And he knows that and is getting off on it and I know he is playing me like a cheap fiddle. I have never NEVER cheated on my husband or even thought about it but after that night the door was opened and I find myself wondering. I feel like a schoolgirl that has a silly crush and I know I don't want it and I know it will never be. I just feel like crap. Everyday that we don't talk, I feel worse. I guess that is the price I pay for being so stupid drunk that this happened in the first place. And I guess this heartache is my pennance for my stupidity. It still hurts, none the less... and I am weak when it comes to him and guess what... he's marrying in to the family... a close family. So, I'll have to see him all the time. Stupid me... Stupid me... I get the resolve to forget it and then out of the blue... another email then the rollercoaster starts again. Right now I'm in the period where I'm not hearing from him and it is getting easier... I just dread the next email. I know I'll fall right back in... STUPID!! I know his attention is filling a void that I need filled. I know I don't want him in reality and that there will never be a relationship.. I don't want one. I know all of that but yet again, here I am. AUGHHHHHH!

How about - he sounds like a big creep!

How about no more drinking and staying away from BIG CREEP!!

You DON'T have to see him. AND NO DRINKING if you do. I bet $1 million he tries to get you all drink a lot again.

This is all creepy. REMEMER he's about to become a relative.

How about telling her??

TELL HIM TO STOP the e-mails.

AND you and hubby need to work o nyou guys!! I suggest counceling. And in that counceling you tell hubby WHAT HAPPENED!!

Sounds like you and hubby have a lot of issues to work out or there WILL BE TWO BROKEN MARRIAGES in your family... and it will come across as creepy.

That was a BIG MISTAKE do you think you slept with your brother in law? You might did that . Your really lucky that your husband probably didn't realize what happened cause he probably trust you , don't try to do more than that with the brother in law . In your place I would tallk to the brother in law and ask what happened and like s2tp said you better make it clear to him that you don't want to go farter than what happened till now except if you want to...

Good luck!!

This is really starting to sound like a second rate soup opera. Tell this guy to stuff it, and you go back to your life. You seem to like to feed into all that drama and fantasy, and I think you should get over it, and move on. You're the one letting him have the upper hand and you're the one to put a stop to it. Do so.

Aww Tal I tried to give you some rep... haha. Well I agree, she is letting him do this to her.
And what is a SOUP Opera?. hehehee



Uncharted
you need to focus on your marriage and put this behind you. block his emails and get yourself straight. You are only looking to get more hurt and hurt every one around you - It IS NOT worth it...K. You made a mistake, yes, you were drunk and stupid yes...but now your sober and your still making a stupid mistake by letting him get to you like this. Getting drunk is an excuse, not a reason, and your still using excuses to live off his attention.

You have a husband you love, you say everything is great, so stop fooling yourself that this other guy means anything to you.

Another thought on the things he has said, is it possible that he decided to downplay things so that you would let things go... Maybe he feels guilty too, for encouraging you to drink and kissing you, and by telling you he just put you to bed hes trying to tell you to let things go...I dunno, I doubt this is the case, but its still a thought.

No matter what, you need to make the decision to move on. You are the one holding on and anticipating what comes next. You need to put this behind you and concentrate on your marriage. I will not preach counseling, but if you continue this way you will certainly lose your family. If counseling is the only thing that will knock some sense into you, then it is necessary...

I hope you figure things out soon, and learn to make wiser decisions both drunk and sober!

Good Luck!

You sound like you almost want him to continue the emails so you can continue with your fantasy.

Block his emails. Don't talk to him.

Concentrate on your own marriage!

I also am not one to preach conselling but in this instance it may help to explain what has happened to a trained professional before you do something silly.

You are letting this guy play with your head. You have the power to stop it but you aren't. You are letting it continue which makes you as guilty as him!

Please put an end to this before it gets really really sad! I can see a world of pain for a lot of people here unless YOU end it! It all rests on your shoulders in my opinion!

I'd let it go and be thankful that it turned out the way it did. The problem started when you allowed yourself to be alone in this man's company. If you're going to drink, it's important for you to know your limit and stick to it. If you've outlasted your companions, then simply say "goodnight" to the stragglers and call it a night yourself.

Well I guess I’m really putting myself out here for this one because I disagree with everyone and I think you like this whole scenario and I almost feel your looking for permission or an excuse to pursue this. Some of your statements don’t add up as I see them.



Update...
I agreed to go to lunch with him to get the details. We met at a restaurant near his office and we had lunch. Nothing happened. According to him, I was all over him and he put me to bed where I immediately passed out. Great...except I do remember a few things. I remember him encouraging me to drink more when I wanted to stop. I remember him telling me after we kissed that I could keep in touch with him at his office... All that proves to me is that he is lying. Lying about what? I'm not sure. He had been showering me with emails then he has suddenly stopped. I know what that means. I see the writing in the wall. He got what he wanted and after lunch, when pursuing it wasn't as easy as he thought...he cooled off. Fine.

The way I read that makes it seem like your actually upset by it as opposed happy that it should be the end of it.


That's really fine.

Again, it sounds like your upset with it, not actually happy with his decision.


I don't want an affair with him.

Interesting you would say that then following it up in the very next sentence with this.


I just can't stop thinking about what it would be like.... just once.

Either your leaving some details out of your posts or there is some serious trouble in your marriage. Someone doesn’t just go from one extreme to another like that.


And he knows that and is getting off on it and I know he is playing me like a cheap fiddle.

I’m sorry but I don’t buy that. First your allowing yourself to be “played.” You didn’t have to answer his emails or go to lunch with him. Secondly he’s one the that pulled back so he is not getting off on it. He is controlling the situation to be sure, but you’re the one that’s is wondering what it would be like….even if it was just once.


I have never NEVER cheated on my husband or even thought about it but after that night the door was opened and I find myself wondering.

That seems to indicate something isn’t right in the marriage or a bigger family problem that you would want to pursue a future family member.


I feel like a schoolgirl that has a silly crush and I know I don't want it and I know it will never be. I just feel like crap. Everyday that we don't talk, I feel worse.

Again you go from “I would never cheat on my husband” to “everyday we don’t talk, I feel worse” which means you either miss him or the mystery or the excitement, or the thrill, or whatever but you come off to me as your trying to almost justify any actions you might be setting yourself up to take.


I guess that is the price I pay for being so stupid drunk that this happened in the first place. And I guess this heartache is my pennance for my stupidity. It still hurts, none the less... and I am weak when it comes to him and guess what...

You are weak when it comes to him? What? I’m supposed to believe that from one night of drunk making out that your barely remember over a guy that you never thought about in that way before? I don’t know. Maybe I’m off here but it seems to me like your holding out on parts of this story.


he's marrying in to the family.... a close family. So, I'll have to see him all the time. Stupid me...Stupid me...I get the resolve to forget it and then out of the blue...another email then the rollercoaster starts again.

I thought you said he quit emailing you?

And since he didn’t like you said, why can’t you just block his emails like every email account service provides.

Seriously this does not add up.


Right now I'm in the period where I'm not hearing from him and it is getting easier... I just dread the next email. I know I'll fall right back in... STUPID!!!

Into what? Another drunk make out session that you can barely remember? This goes deeper than your letting on.


I know his attention is filling a void that I need filled. I know I don't want him in reality and that there will never be a relationship.. I don't want one. I know all of that but yet again, here I am. AUGHHHHHH!

I think you hit the nail on the head that this fills a void. Attention perhaps? I don’t know what it is but I can tell you if you were my wife I’d want to know about this and I’d want to know yesterday what was wrong with our marriage that is causing you to think like this and I’d want to know what the void was you had, so I could attempt to fill it. I think this whole thing is a cover for a bigger problem and it sounds like you might need marriage counseling.

Well I’m on my island here with this one but after reading and then rereading this post as I wrote this I still stand by what I wrote and think this is a cover for a bigger problem.

Totally agree with chuff, but as usual could not rate you!

Uncharteredwaters, u really do seem bored and are looking for some excitement in your marriage. Why not do some sports or activities or anything else that does not involve cheating.

Chuff tried to spread the Rep to you as well... no such luck. Great answer though!

Waters... work on your marriage, yourself, and your happiness without trying to tear your family apart.

Chuff,
Thank you for your honest reply. You are right. That is why I am wrestling with this so much. I know it is wrong and the void it fills is attention. I know that. I also know that I love my husband, trust me, this has made me really examine our relationship. It hurts me that I let myself get so caught up in what could have been shrugged off as a stupid drunken moment. I also want to talk to my husband about this but I get sick at the thought. I love him and he trusts me and I violated that. And since I did say my soon to be brother in laws name in bed, I am afraid to tell him that we kissed and the whole soap opera that follows. I have told him that the name thing was just a drunken moment and it was stupid and that I didn't mean it. We have also talked a lot about our relationship as a result. I think the attention was appealing, I know it was. I have been married for over 8 years and the thought that another man was interested, even if it was superficial, was very appealing because I don't think of myself in that way. Which gets me to the heart of what you helped me realize, the problem lies in myself. I am a strong person and usually extremely put off by women who let themselves fall into... well... what I did. Thank you for the reality check and the perspective.

Hi there unchartered,

Well its good you are realising before its too late..
Yes sometimes we need a reality check...
Try and get your life back into order and do more activities etc.
I guess ye just got into a bit of a rut...

Chuff - we all understand she's seeking permission. This guy gives her the ATTENTION her husband won't.

Chuff,
Thank you for your honest reply. You are right. That is why I am wrestling with this so much. I know it is wrong and the void it fills is attention. I know that.

Look in all fairness to your husband maybe he doesn't know that. People get caught up in life and after time take the other for granted. I think that's natural to an extent. But if you husband has invested 8 years of his life in marriage and a few more going out with you I think he deserves to hear that. I think he has earned the right to hear from you that you feel like you need more attention. He might be willing to give it to you if you just told him. After time we just take people for granted but that doesn't mean he won't spend more time with you if you just ask.


I also know that I love my husband, trust me, this has made me really examine our relationship. It hurts me that I let myself get so caught up in what could have been shrugged off as a stupid drunken moment. I also want to talk to my husband about this but I get sick at the thought. I love him and he trusts me and I violated that.

Yeah you did. And this is really where I differ with everyone else. I think your husband has a right - no I think your husband after 8 years has EARNED the right to be told the truth when is wife is making out with someone. Drunk or not. Is this going to cause a divorce like sex would - No. Is he going to be upset - Probably.

But to me kissing is cheating. Not to the extent of a full blown affair but your in an intimate relationship with your husband and you did violate that. If I were him I'd want to know. I'd also want to know about all these feelings because I'd like to think that if we were married for 8 years I might be the first one to have a opportunity to feel this void as opposed to my future brother in law.


And since I did say my soon to be brother in laws name in bed, I am afraid to tell him that we kissed and the whole soap opera that follows. I have told him that the name thing was just a drunken moment and it was stupid and that I didn't mean it.

I agree that it wouldn't be a great conversation. But to me it's a conversation he's earned the right to be in... or at least listen too.


We have also talked a lot about our relationship as a result. I think the attention was appealing, I know it was. I have been married for over 8 years and the thought that another man was interested, even if it was superficial, was very appealing because I don't think of myself in that way. Which gets me to the heart of what you helped me realize, the problem lies in myself. I am a strong person and usually extremely put off by women who let themselves fall into...well... what I did. Thank you for the reality check and the perspective.

Well if you're a strong person then tell your husband what your missing. Tell him you need more attention. Everyone else says don't say anything about the drunken make out but I think if I was him I'd have a right to know. Even if you don't say anything to your husband, you know your being neglected by his lack of attention, but you are also neglecting him. Your neglecting a problem that he could address but probably doesn't even realize is going on. Your neglecting to give him the facts.

God, I'm going to sound like Dr. Phil here, but you know a lot of women complain that men don't give them this or that but we are not mind readers. We do not know what you are thinking. You have to tell us. We can't guess ANYTHING. Women tend to think, and especially years into a relationship, that we should know what to do or know what a problem is, but sometimes men just have to be told. My hunch is that if you just said to your husband "I need more attention from you" then he would give it to you. Truthfully you might have to tell him a couple times because it takes a couple pushes to get the ball rolling but none the less I think your husband has earned that right from someone he's given 8 years to.

Chuff - we all understand she's seeking permission. This guy gives her the ATTENTION her husband wont.

Wildcat, I guess my big surprise and disagreement was over the fact that everyone said she should not tell her husband. And I think he has a right to know. I think this make out session, drunk or not, goes to something deeper and is the start to what could snowball into something more. For that reason alone her husband, I believe, needs to know everything so that he can not only give her attention or fill any other void but also because it speaks to where this could go if he doesn't.

When in doubt I'll always defer to you because you know what's going on in the psychology of a relationship. But I just know that if I was the husband I'd want to know about not only the make out session, but the emails and secret lunch. I don't know, to me he's earned that right. That is emotional cheating and I think the husband has a right to know. If I put myself in his shoes, I'd want to know.

I agree with you... again. I know he would want to know. I know he deserves that. But the ramifications here are greater since it is not just some random guy off the street. It is family, you know, the ones we have to see day in and day out for the rest of our lives. It is a different, if not much more delicate situation. And as crappy as it is, I am close with his sister. So is he. This will create a huge wedge. I have talked to my husband about needing more attention, validation if you will. I have spent 8 years investing in that pursuit, trying daily to show him how I need to be loved by example. Don't get me wrong, I know my husband loves me. I just don't get reminded of that often. He is not openly affectionate. And he comes from a very unaffectionate family. Again, all things I knew when we were married. We talk constantly about our needs and wants. He knows. He just doesn't do it. I used to think if you love someone you would try. But, as we've grown together over the years, I've realized that that is so foreign to him that he has to make a conscious effort to be that way because it just doesn't occur to him to be that way. He's not withholding love, he's just doesn't act that way naturally. He works hard, he is a good father, he does love me, I know that. Like I told him the other night, we are two very different people emotionally but we are still in love. I still crave that part of our relationship and I do tell him I need it.

He's already created a huge WEDGE!! Huge.

AND if he cheats on her - he'll cheat on you on day - no question.

Get to counseling with your husband.

QUite frankly, if he was sending gyou all these e-mails - he probably shouldn't be getting married.

He's already created a huge WEDGE!!! Huge.

AND if he cheats on her - he'll cheat on you on day - no question.

Get to counseling with your husband.

QUite frankly, if he was sendin gyou all these e-mails - he probably shouldn't be getting married.
Look, I am not attempting to pursue a relationship with this person at this point, just trying to give a little background as to why...
[QUOTE=chuff] Maybe I’m off here but it seems to me like your holding out on parts of this story.
And explain why I can't bring myseld to tell my husband. We haven't exchanged emails in a few days and I am actually relieved.

I agree with everybody here. Just leave it alone. I don't know if its even a good idea to email him back.

Im with Chuff here. After reading your first post where you made out that it wasn't really to big a deal and you sort of brushed it aside yourself it thought maybe it was best to just leave it!

But now you have opened up and told the truth about a whole range of things, form your feelings of actually hoping something happens with your brother, to your problems with your husband and yourself, I have to say that you need to do some serious talking with your husband and some serious evaluation of yourself and your marriage.

There is obviously some things very wrong in ti for you to be expressing some of the things you have done in your posts proceeding your original question.

It would have been good to get all that info initially so we could offer more relevant advice.

I can't add much more than what Chuff has suggested other than to hope you take it on board and begin to sort the problems out in your own home with your own husband!

I agree with you...again. I know he would want to know. I know he deserves that. But the ramifications here are greater since it is not just some random guy off the street. It is family, you know, the ones we have to see day in and day out for the rest of our lives. It is a different, if not much more delicate situation. And as crappy as it is, I am close with his sister. So is he. This will create a huge wedge.

That’s a nice excuse to a horrible situation. Here’s how I see it as an outsider. You’ve cheated physically on your husband. Not sex but still kissing and making out with another man. You’ve emotionally cheated on your husband. You’ve lied by omission to your husband. If you never tell you husband with who he still has a right to know that.

Your sister in law probably also has a right to know that her future husband has made out with you and had no problem attempting to start an affair with a married woman. That might be some information she could use now before the wedding rather than find out 5 years into the marriage this was the kind of guy she got involved with. Maybe if her sister in law who claims to be so close to her told her that she could save her a lot of future pain.

Your right this does go beyond you and your husband. But it starts with him.


I have talked to my husband about needing more attention, validation if you will. I have spent 8 years investing in that pursuit, trying daily to show him how I need to be loved by example. Don't get me wrong, I know my husband loves me. I just don't get reminded of that often. He is not openly affectionate.

Well it sounds like you definitely need marriage counseling if after all this time he still doesn’t give you the attention you desire.


And he comes from a very unaffectionate family. Again, all things I knew when we were married. We talk constantly about our needs and wants. He knows. He just doesn't do it. I used to think if you love someone you would try. But, as we've grown together over the years, I've realized that that is so foreign to him that he has to make a consious effort to be that way because it just doesn't occur to him to be that way.

This will be my Dr. Phil moment and I’m warning you that I’m not a professional psychiatrist some dude from Florida. But her goes… Could this event have and the aftermath have been some subconscious way or perhaps even a conscious way to get back at his family for raising your husband to be unaffectionate? Your problem seems to be lack of attention and yet the person your involved with is going to be a member of the family, it effects two of the children and obviously the parents wouldn’t be too happy about this and in the end it gives you a lot of attention, even if it’s not good attention.

I’m not standing by that comment but I’m pointing it out.



He's not withholding love, he's just doesn't act that way naturally. He works hard, he is a good father, he does love me, I know that. Like I told him the other night, we are two very different people emotionally but we are still in love. I still crave that part of our relationship and I do tell him I need it.


You need to see a marriage counselor. He might be able to suggest ways for your husband to communicate and give you more time. If you’ve been trying for 8 years and you can’t get through to him then your not going too. You must let someone else try.

I'm confused , by your own words he was not affectionate before you married him and now you use that as an excuse to be less than honest about what you are doing. There is no excuse for your behavior.

The problem is this guy may not give you an honest answer. What I would be most concerned with is IF anything did happen... like sex... was protection used? You never know what this guy could have.

I'd at least get to the doctor & be checked out for different STDs, including HIV. I'm sure it will turn out fine, but better to be safe than sorry.

As for the drinking, it sounds like maybe you should watch your alcohol in take. Unfortunately you can't always trust people & they can easily take advantage of you. You don't want to do anything else to possibly jeopardize your marriage. If you do decide to continue to drink, I'd stop as soon as I started to get a buzz so you're not to the point of blacking out and/or doing something stupid.