I've been with my current boyfriend for 3 months, we are both 23. We sleep over at each others houses every weekend and a couple nights during the week but we have never had sex. I've made several advances but half the time I give up because there is absolutely no reciprocation. One night about a month ago I finally decided to ask him about it but I didn't really get a clear answer. He said whenever I have made advances (usually when we're laying down in bed) he, for whatever reason, just wasn't in the mood, but he says he gets in the mood at times where it's impossible for us to have sex (i.e. if we're out for dinner). He said he doesn't understand it and that it's nothing about me, so I told him it's no big deal and that I don't want to push him into anything he's not comfortable with and whenever he's ready obviously I am too. He was really embarrassed about it.
Now being a month later it's starting to effect our relationship. I just feel so self conscious, I've started to think it must be something wrong with me... I just don't understand how close we've become yet there is no heat or intimacy in our relationship. Is that weird? I've never been in this situation before, past boyfriends have always been pretty anxious to start having sex so I can't figure out what is up with this guy considering we have every opportunity to and he hasn't been with a girl in over 7 months, wouldn't he be anxious too? I so don't get it.
Basically I'm looking for any guys out there who have felt like this or might be able to clear up what might be going on because I'm scared to bring it up with him again. It's just beginning to really frustrate me...

I will be honest and say that maybe the relationship is being rushed a bit if it is only three months old and already you are getting frustrated over not having sex.

You really need to be able to talk openly and honestly about sex before you start having any. If he is vague about arousal, is he open about other details such as birth control? How is the rest of the relationship?

Maybe you should try not sleeping over at each other's places so often and see if that help build the sexual tension.

Maybe you are better friends than lovers.

The rest of the relationship is great. We've really grown close to each other and we get along great, in every other aspect he feels exactly like a boyfriend should. I agree it is a little soon and maybe I do need to relax a bit, it's just before all of this he seemed to want to take that step. We'd flirt a lot and he'd say little sexual innuendo's which I took as the green light, we're good to go! Then this. So I'm totally confused...

The rest of the relationship is great. We've really grown close to each other and we get along great, in every other aspect he feels exactly like a boyfriend should. I agree it is a little soon and maybe I do need to relax a bit, it's just before all of this he seemed to want to take that step. We'd flirt a lot and he'd say little sexual innuendo's which I took as the green light, we're good to go! Then this. So I'm totally confused...

I agree with cat. I had to spread the rep.

I think that you should just relax and let it happen when he is ready.

When it does happen, it will be based off passion not pressure.

Just put yourself in his position, I'm sure you wouldn't want to feel the pressures of sex.

It will happen. Oh and just to let you know, I made my husband wait for more than a year. Can you imagine his feelings. He, however, took it like a champ.:D

Lol :) that's a good point, and that's why I am so hesitant to bring it up again because the last thing I would want is for him to have sex with me because he feels like he has to... I want him to WANT too. That is the part that's frustrating me... he's a guy! He hasn't had sex in 7 months. I've made it clear that I'm willing/ready. Why doesn't he want toooooo... grr... lol. :)

lol :) that's a good point, and that's why I am so hesitant to bring it up agian because the last thing I would want is for him to have sex with me because he feels like he has to... I want him to WANT too. That is the part that's frustrating me... he's a guy! He hasn't had sex in 7 months. I've made it clear that I'm willing/ready. Why doesn't he want toooooo.... grr... lol. :)

It could be anything. I don't think it is YOU. Perhaps his last relationship was based off sex, and really nothing else. He may be afraid that it might happen again.

He wants to take his time. For what ever reason, he does. Let him. Doesn't matter if he is a guy, or if he hasn't had sex in 7 months. He is still a human being who has feelings. His feelings are to wait. So wait.

It will happen.

I think most of my frustration just comes from the fact that I don't understand. For example if I knew for sure that what you suggested was the case I would be 100% understanding and back off and everything would make sense. However he's told me pretty much everything about his past relationships so I have to rule that possibility out. Plus he was so vague when I did try to talk to him about it so I can't help but think about every possibility... i.e. is he sleeping with somebody else? Is he not attracted to me? I know it might seem silly or paranoid but it's how the situations makig me feel and I can't seem to shake it :S

Why doesn't he want toooooo.... grr... lol. :)

Maybe he doesn't want to repeat mistakes of the past. Have his relationships in the past been so much about sex that friendship and companionship were forgotten? It sounds like he may like more than just your body and that can be a very good thing in a relationship that you want to last.

Is he afraid of an unplanned pregnancy?

Now that you are getting a different view of the situation, maybe you can sit down with him and talk about it.

Maybe he doesn't want to repeat mistakes of the past. Have his relationships in the past been so much about sex that friendship and companionship were forgotten? It sounds like he may like more than just your body and that can be a very good thing in a relationship that you want to last.

Is he afraid of an unplanned pregnancy?

Now that you are getting a different view of the situation, maybe you can sit down with him and talk about it.

That was my point exactly. Thank you.

Well thank you for your feedback ladies... I like that neither of you are panicking so it's making me relax a little lol realizing it's probably just all in my head. Like I said none of my ex bfs have ever been so resistant so I just didn't know how to react. I think I'm going to give it a bit before I bring up the topic with him again, maybe in a month or so if it still hasn't happened.

Men. Lol. Got to love em'. :)

I never understand a relationship where people are ready for sex but NOT ready to talk to each other about sex.

It makes me question the depth of the relationship.

NOW is the time to ask the boyfriend if there's a problem.

I'm not sure you read my question properly. I stated that I have spoken with him about this already, but that I'm hesitant to bring it up again so soon because I don't want him to feel pressured.

Same thing - I read it. I'd speak to him AGAIN. If he isn't comfortable with the conversation then I'd rethink the relationship. I don't think you need to badger him but it appears this is an important issue to you and he should be aware of that.

And if his answer is, "No sex, not yet." Well, fine, you have your answer and can make a decision on how to proceed.

Yeah I would agree another talk is definitely needed, but I think I'm going to wait just a little while longer before I do. I'm going to see if things happen on their own over the next few weeks, and if not... conversation time! Lol. :)

I would be concerned that he is, for whatever reason, uncomfortable with a (or your) sexual relationship, "things happen," he feels guilty or sad or whatever else - and then you have to live with that.

I've never been much for the "sex happens" theory.

Judy I think you hit my concern right on the button! Do you have any pointers of how I should approach that exact point with him without making him feel inadequate or pressured? He seemed so embarrassed about it last time that I'm just nervous to make him feel any worse about it.

He might be in the mood when your out because there is more of a rush the feeling of being court out an doing something bad.
Might be what he needs to get him ready, it may not be but it is just a though
I know a few guys that love to have fun in public places as it give them more of a rush an more of a fantasy for them.

Well, the good news is he likes you quite a bit and he is attracted to you. That is fact.

Here's my take:

He's nervous about his sexual performance because he's inexperienced. Some of the things you wrote lend itself to that theory. This is something we men think about when we're seeing a girl we really like.

If he was confident, he would've taken every opportunity you threw at him.

I have considered that possibility, I know he has insecurities and he definitely has a tendency to over analyze so I feel like he might be turning this into a bigger deal than it is... but again, why me?? I know his last girlfriend and him were sexually active and they only dated for 2.5 months! I just find it hard to sympathize if this is the case, like grow up and get over it (woah lol heartless?) my last boyfriend was the most insecure person in the world so I'm pretty much over the having to constantly reassure thing... I've decided that I'm giving it until the end of the month and if nothing happens we're going to have to have a talk...

And I would approach it as if YOU are having the problem - along the lines of, "I feel very insecure/uncomfortable/embarrassed because I would like to have a sexual relationship and I feel like you are pushing me away. Could we talk about that?" He'll either say "no" (or jump out an open wndow to avoid the conversation) or he'll discuss it.

As a side note - does he talk about the "ex" often? Do you talk about your "ex" often?

I once dated a guy who spent MANY of his waking hours telling me how uninhibited and wild and crazy his "ex" was in bed to the point where I felt he was next going to give out ratings, much along the lines of the Olympics. I got sick of hearing about their sex life (and looking back I think he was convincing himself, not me) and I moved on.

Something like that going on?

What's wrong with NOT having sex?

If you were a guy talking about a girl, I'd be ALL over you about pressuring her to have sex before she was ready.

So---I'm all over you for pushing HIM to have sex before he's ready.

What IS it with girls that need guys to be "all over them" to feel attractive? I think at least part of this is about YOUR self-esteem. You don't feel worthwhile in the relationship unless he's REALLY sexually attracted to you, so much that you feel pressured.

How about leaving the physical side of attraction alone for now, and work on being mentally attracted to EACH OTHER. If one or both of you isn't comfortable enough to talk about your sex life, then you shouldn't be having sex anyway.

Perfect! Thank you lol. Don't know why that was so difficult to think up on my own but that is exactly how I feel so that is what I will say. Again though, I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and give him until the end of the month to see if he can man up and make a damn move! Lol

He actually does talk about his ex kind of often, not really about their sex life though. He has a lot of built up resentment towards her there is a lot of anger there, but I do believe that he doesn't still have any feelings for her (they only dated 2.5 months for pete's sake) as far as I know she ended things pretty abruptly and screwed him out of $150, so he's still pretty bitter about that. Anyway, I don't know how that cold play into anything. And no, I don't really ever mention my ex's unless he asks.

Synnen - I think you're kind of missing the boat on this one.

It is clear to me this isn't an issue of him "not being ready" it feels/seems to be about him not being ready with me, and I just can't figure out why. Like I said, he has been with other women, relationships shorter than ours, and they have been sexual. With me, nothing. He has made sexual comments to me before and otherwise given me the green light, but then when we're in a situation when something could happen there is zero response or initiation. I don't need him to be all over me to feel attractive, he makes me feel incredibly attractive lol he shows me affection/attention in many other ways so it's not that.

I feel there is a problem, and all I am doing here is getting other opinions because I, personally, have never been in this situation before.

So---I'm all over you for pushing HIM to have sex before he's ready.
I think you're overreacting here, the OP isn't out of line. After three months of dating and spending nights together, she wants sex and isn't getting it, that's a reasonable request and it doesn't make her a bad person with self-esteem issues. Moreover, she did say she's giving him until the end of the month to make a move so she plans to act on her feelings, which is completely pro-active.

To the OP: do you plan on giving him this ultimatum, or are you going to keep it a secret?

I'm just stating that if this were a male asking why a female wasn't "putting out" after 3 months, it would be a different story.

And I absolutely, positively stand behind my statement that anyone who can't talk about sex shouldn't be having it anyway. So... the fact that he won't talk about it says that he's not ready. Could be for any number of reasons, but until the OP gets him to talk about it, she won't know. Is it nagging to bring it up again? Not really, as long as it's brought up in the right way, with the statement of "I really just want to understand your side of this, and want to know what's going on with you. i'm not trying to pressure you, I just want to make sure we're communicating on the same level. If you don't want to talk about this, or want some time to think about it, that's fine. But we need to discuss it in order that our relationship be on firm ground".

For me it's not really an ultimatum. If he still isn't ready for whatever reason to have a sexual relationship come the end of the month, then I think I'm going to propose the idea of cooling things down / taking a break. I feel like at this point we've hit a brick wall because for me sex is important in a relationship. Yes some of you might disagree blah blah blah but for me it is. I like that feeling of lust, raw attraction, need. And I also think that next step of trust and intimacy is important. If he for whatever reason cannot give that to me, then it's just time to move on. Sorry if that's unreasonable to some but to each his own right?

I don't know how to do that quoting thing lol, but @ Synnen: "I'm just stating that if this were a male asking why a female wasn't "putting out" after 3 months, it would be a different story."

Yes, fine. But this girl also wouldn't be sleeping over at his house / having him sleep over half naked in bed together... just saying.

It is clear to me this isn't an issue of him "not being ready" it feels/seems to be about him not being ready with me, and I just can't figure out why. Like I said, he has been with other women, relationships shorter than ours, and they have been sexual. With me, nothing. He has made sexual comments to me before and otherwise given me the green light, but then when we're in a situation when something could happen there is zero response or initiation. I don't need him to be all over me to feel attractive, he makes me feel incredibly attractive lol he shows me affection/attention in many other ways so it's not that.


He actually does talk about his ex kind of often, not really about their sex life though. He has a lot of built up resentment towards her there is a lot of anger there, but I do believe that he doesn't still have any feelings for her (they only dated 2.5 months for pete's sake) as far as I know she ended things pretty abruptly and screwed him out of $150, so he's still pretty bitter about that. Anyway, I don't know how that cold play into anything. And no, I don't really ever mention my ex's unless he asks.

I think you are misreading his signals and not communicating with him.

From what you have written, his past relationships have jumped into intercourse extremely quickly and ended extremely quickly (2.5 months?). It sounds like a cycle he has gotten into and is trying to break.

You want him to 'man up' and make a move when he has been showing you he cares about you more than it appears he has other women in his past.

How long have your sexually-based relationships lasted? Do you think trying something different might be a good idea? You seem intent on comparing him to your past boyfriends and what they did and when. Why? Why not allow this relationship to grow at its own pace? Why rush into sex?

It isn't about what he did with X or when Y made his move. It is about when both of you together decide that the time is right. It is about communicating and understanding each other. Ultimatums, whether spoken or not, put pressure on a relationship and can warp it into something other than a healthy, enjoyable partnership.

Perfect! Thank you lol. Don't know why that was so difficult to think up on my own but that is exactly how I feel so that is what I will say. Again though, I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and give him until the end of the month to see if he can man up and make a damn move!! lol

He actually does talk about his ex kind of often, not really about their sex life though. He has a lot of built up resentment towards her there is a lot of anger there, but I do believe that he doesn't still have any feelings for her (they only dated 2.5 months for pete's sake) as far as I know she ended things pretty abruptly and screwed him out of $150, so he's still pretty bitter about that. Anyway, I don't know how that cold play into anything. And no, I don't really ever mention my ex's unless he asks.



EXACTLY! Which is why he might want to take things slow with you. To make sure things don't end abruptly...

Make sense?

Sexually-based is the wrong way to put it... I don't want this to be sexually based, but I feel like it is the next step to take. I've only ever been in long term relationships. Maybe that's part of the problem, lol kind of used to having steady sex. I don't know. I'm just saying you approach things differently if you are the type to take things slow. You certainly don't sleep over in the same bed frequently, shirts off, etc.

I'm not trying to rush him, and like I said the last thing I want is for him to have sex with me because he feels he "has to" which is why I haven't said anything about it since that first time a month ago. I feel like the amount of time we've spent together, slept over, etc I've been more than patient. I am going to give it more time, but at the end of the month will be 4 months and for me that is more than enough time. If it's not for him, then clearly we aren't on the same page and move at different paces, which is why I will propose we slow things down.

It's interesting to see all the different perspectives though, which is why I like this board. Helps you think :)

. . . If he for whatever reason cannot give that to me, then it's just time to move on. Sorry if that's unreasonable to some but to each his own right?
Well said.

I have a suggestion, what if you took the reigns one night when you're all randy, and be on top? If he's nervous like I think he is, there's a good chance this will cure him.

Well said.

I have a suggestion, what if you took the reigns one night when you're all randy, and be on top? If he's nervous like I think he is, there's a good chance this will cure him.


- or scare him half to death, either/or, depending on his "issues."

But it IS a good thought!

(I have found that not all men like sexually aggressive women.)

Well another thing that she could do is, the next time they are out to dinner, and he wants to have sex, I would say, "ok, lets go to the car."

After all, she mentioned that he wants to while they are out at dinner.

I have done that before, not crazy aggressively but I'm always the one to take the reigns because at first I thought maybe he's just shy... but when there is absolutely no response I end up giving up and just going to bed, it's like a slap in the face to be honest.

And hell no I'm not doing it in the car!! Lol ;)

Well said.

I have a suggestion, what if you took the reigns one night when you're all randy, and be on top? If he's nervous like I think he is, there's a good chance this will cure him.

And if he's really not ready, this will push him away.

And if you gave this advice to a male about a female, this would be suspiciously close to rape.

Really--how about TALKING about it, instead of playing games?

Oh good grief. Relax. Lol

I'm back to trying to talk to him about it - how about TALKING during dinner and while in the car and then DOING whatever you agree on (or don't agree on) someplace else?

Let me put it this way:

If a guy were told to act this way with YOU, when YOU weren't ready to have sex, how would you feel?

If some guy decided arbitrarily, without talking to you about it, that you were moving too slowly for him and that he was going break it off with you after a month if you weren't more interested in the physical side of things---and DIDN'T TELL YOU--how would you feel?

Break it off with the poor guy already. You obviously can't talk openly and honestly with him about sex, and therefore probably don't have a clue what's really going on in his head.

Your relationship is doomed anyway, if you'd rather play games about it and make decisions about your relationship based on how he is expected to act (without telling him those expectations, by the way) and not discuss it instead.

But I obviously don't make sense to you, because you're thinking with your little head (haha) instead of your big head.

LOL!! Ahh Judy, you're my hero.
Anyway guys THANK You for all of your help, suggestions, comments, inputs, etc etc... yes, it is evident the only thing I can do is talk to him again but like I've said in this thread, I'm going to give it until the end of the month to see if anything happens on it's own, otherwise I shall be rolling out "the talk"

I have done that before, not crazy agressively but I'm always the one to take the reigns because at first I thought maybe he's just shy...but when there is absolutely no response I end up giving up and just going to bed, it's like a slap in the face to be honest.
No response? Hmm, now I really don't know 'cause I thought he was just shy, too.

Exactly why this is driving me nuts! Lol.

Did you read this entire thread? Or do you just pick what you want to see? You're not helping me, so you can leave now and take your little insults with you.

Please review the rules on how to use the disagree button.

Yes, I read the whole thread.

I think you're over-reacting, and pushing your boyfriend into the corner about your expectations of him without even TALKING to him about it.

Waiting a month to see if he meets your expectations then having "the talk" about slowing things down is just playing games. If you're not happy, then talk about it NOW.

And frankly, I'm trying to help. I can't help it that you don't LIKE my advice, but that doesn't make it any less valid.

Fair enough, everyone is entitled to an opinion. Anyhoo, I think I got what I needed here. Thanks everyone :)