I'm a 23 year old male, the oldest of five children. I grew up in a relatively poor household, with my parents they were fairly strict and were very keen optimistic about education as they wanted the best for my future. As a kid I realised I found it difficult to concentrate on education especially when it involved reading and also subjects I have no interest in, which still remains the same today. As a youth, very often, I was deprived from other children in the neighbourhood, as we lived in a 'bad area' and the only time I really socialised was during school. I always had great ambitions, as a youth I wanted to be an professional athlete, It was an area where I excelled, hence why I was selected for the school team. Eventually that dream was crushed by my father. It was used as a punishment, as I never use to complete my school work, he believed their was no future in it, he always said I needed to be a 'doctor' or a 'lawyer'. From secondary school I went to college, it took me 3 years to complete and my average grades were c/d's. I did not enroll to university because I could not bare the mental stress of reading for a further years, and if I failed it would have been a waste of time. I wanted to get into the world and do something with my life.

Since then, I have had many jobs, I find it difficult to stay in a job as I always feel I'm working for peanuts and I'm making the company rich. I find myself constantly drifting off into my imagination, coming up with new business ideas. Some I have tried by myself and some with partners, but has none has been successful. I don't really have any friends or a social life. Naturally I'm a shy person but I make friends quite easily. I have only had a girlfriend once, although ladies do show me attention, I always feel I'm not mentally or financially stable to be in a relationship, so I find a way to shut them out of my life.

I currently live in a flat by myself. I have been unemployed for year now, I have spent most of the last two years in my house. Ever since I have left education I have not achieved nothing. My life seems to be going nowhere fast, and I still cannot come to terms to working for someone. Lately I've been getting suicidal thoughts, I find that I constantly question my existence in life, I do the same thing and see the same thing every day. I seem to be so detached from the world or to even bother to make an effort to do anything. I find myself drawing 'success and motivational plans' which I've postered all around the house, but I do nothing to take action. I now find that I criticise my every action to the point that I sometimes convince myself of not conducting the basic everyday things in the right mannor even down to a normal conversation with people, at time I'm even scared to communicate with people. I now over analyse things, talk to myself, find it difficult to express myself, I make bad decisions the spot, then a few days later I figure out the way it should have been done at the time. I do not know what my next decision is going to be but I just don't want it to be the wrong one. I don't talk to my father anymore, and my mother keeps saying ' I should have gone to University'. In all honesty I'm just so confused, am I going crazy, hope can find some sense in what I've written.

I'm glad you've come to this site and explained so well your difficulties. In fact, you are very good at writing and explaining -- and I have no problems understanding the situation.

Have you ever engaged a counselor or an unbiased person who will help you set goals and stick to business in order to achieve them? Are you in the UK?

Your symptoms are consistent with a mood disorder. However you should always contact 911 or a hospital if you are suicidal. Depression can be experienced as depressed mood, hopelessness (which you describe), lack of interest in things you enjoy, poor appetite, isolating yourself, fatigue/tiredness, poor or too much sleep, irritability, etc.

The way you describe it seems like many of your issues center around lack of interest and also a lack of confidence. Until you work on yourself you will feel selfconscious and different Because you have no direction in life, you may feel that others will feel the same way. You seem to feel that you have nothing to offer. A job doesn't make the person,you still have qualities that women may value such as trustfulness, honesty, kindness etc

As far as the problem with finding yourself professionally, let me tell you the Reader's Digest version of my story. I didn't start school until 30. After getting several degrees, I decided at 41 that I was tired of working for someone. I started my own counseling practice with $1000. Since then I have had to be very creative maintaining it (and that's why I'm here). Only when I was able to mature and think outside the box didI get ahead. You sound like a business person over a 9 to 5 person. Think outside the box. Find something you are good at and market it. Get those plans, and focus on one that works. Do it.

First adequately deal with the depression