Knowing I was not okay with it. We've been married almost 12 years and together a bit longer than that. We have 2 children, and I believe he is a decent person. I am so confused right now as this really isn't like him. I think he may be doing this to get back at me or maybe is using the situation to take advantage/get me to try something I normally wouldn't.

Background: we just got into a fight the other day when he overheard me commenting to our oldest daughter about how he plays videogames all day. He is supposed to be working on his portfolio so he can look for work, and he hasn't been since his online games take up his time. Yes, I'm in the wrong for venting to our daughter, but that issue aside... how the he! Should I feel right now since I know that HE knows how I feel about anal sex. For as long as we've been sleeping together, I have told him how I feel about anal sex.

Call me a prude, but I am not comfortable with it, it's painful to me, and he knows that's the one thing I don't want to do in bed. Yet he's tried it, twice now. And tonight is the 2nd time (the first time being when we were having marital problems a couple of years ago... and he said that even he didn't know why he tried it at the time - admitting it was possibly he did partly because he was angry with me). I think maybe he is wanting to get more adventurous in bed. He doesn't watch much porn, but it seems like he wants to try new things (like a couple of weeks ago when he asked me to swallow). I am very upset right now and feel like I don't know him and can't trust him. It's one thing to try new things together, but I feel violated right now and angry, but was so shocked after it happened that I just didn't even talk about it. Btw, he didn't succeed, but he did try and asked if I would let him. Then when I wouldn't, he turned over and tried to go back to sleep again claiming he just wasn't in the mood.

This goes beyond 'wanting to try new things'. This says a lot about your relationship and the tensions in it.

With the children out of the house and no other distractions, you need to sit down with your husband and have an open and honest discussion about ALL of your concerns, yours and his, and how you can work together to fix what is fixable, compromise where compromise will work, acknowledge personal sexual boundaries/needs/desires, etc. Get everything out on the table and work through it as a couple. If that doesn't work or if you need a mediator to keep the discussion from turning into a blame game or fight, look into marriage counseling.

He may need to think about why he is wanting to try things you are uncomfortable with. Is it looking for new things or a need to control what he feels like he can? Is looking for a job causing him to question his role in the family and his own self-confidence?

On your part, are you helping him stay confident or are you 'nagging'/venting and contributing to his feeling less in control? Without crossing major boundaries of your own, what are you willing to try that might help keep the bedroom from getting stale? Be honest with him and be open to listening. You can't control his thoughts and actions, but you can control your own.

Communicate and compromise.

This goes beyond 'wanting to try new things'. This says a lot about your relationship and the tensions in it.

With the children out of the house and no other distractions, you need to sit down with your husband and have an open and honest discussion about ALL of your concerns, yours and his, and how you can work together to fix what is fixable, compromise where compromise will work, acknowledge personal sexual boundaries/needs/desires, etc. Get everything out on the table and work through it as a couple. If that doesn't work or if you need a mediator to keep the discussion from turning into a blame game or fight, look into marriage counseling.

He may need to think about why he is wanting to try things you are uncomfortable with. Is it looking for new things or a need to control what he feels like he can? Is looking for a job causing him to question his role in the family and his own self-confidence?

On your part, are you helping him stay confident or are you 'nagging'/venting and contributing to his feeling less in control? Without crossing major boundaries of your own, what are you willing to try that might help keep the bedroom from getting stale? Be honest with him and be open to listening. You can't control his thoughts and actions, but you can control your own.

Communicate and compromise.

Thanks so much for your advice. It was very helpful and insightful. That does make a lot of sense & as far as wanting to try new things and wanting control... maybe it is a bit of both. I want to talk to him about this, but it's like pulling teeth. He comes from a family where they don't talk about or discuss anything... problems get shoved under the rug. I was thinking of sending him an e-mail, but don't know if that would be the right way to go about this. I know it would make me feel better as I could get things off my chest that I might not have the guts to say in person, but I'm guessing an e-mail isn't as good as a face to face talk.

Have a talk with him. Apologize for discussing your problem with him with your daughter. Tell him again how you feel about anal sex and tell how his trying this with you knowing your feelings offended you.
Not every woman is in to anal and should not have to do it if she does not want to and knowing how you feel he should not be trying to insist.
Suggest you two a bit of counseling.

You should not do anything in bed you are not completely comfortable with ! Sex is an experiece not a weapon. Not only should you have a say in the type of sex that you have but you should also be in the mental place where you should enjoy. If there are 2 people both should be into the experiene. I am concerned that you would be having different sex when angry. This sounds like guilt.

You should also identify goals that provides for his role as financially contributing to the family. Video games are fine in moderation

You need to have a heart to heart . At the end of it don't do anything you are not comfortable with. There needs to be effort of contributing to the family for all members of the family. Unfortunately, you will have to have a planB if he is not willing to contribute.

Let him know that he doesn't respect you if he pursues anal sex and refuses to get a job. The rest will be up to you

He does some contracting, but it's very inconsistent. He doesn't understand why I made the comment about him playing videogames because he thinks I should be content that he's supporting me/us (I'm currently a SAHM). I still have not talked to him about this yet. I was thinking of sending an e-mail because trying to talk to him while he's throwing his tantrum/giving me the silent treatment/acting like a baby gets me nowhere. You would think a man in his 30s would be grown up by now, but sadly it's not the case. Right now I just don't even want to be here & I'm just so upset at what happened last night. I feel very disrespected and violated. Sorry to generalize, but I honestly thought he was "different than all the other guys". Perhaps I was wrong :(

If that is the way he reacts to a simple conversation about the way you feel, then one or both of you does not know how to have a non-confrontational discussion.

I suggest marriage counseling so that the two of you can COMMUNICATE.

If you have to resort to sending an email, that's not a good thing. And frankly--it's more likely to lead to more misunderstandings. Only 7% of what we understand comes from the written word. The rest comes from body language and tone of voice.

When you talk to him, do you say "you did this and I'm mad!"? Or do you say "I feel hurt because I believed that my trust was violated last night in the bedroom"?

Sometimes the WAY you say it makes all the difference.

Synnen -

It's very sad, but he was raised in a family where problems were pretty much shoved under the proverbial rug. I do make him sit down & listen when we need to talk (like when he was starting to drink a bit too much at family gatherings), but I'm just so weirded out by this. It's very unlikely me to not push a subject when it's bothering me. Right now I'm a bit freaked out & I'm even contemplating whether we'd be better apart. :( Not just because of what he tried or how it made me feel, but it is adding to it. I do try to phrase things so it's more how he made me feel then coming off "you're a terrible person!" Right now he is still pretty much acting like a baby with his silent treatment and after what happened, I don't have the energy or even the desire to try to work this out with him. I feel like he should feel sorry for what he did, and it seems like he doesn't believe he did anything wrong since he stopped once it was clear I didn't want to continue. When I think back to the previous times we've made love, he has asked me to do things (like masturbate, talk dirty to him, or just let him 'see' me) so I'm thinking maybe he wasn't trying anal sex just out of anger... but it still feels completely inappropriate since I've always made it clear that was the one thing I wasn't down for.

This may seem like a very strange idea, would he be willing to go to a marriage class with you? Not counseling, but the classes designed for people who are engaged where they learn tips for communicating with each other.

I think he did this to pizz you off because he was upset about what he overheard, so he retaliated. He knew you would be upset, and he was right. Now make up, and get beyond this.

I think he did this to pizz you off because he was upset about what he overheard, so he retaliated. He knew you would be upset, and he was right. Now make up, and get beyond this.

I agree with this 100%.

While I think talaniman is right, this guy tried to use sex as a tool and I find that very distasteful. His silent treatment and now this would seriously piss me off.
Sex should not be used as a tool to get back at someone, to let then know you are mad.

While I think talaniman is right, this guy tried to use sex as a tool and I find that very distasteful. His silent treatment and now this would seriously piss me off.
Sex should not be used as a tool to get back at someone, to let then know you are mad.

I agree 100%, but you never put daddy down to the kids either. They both handled it badly, so they were both wrong, now kiss and make up. Do better next time. :cool:

I agree and the first thing I told her was she needed to apologize for talking to the daughter about him.
I will let this one go because I'm not liking this guy's attitude.
Let the other experts express themselves on this one.

I think what bothers me most about this, is that he plays kid games all day and doesn't work.

THAT right there would bother me.

OP here. And I did already apologize for venting to my daughter. I acknowledged that it was wrong of me to say it to my teen, but I was not wrong in what I said. It's funny because my husband is now more focused on his projects & has been working on them more every day after what happened. He is still acting like a baby with the silent treatment, and after what he did (trying to either punish me or get away with the anal), I just really have to rethink if he is the person I thought he was. We've been married 12 years now & people change... I admit my mistakes, but he doesn't seem to realize his.

He will come around when he gets over being mad, just like you did.

Just 7% from written word?? What are we, all 7 years old? I can understand that when talking to kids, but adults are just asking to be manipulated if they plan to trust body language and tone.. that is the simplest thing to mislead with.. logic, not so much..

As for the OP, the guy is just horny so make him feel good and get him motivated and maybe just get him to get a regular job since he doesn't seem able to motivate himself much without anger

Actually, that percentage comes from several studies in communications. I don't have the sources handy because I got that number from a seminar a couple of weeks ago, and all of the seminar materials are at work right now.

However--considering the actually breakout applications and the examples given at that seminar, I'm likely to believe it. ALSO considering how many disagreements I've moderated here on AMHD because someone took the written word the wrong way--I'm inclined to believe that number is spot on.

As far as body language and tone being misleading, I disagree. You can tell if someone is shutting you out, angry, happy, excited, whatever emotion you like--by looking at their face and listening to their tone. You cannot tell those things from the written word. If I type, "you're so smart!", you have no idea whether I am being sarcastic, or if I'm happy for you, or in awe of you, or angry with you. You don't know if I'm using the word smart to mean intelligent, or using it to mean mouthy or using it to mean well-dressed.

The written word is FAR more easily misleading than body language and tone, because it's so much harder to get context.

Perhaps since so many people have a terrible handle on vocabulary that they have to resort to inflection and mood swings to communicate. 7% is fine with a 6 grade vocabulary/comprehension I suppose.

I'll not respond too far on your comment, simply because it's pulling the thread off topic.

I will say that the general public (that would be more than 50% of the population) does not have a better than sixth grade vocabulary. They actually teach you to write with a sixth grade vocabulary in business and communications because of that.

I'm bragging, but it's also truth: I have a better vocabulary than 99% of the people I meet. I read 3-5 books a week, on average--both fiction and non-fiction. I seldom come across a word I do not understand, because I either know the word, can break the word into root components, or I can derive the meaning from context.

I also test at the genius level on IQ tests.

And I have misunderstood emails, posts on message boards, and other forms of written communication, simply because I did not know the sender well enough to intuit the tone of the message.

It has nothing to do with intelligence or vocabulary. It has everything to do with the fact that humans communicate primarily with speech, and have adjusted their receptors accordingly.

I agree with Synnen, had to spread the rep. Communication via the written word is not nearly as effective as communicating verbally. It has nothing to do with intelligence. The end.

Now to address the OP.

I have a husband much like yours. When it comes to discussing matters of importance, things he doesn't want to discuss, he tends to shut down, or walk away. It's been a 20 year struggle to work on our communication skills, and thankfully both of us love each other enough to listen.

We've learned to communicate by knowing how we both react. I'm a blamer. If someone does me wrong I don't sugar coat it, and I don't communicate very well when I'm upset. I will stoop to name calling, anger, blame, you name it. I know it, so does my husband. Through trial and error we've both learned that when I'm upset about something it's best to wait until I've calmed down, had some time to think, otherwise I just go for the jugular. It doesn't always work because my anger often gets the better of me, but he knows me well enough to know that when I'm mad I don't mean what I say, and when I calm down we'll have a rational discussion.

He shuts down when we have to discuss serious stuff. Not stuff to do with the kids, or the house, but stuff between the two of us. He doesn't want to hear it, and his eyes literally glaze over and I become the teacher on Charlie Brown, all he hears is "Ma, ma, ma, ma, ma". It's all in how I approach things, how I start a conversation. If I sit him down, tell him I love him, tell him I'm concerned about something that I really need to talk to him about, his need to nurture, to fix it, overrides his need to retreat.

Of course this doesn't always work. We both need to be willing to communicate this way in order for us to actually have a conversation. But, after 15 years of marriage, 20 years together, more often then not we do manage to communicate well.

You have to learn how he communicates, what you can do to make him listen. Since you haven't been able to do it on your own, ask a professional.

Counseling is really a good idea. Don't give up on the marriage yet, even though his actions were very inappropriate and would have earned a knee in the groin if he had tried it on me. But that's the past, you have to look to the future and at least attempt to make this work. So talk to him, tell him that you feel counseling is your only option, that you are having thoughts of leaving because of the situation. Maybe once he realizes that you're really upset about this he'll agree to counseling.

Sorry for the long post. Good luck to you. :)

We've been married 12 years and together a bit longer than that, and it is a struggle trying to get my husband to communicate. I am trying to think of the positives and I'm trying to be patient. It's very hard to stick around when it seems like he's having mood swings every other day. There was physical abuse in my husband's family and verbal abuse in mine, so I do consider myself lucky that he has never laid a hand on me or my daughters or I would be out.of.here for good. Also, his family never liked to deal with problems... they tended to just shove them under the rug and pretend they didn't exist, regardless of the fact that the problem and the bad feelings still remain. My sisters-in-law tell me to be patient with him because of this background, and I understand "nurture" plays a part in it, but at some point you just have to grow up. I deal with temper issues, so when I realize I'm being hot-headed, I try to tell myself I need to calm down. In the same way, he is at a point where he should realize that adults don't do the silent treatment thing because it gets you nowhere. As far as counseling, he believes that therapists don't need to know your business & that they're telling you things that you can figure out on your own... so I doubt he will be convinced to spend money on counseling anytime soon. :(

I'm afraid you last comment reeks of his excuses for not seeing a therapist. Sounds to me more like he is afraid of what he might learn. He wants to remain in cynical, blaming mode rather than face himself. He may not even be aware of this himself.

My advice would be to start that counselling yourself with an open mind and see where it leads. I think you will get something out of it even without him. You may learn some better ways to get him to communicate. He may even be prepared to consider counselling later if he sees you getting something from it. It may help you decide that you really want to move on after all. People spend a fortune fixing their cars and houses yet sometimes balk at spending money fixing themselves, seems screwed up priorities to me...

After 12 years, he STILL thinks you can figure out the communication thing on your own?

And after dealing with abuse his whole life and still having issues relating to it--he thinks he can figure it out on his own?

Sounds like denial and stubbornness, with a healthy dash of "I don't want to and you can't make me!" thrown in.

I'm not usually one for ultimatims, but in this case, I would issue him one: Either he goes with you to marriage/couples counseling, or he can walk out the door. The passive aggressive behaviour and the childish silent treatment is for children, not adults, and you deserve to be married to an adult.

You could buy some anal lube.