I broke up with my boyfriend. He is 47 and I am 41. We were together for 4 years. Over that time we have many many ups and downs - mostly downs. We both had children from previous relationships and there was tension in the relationship about the children. I felt that he never made my children respect me. I guess I feel that he never respected me either even though I am a lawyer and he worked in a factory.

The biggest issue for us has historically been that he is an alcoholic. As soon as he gets paid, he would want to go to the bar to spend his money. He will buy for everyone. He is not happy being at the bar for an hour or two. He has to be there all evening. I get bored after an hour or two. I give in at times to make him happy, but I felt like I was spending too much of my life at the bar and missing out on stuff with my children and other things that I could be doing. I also was getting resentful because I was paying most of the bills because his money was being spent at the bar.

Recently he got involved with cocaine. I barely drink and I have never done drugs. I am adament that I do not want any drugs around my children. He came home from being with his friends and told me that he would be a little late some evenings because of doing coke. I was not happy and I would argue with him but would forgive him and move on because it was once in a while. However, things changed lately and it seems like he wants to do cocaine all of the time now. He has stayed out late (until around 3:00 a.m. ) one out of every three nights for the past two weeks. Last night, after he stayed out without even letting me know he wasn't coming home from work until 4:30 p.m. I threw him out of the house. He could have at least let me a message he was staying out because I pay for his cell phone service.

I spoke to him today about getting his things. He thinks that everything is my fault for yelling at him about staying out and says he does not want to live in a home where he has to worry about being kicked out. He does not even seem to be upset about not being with me anymore. It hurts so much that he does not care about me even though I know that me and my kids are far better off. I have a very good job and am not worried about being able to support myself. I know that he must be an addict and that a relationship with an addict will not work out, but his words about it being my fault for kicking him out are bothering me. The thing is that he has made me several promises to change which never came true. I wish that I did not feel so insecure and like this was my fault. I'm sure that no one has the answer why, but I do not understand why he did not have more feelings toward me. It hurts so much.

Thanks for listening.

How can an intelligent woman stay in such an unhealthy relationship. You really can't possibly think that his addictions are your fault. Run. Don't walk, as far away from him as you can get.

It does hurt when someone chooses an addiction over you.

It is not possible for the addict to love. An addict is numb to emotion.

You are intelligent, so follow through and keep him away from you and your children.

If he wants to come "home", it's most likely because he needs someone to take care of him and his habit. So don't let the guilt trip he's trying to pull get to you.

How is anything "your fault" by your kicking him out? Many would have kicked him out long ago. You tried. You are smart enough to know that letting him stay with you is enabling him--not to mention making your life miserable. "Once in a while" cocaine use would be a deal breaker for most hardworking single moms.

I'm sure you know to stop paying his bills.

I don't understand why you are questioning yourself. He is an alcoholic, using drugs and is around your kids. That alone is enough. He should have been gone.
You said he never made your kids respect you, did you mean his kids? It's not his job to make your kids respect you, but if you are questioning your decision to kick an addict out of the house your kids are living in, then if your kids don't respect you, I could understand that.
You are a grown and obviously intelligent woman. Get a grip. This man should have been gone a long time ago.

I couldn't rep you again, Homegirl, but you're exactly right. It's a poor example to the children (let alone dangerous) to allow this guy to remain in their lives. Hope she sticks to it and keeps him away.

Thank you everyone. I really do not have much family other than my children so your words of encouragement really did help me. I am not totally healed, but I feel much better today and really believe that I am doing what is best for me and my children. BTW I did mean he didn't make his children respect me and not my children.

That is what I thought.
You did the right thing. Don't second guess yourself.

You're on the right track now. Good for you. If you don't have a lot of family around, then get together with your friends or make new ones, even doing different things with your kids, to get your mind off this.

Use the money you used to spend on him on you and the kids. Heal and have fun. And don't second guess yourself is exactly right.