Entire story merged

Bit of a long-winded story, I'm afrad...

I met a wonderful lady in May last year. Her 2nd husband had moved out six months earlier, and she has three kids who stay with their dad(s) every fortnight. For the first six months, everything was really good between us. She 'lit my fire' in a way that no-one else has done. Her kids are great,a and we all got on really well.

Just before Xmas, she started becoming more distant/cool, I confess that, the more distant she was becoming, the more insecure I became. Some time later, she said that she wanted us to go back to just casual dating. I replied that – although it would be fun to just meet up on a date (with no sleepover) occasionally - reverting to just dating would be a step backward for me.

We never really talked about it afterwards.

In the last month or so, she became distant/cool again. She said that was just down to stress (college and children), and she goes into “survival mode” when she has a lot on, and that she has to prioritise things.

Nevertheless, we had a lovely weekend away in York at the end of last month, and got on really well. I left her in peace to do her exams for the next couple of weeks, calling only every two or three days to say “hello” and “how are you”.

To bring this up-to-date, on Friday we had a long phone call, in which she announced that she felt stifled by me, pressured to always be with me on her 'free' weekends, pressured to be 'physical' when she was with me, that I loved her "too intensely", she didn't feel comfortable with me being so involved with her kids, etc.

She again brought up the issue of wanting to 'reel things in'. She likes my company, we get on very well, are compatible in many ways, but she still wants to go back to dating rather than continue in a full-on relationship. We agreed that things are not working out as they are, and if we aren't able to sort it out, it will inevitably end.

We got to the (inevitable) "maybe we time to think out it”. I ended by saying "well, you know where I am."

This is my question: should I leave her to make contact, or wait a few days and call her – or perhaps just drop her a friendly text? Normally I'd say leave it up to her, but she's a stubborn person, who admits that she tends to just cut loose and move on if something isn't working. Plus, she never said she wanted time/space.

It's awful to contemplate, but realistically it's unlikely to work out. Anyone having that level of doubt is unlikely to change their mind. Looking back with clarity, I reckon that she wasn't actually ready for a 'deep' relationship. She only wanted/needed something less intense, and feels that she has compromised herself in this aspect. Unfortunate for both of us that I fell for her so intensely (and expressed it too readily). And it hasn't helped that I became slightly insecure and jealous when I thought she was drawing away from me. She sees me as just another emotional drain, rather than a source of love and support. We should also have talked more openly and honestly about how things were going sooner, as it's obvious that things have been troubling her for a while.

She probably appreciated the attention during her time of need but as she healed from her ex husband she has gotten stronger and is ready to deal with her reality.

For your part, take it as helping and emotionally injured person to heal, and move on, and leave her alone. Sorry guy, this rebound relationship is over for now and you should bow out of her life, GRACEFULLY, and without further drama!

Hi Talaniman. Yeah, I think you're right.

It may not be just about getting over her ex, as this year at college has also helped her gain strength and self confidence as an independent person. She's a different person now to the one I met last May.

She also said that both her husbands were dominating, patriachial men. Maybe she needed to try something different, but has since come to realise that the 'right one' is not me.

Believe me I know the feeling from many past experiences of not being the one. It sucks for a while, but the next pretty thing will make you forget your disappointment. That's how it worked for me at least.

You may as well enjoy your new found freedom, and wish her the same.

Well, things just got worse. I got a Facebook message from one of her kids this evening, asking if I wanted back X, Y and Z that I'd left at their house.

Still no word from my (now ex) g/f, so although we left it "let's take time and talk about it" at the end of our last call, she's obviously made her decision and told her children... but not me.

No worries, either go get what you left or let them keep it. No sweat. This is just confirming what you already knew.

It's funny how time makes things clearer.

Having had a few days to reflect, I realise that this had become a give-give relationship anyway (the only taking being as in "me, for granted"). Even her proposal for 'making it work out between us' involved putting her own Ts & Cs on the table and saying "can you accept this?". No indication that she would make concessions.

I may have brought this disrespect down on myself, but either way it's better to move on.

She called yesterday, and we chatted about normal stuff for about an hour. Nothing about "us". I'm certainly not going to bring it up.

Thanks for all the advice on here!

You sound pretty level headed and I think you have a good handle on what transpired. She said to you that her "husbands" were dominating? I have my doubts. It sounds to me like she was the dominating one who may have driven both of them away. Better you keep on truckin!

Arrrghhh! Yesterday was a good day, today I feel wretched again.

I know that NC is probably the best route for me, but it feels like a bit of a coward's way of dealing with the situation, as we've left it up in the air (unfinished business).

However, although a part of me clings onto the hope that this can be turned around, I think that:
- too much damage has been done
- her mind/heart is already made up
- leopards can't change their spots

Perhaps I ought to steel myself and make a (final) phone call. After all, everything thus far has come from her: I've not said anything about what I want or have concerns about.

Plus, if the 'coup de grace' does need to be made, I'd rather be the one to adminster it. I know that probably sounds pathetic, but I'd like to regain some dignity out of this mess.

There is no coup de grace!! Don't let your feelings, that will pass if you let them, lead you to impulsive actions, that serve no one, especially YOU!

Stay with NC, and cope better with the feelings, and follow your first mind,


I know that NC is probably the best route for me,
You got that right.


but it feels like a bit of a coward's way of dealing with the situation, as we've left it up in the air (unfinished business).
Then go back and beg to be taken back or cuss and jump around like an idiot. Neither will accomplish her changing her mind and you will not only look foolish, but confirm what she already knows. She doesn't want you.

The business is finished. You just don't accept you were a rebound, a quick fix for a hurt, and lonely female, who just wanted a friend. Who just needed a friend. Maybe someday you can understand that.

Have you no pride or how many times does one have to tell you they don't want you before you GET IT.

Then go back and beg to be taken back or cuss and jump around like an idiot. Neither will accomplish her changing her mind and you will not only look foolish, but confirm what she already knows. She doesn't want you.

I never said that I would get emotional about it. If I do call, it would be to cooly ask, "were you serious about making a go of it, coz otherwise let's just call it quits and move on."


The business is finished. You just don't accept you were a rebound, a quick fix for a hurt, and lonely female, who just wanted a friend. Who just needed a friend. Maybe someday you can understand that.

And that's one reason I don't want to call. If we end up chatting about 'normal stuff' again, it would help her (less guilt if she thinks I'm okay with things) but not me.


Have you no pride or how many times does one have to tell you they don't want you before you GET IT.

She has actually said the opposite - and is a very direct person. However, actions do indeed speak louder than words.

Stick with no contact, and stop the whole mind game debate.

Yeah, deep in my gut I know you're right.

I just don't want to go NC without knowing for sure. After all, in the No Contact rules, it does say: "No contact does not consist of trying to win your ex back. If you want to get your ex back, then try to work things out together."

The way I see it, NC is part of letting go and moving on. But I want to go NC without any doubt that it was the right - and only - way forward.

KNOCK KNOCK ! Anyone home?

• She still wants to go back to dating rather than continue in a full-on relationship
• She feels stifled by you,
• She feels pressured to always be with you on her 'free' weekends,
• She feels pressured to be 'physical' when she is with you,
• She thinks you love her "too intensely",
• She doesn’t feel comfortable with you being so involved with her kids, etc.

Stay with NC for 6 months, and then see where your head is at, without all the emotional BS, you can't seem to control. But you do have the option of following your heart, and try whatever you think is best. That's fine, keep us updated, and I wish you the best whatever you decide.

Thanks, I appreciate your support. Things are always clearer for those on the outside looking in. On the inside it's a total mess!

This reaction to losing her has shocked me to tell the truth. I'm no spring chicken, and this certainly wasn't my first serious relationship, but I've never been this devastated by a breakup before.

I don't expect to fully get over it, and accept that I may never find another 'one' like her, but I know that in time I'll be able to deal with it and move on. And I'm sure that the voice inside me whispering "she didn't really deserve you" will also get louder with time...

• She still wants to go back to dating rather than continue in a full-on relationship,
• She feels stifled by you,
• She feels pressured to always be with you on her 'free' weekends,
• She feels pressured to be 'physical' when she is with you,
• She thinks you love her "too intensely",
• She doesn’t feel comfortable with you being so involved with her kids, etc.


I think I ought to copy that list and carry it around in my wallet...

I missed a call from her this morning (phone was on silent). It was at 7:45, when she's usually dashing about getting the kids ready for school, so I doubt whether it was anything significant. Glad I missed it, otherwise I would have been tempted to answer it.

Well there is not much here I can say.. that the others already have not..

I know its hard to deal with this. No contact is the way to go

This is your time to heal!
Not hers
You and her both want very different things,

You should have probable cut it off the second she said she wanted to take a step back and go to date mode again..
I mean.. come on dude :)
That's never a good sign is it?

So In Her mind it was over a long time before this happened
She has had more time to get ready.

Where as you my friend was probable thinking everything will turn out OK and will move forward.

Best of luck with No contact!
Its tough
But its so rewarding! In the long run :P

Regards

Evening all.

My g/f abruptly texted this first thing this morning to say "Hello. I think that you will have worked out that we need to talk. Apologies for causing any distress x". I called back, and sent a text along the lines of "No I hadn't worked that out, and sending that text at 9am wasn't very considerate." (as we can't exactly have a "talk" at work/University)

Although totally unexpected for me, it's obviously something she's been stewing on for a while. Things have been okay between us recently, and I last saw her on Saturday eve, when we parted on (seemingly) good terms. She sent a friendly text on Sunday morning, then nada for a couple of days, which is unusual, but not something to fret over.

Here's my dilemma: 99% of the time those four words actually mean, "I've made up my mind to dump you, but - to rub salt in the wound - I want to tell you all the things that have been bothering me (even though I'm not interested in fixing them)."

So, do I:

wait for her to call?
send another text to say that I'm confused and would like this sorted ASAP?
just go NC immediately, and ignore her calls/texts


I've decided NOT to call her, as the ball is 100% in her court. She knows where I am...

See what she has to say.

If its over there's not much you can do about it,move on and go NC,if she wants to talk about how you both can fix things,then do that.

Until you have all the information,wait, then, you take action.

I'm going to guess that she will call you soon enough to talk.

You really need to talk to her. It may seem like bad news coming your way, but maybe there's something else going on.

Before your drive yourself crazy with this, talk it out with her.

Well, I wasn't able to talk to her this evening as I had previous plans, but I checked my phone on getting home and she hadn't called. That doesn't bode well. I know her pretty well: she normally just comes straight out and says when something is bothering her, so this must be prettty heavy.

Maybe sleeping on it will help both of us. I really don't want to give in and call her, but neither do I want to drive myself crazy. Am tempted to text saying "Call me if you still want to talk, otherwise let's call it quits"...

You're speculating that she's going to break up with you again. Try to be patient and wait to find out why she needs to talk to you.

IF she does call to break up with you, then you can deal with it then... but until you know for sure don't just break up with her so you can beat her to the punch.

Well, I did text her this morning to say, "Call me if you still want to talk. If this is something we can work out, then let's try. If not, then let's just call it quits. It's unhealthy to keep things hanging."

Precipitous perhaps, and not the best course of action if she's already feeling under pressure. But for her to drop the bombshell "we need to to talk" and then going silent for a whole day (no reply to my voicemail yesterday asking what's up) is not a nice thing to do. It's incredibly hurtful - and disrespectful of my feelings. Am I wrong in feeling wronged?

Final update. Got a reply from her. Not exactly unprediected, and not exactly original content:

"I need a break to concentrate on X, Y and Z", "I don't feel that you will be supportive of seeing less of me", "Best to end it now.", "I don't want to lose you as a friend, but it's your call", "I can't offer any more at the moment"

Basically, this is no longer worth her putting the effort in. And I guess being dumped by text reveals how much she really cared. Thus endeth the story...

Disappear from her life, bother her no more, and don't let her bother you either.

Time to do your thing, and not be dragged into a confusing miserable argument. Bowing out gracefully will save your dignity and self respect immensely as you get over being dumped by text, who cares about X,Y,Z... worry about just U!!

Talaniman Rule-When they ask for a break, give it to them and do your own thing.

Talaniman Rule- When they need space, give it to them, and disappear from their lives. This allows you to heal.

Talaniman Rule- Never allow an ex to make rules for what you do.

Talaniman Rule- While they are dumping you, never say you can't be friends. Agree to whatever they want, then disappear from their life.

Talaniman Rule - Don't miss other opportunities and options because your stuck on someone who is not as stuck on you, that's just plain crazy.

Talaniman Rule - Don't miss other opportunities and options because your stuck on someone who is not as stuck on you, that's just plain crazy.

Talaniman Rule - If they can't treat you like you want to be treated, don't mess around with them.

Obey the rules and you will find the appropriate actions.

This is very hard though. I have no intention of breaking NC (although it has only been a day!), and am trying to focus on the fact that (a) her tactic for this breakup was awful, speaks volumes about her, and vindicates any doubts I was having about her genuineness, and (b) that there is NO HOPE of a reconciliation.

But... I'm also confused. We had an okay weekend, although an unusual one, with me looking after her kids whilst she went to the Uni open day on Saturday morning (we didn't get any time just for the two of us later, and I decided to take my son back to my place in the evening, as he was very tired and needed a rest). She was a bit "off", but I put that down to pre-Uni nerves, and didn't take it personally. We had a proper kiss goodbye when I left. Then, although she sent a nice text in the morning, by Sunday evening she was distant and hostile when I called whilst driving home from dropping my kid at his mum's. She made no contact on Monday, then dropped the "we need to talk" bomshell on Tuesday.

I know that over-analysing the situation does no good, but this is tearing me apart...

I know your trying to figure out the why's etc etc but at the end of the day it doesn't really matter.

All that matters is that she wants to end it. She is rightfully making the decision that best suits her. You have to respect that.

You got your closure... She wants out. That's it... closure done.

The rest that you want to hear will only stick the knife in. Why do that to yourself?

You did the babysittin on Sat (convenient for her) and now she doesn't want a bar of you. Why would you care what excuses she has?

I wish I could be as sanguine as you, kaka (and others). Like so may other dumpees, it's bewildering as well as painful for her to have been affectionate one day and done this the next. She even advised at the weekend that I should explain to my 5-year old son that she and I are more than just friends, and are "together". ***?

I'm trying to focus on the fact that she's happily washed her hands of me and moved on - not necessarily to a new guy, but keeping her options open. And doing it by text meant that she didn't have to face any emotional consequences of the split. It's as if the entire relationship was a lie...

But I also have to accept that I undoubtedly brought much of this down on myself. I'm even starting to doubt whether I ought to have sent that text, "if we can work it out let's try. otherwise let's call it quits. it's not healthy to keep things hanging", as she may have felt pressured by the ultimatum. But that *was* 24 hours after receiving her abrupt "we need to talk" text (with no follow-up), and surely I've a right to take charge of my life..

Hello again.

A couple of weeks ago, I posted a question about an impending breakup:


https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/appropriate-action-upon-hearing-dreaded-words-we-talk-511733-2.html

Since then, we've had a couple more texts/calls (see below), but it's pretty clearly dead now. I want to move on, but can't get past blaming myself for this.

*** UPDATE since my previous thread ****

Exactly a week after her "I want a break" message, I texted her to say that she never made it clear whether she wanted a permanent or temporary break, but I assume temporary as I didn't believe she would just end it by text, and that - if it was space she needed - she had my full support.

She replied not long after to say that she agreed that "we do need to thrash out some issues", and suggested meeting for a coffee on Friday morning when she had some free time. I was a bit annoyed that she wouldn't MAKE time for this, but just approached it like catching up with a casual acquaintance, and didn't reply until the next day, saying that I couldn't make Friday (which was genuinely true) and that perhaps we ought to take a bit more time before meeting up.

Her reply that evening was quite vile, and ended with, "let's not text each other any more. It's not a form of communication" (crazy coming from the person who dumped me by... text!). I called her about an hour later, and she was amicable enough, but she showed no signs of wanting this to continue. In fact, seemed resigned to the fact. Sadly, I wasn't in the right state of mind, and she controlled the call. She asked me not to involve her daughters on Facebook (so I deleted tham as friends, which I regret now) One thing she did say was that it was sh*t for her too, having to be celibate. Nice!

Anyway, we ended with "goodbye". But then the next morning I panicked and rang back to say "I don't want this to be permanent". Bad idea, I know...

*****


Amid all the negative feelings of loss/grief/betrayal (at the way she did this), I'm also blaming myself a lot for this.

I also keep replaying the events of the last two weeks to see how I could handled it better - and avoided this outcome. Perhaps if I'd taken the initiative and called her the day she sent that first "need to talk" message... or even after the follow-up "I need a break" one... Perhaps if I'd not waited so long to reply to her various texts... Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps...

Is that just me, or is it normal?

Well if she is not responding to you, then leave it alone. Things have deteriorated in this relationship, and now you feel like you're the one sitting by the phone waiting so to speak. Just give her all the space she needs, and eventually she will probably make it permanent break. So don't wait for that to happen, start going out without her, and maybe you'll meet someone else. Remember, whether you sit home every night hoping she will call or you're out having a good time, she's still not with you, so why wait around.

Going through any breakup is rough. You need to understand that no matter what you do you cannot control this situation. When you put the "NO Contact" rules into place, you either stick with them or you don't. This is also a situation that you cannot control by saying you will only apply some of those rules and not the rest.
Most of us on this site have experienced that same emotional turmoil that your going through. Its hard and you feel like your never recover from this, but we are here to also say "you will". It takes time. Stop trying to have contact with her or any one associated with her period. Its time for you to get out with YOUR friends, family. Meet some new people, do ANYTHING new that you haven't done before. Maybe go back to school,hobbie, join a local bowling ball or volley ball league, something but sitting around feeling sorry for yourself. Good luck

Hi beachlover. Thanks for the reply. It's not that I'm expecting her to call -or even waiting around for her to come back/change her mind. I do accept (well, nearly) that it's over.

I just cannot stop going back over the last two+ weeks and asking myself whether anything I could have done would have made a difference. The reason I didn't call her back immediately, or even a few days later, was to (a) give her space - maybe she would calm down and call me, and (b) not to drawn into mind games, if she was just testing me. Now I keep wondering if it was completely the wrong approach...

I just want to say something about this "no contact" thing. It is absolutely the best way to get over someone that you are in love with. The problem that I have with it is when you are in love with someone, it could take quite a while before you are convinced that you have no chance. Until then having no contact is next to impossible. You either contact her or she contacts you. 50 years ago it was a lot easier. Phone calls were your only option, and it was easy to hang up on someone. Now you can email or text, and you can let your imagination run away with you. You send one of those online romantic cards, and you picture her reading it at night and crying her eyes out. She could be actually varminting, but you wouldn't know that. So my advice to everyone on this planet that has been dumped by someone you were in a serious relationship with, make sure that it really is over before you decide to have "no contact". And to help yourself along, don't wait to start dating. I'm not saying jump into another serious relationship {rebound} that rarely works, but date someone. Look at it this way, if you got up one day and your car was stolen or destroyed, ywithin a week you would be driving a different one. You may not love it as much as the last one, but you'll still be taken for a ride.

John---your post is really great advice---thanks!!

Donraben - believe me, it is normal in the face of a difficult breakup to beat yourself up over how the breakup was handled, etc. I think a healthy dose of remorse can be exceedingly helpful for you because guilt can help us to change. But guilt that is unchecked or guilt that becomes an opportunity to wallow in self-pity is not helpful at all. The trick is in trying to understand the difference.

If you care for feedback as to the way you described your handling of the breakup, I'd say the fact that you pushed back on the Friday coffee thing was probably not a good idea. Considering how you really felt about trying to work things, your actions seemed to betray your real feelings... you probably reacted that way out of fear and pride but that is understandable.

On the other hand, if your girlfriend was really interested in trying to work things out, she may have suggested an alternative meeting date; given her response, she was probably ready to move on and just needed a reason. Of course, I'm only surmising that given the facts as you have presented them.

Learn from the experience and take a good inventory of your actions and try to take something away from it... breakups are hard and it will take time to heal.

Thank you. Believe me, I am the king of analyzing everything I did and what could I have done differently. Some women{and men} will break up with you and tell you that you were too needy, too smothering, too good, too bad, etc, etc. Other women/men will tell you they want to marry uou because you need them, you protect them, your soooo good, you can be so exciting cause you're a "bad boy", etc etc. So I came to the conclusion that you don't beat yourself up, you don't drive yourself crazy trying to think of all the things you could have done differently, none of that.. What you do is realize that your feelings were stronger than hers, and if it didn't end now, it would have ended later because if a person looks hard enough, they will find that hole in the donut.

Your threads need to be merged.

I just read the other two threads and have to say that you need to stay away from her not because of her actions as much as your own insecurities.

She sent you a text about needing to talk and you don't respond for 24 hours but accuse her of 'going silent'. Then you send her a text giving her an ultimatum and then wonder why she turned around and 'broke up' with you.

She agrees to meet you to talk and 'suggests' Friday. You get ticked off because she didn't rearrange the week to make it sooner so you once again put off contacting her until the next day. Instead of telling her Friday was out and trying for another time, you tell her that maybe you should 'put off' the talk for awhile. She finally makes a wise decision and says that texting isn't working and you get upset about that.

I don't think even a face-to-face discussion would help communications between the two of you. I don't know if you had handled it differently if there would have been a different outcome. However, I do know that you need to stop reading between lines and putting words in her (or any other woman you date) mouth.

This is for future reference: If you don't understand what the other person is saying, ask for clarification. Don't jump to conclusions or decide you know her/him so well that you can predict her/his every move. Communication goes both ways and you have to be open to receiving as well as giving. Telling (or implying) someone that you know what he/she is going to say before the person says anything shuts him/her down and he/she ends up feeling like you aren't actually listening when he/she does talk.

Leave her alone and keep total No Contact with her and her daughters. It will be better in the long run for all involved.

Cat, there may be some truth in what you say. On the other hand, I did call immediately after she sent that first "need to talk" text and left a voicemail saying to call me. Part of the reason I acted against my better judgement (i.e. not chasing this up) is that this is the third time she'd done an unexpected "this relationship isn't working" announcement (first time in Feb, then again in June).

Now I feel even worse...

Cat, there may be some truth in what you say. On the other hand, I did call immediately after she sent that first "need to talk" text and left a voicemail saying to call me. Part of the reason I acted against my better judgement (i.e. not chasing this up) is that this is the third time she'd done an unexpected "this relationship isn't working" announcement (first time in Feb, then again in June).

Now I feel even worse...

And as long as you are clinging onto this dead and gone relationship , you will keep feeling worse.

There isn't "some truth" in what cat said. It is you only wanting to recognize some part of what was actually defining your relationship.

I understand how hard it is to give up when you're in love.

But she OBVIOUSLY is not and is gone.

Save some dignity and self respect and move on.
NO Contact! As hard as it will be, will not get easier .

I'm sorry but there is no hope left here.
Face it now or continue to suffer needlessly .
It is over.

You know dornraben, if I was drowning in the ocean and struggling to stay afloat hoping to get rescued, but things looked really bleak because no boat was anywhere to be seen, I still wouldn't give up. But guess what, I'm still going to drown, it's just going to take longer. So if you want to hang on to the slim hope that she will come around, then do it. Being that you're in the middle of the ocean, no one, I mean nobody at all, will see you lose your dignity or self respect, so do whatever you want

Thanks for the replies everyone, The honest analysis is appreciated. I know full well that I've developed insecurities in this relationship, for a variety of reasons*. But she had them too - and could be equally as quick to "jump to conclusions".

(*I realise that I knew (subconsiously) that she wasn't as "in to it" as me for several months, but tried to overcompensate by stepping up the affection.)

I'm not sure why everyone keeps assuming that I'm still hoping for a reconcialtion though, or that I have some idea it will work out again. It''s not the case at all. This "beating mysself up" is just part of what I'm going through as part of understanding WHY and HOW it happened. I recognise that she did what she had to - and told her this on the phone last week - and that things had become so unhealthy between us that ending it was the only option.