Hi. I'm over 40 and currently separated from my second husband. He has been married twice before me and now he wants to divorce me. We have one child between us and two older children living with us from my previous marriage. He has been very verbally abusive by constantly accusing me of tempting men just fromm glancing at them, constantly ridiculing the way I dress, has left our family for days at times, doesn't let me even talk and devalues my opinions, doesn't give me money for our children or my needs, and doesn't allow me to be a part of major family decisions (automobile purchases, relocations, etc.) We have been in physical fights as well.

The trouble is that I, too, have my issues. I've smoked weed from time to time to numb the pain. Not justifying, just explaining. I've still maintained my family pretty much on my own because he works for days at a time, then would leave the house almost immediately to tend to other things. We moved closer to his job where I had no support to help me with the children, but he criticized me for having my two older teenagers help watch our 3, now 4-year old.

I know he's had an abusive childhood, and so have I:(. He's been a good and loving man despite his faults, as I have been good to him and our family. We are currently going through counseling separately, but I don't know if I should just move on or hold on.

If both have faults, but one is running and the other has faith and love past the faults... what do you do?:confused:

What has the counseling been showing, Counseling does not mean you will work thing out, it merely means you will come to an answer

Unless he's willing to go to counseling for a long time and is devoted to improving himself, he'll never get any better. Abusers rarely change... generally they pretend to change for a short period, but it won't last. Usually when the abuse starts up again, it will get even worse.

Do you really want your children to grow up thinging that abuse is okay?

You need to work on yourself and improving your self-confidence without him. Once you start thinking good things about yourself you'll probably find that you don't want him and his abusive conduct in your life at all.

You deserve a man that treats you with love and respect and I'm afraid he'll never be able to fill the bill.

You are his third wife, and I suspect that the prior failures were due to his behavior, as you have described it to be, with you. If you take the total of who he is, and that he has likely not changed much over three wives, it is likley he will move on to the next wife, and end up once again, with the same results.

Counselling, while effective, may not change a lifetime of repeat mistakes. Perhaps he can only accept that he has helped directly cause the demise of his third marriage.

Counselling for you, individually is the best thing you can do for yourself. I really encourage you to continue, and learn to regain your independence, self worth, and confidence.

The physical violence between the two of you, should be the last straw. When a marriage degrades to such an extent that physical violence results, it really is rock bottom.

Love, giving love or receiving love, is not what you have described in my opinion. A loving relationship does not degrade, minimize, overlook, and render a partner unworthy of even the most basic human kindness and dignity. Love is not paying lip service to your partner, and then doing what you want anyway. It is not, or shouldn't be putting you on the same level of importance as the family dog. Basic needs are covered, but there is no quality in the relationship. You needs are not being met, while he makes sure his are. Selfishness is not a great characteristic in a relationship.

Sometimes time and space on your own, will give you more clarity and vision. An understanding of where you are (counselling will help with this), to where you need to be, is a journey in itself. Success with your husband's journey, may not necessarily result in him changing himself enough, that he will be a worthy partner.

I hope that despite the state of the marriage is in, that you realize that moving on is not the end of the world. In fact, for your own sake, and that of your children, it may be the best thing you've ever done.

It's hard to say what someone else should do with their marriage. For me there are three deal breaker issues here - your drug use, mutual violence and his controlling actions (particularly not permitting you to speak). I would be gone.

It would depend on how forgiving you both are and whether you are either willing to live with the chaos or change it.

It sounds like a pretty repressive situation for you though. Unless he wants to become more enlightened, or you for some reason like this kind of dynamic of a "man of the house" who calls all the shots, I think you'll need to call it quits.