It's been a while since I've posted here since my last break-up. I have posted my story here before and have learned so much about myself, but, I'm posting here again to get some words of assurance that what I am feeling is okay and things will get better.

To give you some background on my past and current situation:

My fiancé of 2.5 years broke off the engagement last year after he went overseas(back home) to get a high-end paying job. He recently got married. The hard part was accepting the fact that he married one of my best friends- a friend who actually introduced us in the first place. Sounds twisted, right? I guess it shows that she really wasn't my best friend.

The sad thing is when this happened I was in the States (I still am), away from family and friends, pursuing my Ph.D. on my own. When all this happened, I was devastated and lost all trust in people. I did confide in people and friends here, but there is only so much that people can do and the rest was really up to me. I missed home and I still do-.-

After this incident, several months later, I met someone else. I was careful not to jump into this relationship since I was a bit guarded by the past betrayal. Eventually, we did become exclusive; yet he ended the relationship due to his busy schedule and his inability to maintain a relationship (I learned some people just lack the capacity to work at a relationship). He came back and unfortunately I made the mistake and took him back. But, my head was telling me this was not working for me and the relationship was draining all my energey,so for my own sanity-I finally ended it.

Since the break up 3 weeks ago, I have been doing NC. There have been many ups and downs and I have even guarded myself even more.
I learned recently that his research was going extremely well and he could probably graduate earlier than expected. I'm sure this break-up is the last thing on his mind with his work going so well (Am I jealous? Okay... I admit... a lot)

I also admit... the anger towards myself for allowing this to happen was even greater- to the degree that I would stop short of what I was doing in the middle of class and just go completely numb.

I catered to his needs and listened to his whining with the stress of his own research while I sacrificed a lot of my own academic work/time to help him. I made that choice and I can only blame myself for allowing this to happen.
(It was an elephant in the room that I had to admit to, and it was extremely hard to accept my own responsibility).

Huh- another obstacle to overcome.

But I collapsed yesterday because I realized I was so angry at myself because
1. It took a lot of effort on my part to forgive and let my guard down after the bad engagement and feel betrayed again.
2. I allowed myself to sacrifice my time for someone else.
3. Angry for being angry at myself.
4. Behind on my own research and losing motivation.

I know time will help,
But I do need some reassurance. I haven't gotten any for a very long time since catering to everyone else's need. And I'm not really used to venting or showing my emotions, but I'm willing to try this with some help.

Anyone words of wisdom or words that will make me feel better?

Thank you all.

You sound like a really hard-working caring person who, like most hard-working caring people, learn things the hard way! :)

You just have to look at these as temporary road blocks that you have overcome. Think of it this way, both of these guys are now in your past, its time to keep working on yourself and your goals and the right guy who will appreciate you and devote an equal amount of time will be there.

Chalk it off to lessons for future relationships, gaining your intelligence and expectations.

Thank you. It does remind me to be more forgiving of myself, but it is hard.

It's so easy to forgive others but so hard to forgive myself.

Jealousy hurts too.

Why is it that people like me learn things the hard way? Sometimes I envy those who can pick up, and move on.It's like they have an automatic self-preservation system installed in their heads (My ex is like that). And to me... it looks and appears cold.

I'm wondering if some people are more prone to being that way.

I envy you working on a Ph.D. What's the title? Dig into that and forget about men for a while. I'm excited about your being in grad school! What will this degree entitle you to?

I'm majoring in language and literacy, collecting data but waiting for approval from the faculty to use this to expand the research I plan to do. I'm focusing on speech events by foreign students in the academia. Lots of recording and data analysis.

(Note that the ex is part of the research experiment and data so I'm trying extremely hard to set aside my personal issues to get this data analysis down on paper... whew(wiping some sweats off my forehead)... this data analysis is kind of like digging into the past- another small dilemma which I've learned not to mix work with personal life)

If everything does work out as planned, hopefully I can teach as an assistant prof at some small univ. But this will be another few years, depending on how well this funded research goes.

Thanks for asking. A good reminder to refocus...

What data are you collecting? What are you trying to prove?

Thank you. It does remind me to be more forgiving of myself, but it is hard.

It's so easy to forgive others but so hard to forgive myself.

Jealousy hurts too.

Why is it that ppl like me learn things the hard way? Sometimes I envy those who can pick up, and move on.It's like they have an automatic self-preservation system installed in their heads (My ex is like that). And to me....it looks and appears cold.

I'm wondering if some people are more prone to being that way.

I wonder the same thing for myself all the time. I think it might have to do with how we perceive and analyze our surroundings.

I'm recording speech events of foreign students struggling to speak in English as a second language. How their speech entails issue of language competence in particular situations and multiple identity constructions they build to keep face and survive in an a foreign cultural environment are pretty much what I am looking at as of now.

Kind of complicated, huh?( Especially when I have to hear his recordings over and over again.)

Uh hum... anyway... so...

Lots of issues at play here that I'm trying to delve into for this project.
'Just need to narrow the focus unless I want to write an entire book for this small project!^^

Basically I'm trying to show that there is more going on in this speech act in these graduate foreign students. It's not all about language. There are a few students who actually manipulate their identity for another identity just to survive in this new cultural setting.

Still working to see what else I'm finding in these recordings.

That sounds like a very cool research project! (I'm a former teacher and librarian.)

Are you getting into anything about why foreign English-learners pronounce certain letters a certain way? For instance, one of my coworkers is from New Delhi. She could not stop pronouncing "v" as a "w." Volunteer came out as wolunteer.

Hi jan. I think women just tend to get so absorbed in their men's lives that they put aside their own. And when things fall apart, they you have nothing to come back to, all the while men are being propelled in their lives with all your caring and nurturing you'd invested in them.

You'll have this maddening monologue in your head going for awhile - I actually smiled that you feel angry at yourself for being angry - all they why's, why's why's, why did he do this or that, and how did you let it happen, and all this very tiring and totally useless analyzing and overanalyzing. But with time it all will quiet down.

You have a great goal to concentrate on. Pour all your energy and determination and motivation into your project. Make sure it's stellar. Just like you felt envious of your ex's success, he'll be envious for yours:)

Good luck.

Interesting. I've read that a lot of students whose first language is not English have this built in linguistic structure of their own native language to "learn" their second language.

So, it becomes harder for them to fully develop a linguistic competence in their second language-especially when they reach a certain age. They say it is because the "rules" of their mother tongue has become so deeply ingrained that it becomes harder for them to fully adapt to their second language (and depending on the language too)

I see a lot of that in my foreign students. Some studder when they speak in English because they are working their brains out trying to use some of the rules from their mother tongue to decipher their second language.

I'm sure this person isn't that aware that he/she is trying to hard to make her "v" sound like "w" on a daily basis.

Hi jan. I think women just tend to get so absorbed in their men's lives that they put aside their own. And when things fall apart, they you have nothing to come back to, all the while men are being propelled in their lives with all your caring and nurturing you'd invested in them.

You'll have this maddening monologue in your head going for awhile - I actually smiled that you feel angry at yourself for being angry - all they why's, why's why's, why did he do this or that, and how did you let it happen, and all this very tiring and totally useless analyzing and overanalyzing. But with time it all will quiet down.

You have a great goal to concentrate on. Pour all your energy and determination and motivation into your project. Make sure it's stellar. Just like you felt envious of your ex's success, he'll be envious for yours:)

Good luck.

Thanks. Another good reminder how much I've lost interest in my own goals. Yes... I will make that project stellar!

I've also noticed that I was drained with so much counseling from whining undergrads as I was working as a teaching assistant that it was adding to the stress. I'm kind of tired of playing the nice assistant to these students (sorry to sound selfish).I need a break :rolleyes:

I'm thinking of trying therapy since it's free on campus.
Maybe I'll post some feedback I get from the therapy sessions every now and then. Maybe this will help others vicariously and help me look forward to something (besides work) this semester.

Yes, be sure to post here periodically to let us know how your project is going as well as any counseling you get. (I'm a counselor too.)

I suspect that's why it's good to learn a second or third language when one is very young, and not wait until high school or adulthood. As a child, one doesn't need to fit another language into how he speaks his native language. My grandparents spoke German, so as a little kid, I was able to pick up words and phrases easily with the proper pronunciation (which is foreign to English).

I will hope to read more about your research and conclusions.

Today, I attended a 3 hour long class on M. Bakhtin. I don't remember half of what the class was about.. . My attention span lasted 10 minutes.

Tried hard to focus on something productiv, but felt pretty blah~.

Started to get angry inside again, heart beating and asked if we could turn down the temperature since I was getting pretty hot.

Everyone staring at me (embarrasing moment and finding myself cringing). I added a few comments here and there since I felt so bad for not giving any input into the class discussion (and trying to fake it that I was still sane).

Now- in my office trying to get some work done for tomorrow. Project on hold for now since mid-term week.

Also, forgot to set-up appt with therapy today. Not good... slacking off.

Maybe a little Oprah tonight will help? She does seem inspiring. I wonder what she'll say to me... (wake up! )

I looked up M. Bakhtin in Wikipedia and fell asleep when reading the third paragraph. Well, if he shows up in a crossword puzzle this week, it will have been worth it to learn a bit about him.

The new comedy "Mike and Molly" is good. Oprah might be good for inspiration. Or you could stick around on this site and answer some questions.

Do you have any deep feelings about Noam Chomsky?

I looked up M. Bakhtin in Wikipedia and fell asleep when reading the third paragraph. Well, if he shows up in a crossword puzzle this week, it will have been worth it to learn a bit about him.

The new comedy "Mike and Molly" is good. Oprah might be good for inspiration. Or you could stick around on this site and answer some questions.

Do you have any deep feelings about Noam Chomsky?

He seems to be one of the godfather's in defining the use of language in children. Feel like we've come along way since Chomsky. But his refute against the idea of children learning language by stimulus and rote memorization was pretty innovative back then- I think in the 60's-70's?

I do agree with Chomsky that we do have this innate grammar rule/system in our heads that help us learn language. I guess it shows us how unique our species is in learning language compared to other mammals.

However, many linguists have now evolved his theory to include sociocultural aspects of language learning and its semantics. Seems like current linguists criticize him for missing this part about language learning. Either way, I think Chomsky was right about the fundamental idea that we humans do have this special language universal system that helps us learn the syntactics of language.

Nice capsulized summary of Noam's thinking! You should be a teacher.

Have you ever studied Bruno Bettelheim?

Nice capsulized summary of Noam's thinking! You should be a teacher.

Have you ever studied Bruno Bettelheim?

No. I haven't. Could you give me some background? Sounds interesting.

I've slid away from children and language into children and psychology. Bettelheim had decided that children become autistic because they have "refrigerator mothers," i.e. cold and inaccessible. He became very interested in children's fantasy life and how children remember (and how accurately).

Here's an article about him --

Bruno Bettelheim - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bruno_Bettelheim)

I didn't mean to go off-track about linguistics, but Bettelheim has always fascinated me, along with Noam.

I've slid away from children and language into children and psychology. Bettelheim had decided that children become autistic because they have "refrigerator mothers," i.e., cold and inaccessible. He became very interested in children's fantasy life and how children remember (and how accurately).

Here's an article about him --

Bruno Bettelheim - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bruno_Bettelheim)

I didn't mean to go off-track about linguistics, but Bettelheim has always fascinated me, along with Noam.

He seems to be interested in autism. Is there a reason that you are particularly interested in him?

We studied him in one grad school course. My older son is autistic, as is my husband. New theories about autism have overtaken Bettelheim's. As a teacher and counselor, I was very interested in his ideas regarding children's fantasies and the way they remember, especially in light of the recovered memory problems of 20 years ago or so.

As I said, I've pulled us away from linguistics.

We studied him in one grad school course. My older son is autistic, as is my husband. New theories about autism have overtaken Bettelheim's. As a teacher and counselor, I was very interested in his ideas regarding children's fantasies and the way they remember, especially in light of the recovered memory problems of 20 years ago or so.

As I said, I've pulled us away from linguistics.

Still sounds interesting to me and seems to have personal value for you.:)

You should be a counselor. You know the right things to say. :D

Seems like it is always easier to say the right things than actually putting them to action. Obviously for me the hard part is to forgive and move on.

So, today I went to my first therapy session. Not exactly what I expected. I spoke for 45 minutes and the therapists said that I may need long-term therapy, which she could refer me to off campus. The other option was to participate in a long-term group therapy, which begins next semester.

So, I guess it would be more financial to wait for the group therapy.

Huh... I pour my heart out with my issues and I end up with no further therapy. Felt like I was left there hanging with no other option.

She suggested long-term therapy, since she believed that my current and past relationship seemed to be somewhat linked to my adolescent trauma.

I was actually beaten somewhat half to death during junior high and high school in this all-girl private school back home.

Corporate punishment was legal and pervasively used in our school. So I endured 5 years of it. My parents were aware, of course, but they couldn't help, because that was how the school system back home was like. Worse, the teachers were the ones that wrote recommendations for college.

I guess society is to blame. Compared to other girls, I was the target for most of the beatings. Why? I had lived in the States at a young age and spoke fluent English. I was considered an anomaly, so the anger was geared towards me. Plus, I wasn't a fluent native speaker either. (Hmmm... I was a foreigner in my own country, so to speak.)

So, yes, I was beaten, hospitalized, been slapped around-broke my glasses, etc... but I survived. But never realized that it was affecting my self-esteem in an unconscious way. I guess that's why I have a harder time than others experiencing pain after break-ups? Wish I knew the answers.

I really don't know, but I do realize that the anxiety before the beatings were somewhat similar to the anxiety I felt after a break up. Not sure if there is any direct correlation though.

This is scary stuff
Things I didn't know about myself are really coming out now...

More confused after the therapy.

So, I guess it would be more financial to wait for the group therapy.
Yes, it would, but can you find counseling that's on a sliding scale?

This is scary stuff
Things I didn't know about myself are really coming out now...

More confused after the therapy.
All the more reason to keep this moving now. Next semester is a long way away. And individual would be more helpful than group.

I vote for searching for a counselor you can afford and whom you are comfortable with.

Hmmm...
I feel like I will be okay since I seem to have been living a normal life before all this happened. And if remnants of my past are going to interfere in some way in my social life later...

Do you think self-help resources will be a good option as well?

I admit, I am a bit apprehensive of going too deep into the past- if I think I might be able to help myself through self-help materials.

Just a thought

I think you have made some great choices in life, unfortunately not in men. Keep trying, you are a great catch

As much as I like to post this site,I really do believe you could benefit from it:

Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self (http://joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm)

In relationships,to ensure you aren't getting in over your head,too involved and losing YOU in the mix.

With the undergrads,to not be too close to rescuing them from themselves.

Focusing on your needs,your future,your goals instead of being sidetracked by all this other stimuli,is has shown it's true self.It has robbed you of you abilities to be what you want to be.

Take a step back,a weekend,a day,I don't know how much time you can take for YOU and you alone,but step back and do for you what you have been doing for all these others.

My Epiphany came when I began seeing a massage therapist.I was constantly seeking not only approval from all others but would strive for perfection in all my pursuits.Until she had me on the table(took months),and with all that time she enlightened me into the world of relaxation, not laziness,just the ability to take inventory of things,re-prioritize my focus without stress being a major roll.

Your choice of career will not be rewarding if you see it as a stress factor. Relationships also will be unsuccessful without the YOU in the picture.

Look into that site I posted,I know it has helped many people on this and many other sites t see the real truth behind setting boundaries.

Hope this helps:)

KBC

As much as I like to post this site,I really do believe you could benefit from it:

Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self (http://joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm)

In relationships,to ensure you aren't getting in over your head,too involved and loosing YOU in the mix.

With the undergrads,to not be too close to rescuing them from themselves.

Focusing on your needs,your future,your goals instead of being sidetracked by all this other stimuli,is has shown it's true self.It has robbed you of you abilities to be what you want to be.

Take a step back,a weekend,a day,I don't know how much time you can take for YOU and you alone,but step back and do for you what you have been doing for all these others.

My Epiphany came when I began seeing a massage therapist.I was constantly seeking not only approval from all others but would strive for perfection in all my pursuits.Until she had me on the table(took months),and with all that time she enlightened me into the world of relaxation,,not laziness,just the ability to take inventory of things,re-prioritize my focus without stress being a major roll.

Your choice of career will not be rewarding if you see it as a stress factor. Relationships also will be unsuccessful without the YOU in the picture.

Look into that site I posted,I know it has helped many people on this and many other sites t see the real truth behind setting boundaries.

Hope this helps:)

KBC


Oh wow. The website you recommended was great. It kind of helped me pinpoint some of the underlying issues I had -setting boundaries for myself.

I think I was never allowed to have boundaries-for fear of not getting want I wanted (e.g college), so I guess I gradually learned how to tolerate a lot of unwanted habits from others as well.

After reading all this, I am thinking of reconsidering continuous counseling.

Oh wow. The website you recommended was great. It kind of helped me pinpoint some of the underlying issues I had -setting boundaries for myself.

I think I was never allowed to have boundaries-for fear of not getting want I wanted (e.g college), so I guess I gradually learned how to tolerate a lot of unwanted habits from others as well.

After reading all this, I am thinking of reconsidering continuous counseling.

It did wonders for me, finding the right therapist you can relate to,much less respect and believe in,, well,that's a part of the search;)

I am gladdened you see what that site offers,many just look it over and move on,not understandig or in total denial of it.Their loss,right:)

If it's counseling you are seeking,there has to be a student advocate who can put you on the right path.That's what they're there for,don't allow silly fears or shame stop you from seeking this help.. it will be worth it!

Good hunting,

KBC

In my office right now trying to get a lot of work done that is already past due.

Everyone out at this pumpkin patch festival, but I'm stuck alone trying to get work done. Kind of depressing on a Saturday.

Went out Friday alone to buy some underclothes. Was interesting since I don't go shopping alone without friends or someone.

Felt kind of weird being all alone. I think my workload adds to the loneliness. Oh well, we have those days when u just feel down. I guess today is one of those days. Guess I'll just have to put up with it. Hate these days...

But, I called yesterday about referrals to private counseling so that is one big step I'm taking. Will talk to them Monday about my options. Kind of excited and scared.

Last night I was kind of down. So after underwear shopping
I watched a dvd called "An Education." Sounded just like my life. Was pretty interesting. I strongly recommend it

How about rescuing a couple of adult cats from the local shelter? They sleep 16 hours a day, but will give you unconditional love and will allow you to open cans of cat food and clean their litter box.

Okay,
I'm reading Vygotsky and I'm trying to apply to ESL students.

Okay,
I'm reading Vygotsky and I'm trying to apply to ESL students.
Hmmm, that's an interesting connection. How are you connecting any of his ideas to ESL students?

I like his idea regarding play (children).

This and your other posts paint a picture of a very cerebral person, but is so tightly wound up emotionally she can't relax. I bet your sleep habits are lousy too.

May I suggest more balance through regular exercise? Nothing big, just something everyday that requires focus and sweat, and fresh air and sunshine, maybe a walk in the park with a Frisbee. Very mind clearing and stimulates the body into good eating and sleep patterns.

You talk about stress relief, pay as much attention to your physical body, as you do your mind and I can about guarantee some good results.

Do you have any idea what sitting at a desk reading, or sitting in a lecture hall does to your body? Look it up, the consequences are devastating, unless you take care of your body on a regular basis. I have a 10 minute rule for being at a desk everyday, get up every thirty minutes for at least 10 minutes, just to stretch, and relax the body muscles, especially the neck, shoulders, and upper back.

Your brain will love you, and be more efficient, when you pay attention to your body more, and eat and sleep well. It's a healthy balance, and you do know what they say about all work and no play makes a child a very dull person. Its worse for adults.

This and your other posts paint a picture of a very cerebral person, but is so tightly wound up emotionally she can't relax. I bet your sleep habits are lousy too.

May I suggest more balance thru regular exercise? Nothing big, just something everyday that requires focus and sweat, and fresh air and sunshine, maybe a walk in the park with a Frisbee. Very mind clearing and stimulates the body into good eating and sleep patterns.

You talk about stress relief, pay as much attention to your physical body, as you do your mind and I can about guarantee some good results.

Do you have any idea what sitting at a desk reading, or sitting in a lecture hall does to your body? Look it up, the consequences are devastating, unless you take care of your body on a regular basis. I have a 10 minute rule for being at a desk everyday, get up every thirty minutes for at least 10 minutes, just to stretch, and relax the body muscles, especially the neck, shoulders, and upper back.

Your brain will love you, and be more efficient, when you pay attention to your body more, and eat and sleep well. Its a healthy balance, and you do know what they say about all work and no play makes a child a very dull person. Its worse for adults.

Thanks. I think I've been uptight for quite a while-using work as an excuse to keep myself even busier.

I took your advice and actually went to the gym.
It did feel really good- although I should've worked out in moderation.

Next time I'll take it slow.