I had an affair with a married man and I'm married we have been broken up 4 sometime he got us caught when he forgot to erase a text mail from me. He is still with his wife and I with my husband. The outcome was very bad and was ugly. I still think about him daily I think I was in love with him. We have not talked in months but the last thing he told me was to call him when I could. My husband made me do mean things to him because he was so mad. His wife called me everything. I think there was more to our relationship than just sex. My husband disagrees. He of course told his wife he never had sex with me. What should I do ? Do I call him? I miss him I can't stop thinking of him. I have even called his work just to hear his voice.

Sorry to be harsh here, but you made your bed, now its time to lay in it!! If your not happy in your marriage then get a divorce. To be fair if you put yourself in your husband position and found out your spouse was cheating on wouldn't you be p#ssed!! I don't think anyone would lay down roll over and say " hey walk on this side too". As far as the married guy that you had an affair with, did you really think he wasn't going to lie. What did you think he was going to leave his wife for you. You don't know if you're the first woman he has cheated with. He probably said you were, but he has proven he is lier.
Nope sorry I can't even fake any sympathy for you. You both deserve what you get. I hope your husband moves on and finds a woman that will know what the meaning of VOWS are.

Heartbroken, you need to stop daydreaming and face reality. It doesn't matter what your feelings for your 'lover' were or are. His weren't and aren't the same. He is with his wife trying to convince her that he is sincere and not a two-timing adulterous louse.

You need to put your energy and focus back where it belongs. Why are you still with your husband? Why didn't he leave or kick you out? What promises did you make to him to keep your life from disintegrating around you? Why aren't you living up to them?

Take responsibility for your actions. You did 'mean things to him' because you were trying not to lose your marriage because your husband was mad. You chose to stray. You chose to stay. You can choose to forget the other man and work on your marriage or you can choose to leave your marriage and learn to stand on your own two feet. IF you choose to stay in your marriage, you might try marriage counseling.

Either way, you need to lose all methods of contact you have with other man. That includes his work number. Holding on to the fantasy will not allow you to personally heal or rebuild the trust your husband had in you.

I honestly have to ask, do you really think anyone is going to suggest you continue to cheat on your husband, stay in contact with this married man, and entice him to continue to cheat on his wife??

You already knew it was wrong and a lousy idea or you wouldn't have had to keep it a secret and sneak around! He wouldn't continue to lie to his wife about what went on in your affair.

Unfortunately the outcome of getting caught wasn't bad and ugly enough to make you stop and look at what the two of you have done and realize the horrific pain you have caused people you once professed to love. I sincerely hope neither of you have any children.

As was said, if your marriage is not what you would like it to be, then do everything you can to make it better.

If you don't want to do the work necessary, then at least stop being selfish and have the decency to divorce your husband before you go sneaking off again.

Are you serious? Go ahead call him, and get caught again, and then see where you end up.

You better wake up and start doing the right thing, or find yourself alone.

I think Doula said it best. Why do you continue to be on the verge of communicating with him, despite all that has happened with the affair.

You give the impression that the affair is over, and it isn't. While you have not continued to physically see him, you continue to be obsessed with him, to the point of calling his work place to hear his voice. You are very much involved with him emotionally, which is also cheating.

I'm sure that logic has been lost on you. Your marriage is in peril, you have broken the trust of your husband, you need a clear head without a man in the shadows, in order to repair the damage you have caused in your own marriage. All of this you know, yet you carry on with a relationship, unable to let go of him. I get the impression if he said to meet him at the Sleaze Motel for 20 minutes, you would probably go, and risk itall over again.

And what does that say about the man you are having this affair with. You would get involved with a man who would cheat on his wife? Settle for sleeping with him, and a few stolen moments here and there, knowing that he lies, breaks his marriage vows, sneaks around? Why is that attractive to you, and why do you settle for so little.

As long as you are married, you have a commitment like no other. There is no half way. You are in, or you are out. Nobody's marriage vows have ever included being faithful with exceptions, being honest with allowable lies, or being married with an emotional attachment to another man.

So, at the moment, you are still very much involved with a married man, and continue to deceive your husband, and keep the cracks getting bigger in your marriage.

Please seek counselling to help you figure out why.

Since everyone wants 2 automatically assume I'm the witch here who doesn't care about anyone ory marriage and my poor husband. My husband he is the oone who has messed around our ENTIRE 10 year marriage. Emails to women and women phone calls nasty text mails internet porn internet dating sites internet sex sites too many too count disappearing 4 hours calls and texts from women notes turning his phone off when he leaves to go somewhere sending nude pics to women. All this and more I have found and ask about and begged him to stop; so when I had the affair with the married man in the previous question it was more out of positive attention from someone who didn't call me stupid and an idiot and worthless all the time, up until that point in my marriage I had never even thought of being untrue to my husband, everyone who answered my question of what 2 do now since the affair was over and I can't get him out of my head was so determined I was so wrong never evn asking if there was another side so judgemental nautomatically. I'm the one who has suffered for 10 years out of pure love and hope that my husband would someday stop and I would be good enough for him, there is usually always 2 sides 2 all stories. Including my affair and the other mans marriage too. Again it was very complicated and I was so distraut I really don't even know what I was thinking. I know there were things we discussed that were more than short term, everyone who answered my previous question and all nfuture questions should really be a little more open minded. I treated my husband like a king he wants `4 nothing and he gets everything brought 2 hjm. I always have I was tired of not being good enough for him and feeling like a failure I was tired of begging him to leave other women alone and want just me LIKE HE VOWED TO DO ON OUR WEDDING DAY!! He broke my heart 1st and repeadly. I am sorry I hurt him and I do still love him. I still have feelings for the other man and maybe its just because I need closure and maybe its because I miss the positive attention.like cat1864 I have stood on my own two feet plenty. As for answerme_tender be very careful what you wish on other people since you are automatically so judgemental and harsh wo even asking or knowing the past you just might get back what you wish on other peple, your comment was very un helpful so thanks. You should not be so quick to prejudge no one should. No my unhappiness 4 10 years from repeted heartbreak of my husband cheating on me didn't make it OK to do what I did and cheat too I know that. I tried everything before that happened I knew to do to get him to stop he just won't its like an addiction. We have been to counseling 4 those who caredenough 2 give a decent answer. So I am to the point now to where I do not know what to do?

1) Take responsibility for your actions

2) Take responsibility for your lack of actions

3) Move on. You two are no good for each other

Please keep all info regarding the same issue in one post.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/affair-married-man-514836.html

I've asked the mods to merge your threads. Thank you.

Get out of your marriage.
Walk away from the affair.
Get some counselling for yourself.
Learn to love yourself.
You may need to do the last two before you are ready to do the others.
One day you can have enough respect for yourself to find love with someone who treats you properly and whom you can trust.
Trying to find love with someone else's husband isn't the answer.
Whatever the guy is telling you, he is married. You already know how much it hurts to be cheated on. Don't be the one to inflict that on another.
Staying in a marriage that makes you unhappy isn't the answer either. It doesn't matter how much we love someone, if they cannot love us back in the right way they will only hurt us. You have given him 10 years and been to counselling to get him to change. If it hasn't happened by now I very much doubt it ever will. Sorry but that's the reality of it.
Time to be brave.
Good luck.

Harshness warning

Hold it right there. Staying with the b@sta@rd is your choice, and you bear the consequences for that, and secondly if he were the b@sta@d you say he is, why did you submit, and endure his to his mean backlash when you were caught? And what do you justify hurting his wife with? Because your miserable where you are, doesn't justify your actions to cheat when all you had to do was leave in the first place.

You don't get a free pass on bad selfish behavior when you did have other choices. Matter of fact, you still have those choices, if things are as you say. Sorry but I suggest you examine your choices very carefully and if your husband is the horrible fellow you say he is leave his a$$ and go find your happiness elsewhere and keep away from other lying cheating men, just like him.

Think about it really hard, you cheat on a lying cheating b@stard, with another lying cheating b@stard!!!!?! Does that make any kind of logical sense to YOU?? You have reality, and BS all mixed up, and that's the root of your misery, and I highly suggest you make some positive changes to your life, and actions, or you will drown in your own shat!!

Heartbroken, yes, there are multiple sides to every story. We can only give advice based on the story you give us. IF you choose to withhold information that you think is pertinent to the understanding of your side, then you will get advice that does not take that information into account.

This will be harsh:

The information you have chosen to add does not change my advice.

Your lover, who you say is telling his wife 'his' story, does not appear to have the feelings for you that you think or want him to have. He may not have been cruel or mean to you, but he was doing to his wife what you now say your husband was doing to you. Does that sound like the 'loving', 'wonderful' person you are wanting to believe he is. You have built up a fantasy about him. You have put him on a pedestal that is built out of sand and it is crumbling. Stop trying to 'fix' the pedestal. Open your eyes and look at the reality. It is the only closure you should need. He doesn't deserve you any more than an abusive husband does.

Think about this. You and your lover's wife have a lot in common. You both have been cheated on and probably made to feel it's your fault. You have both been lied to. You are both still with the men who treat you like doormats. You also now have a lot in common with the women your husband has cheated on you with. They probably were treated better than he treats you. He probably told them the same type of stories your lover told you about his wife.

IF you are so unhappy in this marriage, why are you still in it? Why haven't you left? Why are you putting up with his actions? Why are you using his bad behavior to justify your own?

Learning to stand on your own two feet is about not relying on someone else for your happiness and self-worth. It is about not leaving one relationship to jump into another one. It is about healing and rebuilding your self-respect.

It still comes down to stay and work on the marriage or leave. Either way rebuild your own self-esteem through positive means. Don't rely on others for your own happiness and self-respect.

Given the additional information:

If anyone knows the pain caused by a cheating spouse it should be you... and yet you allowed yourself to be part of it for another person to feel that pain. And now you have put yourself to the same level as your husband as a liar and a cheater. That is something you will have to live with, deal with, and try to overcome.

If you were so unhappy, had tried everything you could think of to help your marriage, then why didn't you end it when you knew it wasn't going to work to your satisfaction?

I'm sorry for the pain your husband put you through, and I'm sorry you felt that your feelings and efforts in the marriage were not matched by his... but you have said it yourself that what you did was wrong.

You also know full well what you need to do now... end the relationship with this married man. Do not contact him, do not call his work to listen to his voice. Why would you want him, knowing he is a liar and a cheater no different than your own husband?

Again, did you really think anyone would tell you to continue to cheat on your husband with a married man no less? Why are you surprised by the responses that you have received?

If you are not happy, get out of the marriage. Have some decency, regain some dignity and be a better person.

One thing human beings are generally not, are mind readers.

If you read your original question, you were specifically, and only referencing your affair with a married man, and all responses were appropriate.

Now those taking the time to answer your question are somehow judgmental, don't know what they're talking about. We are apparently faulted for not knowing you had a lying, cheating spouse for the past 10 years who had a multitude of women, which was posted after the fact.

Your question did not include any information other than what was appropriately responded to.

And his behaviour, does not change your own.

If you needed comfort, love, understanding and support, choosing to have an affair with a married man was not the way to go about it no matter how you cut the cheese.

Surely you realize the only person responsible for your actions is you. The same with your choices. To add a married man into the mix, when there are so many problems with the marriage, does not make your actions any more understandable, or acceptable to any parties concerned.

Why you stayed with your husband is beyond me. Again, it was your choice to put up with all that you say now, about his affairs, and behaviour.

But it does not justify yours.

And your affair continues. I see no useful purpose to contributing to this thread to try to help you. I can only add that I hope you get counselling to deal with your life.

Listen, you have to wake up and do something with your life because ALL of your choices right now are bad. Your staying in terrible marriage, your continuing on with this affair - it's all bad and won't get any better as long as you're choosing to ignore it.

Break it off with a married guy and let him sort his life and his marriage out without you. Look at your own life and marriage and see if this something you're be willing to put some work in, or you'd be better off ending it too and being on your own.

But you don't want to wake up one morning 10 years from now, and to feel you've wasted all this time living in misery. Life is about choices. Please make wise choices for yourself.

Good luck.

Please, read the rules of the forum.

It is NOT okay to fault someone for an opinion, which you did to me. An opinion is an opinion, not a statement of fact, which is the only reason a person can be given a disagree. If you don't like the advice, don't post a question, and/or, move on. It is rude to fault someone's reputation because you do not agree with, once again, an opinion.

I agree with Jake. I don't understand why someone would fault anyone for their individual opinions. If you disagree then just write your own opinion with your views, its rudes to mark someone because you disagree.

Guidelines for using the Comment/Rating features:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/forum-help/using-comments-feature-official-guidelines-24951.html

If you read Jake's post with an open mind, you might find it very helpful. It contains several questions for you to answer for yourself. Those answers should help you make your next decision with a clearer mind.