AnyIdeas
Oct 7, 2010, 11:11 AM
So here's the skinny...
Me early 30's, working professional - Her mid 20's, grad student with an internship
I've been dating, well let's say "talking", to a girl for the past two months and we live across the country from one another. We have shared 3 different trips together over those two months and have had a complete blast on each trip. The final trip was here in my hometown and we spent time together and with my friends showing her some details of my life. We had an absolutely awesome time with the trip ending with a comment of how crazy she is about me while cuddling in bed. We talk or text daily and I've, for the most part, been able to recognize her normal levels of interaction. About a week ago things have changed a bit.
A comment was made, in a very lighthearted and joking light, about how she has anywhere from 1-5 years left of school and moving here was potentially way down the line. Again, this was in a very lighthearted manner and no serious talks of moving have ever been brought up. But, what this comment did start was a feeling from my end about being realistic and whether this should be pursued any further or if we should cut ties and call it off. This apparently started to show in text messages as I was being "distant" in her words. She asked if I was OK and why I was being distant later on in the day. I responded with the fact that 5 years is a long time to date long distance and maybe we should talk about where this is heading.
Now my intention wasn't meant to stir up an "All or Nothing" conversation - more along the lines of a general direction of things... are we on the same page - but, it did in fact lead to a very uncomfortable conversation and I had to do some serious back pedaling to just keep things from completely falling apart. In her eyes, it went from easy and carefree to "pressure." As though things had to be planned out with an ultimate goal on the horizon. It went from her concern of me being distant to a complete 180 and her not knowing what she is feeling about all of this and "maybe we're at different stages in our lives."
So I'll admit. I do feel quite a bit for this person. Enough to spend time, money and emotions on someone who lives very far away. I do not want to lose the opportunity at something great because I came on too strong. Now we do have another trip that we are talking about planning but I'm trying to get back to where we were a week ago... which seemed to change in literally a 30 minute period. Prior to that uncomfortable conversation, I would receive text message early in the morning, random picture messages of her doing daily stuff, messages about her missing me to where we are today - almost 1pm, no text, no I'm missing you, no pic messages... this has been going on for days now. Now we are still talking, talking about another trip. Our conversation last night was almost an hour long and very casual. I brought up a trip - she confirmed it to be a good idea. I said I missed her and she confirmed the same... I'm doing all the initiating now. I can sense a change in the overall dynamic of things. I need to get back to where things were. I have a feeling that she is about to distance herself further until it is completely gone.
My thoughts are:
*give her some space - ease up on the my initiating of the texting and can't wait to see you comments to see how she responds. Create that fear of loss feeling so she'll turn things around.
*I have some gifts for her that I planned on sending (very specific, thought provoking, sentimental gifts) but I'm hesitant because I'm afraid they will not be received as well as they would have a week ago. Just some stuff to let her know I care.
*Possibly cutting things off - telling her that a trip is not a good idea with the way things currently stand. (taking the approach of I'm just fine without you in my life and creating that "want what you can't have" impression in her mind)
Bottom line is... I like this girl. She has many qualities I find attractive. Normally my path would be to tell her exactly what's on my mind but the small glimpse of that has pushed her away. I'm not trying to play games, I have no ill intentions. I just want the opportunity to date this girl for a while and see if this has any legs.
Me early 30's, working professional - Her mid 20's, grad student with an internship
I've been dating, well let's say "talking", to a girl for the past two months and we live across the country from one another. We have shared 3 different trips together over those two months and have had a complete blast on each trip. The final trip was here in my hometown and we spent time together and with my friends showing her some details of my life. We had an absolutely awesome time with the trip ending with a comment of how crazy she is about me while cuddling in bed. We talk or text daily and I've, for the most part, been able to recognize her normal levels of interaction. About a week ago things have changed a bit.
A comment was made, in a very lighthearted and joking light, about how she has anywhere from 1-5 years left of school and moving here was potentially way down the line. Again, this was in a very lighthearted manner and no serious talks of moving have ever been brought up. But, what this comment did start was a feeling from my end about being realistic and whether this should be pursued any further or if we should cut ties and call it off. This apparently started to show in text messages as I was being "distant" in her words. She asked if I was OK and why I was being distant later on in the day. I responded with the fact that 5 years is a long time to date long distance and maybe we should talk about where this is heading.
Now my intention wasn't meant to stir up an "All or Nothing" conversation - more along the lines of a general direction of things... are we on the same page - but, it did in fact lead to a very uncomfortable conversation and I had to do some serious back pedaling to just keep things from completely falling apart. In her eyes, it went from easy and carefree to "pressure." As though things had to be planned out with an ultimate goal on the horizon. It went from her concern of me being distant to a complete 180 and her not knowing what she is feeling about all of this and "maybe we're at different stages in our lives."
So I'll admit. I do feel quite a bit for this person. Enough to spend time, money and emotions on someone who lives very far away. I do not want to lose the opportunity at something great because I came on too strong. Now we do have another trip that we are talking about planning but I'm trying to get back to where we were a week ago... which seemed to change in literally a 30 minute period. Prior to that uncomfortable conversation, I would receive text message early in the morning, random picture messages of her doing daily stuff, messages about her missing me to where we are today - almost 1pm, no text, no I'm missing you, no pic messages... this has been going on for days now. Now we are still talking, talking about another trip. Our conversation last night was almost an hour long and very casual. I brought up a trip - she confirmed it to be a good idea. I said I missed her and she confirmed the same... I'm doing all the initiating now. I can sense a change in the overall dynamic of things. I need to get back to where things were. I have a feeling that she is about to distance herself further until it is completely gone.
My thoughts are:
*give her some space - ease up on the my initiating of the texting and can't wait to see you comments to see how she responds. Create that fear of loss feeling so she'll turn things around.
*I have some gifts for her that I planned on sending (very specific, thought provoking, sentimental gifts) but I'm hesitant because I'm afraid they will not be received as well as they would have a week ago. Just some stuff to let her know I care.
*Possibly cutting things off - telling her that a trip is not a good idea with the way things currently stand. (taking the approach of I'm just fine without you in my life and creating that "want what you can't have" impression in her mind)
Bottom line is... I like this girl. She has many qualities I find attractive. Normally my path would be to tell her exactly what's on my mind but the small glimpse of that has pushed her away. I'm not trying to play games, I have no ill intentions. I just want the opportunity to date this girl for a while and see if this has any legs.