I am now exclusively dating a guy I've been seeing since July. Not in a relationship yet, but only seeing and sleeping with each other. Basically to see how things go.

Long story on how we got to this point..

We stopped talking for 3 weeks before Wednesday just gone because I brought up exclusivity. It was a couple of weeks after my previous post asking if 6 weeks was enough. 8 weeks of dating apparently wasn't. He told me although he had feelings for me, he didn't want a relationship and wasn't the sort of guy who likes to be in one. I told him that in that case we should stop things - no more seeing each other or sleeping with each other. I figured he was a waste of my time!

I bumped into him while at a bar on Wednesday night, and we ended up going home together. In the morning we had a chat and I asked him to explain why he didn't want a relationship with me. We had a pretty deep conversation about his past - he was a Jehovah's witness for 20 years (left the church 7 years ago). I'd known this, and knew how much it had affected him. But I didn't know the extent to which it influenced every part of his life. He said that he felt controlled for so long and was lost for years after leaving the church. He says that he's finally found himself, his identity - and is enjoying the new found freedom of doing his own thing. He said it's not as if he enjoys "playing the field", he just doesn't enjoy being tied down - he wants to experience this sense of self for a little longer before he gives himself to anyone. I understand that completely and it's not like other poor excuses I've gotten from men. It's something I cannot judge him on because I haven't been in his shoes. Although I did set him straight and judge the fact he was comparing a religion to one person - and that not all women are controlling haha!

Then he asked me what I want... and I told him I wanted to be with him - to be in a relationship with him eventually that is. I asked him if he could see himself being in a relationship with me - he said yes. So we've agreed to date exclusively to see how things pan out. He said he's willing to see if things work out, that he wants to take the chance with me, as I'm the most comfortable he's been with a girl in years as well.

Basically I am terrified that he's going to freak out like he did after I asked for exclusivity when I want a full blown relationship out of him. It will be much more of a blow than the previous time!

What are people's thoughts - is it worth the risk? Or should I not give him a second chance?

What exactly is the difference between seeing someone exclusively and having sex with them, and having a relationship?

I'm not being glib here I genuinely want to understand what the defining difference is for you guys, what is it that he cannot commit to exactly?

I've been in plenty of situations where I've not wanted to jump into something with full commitment, but I've dated them and only slept with them. I see it as a relationship test drive - seeing each other without the girlfriend/boyfriend label. We've only seen each other since July, so it's too early for full on commitment. People have varying definitions and views on relationships.

He fears being tied down. Not by women specifically, by anything. An insecurity, almost an emotional scar, from being in a cult like religion. No offence to those who are Jehovah's witnesses. People may find it ridiculous, but I cannot judge until I have been in someone else's shoes.


And by full commitment, I mean becoming a permanent fixture. Taking things to the next level - more contact, meeting family, being introduce as their partner etc

How committed would he become if you happened to become pregnant? Would that be enough to commit to you?

I'd tread slowly... he has made it clear he is just enjoying himself and his new sense of freedom. He sounds very unsure of what he wants right now. Sure, he'll have sex with you... why wouldn't he since you are willing, but as you said, for you that does not constitute necessarily being in a relationship. Or does it really? Are you hoping this will go further?

It sounds like you skipped the getting to know you better part and jumped ahead. Difficult to go backwards now.

Take it slowly, get to know him better, meet family, etc. If it is going to evolve into something more, it will... if not, you will know soon enough.

And by full committment, I mean becoming a permanent fixture. Taking things to the next level - more contact, meeting family, being introduce as their partner etc

Those all sound like reasonable things to want from a relationship. I also understand that due to his past he may feel panicked by these things. However if he doesn't seem willing to slowly move towards those things then I think you are in danger of just being his exclusive sex buddy. By all means allow him to move slowly, but do expect some movement unless you are happy to be no more than this to him.

I don't see where he will want or need more. He as a sexual relationship with no strings attached.
If you are too afraid to ask about a change in status, that says to me you know you won't get it.
You need to step away from this because it is not what you want and will likely not be. Or stay out of bed and get to know each other on a deeper level.
His new freedom after religion is nothing new. All he is really saying is he's free and he does not want to commit.
As long as he's getting companionship and sex on his terms, I'd say he thinks he has it pretty good.

I see it as a relationship test drive - seeing each other without the girlfriend/boyfriend label. We've only seen each other since July, so it's too early for full on commitment. People have varying definitions and views on relationships.

Sorry but your way is a crap shoot. It may work, it may not. You are dealing with another human, and you need facts, to see if its even worth it before you invest time effort, and emotions. Its not like getting a pair of shoes. When the physical wears off and it will then what, get another guy to have sex with while you see if its worth it or not?

Most guys will take you up on your offer, and when the physical fades, so will their interests. Yes you skipped the whole go slow, and enjoy getting to know each other phase, and jumped right into love sex and rock and roll. Sex is NOT love, and you cannot sustain it as a basis for being with someone.

You are also ignoring a very red flag he has brought to you while you test drive him,


He says that he's finally found himself, his identity - and is enjoying the new found freedom of doing his own thing. He said it's not as if he enjoys "playing the field", he just doesn't enjoy being tied down - he wants to experience this sense of self for a little longer before he gives himself to anyone.

He is driving you for free, and doesn't want a relationship, and when he finds another sex buddy, he out of there. Of course you have that option also, and I doubt he cares what you want in the long run, because the short term is good enough for now.

This is to backward a way to build something, and I just think the hit or miss method you are using is a lousy way to attract a life partner. It requires very little work, and almost no communications to maintain. When the fun is over, it will be over.

Seeing and sleeping with someone is not a relationship? If you start sleeping with someone,shouldn't you make sure there is exclusivity at least in intimacy? And people have been using religion as an excuse for behavior for a million years. There is nothing new about this. But you are determined to allow him to control you, so go for it. Sure, he could hurt you, even break your heart. But you know what, you're asking for it, so don't be shocked when it happens. I've said this before and I'll say it again, why should your boyfriend buy the cow when he is getting the milk for free. Good luck, and remember, you asked for it.