I'm a 34 year old male currently dating a 27 year old female. We started dating 5 years ago. The first two years were great; never had any problems. Although I recently came to learn that she was still dating her x-boyfriend at the time she was initially dating me. She claimed that she was only dating him, as well, until we became "exclusive" because she believed I was also dating other people - which I was not. I mention this for context.

After dating for 3 mostly great years, we moved in together. We talked about and made plans to get married. I bought a ring and planned on proposing but little things started to happen (e.g. fights, etc.). She became bitter and constantly referred to the fact that we should have been married and that it shouldn't have taken me 3+ years to know if I wanted to marry her or not.

Then things completely went downhill. She preferred to spend time with her friends going out to clubs. She often came home very late. When she drank she would do things that I considered inappropriate like flirting with other men in front of me, getting so drunk she wouldn't answer her phone and acting out; I chocked this up to her being young (22 at the time) and hoped that she would grow out of it.

After living together for a year things progressively got worse. I became jealous and possessive because I often felt she was lying to me. I found out she was texting other men, including some of her x-boyfriends. She insisted that they were just friends or still hung out with her groups of friends and she was being nice. She became very protective of her cell phone and would often get messages from other guys asking her to do things. Again, she insisted they were just friends or old boyfriends messaging her like guys often do, but that she was not doing anything wrong. For many months she was only what I can describe as mean and *****y to me (Full Disclaimer: her personality since the day I met her has been this way more often then not). She would waiver back and forth between telling me she loved me and wanting to get married to acting cold and getting drunk at bars with "guy friends" until 2am. I did not trust her at all, but could never catch her actually physically cheating or messaging someone inappropriately (i.e. the messages from guys were always about if she was going out that night or to meet up with friends). When we would fight, I found out she contacted one of her x's to make plans to get drinks. Although, as far as I know, she never met up with any of them.

One day after months of this spiral, told me she "needed a break". She moved out. For six months she would contact me and tell me she loved me and missed me and ask to see me. When I did give in, she would sometimes be intimate with me. Then sometimes refuse to kiss me saying it would make things too complicated. When I indicated that I couldn't date her if she was dating other people, she told me she didn't want to be in a relationship with me right now; she needed time to find herself. I attempted to not speak to her anymore.

She still continued to message me. When I started not responding to her messages, she became insulting. We didn't speak for a few months and during this time I learned she went out with a few other men. I also heard a rumour, which part of me still believes may be true, that she may have had an affair with her much older married boss who she told me many times she was attracted to during this time (she claims nothing "sexual" ever happened but said that she may have acted inappropriately in flirting with him and messaging him).

Six months ago we ran into each other. We started talking again and she told me she wanted me back in her life. She claimed the reason things did not work was because she wanted to be married to me and I didn't do it. She also claims other stresses were a factor. We started casually seeing each other again. At first things were very good. For the most part we got along well, enjoyed seeing each other and had minimal disagreements. We agreed that we wanted to exclusively date each other again because we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.

However, the last few months, things have started to go back to bad again. We have our disagreements when one or both of us is cranky; it seems to not bother her and only me as I am the one who has to make an effort to make things right. She will still get drunk and act inappropriately. I have also learned that while she has told her immediate friends and family that we are dating again, she has NOT told most people. I showed up at a work function of hers and it was extermely akward. She acted distant to me and at the end of the night said that she needed to stay with her co-worker she came with rather than leave wth me but that she was glad I came. Some of her other friends make plans to do things with their signifcant others and ask her if she wants to bring me "if she is still talking to me".

In addition, I have found out that she is again texting men that she dated while we were on a break. She claims that they are messaging her asking her to do things and that she talks to them as guy friends which she is entitled to have and not doing anything wrong. I am aware that she has not gone out of her way to tell them that she is in a relationship. But I am also aware that she is not seeing them - because she is with me or with her girlfriends.

On a daily basis I get angry and stressed out because I feel like the relationship is completely lop-sided. I go out of my way to do things for her, tell her I love her and make plans with her. She is only affectionate when proded and seems to be just content for things to be "stale" (a comment she made about how things are now). When I ask her about the lack of affection - she claims that she is "just not an affectionate person".

All that being said, she still makes plans to see me and tells me she's excited to see me. She also makes comments that she wants to plan a vacation with me.

I am miserable because I go through these awful up and down swings in mood everyday because of her. Some days she is loving to me. Other days she is cold and distant like hanging out with me is an obligation.

Although she has done many things to me that I just don't respect, I love her and want to work through all the bad to get to the good because I know while I was always open to working things out and gave 100% with her; I am partially at fault for everything that happened by acting jealous and sometimes mean.

If you asked me right now, I would say I want to spend the rest of my life with her - if she could just be loving and trustworthy.

Unfortunately, I don't trust her based on her track record and current actions. While I believe 100% that she is still talking to guys she dated while we were broken up or other guys, I am 99% sure that she is not seeing them.

So, is it my paranoia that is causing my issues and making the relationship disfuncational because I have a problem? Or, is there really something not right?

You say that your miserable because of the things she does to you. Come on, you allow her to do these things, you keep coming back. You know exactly how she has treated you, and probably cheated on you even while telling you how much she wanted to be married to you. Do you think she really loves you and has contact with other men, for whatever reason she gives. She is still very young, and apparently wanting to just go out and party with whoever. But she likes having you around when she wants. You need to buck up and decide if this all you want out of a relationship.
Its hard enough having to live with every day struggles in a relationship, to have to put up with her moods. Don't you want to have a woman who is done playing games, and is mature enough to handle a REAL relationship with you. Most importantly don't you want to be with a woman that you can TRUST. Life is way too short to have worry about her bring home an STD to you!! Its up to you. Good luck

Dude, wake up. I don't care what she says or how you feel about her, YOU are just one of many options she has.

Disappear from her life. Never contact her again, and don't let her contact you.

You are just an easy pushover for her. Now stand up for yourself, or keep falling for her BS!!

I really don't know why some people want to spend the rest of their lives with someone they don't trust, believe, or really like. Maybe they just love to fight. And you say if only she could be loving and trustworthy. Well all I can say to you Stuckinny, if I wanted to drive a Toyota, I wouldn't go out and buy a Yugo..

It doesn't sound like she was ever committed to you, or ever will be.

Wake up & use your gut next time.

Can't believe you put up with that crap this long. She's a liar.

Now your paying for it.

Remove the problem & move on.

I'm 34. She's 27. We've been dating for 5 years. About 7 months ago she broke up with me and we got back together. When we first started dating we had sex often (2+ times week). The frequency gradually decreased to less than once a week prior to the first break up.

After the break up, when we got back together, the sex was frequent again in the beginning. Now for the past few months it has tapered off again to less than once a week.

When we do have sex, it is good. Or, at least I think it is. For context, if it helps: she has never achieved orgasm from sex alone. Only through manual or oral stimulation. As a result, our encounters often involve me making her climax first manually or orally before sex. She always comments "that was good" after this.

Recently, when I try to initiate anything sexual with her, she claims "she's tired", "not in the mood", etc. When I try to touch her sexually, almost every time she will turn away my advances. Ever so often, she will just perform oral sex on me after my persistent advances. I am guessing this is to just appease me - but it even only occurs less than once a week now.

I've brought up the subject in the past, and she has commented that "she's just not that sexual". I believe this is an excuse and not the real reason. Noting that at the beginning both times, she was very sexual. For some more context, she lost her virginity at age 14 and has been with 17+ partners. This would seem to contradict it as well. Finally, she keeps a box of condoms in her nightstand (it has been unopend). She claims she bought them when we broke up. They are unused. But if she really isn't sexual like she claims she is - why would she be buying condoms?

When I am with her she loves cuddle, hold me, hold my hand, etc. She tells me all the time, she wants to marry me. She kisses me (not passionate kissing though). Most of the kissing is initiated by me.

Since my advances and discussions have not helped anything. I tried the waiting game to see if she would make a move (i.e. become a challenge). So for the last 5 times in a row that I saw her, I didn't initiate anything. It didn't work. The fifth night we spent together, I was so frustrated, I finally had to try and initiate something. The response, "I'm tired. It's too late. How about another time".

I'm at the point where she has taken something that should be great and made it into a huge issue. I consider myself attractive, physically fit, etc. I've had other people I've dated tell me I'm a good lover and considerate. She is very attractive. And makes comments about certain men she finds attractive. I don't necessarily fit her stereotypical "attractive" guy, but she has dated me for 5 years so she must find me attractive at some level?

The only thing I can take away from her not wanting to be with me is either (1) she's having sex with someone else [which doesn't make any sense because she spends most of her free time doing things with me] or (2) she's not attracted to me anymore - in which case - how can I be in a relationship with someone who's not attracted to me and doesn't want to have sex?

I have asked that this be merged with your existing thread.

This thread should have not been requested to be moved. While the other thread could provide context about the relationship, this question most certainly has content ONLY appropriate for the "Adult Sexuality" forum

StuckinNY does not find this helpful : This thread should have not been requested to be moved. While the other thread could provide context about the relationship, this question most certainly has content ONLY appropriate for the "Adult Sexuality" forum!

I am sorry you feel that way. However, your overall relationship with the woman you are attempting to have sex with has everything to do with why you are or are not having sex.

I don't think you are naïve enough to think that your not trusting her and all of your issues and hers are not affecting the intimate aspects of your relationship.