Well... were to start. I moved out to California from Idaho for my job that was supposed to be temporary... never really liked it out here but met a girl and things fell into place and we fell in love... she ended up getting pregnant and we had a boy whom is almost 2 yrs. Old and means everything to me. I ended up buying a nice house for us when she was pregnant up by her parents house so she would have family close by which happens to be out in the sticks and I left all my friends about 40 minutes away for her. Bought her a new 750 beemer last year to drive because I thought it was a pretty sweet car, perfect for road trips and very safe... I guess I should also get out that I'm 30yrs. Old and she's 22 now. I've never really seen age be an issue and actually thought she was much older based on her maturity and looks.. (very attractive). Anyway... we've been living in this house for almost two years (moved in the day before my son was born) and she has been a stay at home mom and I work from home so we were constantly around one another 24x7. It was great to see her and my son all day but at times I think we got sick of one another. I told her that she needed to do things and get out of the house because she seemed depressed and maybe even go talk to someone.. As of about 2 months ago, she started going out a lot more with her friends whom are all single and party a lot. She didn't call me one night to tell me she wasn't coming home and I got a text in the morning that she'd be home at 8am.. well she didn't walk through the door until 2pm the next day and said sorry that her and her friend were hung over.. woke up ate something watched a movie and fell asleep. For awhile I had thought she was lying until just yesterday her friend reached out to me and I asked her. Anyway... back when it happened I told her if she's not going to respect me and communicate with me then this isn't going to work... she said well I'm 22 and still like to go out with my girlfriends and stay with them every now and then like she always used to do before our son. I told her we're a family now and she needs to respect me or she should move out... well, she did. She moved out and then I went into panic mode... trying to tell her she needs to come home and doesn't need to be living at her parents house. She said she just needed space. Well.. I tried doing little things to show her I cared and even brought her over some flowers saying that we need to work this out as a family... she said in the relationship I never showed her enough affection and she doesn't want to work it out.. I continued on chasing her even though I was told by friends don't do it.. her sister convinced me to do something big to bring the love back because she was telling me she's not in love with me but still loves me. So I bought a ton of candles.. 4 dozen roses and made a colloge of why I love her.. I had the candles lit from her window up to their pool area and threw rocks at her window and she came out.. followed the trail up to the pool and was mad at me.. said what the f_ck are you doing and why couldn't you show me this stuff when we were together. I was heartbroken... Then when I was at my buddies he asked why she would all of the sudden do this... told me to look at my phone records which was about 4 weeks into the breakup. Well, there was a number that wasn't familiar on it that started on the 2nd week.. He told me to give him the number and apparently he googled it and told me he found an old craigslist posting of a guy named michael who is selling a dirt bike (I also ride dirt bikes and her family puts on one of the largest ameture nationals in the country so its in the family). I confronted her about it and she said she's just talking to him for someone to talk to.. but she was talking to him a lot and texting a lot. I told her I can't take the thought of seeing her caling this guy and to please move her phone over to her parents line which they said no problem.. Well... then my buddies saw her out one night when I was watching my son and she was with this guy and they said they were definitely more than friends. I was devistated.. I shut her phone off that morning and cancelled her credit card that I pay for. She ended up breaking her phone that morning apparently and went to verizon... called me for authorization for them to give her a new phone for free and I said no.. I've been disrespected and I won't tollerate it. She was furious... of course this was after she was turned down at the grocery store trying to use her credit card... when at verizon she said I better be prepared because she's coming over and will break the door down. Drove up and started pounding on the door... I hit record on my phone to video record it.. she was running into the door and yelling at me as the windows looked like they were going to break around the door (its a double door so it gives a bit) I opened the door because I decided it was better than her breaking the windows... she came in yelled at the top of her lungs while my son was in the car by himself but sleeping apparently. She was screaming so loud that I shut her stuff down and grabbed a candle and threw it across the room and it busted. She saw I had recorded video and tried to grab my phone but I had emailed it to myself for safety before I let her in. She was pissed I recorded it to say the least. Keep in mind I've neever seen this kind of behavior from her ever.. and it was almost like she flew off the deepend and it was actually a little scary.. I talked to her family about it who has been mad at her since the move out and they couldn't believe it... they continue to this day to tell her to go home and she's splitting up a family. She continues to drive my car I got her (not in her name) and almost expects it. I was so hurt that I decided to take my son to Idaho to visit family and get out of this house a that feels like prison since I work and live here. She wanted the car to use while I was gone so I told her she needs to get a job while I'm gone and don't drive it anywhere. While I was gone I told her I also wanted her to move her phone to her parents account before I returned.. I then returned... checked my plans minutes and boom... she's still texting this guy and calling a lot which again, hurt me badly. She didn't have a job and I was pretty pissed. Keep in mind while I was gone she didn't call me once or text me to see how our son was or to talk to him... she said she didn't want to confuse him and it hurt her to call because she missed him. I sent her a text saying I was coming home that Sunday and she never came over to see him that day... her mom was driving by on the main road below and saw my garage open so stopped by to see my son... talked to me for awhile and said she's really at a loss of words and her daughter doesn't reallize how bad she's ruining her family and its going to really effect our son. The next day her best friend reached out to me... said that my ex had been staying at her house every night while I was gone and she did know about the other guy but said she's not happy and is just being stubborn because she's the most stubborn person we both have ever met.. if she makes her mind up on something she will do it even if its wrong just to prove a point. Her friend told me that she's been being as mean as she can to her and telling her she needs to go home... and said shed do whatever she can. I told my ex... think about this for the day and lets meet up in the evening to discuss... and that I really love her and want to make this work for our son especially. She agreed to think about it and decide if she wanted to continue down this path... which gave me hope. We also had to discuss day care since she was going to be getting a job and her schedule of when sheshould work. I went up to her parents.. and we started talking by the pool... she told me she just can't do it anymore and that she loves me but is not in love with me and that she's felt so alone in our house for so long and makes excuses like how I'll joke around with her about little things like when id' come downstairs from work on a break and say... I sure wish I was retired. But I was really only joking ever. She brought up little things like that and said it hurts her.. I just didn't get it. Well, she said she just can't do it anymore and she can't go through the motions at the house and be unhappy for the rest of her life. I forgot to mention we also went to counseling 4 times in which the last time she didn't even show up. I spent 800 bucks and the last session I did it alone shince she didn't show and talked to the counselor. The counselor thought she was going through a quarter life crisis is what she called it and really didn't see anything major wrong with our relationship other than communication and typically doesn't see couples for minor issues like this... I just got confused even more... well, now she's put this permanent.. still hasn't moved all of her stuff out of my house and expects a car from me whether it be the bmer or the escalade. She said she needs a car to ge ton her feet because she has nothing and needs my help. I told her I'd buy her a 3.5k car which is 500 more than the car she got rid of.. and she can drive that to get her too and from her job for now. She said she wasn't driving a crappy car and sent me a blue book posting of her car that was traded in for 5.5k which was retail and 20k miles instead of the 100k it had. I said fine... I'll spend around that much and still have no idea why I owe her anything because we weren't married and I'm not here to support her anymore.. she chose to leave me. Now I'm simply heartbroken and have no idea what to do. Yesterday she said I need to work on me and she needs to work on herself because she's not happy.. she joined a church group for single women... and her friend said she should have joined a church group for moms.. to help her understand that life wasn't that bad and to meet people that do what she does. She said the way I'm acting trying to get her back and crying and hurting all the time doesn't make me attractive.. I'm not even trying to think of trying to be attractive and only want my family back together... I loved this girl more than anything and would have done anything for her in the world... I thought she was beautiful, intellegent and very loving and willing to do annything for our family until recently... I'm at a loss of words and not sure what to do or how to even move on. Since I changed my Facebook status to single a lot of people tell me she doesn't deserve me when all I want is her... yet I have girls telling me jokingly I'll have a baby to drive a 750. Lol. Girls are already hitting on me and asking me to go do things and go on dates and I can't even look at another girl. I took an offer up of one last night just to get out and have a few drinks and try to relax and get out of the house... she's a super nice girl and tried to talk to me about how to get through it and seemed very interested in me but I just had no desire to be out and even look at other girls. It was weird because last night I saw my ex whom followed me from Idaho to cali and I hadn't seen her in 3 yrs... and it was almost as if she knew I was single that quick... very odd but didn't do anything for me. I really just want to figure out how to cope with this and what to do with my life... my house in the hills, etc. I have no desire to live in this big house by myself... Its almost 4k sq. feet and I feel so lonely in it but got it for such a great deal I don't know what to do. It was too big even for the three of us... if anyone has any imput on my situation I would love to hear it because I'm seriously so depressed right now and have no idea how to get through this. I've delt with breakups before but this one takes the cake especially since a child is involved. It's going to be tough getting used to seeing my son every other day after work.. just heartbreaking.

BTW... keep in mind also that during the earlier stages of the breakup my Father had been told he might have cancer due to some tests they ran... I was devistated and wouldn't know for a little over a week after some further tests were done... then my mom went to the emergency room because they thought she might have had a stroke... my dad ended up okay but not once was she there for me and said she would be if something came of it... but really no care in the world. They couldn't find what was going on with my mom and it worried me.. when I went to visit them during that week time my dad took her into the emergency again... they saw a cardiologist because they thought she might have a leaky valve... everything checked out fine and her blood pressure was high... they asked her if she's been stressed out and she said imensly.. this whole situation is affecting my mom now and she's just really hurt and down about this.. my ex didn't bother to be there for me in either situation and didn't even know about the last emergency visit... it was very hard on me to see this now affecting my family... anyway... just wanted to add that because I didn't understand why she wasn't even there for me like I was for her the prior year during a death in her family and we even had about 50 people at our house that I didn't know after the funeral... I just don't get her one bit. Really hoping someone can help me out with all this... Thanks everyone.

Sorry for your misery, as I know your life looked so good on paper, and I can imagine you were quite happy, but the thing is, through no fault maybe of your own (or hers), that after a time she and you changed, because the situation changed. From what I can gather you moved pretty fast into this marriage relationship, and maybe did a bit too much, probably more for the sake of the baby. I think though that she may have been willing but unable to adapt to her circumstance in a positive way, so became unwilling to continue. There is your dilemma, her feelings changed, and she acted on it, and left. Happens a lot, as its easy to see things differently after life changing events like having a baby, it changes you, and while you became responsible she grew dissatisfied.

Now you both having gone through a lot have to adjust to being good parents as she tries to build her own life, and you rebuild yours. While its hard to accept right now, I strongly advise you to handle your business, and while you support your baby mama, give her plenty of space, she needs it to be independent. You need it to deal with your own issues, and they are many, without her.

Break ups/divorces happen all the time, and I know you feel rejected, isolated, and alone, but in time you WILL adjust, and do what's right, and what you have to for yourself, your son, and even your ex. I don't have much to offer as far as why this happened, but I can say you are hardly alone as reality throws us curves and reversals of fortune all the time and we cope with it.

I can say this is a good time to have a life without her being the focal point, and get some friends and activities you enjoy so you have some good things to look forward too. That's key in overcoming the emotional distress you find yourself in. Some good orderly direction to some good clean adult fun is the challenge before you as this is a life challenge to face, merely and obstacle to you finding your own happiness for yourself, as you grow and learn yourself.

Stay away from the temptation of replacing one female for another at this time, as loneliness is what makes being alone miserable, and creates more problems than you need right now. Just focus on healing, and rebuilding, because I think you as a man should be grateful for the son you created, and just because the traditional family setting is skewed right now, its still a family of sorts.

And reassure your mom. She is worried, so for her nothing but being positive from you sir, as you deal with your issues. She doesn't need you crying on her shoulder because your not a kid, though she will always see you as one, and when you hurt, so will she.

Just accept the ex for what she is, a young mom who wants an identity of her own and that's okay because seeing as you work at home, you have a lot of time for your son, even if you decide to downsize or move, or become a land lord.

Hey guy, look around, for all the chaos this situation brings, you still have a lot of options and opportunities to explore. More than most, and should be grateful for that. I think you will in time if you are patient, and honest with yourself. Geeeeez, even her family likes and supports you,
And that's a blessing in itself, trust me So it's a hurtful situation, but not all bad, not good, but not all bad!

So just handle your business, and do what's right, and what's needed, and besides your son, and family, make your own happiness a priority. Given time, I have faith you will, and hope this helps.

Josh--
Its time for you to move on. You trying to have some type of control on what happened isn't working. You need to stop getting her friends,family involved. They aren't going to be able to talk her into coming back to you. She has made her choice. I know you feel that you have hit bottom here due the break up and you mother being ill. So its time to pick up and get yourself together, especially for your son. Trying to do nice things isn't going to phase her, you can't buy her love. Shutting off phone and closing credit card was just a controlling issue for you. You showed her who has the power and money. It didn't bring her back, it made her respect you less. Im not saying that you are responsible for finances now, but you could have let her know that you cancelled those items before she went to grocery store.
Its your time to get your life back in shape, to be there for your parents ans son, don't try and go right into a new relationship. That would only bring on more drama that you don't need at this time. I know that you will aways sometime of contact with her, since she is mother of your child, but limit it to just picking up and taking him back to each of your homes. I would not go into any big discussions. And if anyone calls to update you on her where abouts and with whom just mention that's HER BUSINESS and not yours.
There is a woman out there who is done with party life style and ready for a family. Don't miss her because your so consummed with getting the wrong one back! Good luck

She is young and obviously is not ready to settle down and to be responsible for a family. Be glad you're not married to her. Let her find a job and date around a little, as she thinks beemers and excalades will be handed out by her every boyfriend. She took you and the nice lifestyle you were providing her and your kid for granted, but hey, that's her choice, now she has to live with it.

Move on and good luck. This girl has a lot of growing up to do.

Thanks everyone... you, I shut the card and phone down because my buddies had told me she was making out with some dude that night... I was devistated and jumped to conclusion... I know its not my business but I was so hurt to hear this after dating her for 4yrs. And doing everything I can possible for her... I kept my stressful job so I could provide the very best for her even though it came with tons of it (stress). I was not trying to get her parents involved... they would call me... stop by and talk to me and tell me that they are trying to talk to her and explain that she's leaving something very important... a great family with no finanical issues at this time.. a beautiful house, a beautiful son that will be affected, and of course the amount of love I have towards her. I just feel like she was the perfect girl and maybe sometimes I took her for granted because I thought a stay at home mom was a piece of cake when really she was busting her butt and I didn't see it because I'd lock myself in my office and work all day. Now that I'm responsible for everything here I realize what an idiot I was and how wrong I was to not appreciate all she did around here enough. IDK, I did really appreciate her but I just don't think she realized that... now I'm stuck here with a lot of hurt and no family around and no friends around... I make a huge mistake of taking the dive and moving out in the middle of nowhere for her because I was blinded by love I guess and didn't think we'd ever split or think of the consequences if we did... I'm definitely paying for it now.

Your going hell of a time. Stop beating yourself up. Its only natural that we think it has to of been someone's fault when a relationship ends. Sometimes its not any fault. People change either due to growing apart,wanting different things in life, etc. And yes sometimes we just grow so far apart that the love that we had for each other just isn't there anymore. Its painful,but with time that pain does ease. You did everything you could and she probably feels she need all she could, so stop blaming each other.
It won't hurt to talk to a counselor for yourself. It helps to get all this hurt off your chest.

Josh, you should stop blaming yourself. You are not responsible for her choices. A lot of people work day and night to provide for the family, and at age of 22 she was having a nice house and driving a nice car and was being able to stay at home with her baby - not many women can afford that nowadays.

She'll learn a hard way because she thinks that's how the world operates - you meet a man who treats you like a queen, is committed to you and showers you with nice things. Read some threads around here and see how rare this actually is, how many women are mistreated, cheated on and lied too. You deserve better.

This is a sad story. I think a lot of it has to do with her age and not being mature enough to handle the relationship and motherhood, especially while her friends were out partying. She wants and needs time to become independent and grow up. The most important thing now is that she focuses on being a good mother, and the two of you maintain a decent relationship for the sake of your son.

You are under a lot of stress now, between the break-up, your job, being away from home, and many more factors. You need to find ways to relax and enjoy yourself, while still taking care of your business and your son. It sounds like money is not an issue, so why don't you consider getting help around the house – hire someone to do the cleaning, yard work, or whatever needs to be done. Use your free time to enjoy your son and rebuild your life. You really need to take care of yourself – eat right, exercise, get enough sleep, and relax. Give yourself time to get over this. I'm sure there will be women lining up for you, but as everyone says now is not the time for that. First you need to figure out how to handle your change in circumstances, and you need to feel good about yourself and your life again.

I lived in California for 8 years. While I know it's not everyone's cup of tea, it has a lot to offer. I don't know what area you live in, but spend some time exploring it and the rest of California. Join some groups. Work out at a gym. There are lots of choices - but find ways to get out of the house. Good luck.

The situation is hard I know. I went through something close to that my wife was 17 years old when I met her. It’s not really the age it’s the maturity. Most 17 year old women are not thinking about marriage haven’t kids and settle down. I had to learn this the hard way.

Here is the deal she was to young and immature not ready for a family. You must cut her off. You now a single dad keep your house and all the things that could with it. It’s hard but you are doing this for you and your son.

She may want to come back because she will grow and mature and want all the things that you have provided. For her sake I hope that you will at that time find it in your heart to forgive her and take her back.

Thanks all for your responses... makes me feel a little better about things since I don't really have to many people to talk to... I don't want to upset my parents and cause health concerns and I feel like an idiot if I tell my friends all this stuff because I'm pretty embarressed that I am part of a failed family and I just feel so bad for my son especially and most of my friends don't have children so can't relate... It's not just a breakup in my eyes...

married guy... I can somewhat see where your coming from but she told me she was upset I never asked her... the sad part is I was really close to pulling the trigger... found a ring I liked... was talking it ovrr with her randomly when I brought up rings without her knowing what I was talking about and she said she really liked her moms 2 carrot ring and I decided.. okay, I guess I need to go bigger if that's really that important to her and decided to save a little more. Then all this came toppling down on me. Just depressin to say the least.

Its too easy to fall into the trap of blaming oneself for a relationship that seemingly felt perfect and yet fell apart so quickly. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. You always come up with the 'i should have asked this' and 'i should have done that' scenarios.. later. But that's where experience is gained and will eventually become a forsight in the future.

I really believe you need to focus on yourself and your son now. Because through all the uncertainty this is where he will learn from Dad how to hold himself with dignity and pride.

There are so many 'failed' families in this world. Don't make yourself a statistic. Rise above it. You will beat the odds if you believe in yourself. You can't use your family as a fallback for a cause or reason for the break down in your relationship.

Keep yourself busy and occupied with healthy alternatives. It won't happen overnight.. but eventually it will happen, and it won't hurt so much and you won't feel that hollow empty feeling in the bottom of your tummy or the dull thud of your heart.

Chin up, give lot of big hugs and kisses to your son and lots of love and for him you'll come through this a stronger man.

Good luck.

I didn't know there were so many great/kind people out there that don't know me from adam yet can give me and are willing to give me great advice and suggestions and spend the time in helping out someone they don't even know.. I appreciate all your thoughts everyone... this has defintiely helped me feel a little better at least temporarily. Thank you.. Now if I can somehow just act on this and move on... its hard to see my phone and not want to call her and hear her voice... very lonely and miss everything I had. Ahhhh.

Sometimes its easier to swallow a pill (in this case take advice) from someone you don't know than someone you do know, who you believe is only telling you what you want to hear.

So do you think I should buy her a car or let her deal with it since she left me?

I don't think you really owe her anything - you were not married, and she walked out of the relationship. You may want to seek legal advice on that though. You will have to pay her child support (depending on what your custody arrangements are), but other than that - save your niceness and your money for someone who'd appreciate what you have to offer.

Kind of what I've been told by pretty much everyone except for her and her parents. My son obviously needs transportation so that's what I'm concerned with. Ideas?

Give her a reasonable down payment (if you so chose) and let her do as she will. She gave up the privilege of depending on you to meet her needs and wants, when she left.

Talaniman Rule- Never allow an ex to make rules for what you do.

Talaniman Rule- When you break up, have the courtesy to revoke their relationship privileges.

Talaniman Rule-When they ask for a break, give it to them and do your own thing.

She wants an Escalade, let her pay for it. If you want to co sign for her to get what she wants, think long and hard on that one my friend. She has no means to live within, that's her problem to solve, not yours, and it shouldn't be on your dime.

She wants her independence. Now is a good time for her to show that. She can find a nice used car or even lease a car for very low payments. Let her parents co-sign for her. Your responsibility is to your child. That means having a parenting relationship with your ex, but you don't have to take care of her needs. You are going to be hit up for one thing after another if you keep thinking you have to help her out financially because it benefits your son.

Get an order for the visitation rights for your son and leave her to grow up and fend for herself.
She is obviously very immature.
Don't feel guilty. She is who she is so take care of you and her son. Let her parents co sign on a car for her. You have no other financial obligation to her but support for your son.
She does not sound to responsible as a mother so I'd keep my eyes open on that front as well.

This is actually getting funny... I told her I was going to find her a call this morning... she said she wanted to give imput... never called me back or anything. I found a decent car for a reasonable price 5K with reg. taxes, etc. Tried to call her to get her info.. no response, no text back, nothing. I think she's just trying to extend the oppottuniy to use me.. This is very embarrassing to say the least.

Don't get embarrassed, get mad. Mad enough to stop letting this woman child run your life.
Cut her off financially. You have no responsibility to her. She left you because she wanted to play. Let her play on her own dime and time. If she wants a fancy car let her pay for it herself.

In the long run you would be doing her a favor to cut her off. It's time for her to grow up and see how the world works, not be coddled by a man who is trying to do the right thing. Wouldn't you like a responsible mother for your child, not a user?

This is actually getting funny... I told her i was going to find her a call this morning... she said she wanted to give imput... never called me back or anything. I found a decent car for a reasonable price 5K with reg. taxes, ect. Tried to call her to get her info.. no response, no text back, nothing. I think shes just trying to extend the oppottuniy to use me.. This is very embarrassing to say the least.

You should be embarrassed being taken for a ride, if you let her. She seems to be pretty naïve, so watch out, she'll date around and will have her fun and in 6 months time she will be back begging to have her beemer and a nice house and devoted man like you footing the bill back. She's been with you since she was what, 20 yo? She knows nothing about men and relationships and is acting like spoiled brat. I don't care how attractive she is (or she thinks she is) - gorgeous women are getting dumped by losers every day.

Seriously, there are women out there who would kill to have a man like you. Give them a chance:)

She was actually 18... I thought she was 21 because that's what her myspace said at the time. I found out a few days later but thought she was extremely mature and even my family and friends did and we dated for just over 4 yrs.. I love her family and thought it was just a perfect relationship and we had everything needed as far as support from our families, friends and enjoyed eachother's company.. I honestly thought I couldn't have asked for anything better.. she was a great mom, etc.. Ya, I feel like I'm totally being taken for a ride.. I've tried contacting her just to even see when she is picking up my son this evening so I can get my plans firmed up to get out of the house. No calls, no contact... nothing.

You might find her attitude changes if you stand up for yourself more. Don't let her take advantage of you. As someone else said, she is going to be sadly mistaken if she thinks she'll find other men as nice as you. You seem like every girl's dream, but she's just too immature to realize it.

Don't put your life on hold for her. Build your new life and let her work out her own problems. Make her be accountable.

She did not grow up. She was with you and having a baby and now she wants to play. I can understand that, but she has a child and had a man but her immaturity allows her not to care. Her anger with you is that she probably feels you cheated her out of the fun she should have been having when she was younger. I'm surprised everyone thought it was such a good idea. At 18, an 8 year difference is pretty big.
Nothing you can do about it now but let her grow up, but she does not have to abuse you while she does it. This situation is really kind of sad.

As nice as it is to think other women are interested in me but its just really odd to me so soon... I don't find any interest in any women as if I was single... wish there was this much interest when I was single back in my younger days. This whole thing just really sucks and now all I can think about is my son isn't going to have a mom and dad who live together forever like I've gotten from my parents... guess all things aren't perfect in life.

josh284 : I wish I was every girls dream. Lol. One thing is for sure... seems like most of the very attractive women you meet these days are all about the dinero and being taken care of. It's like they see me doing it for her and once were done they al movein

Maybe you are looking in the wrong places. I know you aren't ready for a new girlfriend now, but when you are think of someone more mature, settled, and independent - maybe a career girl.

Still, that's in the future. For now, you need to figure out how to get your life back on track and how to be happy again. That starts with putting your foot down to her demands.

She may have had morals but she was
18, to young to be tied down and now she wants to play.
Next time find someone closer to your age, this way you will at least be on the same page.

So get her a car or no car? I ask for my escalade back and she says no... and my spare key magically disappeared. I know if I just called it in things would get messy.

You tell her to bring your car back, if she does not return it, you will report it stolen. If things get messy, they just do.
You tell her she either takes the one you've decided to give her or she gets nothing.
She is acting out of character. Is she on drugs you think?

I don't know... I've been asked the same question on the drugs from a family member of hers.. I don't know... its almost scarry but I would hope so because if this is just her, she is just a horrible person with no remorse.

You won't be a jerk for saying no.
You'd be a doormat for saying yes.

She's too busy busy with the other guy to bother speaking to you about a car.

Josh you need to reinstate that spine I'm afraid to say. There is nothing she can do that you can't fight for. There is nothing she can say that you can't ignore.

Seal up that paperwork for you to be allowed access to your son.

Believe it or not we women are very resourceful when it comes to having nothing. When we need a ride somewhere, we get it. If it means taking a train, bus, taxi or walking we do what needs to be done. And if she has friends I've no doubt someone would take her somewhere if needed. And if your son needs to be somewhere for an appointment or what not I'm fairly positive you'd be there to take him.

Stop being her whipping post and stand up for yourself. I personally believe you've got it in you to do it, you obviously have a successful business, perhaps apply some of your business accumen to this.

Take back your control. She's sucking you back into 'her' vortex.

Well, things took a drastic turn yesterday... I told her I was taking my car back and id report it stolen if she left with it and id drive her up with my son to her parents.. she grabbed him from me and put him in a stroller and said she was going to walk home... which is about 12 miles and is pretty much a highway in the back country. I told her if she does I'll call the cops because that becomes a safety issue and id expect her to call the cops on me if I were to do something drastic like that.. so I called them.. she called her mom and her mom was mad.. even though I reached out to her earlier that night asking if she would come over and make sure her daughter didn't get out of control again but she said she was busy... since I didn't know anyone as embarressed as I was, I asked the neighbor to come over and she came up with her friend when she pulled up and was trying to walk home anyway.. back to the story. Her mom wanted to talk to me while we were walking up the road so I talked to her and explained.. she was mad and said I could have called her? Unreall... because I did. So then.. she grabbed the phone out of my hand while I'm talking to her mom and the phone hit my kid in the head... not hard but made him cry and he has no business being hurt or upset by these actions. She seems to be acting strickly on emotion... now she said she called the cops today and that Im unstable even though her parents asked me to ask her for full custody. Now she won't allow me to see him and her parents are allowing her to keep him from me until we get court papers filed. I'm at a complete loss of words. After that... I was super down.. some other neighbors heard about it and had me for dinner last night and colombian food and football today to get me out of the house since I have nobody... then the other nieghbor that helped last night as a witness brought me dinner tonight.. I can't even begin to say how thankful I am to have such nice neighbors I really never took the time or got the chance to sit down and talk with.

Sounds like this girl is on drugs and her parents might know it. That, or her world as she knows it is crashing in and she is not coping well.
I would file for full custody of your son. In the meantime document everything that has gone on.

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Homegirl 50 again.

Absolutely agree document everything, pictures, statements the works cover yourself everywhere.

And be aware of the rank outsiding parents. They may agree with you but come the end of the day it's their grandson also... you just don't know where a curve ball may come in, she is their daughter.

If that episode doesn't motivate you to do what it takes, then nothing will. Handle your business, cry later.

I think you need to be careful for now. She seems a little unstable and I wouldn't trust her or her parents. They could easily lie about the events or future events, and it's your word against theirs. That was smart of you to get witnesses. Please see an attorney as soon as possible to get the custody straightened out, and to get his advice on her behavior.

If she is willing, it would be worth your while to get a counselor involved. You could use an objective third party to help set some guidelines and rules for the two of you to follow. She seems so emotional, but she needs to keep the best interest of her son first and foremost. She's obviously not doing that now. If she won't go, think about going yourself.

Good luck.

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Just Looking again.

Boy... you all were right.. saw her driving her mom's car the other morning home from her boyfriends I'm sure. Unbelievable how she still has no job, is now using her mom's car to go do her thing and I even wrote her a check for 5k just so I could stop being bugged about a car from her now that I took mine away. I did talk to a lawyer and have been debating on whether to go after full custody.. when the whole her trying to walk home incident happened the next day she told me she would have made it to her best friends house which is still 6-7 miles away down busy roads... absoutely crazy. Her parents told me they can't co-sign for a car for her so I've got to help her out.. wrote her a check and gave it to her... yet she still continues to be a jerk to me... I absolutely have no idea how she turned on me... I also had no idea that there were people in this world that are this mean and uncarring about others feelings and just try to hurt them. The day after the cops incident it was my night to have my son... she didn't allow it.. and kept him from me 2 nights that I was supposed to have him. We have been on an every other day schedule for almost 2 months and I told her that... she I heard her ask her mom.. mom we haven't been doing every other day have we... and she said no. WOW... how is this even possible to say? I think we did 2 nights on 2 nights off for 1 week out of the now 13 weeks today.

Get an attorney and fight for your son. This is a young manipulative woman and it looks like her parents will back her up.
You fight for your son. Get court order visitation. If she breaks it, go for full custody.

As I said earlier, never underestimate the will power of a woman. And her parents although understanding have now taken her corner as expected.

Time to put on them fightin' gloves. You're going to be in for a dancing good time. Time to drop that extra baggage and lean up for the time ahead. Its going to be rough.

All power to you.

Communication with her should be strictly business from this point. From what you said I feel like you took a step back giving her that 5k. Why do you owe a woman who has made your life miserable and put your child's safety in jeopardy anything? I say woman but she sounds more like a girl. You are 30 put your pants on and make your life what you want it to be, not what this girl is making it. At some point you are going to have to put the good memories behind you and realize what it is you really have with her. You can still be the nice guy and "speak softly", just remember to carry your "big stick".(I don't agree with that in terms of our foreign policy but it works for this situation)(T. Roosevelt). Hope this helps in some way. If not at least there is a history lesson at the end.

yep... so confused... we've been doing every other night and she also gets him all day.. I asked today for more time with him and she said 2 nights a week and 1 weekend day and night is plenty and fair? ***... how is that possibly fair when she has him from 8-5 every day and no job still? I tried talking to her about it today... it was the first time we have talked since the cops incident... and to be honest I was weak and told her that I do miss her and this is all just terrible how it turned out... Of course once I gave in.. I got treated 2x as bad and got screamed at. I guess I just really need to drop it and work on telling myself every minute that its over for good. One thing is for sure... when I'm over her, it will be for good because once I reach that point I stay strong and never look back. I just need to find a girl that is ready to settle down and have a family... I think that's all I'm really hurting about because I've enjoyed it for almost 2 yrs. And definitely don't want to be single too much longer. It's fun for a few weeks, but in the end, I will always want someone to come home to and make my house feel warm and not so empty as it does now.. this sucks.

You need to give yourself time to grieve this relationship first before you jump into another. Actually you need closure. You won't be able to commit yourself to another relationship till you've done so and in all fairness it wouldn't be fair to a new partner. You'll harbour resentment and instability and there would no doubt be trust issues as would be expected in any new relationship after a saddening one as yours.

You'll find that 'one' that will make your house feel like a home and you'll defy the odds and have a lengthy and fulfilling relationship, but like all good things, it'll take time. What you're looking for, most are also waiting for, its just a patience game.

Have you gotten a attorney yet?

You need time to heal from this, but you also need an attorney and get visitation straight so that it is not on her terms and her whim but court ordered.

Yes I have, but I have not moved on it yet. I've gotten al the paperwork filled out.. I am trying to get it all worked out between us before it gets costly.. Lately has been better but still wish I could see him more. Right now she has him from 8-5 every day and every othe rnight.. so I'm not being given the 50% time the court would for sure give me. If we can't agree on something more then I've really got no choice.

In reading your post, cost didn't seem to be a factor. You have already handed over 5K to her for a car. What did your attorney say to that? Since you never know when she is going to be in one of her moods and not let you see your son, why not have your attorney go full steam ahead.

I don't think you ought to give her by chance to worm her way back in or back you into a corner. Don't let her use your son as a pawn.
I would move now for court ordered visitation.

Cost would be a factor for her.. I'm trying to make this easy on her.. and I definitely don't want to blow hard earned money when it could be used for a college fund or something.. I keep hoping she will see the light and that I deserve to see him more. I've never been anything but a good father.

You have made it too easy for her, as have her parents. She is spoiled.
The more you give her the more she will expect. It is time for her to do what is right. You need to forget her and think of your son. This girl will drain you dry because she knows you love your son and your kind hearted. This is business now.
Take care of your business!

Im sure you are a good father. I was fully behind you wanting to see your son, felt terrible that she was controlling the situation.
However, after reading your last post, Iam little confused. You state that you don't want to blow hard earned money that could be used for college fund and that you want to make this easy on her.
For most people handing over 5K would be seem like you are already taking away from college fund. How would going full steam ahead trying to get visitation settled, so you have some type of control seem like blowing hard earned money.
You have posted that she doesn't seem to have control over her moods, and that you are just heartbroken that she is so controlling over when you can see your son. Yet you are now want to make it easy on her and hoping she will see the light. Believe me I am not trying to be harsh, just trying to understand why your going back and forth.

You are not dealing with a mature adult, you are dealing with a spoiled one.
Take care of your business, which is your son. Let her parents take care of her or make her take care of herself.
I would imagine she is counting on you giving in to her.

I keep going back and forth because of my feelings for her.. and hoping she will snap out of it. I see my friends get engaged who didn't have a stable relationship, but we did until the last two months out of nowhere. Just the deposit for the lawyer to start the process of custody is about 10K retainer... and it is $350 an hour after that... I think to myself... do I really want to blow that money and the horrible state of CA grant 50/50 anyway? My cousin got full custody in this state but he had to fight for it... very similar situation... he had a job.. she was living with her parents with no job, no transportation, and he was required to do all the driving to pick him up and drop him off.. finally he put his foot down and the state actually granted it to him... It's not like I want to take my kid way from his mother... but this behavior has me concerned... and her unwillingness to get a job. She said child care is around 2,500-3k a month for a provider to come to your house.. but why would I need that? There are good day cares around here that watch 4 children and are highly recommended by many in the area for $800 a month. Just blows my mind...

She is not going to get a job as long as she has you to take care of her. I hope you don't.
If you can put up with the sporadic way she will allow you to see your son, go ahead. I think she will do this to maybe get you to let her back in your house. I hope you don't do that.
If you can sit down with her and her parents and work out visitation that would be good but I would not trust her to do that. Get court ordered visitation, at least you will know when you will see your son.

When are you going to see she is manipulating you and using you for the money bags you have?

She isn't going to 'snap' out of it. She doesn't 'love' you. She sure as hell doesn't 'care' for you. Or Im missing something somewhere?

Honestly I don't think that brick wall you're butting your head against is going to go away anytime soon. Best you wake up and smell the roses because she's laughing at you and having a right ole' time at your expense.

You've been given solid advice from Homegirl & Answerme with getting it legalised. And the justice system in CA is as fair as any other I know of. I lived there for a while and knew of two families going through similar to what you are and one of the father's won.

So I guess it really does come down to you and what you take to the table and how badly you want full custody. So far I'd guess30/70 her favour. You've no fire in your belly to win it. You want to pacify her and try and save her the problems of being able to tough it out financially.

Who the hell cares? Hes your son. Fight for him. If it was me.. I wouldn't give a flying donkey's what my ex had to do to survive or try to defend.. I would fight and give the shirt off my back for my child. Damn anyone who'd want to use her against me. Family, friends or foes.

Stop thinking of her as when she was with you. That's not her anymore.

You are not together. You are not responsible for her anymore. You are responsible for you and your child.

If you allow your child to stay in this environment for the sake of money then I think you need to take a long hard look at yourself first.

OR

You are using the financial side of things as an excuse to not move forward. Hoping that things will work out and knowing if you take this first step you will be rejected for good?

You got it kaka67 on the second part... I just keep hoping she turns around and realizes what she's leaving behind her.. I know, I'm an idiot. Right now I have so much anger and sadness all the time just thinking about her with another guy. I think about it constantly and it really hurts every minute. That is the only thing that would make me have a tough time for accepting her back. Right now if she wants to watch him at her parets.. its a good environment there and she said if I asked for another day with him she would give it to me rather than threatening with court. I'm just so confused... Two different friends of mine got engaged in the last day (was odd to see one couple in Idaho, and one here) and I think to myself constantly.. just 2 months ago I thought I'd be engaged to this girl right now. It's the biggest mind f_ck thinking about it.. Just really bummed and hurt and mad all at once.

I just keep hoping

Yeah I think we all know about hope. Been there with the hoping myself.

But you got to take her on her actions now. Not what sweet things she said to you once upon a time... That's over. That's done.

I don't think anyone expects you to be a prize pric* to her as it is not needed but people just want you to put yourself and your child first for once. That means looking after yourself physically, mentally and financially.

You have to come to terms with the fact its over. Once you do that then the sensible, unemotional you will make the decisions needed :)

You two are not on the same page, probably was not at the beginning either. You were an older guy hung up on her and as an 18 year old she was I flattered, infatuated, then pregnant and now she is a spoiled 22 year old wanting to have fun.
That party is over. There is a child though.
Get the visitation situation with him settled and get over her.

You want to really be a good dad? Stop putting her, and her needs before your son, and YOU.

We all have feelings dude, and this is your first experience with this parenthood thing. Heck you probably still finding out what you, and your own human limits are.

Stop worrying about her and her cars or dates or whatever, you worry about getting your own head together because that's what your son needs most from you now, and whether its 50% custody, Or whatever the courts decide, you are still 100% dad, and parent. Get this in writing through the courts, so you will have rules and guideline clearly defined that you both have to live within.

She needs anything beyond that (car, job whatever), let her get them on her own.

You cannot control another, ( good or bad, now matter how well intentioned) so stop trying. Once you get that through your head, you will find decisions based on facts, and not just feelings, a lot simpler to make.

Well.. I know I haven't posted on here in a long time but wanted to get everyone's opinion. Things continued down the path they had and her parents kicked her out of the house and made her go live in their rental house and get a job which she did... well, then a month later I found out she moved my son into another county with her boyfriend.. which I found out throuhgh a friend. I then filed an emergency hearing asking for full custody as well as drug testing and the where abouts that my son is living. Well... after her mom telling me I needed to get temp full custody, guess who shows up? Her mom and a lawyer in which they got everything I asked for denied by the judge and we were sent to mediation. It really pissed me off because I had heard she was just doing drugs a few days prior and an insider told me she begged her parents for a lawyer which she got. They also sat across from me in court and asked me to pay 3k in lawyer fees for the 5 minute hearing which was insane and also cover all her attorney fees... when I didn't even have one. So.. we went to mediation and met with the mediator whom was pretty grumpy to say the least. I brought all my documentation and tried to go through it in which he called me a manipulator when I was just trying to show that there is a pattern of bad behavior on her part. He then yelled at her for only wanting our son on the week days when she puts him in daycare and doesn't work (she only held her job for about 2 weeks I would guess)_ and our son has been in daycare for 6 months now. She then argued with him about the drug testing that I was requesting and she wouldn't agree to it until the mediatior said the judge will likely ask for it. Finally she did... then came discussing jobs in which she said she's not working nor plans to... and the mediator asked if you just expect to not work and him pay for everything.. that's not fair. She actually asked.. I just have to show I'm looking for a job right? I couldn't believe it... he then asked us some questions and recommended a 50/50 and denied again my right to know where my son lives. I then decided it was time to find out and paid for some investigative work to be done... found out she lives on Joshua Court (which is my name and very fitting for the situation) and was probably to embarresed to tell the courts. The other thing I found out is her boyfriend had his house raided just as a friend had told me she thought had happened... which was true and he was charged with controlled substance. He got a lawyer, then entered a guilty plea in march and is getting sentenced on July 22nd which my lawyer knows about. I've written a letter recently to the courts and am going to be letting the mediator know that there is still a pattern going on and this **** is a bit ridiculous that they would allow me not to know and have him living where he is without even looking into it. I've debated taking my journal and submitting it to the court as well as sending it out to everyone in her family as well as her bf's just because I want everyone to know what a piece of **** she is. Its actually pretty amazing what an investigator can find out these days... My lawyer is telling me we can't go back into court until she keeps messing up which she has by not letting me have him on my court ordered time with him on my birthday, and showing up an hour late with him and not allowing me to talk to him on the phone during court ordered time... now they are after more child support and due to me making more the last year than I am now, between my child support payment and my house payment, I'm not going to have any money for untilities, expenses or anything and apparently they don't take in to account that she has no expenses. I feel like this is just going the absolutely wrong way...

You are just getting started in the legal system, and you should hang in there, no matter how its seems to go. You must overcome many obstacles before you get to your final goal, custody of your son. Don't be discouraged, no matter what they throw at you to quit. They will throw everything and the kitchen sink. Expected it, deal with it, and persevere.

It's a process, that takes its own time. Your son will be grateful someday you took the time.

Well... we got the police report of the raid on the boyfriends house (now husband) apparently as of this last weekend. Also.. she failed a drug test... I sure hope this court system starts working in my favor. This last year has been HHHHEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLL!!

I hope things work out for you.
Thanks for keeping us posted.

You just keep hanging in there.

You, I just keep wondering if its ever going to pay off going through all this court stuff. I asked people on this legal forum if they ever thought I'd have a chance at full custody based on all these things and I got rude responses saying no and one person even said I don't think either of you are responsible enough to have a child... I was appolled.

Try our law forum, and stick with facts, not feelings.