I am a 56 yr old man with a wonderful woman for a wife and two beautiful teenagers. My wife and children love me very much. I quit drinking, as it was a big problem, some eight or nine years ago. I have a very bad lower back and have had surgeries that helped a bit but destine me to narcotic pain relief, probably for life. I enjoy many things in life and do have one or two close friends but don't like most people. I find their selfish beliefs and attitudes are very hard for me to swallow. I think I am a nice guy going out of my way to assist anyone who needs a hand but not to the extreme. Despite all this I feel insecure most of the time and even outright paranoid around certain individuals or even types of individuals. When I feel I have been wronged I go all out to let that person know he/she has done something wrong. I have put myself in bad situations, even if I was correct in my assessment of the situation, by saying or doing things that make me look "crazy." For instance, I have been banned from a local private club because I called an overweight and homely girl a "cow" after she did and said some very nasty things to my daughter. If it makes a difference I did not call the girl this name to her face but I did text it to her cohort who was in on the hurtful things they did and said to my daughter. He brought the text to a player in this drama who has influence at the club.

I also yell allot at people who cross me or want things their way when I know they are only looking out for themselves rather than the bigger picture of those around them. It makes my family, and myself eventually, feel embarrassed and I know it is, at the least, self-defeating for me but I just don't seem to be able to stop myself when my heated brain begins to react. Sometimes I do not yell but would if the person was nearby. I also lecture people when I feel they have wronged me. For instance I had a vehicle for sale recently. A fellow came to look at the vehicle and decided to purchase it. He gave me a check and arranged to pick it up within a day or two. The next morning I received an email where he reneged on the deal. Between the time he gave me the check and the email I deleted all of my online advertising, cancelled two appointments for fellows to look at it the next day and even paid a bill I did not really have the money to pay based on this fellows agreement to buy and his giving me a check. Well needless to say I was very angry. I emailed the fellow back and chastised him for not being a responsible person saying that even my teenagers knew better than to agree to do something and then back out because it became inconvenient for them. The man attempted to apologize to me and even offered to pay any fees incurred due to having to relist the vehicle. I was so angry and out of control that I would not accept his apology and refused his money because "that was not the point." Now I feel embarrassed and awful that I did not accept the fellows apology and foolish for not accepting his fee reimbursement. I did not accept these things because I was so out of control and just felt obsessive about "Showing him." This behavior occurs quite frequently with me and has become quite harmful to whatever reputation I have left. I have had extended bouts of depression over these and similar acts of behavior. Sometimes I am ashamed to show my face in public after they occur. I want to change but have no idea how to go about it. I have tried to talk to friends or family about it but it seems the more I talk about these or similar situations the more upset I get. In bygone days I tried to self-medicate with drugs or alcohol but that did not work. I want friends, I want to be nice to people. I want to be a compassionate, understanding, and empathetic person. However when it comes to these behaviors I just do not know what to do. By the way, while I do not blame my father (I take full responsibility for my behavior) he was the same way as are at least two of my five brothers. Can anyone out there help me to overcome this terrible affliction? Please !

In my world,the common factor between you and I would be the pain meds.

They set me off.I can run wild in the mouth over the smallest things, and after settling down,rethink what it was that had set me off.. 99% of the time it was nothing at all,just my attitude about nothing at all.:(

Treatment and learning coping skills,finding a new path for your mind to take for the relief you undoubtedly want? NA meetings.

Finding those who do/say and live the same way as you do, who better than your peers to offer advice to you?

Want this to end,really end?Try going to a meeting or 2(actually,90 meetings in 90 days.)

Try different non narcotic pain meds,I know back pain,I know meds(all too well),many in recovery who are members of this site can chime in with their input, but for me,this is my input.

Anger is an option,and in all actuality,we are entitled to have anger,it isn't a negative action.. abuse of the anger,when it's not justified, that is where there might be a problem.

If you are honest,open minded and willing,there are MILLIONS of people who have found relief from this exact situation you are in.I suggest you give it a try.

KBC

KBC, thank you for your input. While I understand the need for sobriety I know I have done everything I can do in that regard. I quit drinking eight years ago and at the same time gave up any illicit substance abuse. I attended the recommended 90 in 90 and then a whole lot more. The narcotic pain relievers I currently take are 100% necessary ( I'll explain in a minute). They are managed through my wife (An RN) and I try my hardest to take them less than prescribed but never more. They are time released and taken at a max every 12 hrs. I do not feel nor have the loved ones around me noticed any change in behavior or attitude (high). We are very very careful with their use. I was in a skydiving accident back in 1994 and crushed my L-5 vertebrae, left ankle and a host of other stuff. I have had numerous surgeries just to get me to where I can walk somewhat upright again. The pain has always been there but in the past five or six years I have developed the added problem of arthritis. During the first eight years or so I took nothing stronger than an Ibuprofen. I still take I today; 1600 mg per day as prescribed. I have seen several specialty physicians to seek out solutions from surgical to physical rehab. I have tried electrical simulators; both topical and installed in my spine. I have tried several different types of injections several different times. In other words I have tried everything ever recommended to me to alleviate the pain. The only thing that works, and it does not work completely, are these pain relievers. Without them I will sit on the couch for the rest of my life; a very very very depressing thought for a guy who just wants to have some sort of life.

I appreciate your input. I really do! There are, however, real people out there with real problems that are not controlled by an NA or AA meeting. While the spiritual aspect of these programs has a draw for me they offer nothing with regard to what I do about intractable pain or this lifelong affliction that was present in my life long before I took my first took on a joint or my first swig of alcohol. My problem was present before then and remains in effect today; after eight years of sobriety. I have done a great deal of self-reflection and research on this issue and know through that and personal experience that AAers and NAers believe that drugs or alcohol is always the only problem. "Get clean and everything else in your life gets better." That's a real nice mantra but it is just not the reality. As I said this affliction I have is an all encompassing issue that has been there all my life. It may, in fact, have been the reason I turned to drugs and alcohol to begin with. At this time in my life I am beyond the sobriety issue as I do not drink or drug and have absolutely no desire to do so. What I want and need now are real solutions to an underlying issue, not a symptom of it.

Again, thank you so much for taking time out of your day to attempt to help me. I really do appreciate it very much.

Brian

OK,take away the variables as you have and what is left?You!

The underlying anger issues, rigidity,etc, they all spell something more than just the variables involved in drug/alcohol abuse/use.

Chronic pain does cause mental stress,lifelong chronic pain needs life changing thinking.

Not all AA/NA people think as you think they do,I don't,I don't prescribe to just taking away a chaos factor and all is well.There has to be a reason people like me turned to the use of chemicals for relief... etc.

Like you,my focus for the last X years has been internal,looking inside for the reasons,identifying them,realizing I am not totally powerless over them,and taking the necessary steps to cope with them,or outright work them from my system altogether.

Part of that process required the 12 steps,but not all.

New question for you.

Have you seen any psychiatric doctors, psychiatrists,psychologists,cognitive therapists,etc.

If so,were you WILLING to do what they suggested?

I only ask this because if you are willing to write in here for advice,how far are you really willing to go to feel better?It takes more than just words to make it in the meetings,it takes more than words to make it in recovery,it'll take more than words to do what you are asking here also.

Hi KBC, thanks again for taking time out of your day for me. I wanted to let you know that I really do understand that not all 12 steppers are the same. I had a sponsor who was just the most wonderful guy in the world. He was freakin tough on me but I knew why he was and that is exactly what I needed. As most of us users are I was a cry baby always spouting about some resentment I had or how someone had screwed me, or why AA people were so screwed up. Mr. I am smarter than everybody (that was me) etc. etc. You know what I mean. He would just patiently listen and then push me in the right direction. A great guy who passed away a few years ago. I honestly thought of him as the father I never had or at least wished I had. Never did find another AAer like him so eventually just went in my own direction.

I always had a feeling that there was or must be more to this than just the drinking etc. Then, instead of accepting that I was powerless and all that letting God take care of it stuff I slowly realized that God has given me all the things I need to work on and hopefully solve the puzzle of who I am and why as well as what I want to be and how. I don't want to get bogged down in what others do but that letting go and letting God stuff seems to say you don't have to work it and that is just what a huge amount of AAers, and NAers do. Those sorts of folks, in my experience, seem to just float along year after year with no real improvement in their lives with the exception of being sober, which I admit is a hugely important and a significant thing to do for yourself and those around you. You won't get any argument about that with me. But the point is, I cannot be that way.

With that in mind let me say that because I am a pig head or whatever you want to call me I honestly did not see that I had this, for lack of a better way to say it, temperament problem until just the last few weeks. I don't even know what got me thinking about it other than I was sitting awake one night and started thinking about arguing. I was thinking about all the times I had pushed people away by insisting (loudly and punishingly) that I was right and they were wrong. From politics to how to make a pot roast and from being responsible to how to drive a stupid nail I always have to be right. If you disagree I will make sure you don't ever disagree with me again. I know there is insecurity in there and am sure I will have to look at that in the future but for today it has to do with the level of anger. But I digress. What I was trying to get at is that yes, I am now open to seeing a professional and following through on his/her therapeutic requests. In fact I located, through my insurance, an anger management specialist ( a Licensed Clinical Social Worker) in my area and saw him for the first time this past Saturday. I intend to see him weekly until further notice. While our first meeting was just paperwork and getting the basics of the problem out there so we can start somewhere I have noticed a difference in me already. I am aware of something now. I was driving home and would not let myself get aroused by the other drivers' "mistakes". What's weird is that I can almost see a peaceful me in the future, almost. But I know I have a huge amount of hard work ahead. I am convinced it will be worth the effort. I honestly want the people that meet me from this day forward to say "Now there goes a nice guy. He never says a bad word about anybody. He listens and makes you feel as though your thoughts count. He believes in justice. He is willing to rethink a position and change it if warranted. and He always has a smile close by." It seems to me, KBC, that these and statements like these are the sorts of things everyone should aspire to be said about them. I hope I am correct in that. If not, I do recognize that what really counts is what one says about himself when the lights are out and the head is on the pillow. I just want to be able to say at those times that I treated people today in the same way that I would want them to treat me given the same variables. I hope that means I treated them fairly, quietly, and with dignity. I hope I have treated you that way. Yes words have meaning but action means so much more. I agree that hard work and tears are up and coming. While I do not relish the thought, I do relish the possibilities. So, I will work---Hard and realize that this is what it takes to have what I want--peace and the love of those around me.
Thanks again!
Brian