My husband just left me on christmas day. He said that the reason for is because he said that when I get ddrunk I am always comparing him to my ex husband. ( I honestly don't remeber) and that this time I hurt him really bad. I tried to apologize but that didn't work. We have 2 children together and have been married for 5 yrs. He said that every time that he sees me he feels anger because he remembers everything that I told him. I have no feelings for my ex husband at all. I have cried and begged but he still says that he is never going to get back with me. I have seen him everyday since he left, but he has been very short with me. When he left he gave me his wedding band and the house keys and 2 days later I gave him the keys back he gave them back to me and I returned them to him and the end he kept them. When he is around his brother he just acts so different than when he is alone. What could or should I do to show him that I am very sorry and that I want him to come back home. Do you think that there might be a chance? Is it just anger talking or could he really be serious? Please advise me on what I should do.

Honestly, it could be both. The best advice I can give you is to do all that you can, and if that's not enough, what more can you do?

You did hurt your husband very badly. It's hard enough being a 2nd husband, but to be compared to the first all the time, well, that may be too much to handle.

Whether it was comparison in a good way or comparison in a bad way, it's still comparison and not healthy in a relationship. Unfortunately saying sorry isn't enough. Did you not realize what you were doing? Has he never brought it up before? Did you take him for granted and figure you can just continue cause you thought he'd always be there no matter what you did??

Don't just say you're sorry, show him. Work on yourself and being a better partner. Make yourself someone he wants to come home to.

If he decides to come back, which I think that he is only trying to get his point across, try not to compare him with your ex. From my point of view, guy's DO NOT like that.

You may not realize it, but what you are saying - when you compare him to your ex - is that you would have been better off with him or you want to be with him. Listen: You remind me of my ex; what does that make you think?

Yes, I know Usher said it in a song. That was in a different way, as monincali said.

You have to accept him for who he is and let him know that he is like non-other. Of course, you may mean what you say, only find another way of saying it.

For example, instead of saying "you remind me of my ex," say what he does that reminds you of your ex, e.g. you talk too much or you never say that I love you. You shouldn't beat around the bush with your husband.

He loves you and obviously, has put a lot into this relationship and wants to give it all he's got. But, just don't push him; if he say's stop, stop.

Everyone can understand that people are not perfect. But being perfect is not all about NOT doing anything wrong, but being able to clear things up when you do wrong.

Hope this advice will keep the two of you together!

REFERENCE(S)

1. Rinatta Paries, 2003. Relationship - Don't Compare Partners (http://www.e-nterests.com/familyhtml/dontcomparepartners.php)

Do you drink a lot? Does he drink a lot? You have 2 children together, married for 5 years and all of a sudden decides to leave on Christmas day. That is low in my books. That is not reason to leave somebody and if there was a problem it should have been looked after and both should have been willing to do counseling, but it sounds to me that he gave up too soon and too early and maybe there is somebody else? Just a thought. As far as apologizing and him making you feel bad. Well, honestly if he is willing to give up so easily then maybe it is not worth trying to hold on. Honestly the tighter you hold on the harder you try might push him even more further. Counseling is definitely needed. If he does not want to work through things then you know something is up for sure.

Joe

Hello. I wrote last night about needing advice. Now I am more confused. To to recap the situation. My husband left me on christmas day. We have been married for 5 yrs and have 2 kids together, I have 3 kids from a previous marriage and he has 1 from a previous relationship. He said that the reason that he left is because I hurt him really bad when I compared him to my exhusband. I was drunk when this supposedly happened. I don't even make my ex husband in this world he is not even around for his kids. My husband told me that is the 5th time that this happens. I honestly think that he is making this up. So he left but I have seen him everyday either because I call to ask him for money for the kids or he comes to pick up or drop off the kids. At first he wouldn't even talk to me at all and now he makes small conversation that has nothing to do with the children. Is he really serious about not wanting anything to do with me anymore if so why is he acting the way he is. Why does he do favors for me? Wouldn't he just try to stay away for at least a couple of days? What do you think I should expect from all of this. I really do love him with all my heart and would love for him to return home but I also need to know what I should expect from all of this. I don't want to be getting false hopes. He has done a lot of things that have hurt me but I always forgive him because I love him. People tell me that if he really loves me he will return. I know that is true but his parents are always telling him to leave me because I had 3 children from a previous marriage. I think that they are telling him things now. When I get my children back to day should I just stop calling him all together to see how long it takes him to call me? Please help. All advise is greatly appreciated.

Your husband is either:

a) Very hurt and has enough respect for himself to not tolerate your verbal abuse.

- or -

b) He is playing games and trying to make you feel bad.


If he's operating from premise A, I would volunteer to stop drinking to excess and ask him to forgive you and try again on a new footing.

If he's operating from premise B, I would suspect that your relationship has other problems and you both probably need to see a counsellor to help sort through your issues.


In either case, if doesn't want to work on the marriage - consider the relationship over and move on, and remember this behavior for the future.

Stop drinking. Get counselling.

I have to agree with OG. STOP DRINKING. It sounds as though you may have a problem.

You don't remember, that is called a black out and really a wake up call.

My husband once called me his ex, and it was the last time he ever did.

You have children, what kind of example are you setting for these children?


is he really serious about not wanting anything to do with me anymore if so why is he acting the way he is.

Because he wants to be the adult in front of his children and not teach them that their mother is a bad person even though he might think that. Pretty mature in my books.


Why does he do favors for me?

Because he truly cares about his children? Hmmm.


what do you think I should expect from all of this.

I think you should learn from your mistakes and stop drinking.


I have no feelings for my ex husband at all.

Apparently you have some feelings or you would not be comparing the two while you are drunk. Yes, I said drunk.


I have seen him everyday since he left, but he has been very short with me.

Do you blame him?


what could or should I do to show him that I am very sorry

How about stop drinking?

I know I sound very harsh, and I am. But there are children involved. What kind of example are you setting for these children?

This is a terrible situation, if you want to show him that you are changing for the better then get help. Join AA, get into counseling, go to rehab. But what you have exhibited here is not a very solid relationship that you believe in.

Alcohol brings out the "true" person. Apparently you have some feelings for your ex that are within your subconscious that you need to deal with.

For the love of your children, stop drinking.

Maybe you should slow down on the amount you drink, and give him some time to think about what has happened. If you love him show him, don't hurt him with forgotten words. A lot of people say things when they drink that they don't remember the next day. Get off the stuff.

he said that the reason for is because he said that when i get ddrunk i am always comparing him to my ex husband. ( I honestly don't remeber) and that this time i hurt him really bad.

At least you are starting by trying to get help.

But typing for help and ACTING on advice are 2 very different things.

You said some mean things to him and you don't remember what they were.

Well, perhaps the BIG problem here is your drinking.

Want to get back with your husband?

Then show him you are truly sorry and get involved in AA. Go to every meeting, and prove to him you are willing to get sober.

Until then, what else do you expect?

I wouldn't want to be married to an alcoholic who refuses to get help and says hurtful things to me when she goes and gets dunk.

I would also sue for full custody.

But if you don't want to go down that road and really want to get back with him, then get yourself into AA and STOP the drinking.

First things first, Do whatever it takes to stop drinking. It may not solve all your problems, but you will be able to make sober decisions.

Well I have read the comments that you have left for me and I thank all of you. I just want to let you know that I don't drink often when I do it is on a holiday or a special occasion. And if he does come back home or if he doesn't I am going to stop drinking completely. It is not worth it. Today once again he told me that he loved me but that he doesn't want to work on trying to solve this problem. That really hurt me and I deserve it but it also made me realize that I can't keep begging him and asking him for forgiveness. I know that I made a huge mistake but life isn't going to end due to it. Even though it feels like it is. I am not going to call him anymore. He could call when he wants to see the kids. I think that it is best this way. What do you guys think?

Honestly, I think your husband is trying to find the easy way out. Now I know that a lot of people have been putting a lot of this blame on you but I think they are off base. For somebody to get up and leave because of some apparent comments that you do not even remember saying is a red flag to me. I think he needs to wake up but you are doing the right thing by not calling anymore. If he does not want to fix then that tells me that he wants an easy way out of the marriage. I do not understand why no one else on this board sees that. Anyway, I think that is the best thing. He can call if he wants to see the kids, you do not need to apologize. It is obvious to me that he wanted the OUT.

Joe

Joe,

I believe the reason we are placing the blame on her is because she indicated that this is not the first time she has gotten so drunk, insulted her husband and then, not remembered.

If this was the first time, then perhaps husband is looking for a way out.

But how many times does this have to happen before the husband says enough is enough?

I refer to this part of her post:

my husband just left me on christmas day. he said that the reason for is because he said that when i get ddrunk i am always comparing him to my ex husband.

Note: the word always



Mruiz10,

Good for you. Giving up drinking is a start.

But if you really want to get back with your husband, show him you are serious by taking a positive action such as going to AA.

You have to show him you are willing to change, not just another empty promise.

Even if you really mean it, how can he really know you are telling the truth this time.

Well its me again. I just wanted to let you know that we worked out our differences and he is back home. We have agreed that neither him or I am going to drink again. Thank you for all your advice when I was in need.

That's why we are here, and glad things are working out.