My husband has two children from his first marriage and we have a child together and I'm pregnant again and we fight all the time we never get along anymore we fight over the kids money and helping each other on cleaning the house. Well my husband thinks that just cause I'm a stay at home mom that I should do spring cleaning everyday that's my job cooking cleaning and taking care of the kids and all he has to do is go to work he can't even pay the bills because he doesn't like calling people. I'm thinking about leaving him but he says if I leave I can't take my son and it scares me and I don't know what to do I have no job no car and I might be lucky if I can move back in with one of my parents. I need help to figure this out.

First and foremost - he CANNOT keep you from taking your child with you if and when you go. That is a matter for the Court to decide some time in the future but unless you are a danger to the child, he cannot prevent you from moving with the child. Of course, if you're going to another State the Court may very well object. For the meantime, you can take the child and go.

You have to decide what is best for you and why this is a problem now. Are you sick with this pregnancy, upset, worried, anxious? Does the pregnancy "color" everything else?

Or are you simply tired of listening to a husband who won't help out, can't pay the bills?

Have you tried talking to someone about this - perhaps someone in Church, perhaps a counsellor? Maybe your ob/gyn can help you.

If you don't work - and I do appreciate that you have a child and are pregnant - why is cooking and cleaning a problem? Many work work AND cook and clean - are there some side issues here? Is your husband impossible to please?

I think we need to know a little bit more.

Leaving your marriage is a very big step! You are going through some tuff times right now. Your pregnant and emotions are very powerful right now. Your husband could be going through some difficults times also. He could be stressed out on how to support four children and still be able to let you be a stay at home mom. Economic times we are in right now are very stressful for any family. If you know your husband doesn't like doing the bills then what would it hurt you to take those over.
Being a stay at home mom is hardwork. But there are plenty of woman that would like the ability to have that choice. There are a lot of women that work outside of home for 8hrs or so and still have to come home, cook,clean and do laundry, and also be mom while doing all those things. Why don't you approach your husband and say to him that you don't mind being a home mom, but he will need to chip in with maybe doing the laundry and in return you should be able to get the rest done or kids are fussy you will have to wait for him to watch them while you finish house chores. Good luck

Oh I don't have a problem cooking or cleaning I just don't like the fact that my husband and the kids can trash the house and then expect me to clean up after them everyday and I mean they like to trash the house I have cleaned my house many of times and its clean for one day and they come home from work or school and trash it I tell them to clean up their mess but they ignor me all the time and give me attutide and say that I should do everything around the house

Does your husband stand up for you when the kids backtalk? You are raising all of the kids - yours and his?

YIKES!

He tries to stand up for me but he doesn't like looking like the bad guy so in return I look like the bad guy and everyone hates me just cause I want them to pick up after themselves and not talk back or beg for things I know its hard having one income coming in and that's why I want the kids to learn that they can't always get what they want and that they have to keep their own rooms clean and put their toys away and I have been with my husband for 4 yrs and married for 1 yr and I have been cooking for them cleaning up after them and helping them with everything for 4 yrs while my husband sits down and plays video games and ignors me and the children

Would he be willing to go to marriage counseling? Are you willing to go to counseling?

Oh I have told him I want to go but he doesn't like them. But he said he will try and do it for the marriage but he's not trying as hard as I am to find someone

How old are the kids?

8 yr old step daughter almost 6 yr old step son and my 1 yr old son who I do pick up after my step children still to this day say that their mom always cleans up their mess and does everything for them but what she doesn't understand is if you do everything for them they will never learn to take care of their own stuff

8 yr old step daughter almost 6 yr old step son and my 1 yr old son
How creative are you? Make a game of picking up/cleaning up after yourself. Put the toy box or a big box in the middle of the living room and turn the picking-up chore into a scavenger hunt. Make up a picking-up song to the tune of "Row, row, row your boat" or some such easy song to sing. Turn it into a game -- "It's time to put in all the toys that have red on them" and "Now, let's put away all the round toys" -- so that picking up can also be a learning activity. Even little kids can help to make beds. Can you figure out how? Singing and talking through it and laughing will get everyone through their chores very happily.

Make sure you have permanent places for things -- shelves for books, a box for small toys, another box or shelves for larger toys, etc. Open shelves are good because the child can see the toy and then put it away.

Enlist their help when housecleaning -- even little kids can shove the vacuum around or empty wastebaskets or take food out of grocery bags. (Of course, you will show them how to do things the right way, using your creative magic and ultimate patience, so that e.g. wastebasket contents don't end up on the floor -- so more mess for you to clean up.) Have a job chart, but create it with their input and help. Use stickers or some visual way to show completion of a chore. Kids love to be like Mommy and Daddy and do "big person" work, so be open to possibilities.

If you just stand in the kitchen and yell orders to everyone, I wouldn't get excited to pick up after myself either, so be careful how you approach this. Yelling is evil. Making chores fun is most of the battle. And be sure you know exactly which chores need to be done and which can slide for a day or two -- but be consistent.

If you can get the kids into a good habits now, they will be much better teenagers.

So if you leave the marriage you think that will correct everything? Even if you get rid of him and his two children from previous marriage you will still have to pickup after kids, because you will still have your own two. Kids are make messes and yes I agree that they need to learn to pickup after themselves, but good luck because your going to have an on going argument with your kids till they move out and get their own place. So say you divorce, are you planning on staying single for rest of your life? You may get something a hell of worst then what you have, its not always greener on other side, and you next set of step children may be more handfuls then the ones you have now!!

So if you leave the marriage you think that will correct everything? Even if you get rid of him and his two children from previous marriage you wil still have to pickup after kids, because you will still have your own two. Kids are make messes and yes I agree that they need to learn to pickup after themselves, but good luck because your going to have an on going argument with your kids till they move out and get their own place. So say you divorce, are you planning on staying single for rest of your life? You may get something a hell of worst then what you have, its not always greener on other side, and you next set of step children may be more handfuls then the ones you have now!!!


I question your advice on several levels - yes, kids make messes but I fail to see an ongoing argument with these (or any other kids) "until they move out and get their own place." Who is the parent in your house?

And divorce - if the OP is ready for one: staying in this marriage because the next one could be worse doesn't sound like very good advice to me. Be unhappy because you could be unhappier?

It sounds like the OP and her husband have to learn to work together - and that's why I suggested counselling.

And, oh, for the record - I was married with stepchildren, my husband died, I am remarried with stepchildren. All children are not impossible to live with, even if they aren't yours biologically.

I do not believe that this marriage is over, nor do I advocate for her to get a divorce, but realize that this marriage maybe resolved, and that problems don't go away just removing the husband and step children. I also believe that counseling would be wonderful. Also I do not, nor did I state that living with step childrent is impossible, I merely was trying to have her open her eyes and appreciate what she has before ending a marriage===thank you

I think you need a friend, or relative to help you through this pregnancy, who can run behind kids, and the big baby you didn't raise yourself (your husband)!!

I think its crap to expect you to do it all by yourself with you being pregnant for the second time in a couple of years. Yeah a no nonsense person to help will also give you support and understanding and that's what any pregnant female needs plenty of.

See I've been unhappy most of the time for the last 3-6 months and I'm only 4 months pregnant with a 1 yr old I just feel like me and my husband fight too much and I know its not good for the kids to see us fighting and I'm not sure my family says try and work on it and if it gets no where then I have to think about me and my son and what best for us but I don't know sometimes

There is no shame in needing help. That's what's best for you and your kids.

I would say that it's time to lay down the law. No household can thrive on resentment, anger, frustration and chaos, regardless of who brings in the bacon.

Children need to be parented. If your husband thinks that putting in his 8 hours a day, then playing video games when he gets home, essentially dialing out, is okay, it is because you have low, or no, expectations.

If your children are running the house with their attitude, and nobody is stepping up to correct that attitude, you can accept more of the same. Kids aren't going to voluntarily decide to help out and clean up their mess if they don't have to, they are just kids.

In the meantime, I would insist on marriage counselling, even if just to establish that, regardless of who brings in the income, it takes TWO parents to keep on top of the demands of raising a family. Most of what counts doesn't revolve around the almighty dollar. Discipline, routines, chores, behaviour limits and consequences, respect. These are things that you signed up for when you decided to do this full time. Having children and raising them means having your husband on the same page. He needs to put down the game controller, and change a few diapers.

If you can get into counselling and get eachothers expectations out there, and work on compromise, and forge a united front, your job will be that muc easier. Your kids will be happier and healthier, and your husband will likely enjoy less stress, less arguing, and a happier family all the way around.

Decide on things together, like consequences for bad behaviour in the kids, and chores. There are always age appropriate chores that kids of any age are capable of, do a little research online. Agree to a plan together to get everybody working on the family as a whole. You can seek out parenting classes with other parents in the same boat, and gain knowledge and confidence to bring some order to your life, and your families lives as well.

The longer you allow bad behaviour to rule your life,the longer it will go on, and get worse. Unchecked behaviour in 8 year olds will result unchecked behaviour in 15 year olds, and by then, it will be unbelieveably difficult to correct.

Set some expectations, line up support, and take charge. Nobody, including children, can take advantage of you without your consent.

Oh I believe in everything you say and I agree and I have set the law down but no one wants to listen to me that's why I'm not sure if this is really worth it all. I've suggested so many options that work for as all but no one wants to follow through on it but me when I punish the kids for talking back or not listening or not picking up their own toys my husband steps in and yells and says wait a minute give them a chance if they don't do it within an hour or something then punish them I just don't know what else to do.

Set up the counseling yourself since he is not making the effort.
Since he feels you are in charge of running the household, run it.

Discuss with him how things need to change, children need to learn to be respectful and have manners, get his input, have a family meeting about the changes, and hold everyone to it. Chores get divided according to ability... with dad getting a share as well.

Find incentives for the kids... some simple chores are expected simply as part of being a family... rewards, allowance, TV or game time, special outing, etc. can be earned. Set a time limit for the kids. Give them a choice when possible... this can be done first and then you can watch TV, or after this show is over, it will be time to take care of the chore. If said chore is not done, or there is whinging about doing it, have a consequence in place and let them know you are sure they will make a better choice next time they have a chore to do.

It takes time to change habits, so expect some backsliding, but stay consistent with everyone.

I have been consistent with everyone trying to hold it together all by myself and handle the pregnancy emontions at the same time I just feel like I'm going to crack and I have mentioned this to my husband how upset I am that nothing is working and that we should be working together as a family not fighting with each other

i have been consistent with everyone trying to hold it together all by myself and handle the pregnancy emontions at the same time i just feel like im going to crack and i have mentioned this to my husband how upset i am that nothing is working and that we should be working together as a family not fighting with each other

What is his response to your being so upset and frustrated? Does he show any understanding? Is he willing to sit with you to come up with a plan to make things better for everyone? Does he understand that the frequent fighting and stress are not healthy for you, the pregnancy, or the other children?

Ask him if he will sit down so that the two of you can come up with a plan to make things better. Start with the basics, it sounds like just having more help and respect around the house will make a tremendous difference. Get his thoughts on how he and the kids can work with you to make changes.

He says he's sorry that I'm so upset and he doesn't like the fighting either but he's not willing to help out with anything into making things better and not fight so much and I have told him it not good for me to get stressed during the pregnancy but it just feels like he doesn't care.


I've already called to set up a counseling appointment so I hope that works but if it doesn't when do I say enough is enough I've never had this much trouble ending a relationship before if it got bad I would end it before it got worse.

Does he actually say he is not willing to help out or try to make things better or is that your assumption due to his lack of effort?

If he actually tells you that he won't help or work at improving your marriage and family dynamics, that is one thing, and obviously quite serious... if you just feel as though he isn't trying, that is different.

Same result, but at least you can work more effectively with the latter one.

Tell him you need concrete action on his part. That it is all well and good for him to say he is sorry about the upset and stress, but it really doesn't help you or the situation if there is no action behind the words.

Make it quite frank for him... spell it out so there is no question as what you need him to do.

Let him know that you understand and appreciate that he works hard and wants to relax when he gets home, but point out that you work hard all day as well, only to have him and the children ruin your hard work on a regular basis and that you don't get the down time.

I don't know what work he does, but I can well imagine he would not be pleased if he had people regularly messing up his work every time he completes it and then they just walk away for him to do over again.

Some couples have an agreement where dad comes home and has a half hour or an hour to himself to unwind. But he doesn't get to shut down for the rest of the day while you are still working your job.

The biggest thing is to get him behind you with dealing with the kids. Talk about the importance for them to learn some responsibility, to help out as part of the family, and to have manners and respect for both of you and their possessions. Come up with age appropriate chores and expectations... and also consequences both good and bad for the choices they make.

Once you are working more as a team in regard to the children and have more of a united front, your own relationship will likely improve as well.
Quote:

Originally Posted by dustynmom
I've already called to set up a counseling appointment so I hope that works but if it doesn't when do I say enough is enough I've never had this much trouble ending a relationship before if it got bad I would end it before it got worse.
The counselor will likely help you both to see where you can make some changes in how you address each other, how you deal with the kids together, and how to get both your needs met for alone time, couple time, and family time. They will have exercises for you to try and find out what works best for the two of you.

It can take a bit of time however, so don't give up if things don't change overnight. Old habits take time to break, but hopefully you will see some willingness on his part to try.

Yeah he says he will do more but its like once a week or once every two weeks he gets up off his butt to help out I've tried everything and I mean everything just to try and make this family work and stay together now all is left is counseling.

- and so you try counselling. Does he know how upset and frustrated you are? I don't mean complaining - I mean standing up and telling him.

Yes over the last year I have sat down with him and told him how sad and depressed I am and all he said is I'm sorry

yes over the last year i have sat down with him and told him how sad and depressed i am and all he said is im sorry

Again... acknowledge his statement of being sorry, thank him for it and tell him you are so glad that he understands. Then ask him what he, himself, is going to do to help change things.

Ask him if he will sit down with you to devise a plan for working with the children consistently, for establishing expectations, and for dividing up the chores so that everyone, including him, has something they are responsible for.

He might take on giving the younger kids a bath at night so that you can have a bit of freetime to yourself. You might plan to do some of the bigger things on a Saturday morning as a family, then have some family fun time later in the day for example.

Ask him if he will work on this with you.

yeah he says he will do more but its like once a week or once every two weeks he gets up off his butt to help out ive tried everything and i mean everything just to try and make this family work and stay together now all is left is counseling.

Change takes time, and work, and sometimes it takes baby steps, instead of overnight progress, like we want it. Be patient, and keep working as a little progress is better than none. Look you have been setting the patterns that you don't like for a long time now, and by your own words, its been in the last year that things have started overwhelming you.

I know you're pregnant again, so its understandable to be more than frustrated sometimes, and resentful, and emotional, I get that. But to be honest, both you, and your husband have much to learn of each other, and at some point after you are pregnant, I hope you get it together, but for now, you get a helper around the house who can handle those kids, and give you some immediate relief from the daily stresses of your condition.

There is a lot going on in your household that may take years to correct, and blending his kids, with you and yours, is always a very big task, so focus now on you, and what you need, and thats some help until he gets home, and some loving support, and assistance.

He sounds like sensitivity, and being helpful is out of his league, probably why he was divorced in the first place, but I seriously doubt that his ways were unknown to you before, but do think your being pregnant magnifies them to epic proportions. That's why I think a girlfriend, your mom, or even a sister or a niece who understands and is capable of helping out around the house and be good company, is exactly what the doctor ordered, if even for only once or twice a week, to give you some relief for your stress.

You sound like a woman who is trapped at home everyday with a group of monsters, and maybe need to turn it over to your husband sometimes while you take a break, a well deserved one considering you are with child, to do something for yourself, and let them fend for themselves.

Not only will it help you clear your head, and relax, but gives HIM the chance to see what you put up with on a daily basis, and maybe, just maybe, he will appreciate you, and see the need to be more of a man, and deal with his household.

We men can be boobs, and think bring home the bacon is enough while the woman should handle the rest. That's not always the best attitude to have now a days. Simple fact is there is a lot more work and responsibility at home after work, and just because you don't get paid money for it, doesn't mean it means nothing, or not important.

For now though for you, get some help, and is there a reason not too? Have you no family or friends??