My daughter is 15 months and she was sleeping in her crib pretty well starting at 6 months... she would wake up around 4:30 am and want to come into bed with her father and I. Recently, her father and I have split up ( it's been about 3 months) and the recently she has started to want to come into my bed and sleep the whole night with me. I can get her to go to bed in her crib and she falls asleep but then about 2 hours later she wakes up and wants me to take her to bed with me. The first 2 nights I did give in and take her into bed... but now I've been trying to give her her pacifier so she'll go back to bed... she will literally scream bloody murder like at the top of her lungs until I go in again and take her with me. How can I stop this? I feel bad letting her cry for more than 20 minutes but I feel like she knows what she's doing and just wants to sleep in my bed. This needs to stop I'm just nit sure how to get there... any suggestions?

Of course she knows what's she is doing, biabia. You have to initiate tough love and let her scream and cry herself to sleep, but in her own bed. She is getting exactly what she wants, the best way she knows how, pulling on your heart strings.

Trust me, several of us here have been there and done that this way.

You have to stop this now the best way you can.

Tick

She should be ( or can be) in her own bed, she has trained you to let her win.
You make sure she is OK, and put her to bed, she will scream and fuss ( worst for a while since she will not understand that you lost your training) but soon she will figure it out

She's only 15 months old, not 15 years.

Maybe, because her father has recently left (only three months), this is an age appropriate response for not having her dad there. She needs the security, or maybe the comfort of being with you, because how else can a 15 month old express their needs?

It isn't just at bedtime that she misses her dad. It is all the time. He's not there for meals, or for reading her a story, or playing wth her, or just being there physically. This is a loss for her, and when bedtime rolls around, she's looking for comfort is how I read this.

Who can read the mind of a 15 month old, so soon after her father leaves. Perhaps the situation is now caused by, that very fact alone.

Maybe when she is used to seeing her father, and having his presence I her life,even though less often, she will gain an understanding that he is still in her life, and she will adapt to it.

I would personally, if it were me in your position, give her time to mature a bit, and adjust to this major change.

Just my opinion here, and there are many things you can do to establish a bedtime routine, without both of you going through agony, but, only when the time is right.

What about putting her crib into your bedroom for awhile to help her adjust. You will know when its time to move her crib back into her own room, and go from there. My son is 18yrs and when we went through divorce 4yrs ago, I paid off other half of house to ex so I could keep house, so he would still have his own bedroom, he didn't that on top of everything else to adjust too. Good luck

Like Jake said, establish a consistent bedtime routine -- jammies, snack, cuddle while reading aloud or storytelling, teethbrushing, etc. Maybe include a beloved (larger?) stuffed animal or doll in all this, even putting on its jammies, "feeding" it some of the snack, cuddling with it too. Make a big production around this animal/doll. Put your child to bed and put the animal/doll to bed nearby but not in the child's bed. If the child wakes during the night and cries, ignore her, continue your "big production," pick up the animal/doll and coo to it, cradle it in your arms, sing to it -- but continue to ignore your daughter. Make a big production of getting the animal/doll back to sleep. Lay it down in the crib and cover it. Continue to coo and sing softly. Hopefully, your daughter would have become mystified over your behavior and will have stopped crying to watch you and will even snuggle up with the animal/doll eventually when you ask her to love the animal/doll and help stop it from crying. This, of course, will be the performance of your life and for more than one night, but it might cut into the screaming and solve your child's sleeping problem after a few nights of your receiving Academy Awards.

You want that animal/doll to become the transitional object for you, to be the substitute for you, so she will sleep with it instead of you.

***ADDED*** You want the animal/doll to be the "crying" one who needs comfort, comfort your daughter can give (and will encourage her nurturing side). In fact, as I think of it, include the animal/doll in other events during the day, so your daughter gets used to it being an important part of her life. We want the animal/doll to be in a somewhat similar relationship to your daughter that she is to you. Of course, she may become so devoted to the animal/doll that it ends up in her bed on her wedding night -- but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it!

Best wishes, and keep us informed! (especially when something eventually works)

A much gentler, kinder and creative way Wondergirl, when you said,


You want that animal/doll to become the transitional object for you, to be the substitute for you, so she will sleep with it instead of you.

Just my opinion, but that would be my preference under those circumstances.

A much gentler, kinder and creative way Wondergirl
Thanks, Jake. It will take some work and imagination on the mom's part, but it worked on me when I was little, and it worked on my kids (with some variations because they are male).