I have a problem. I love my boyfriend and in most ways he is perfect for me, he looks after me and treats me right which I know is hard to find.

My only problem, and it is becoming more of a problem, is the fact that he is not an intellectual and I am. I like meaningful conversations, discussions about current affairs and debates and he is not interested in any of these things. I find myself having to explain to him things all the time, an example of the other day- what "magnolia" is and I grow weary of it. Moreover, I have a blog discussing philosophical things and because he doesn't understand it he described it as "gay", ignorant comments like that really annoy me.

My family think that if were to get married, not having this mental stimulation from him wouldn't work.


My question is, and I go back and forth on this, do I accept that nobody is perfect and he ticks so many other boxes, and our relationship is good in other ways, or leave him because it is something that is important to me and I am settling if I stay with him ?

Thank you in advance for your help on this confusing situation.

Does he love you,respect you? What do his actions say?

Could it be he is intimadated by your conversations and feels he is not smart enough,so he makes fun of them.

Is he smart in other areas,stuff you don't have a clue about?

Can you learn something from him?

Is there a compromise here?

You say you enjoy online discussions,is that enough mental stimulation for you?
Perhaps a course would provide an avenue for more stimulation with like minded people?

If mental stimulation is a Priority for YOU (not your family!) in a relationship then perhaps you need to reconsider if this man is the one for you.

Try and put yourself in his shoes for a moment,no one wants to feel stupid ,(for want of a better word) have you ever tried to have a conversaton with him about something he feels strongly about or has an interest in?

More questions then answers!

The fact that two people in a relationship have different intellectual capabilities and interests is not a problem. Their attitude to those differences can be.

I have been with my husband for 27 years. I was considered the 'brainy' one and he the 'practical' one. The important thing though is that we have equal respect for each other's skills.

I still enjoy sharing knowledge with him when he asks and he likes having someone around who will probably know the crossword clue he is hunting for. He values the fact that I was the one who was able to help our children with their homework etc. I also love it when he shows me how to do some new practical task that is totally beyond my comprehension. While I was helping out with the maths homework he would be knocking up some working model traffic lights for the kids to play with. Brilliant! He also has an amazing natural sense of local geography whereas put me behind the wheel of the car and we could end up anywhere - I could get lost in my own garden without a map lol. The point is can you be honest with yourself about what the strengths and weaknesses of both of you are? Being intellectual doesn't mean being better at everything.

I have also discovered over time that he knows a lot more than might have first been apparent. He didn't get a particualrly good education, mainly due to illness during many of his school years, but he has read and watched documentaries as an adult. It is surprising how much he has learned and can share with me about history and geography, sport and music. He got used to thinking of himself as not the brainy one so still doesn't push himself out there intellectually but scratch the surface and he knows a lot of interesting stuff. Similarly by watching him work I have picked up a few tips and whilst I still think of him as being the capable one for practical things I do surprise myself when I have a go at things. If you are open to sharing and not judging you can teach each other and learn from each other a great deal. Do you look at your man and see skills and qualities you can admire? Does he have interests that he actively pursues even if they are different to yours?

The point is not whether you are different but whether you have genuine respect and love for one another and can enjoy those differences. Only you can work that out. The fact that you tire of explaining things to him instead of enjoying sharing things with him, and the fact that he mocks your interest, probably out of feeling inadequaate in that respect, is the worrying aspect and what I think you need to think about.

Thank you in advance for your help on this confusing situation.Hello L:

SEE?? Being smart doesn't ALWAYS provide an answer... Sometimes, being dumb while bringing home the bacon, is pretty damn smart..

excon

I’ve been thinking about QLP’s post and the great advice she gave you. I thought I might use my own experiences as another practical response for you to consider. I’m 28 now and have dated many different guys, but would say there are two that I truly love (or loved) and considered marrying – an ex and my fiancé. I am educated (Bachelors in Accounting, MBA) and I’m a CPA, so I am intelligent though more on the logical, practical, and business side of things.

My ex was an English major, a wonderful writer and a very perceptive person. He was also very romantic and passionate. I loved talking to him because the subjects were always interesting and I learned so much. The problems in the relationship stemmed from a couple of things. Because of my practical type of thinking and education, I was in higher demand for jobs that pay well and my income potential was better than his. I was also more ambitious than he was. I had no problem with this, but it made him feel insecure. The second problem was that I am very active, where he was a couch potato. His insecurity led to sniping and getting into bad moods, just so sure I would find someone better. This took its toll on the relationship.

My fiancé is an engineer with an MBA. He also thinks logically. He is at least as active as I am, and we have so many common interests – running, scuba diving, skiing, travel and exploring, to name a few. We are different in ways. He worked in construction in high school and college, and can build anything. I enjoy budgeting and tax planning. He is a rock climber, which I plan to try later this year. I play racquetball, which he is learning. The important thing is our lives and minds are complementary. We respect each other and treat each other accordingly. We both have the same goals in life, and we see that together we are better than apart. We want to learn from each other and we enjoy being together.

I’ve read your current post, and your previous posts. You are still young at 20, so you are figuring out what is important to you and what is a deal-breaker. You are in college, and your mind is expanding rapidly. You’ve also been through some tough times this year. I’m wondering if this boyfriend is a new one, versus the long-term ex you were with earlier or the one in July that left because of what your ex-best friend told him. If neither, this is a very new relationship. It takes time to get to know each other.

In looking back, I think all the men I dated led me to the one I am with and helped me recognize how right he is for me. They each also helped me to develop into the person I am today. I don’t regret dating the others, but I will say that if I had it to do over I would have responded more quickly when I realized that someone wasn’t meant to be in my life forever. It would have saved both of us some pain. There are certain things I think are important and the lack of these things are therefore deal-breakers. Love (which takes time), mutual respect, compatible lifestyles, the ability to communicate, and common goals are some main ones that come to mind. I think the answer to your question can be solved by having further discussions with him. You need to hear his side of things. You need to know what his goals are. You need to see if you can develop the respect to a level where he appreciates you for who you are, and vice versa. The fact he treats you well and looks after you in itself is not enough. It may be enough for now, but just be careful that you don’t accept this as enough for years and then one day wake up and realize it’s not enough for a lifetime.

I think you hit the nail on the head there JL. If a couple can respect and nurture one another, and use their different skills and interests in a complementary fashion, to reach mutually desirable goals then all is well. If the differences cause loss of mutual respect or a feelling of inadequcy in either partner then the road travelled will be a lot bumpier. Even if both people have similar interests and capabilities, if their goals in life and their priorities are poles apart, then I predict discontent.