My ex and I were together for 2 and half years. We met in college (we were 19 (her) and 21 (me), we are now 21 and 24)... and shared a dorm. When our housing contracts with the school were both up (around the same time) we were both looking for apartments in the area and decided why not move in together and split the cost of rent?

Samantha hid our relationship from her parents, and when they found out we were dating rather than just roommates... they were pretty upset, and made her move out. Not just move out... but actually transfer schools and move about an hour and a half away. Her parents were always super cool to me... but suddenly they didn't like me and didn't want Samantha to have anything to do with me. At the time, I was pretty upset. Samantha was 20 years old by this time, an adult... and was acting as if she had no choice in the matter. I couldn't afford the apartment on my own, and had no time to find a roommate. So I was also forced to move. With nowhere to go, no backup and a lost deposit for breaking the leasing contract... I was forced to actually move out of state and back home with my mom... the worst. At that time, Samantha and I stopped seeing each other. We talked on the phone regularly and kept in touch.

I was only away for 6 months... and then moved back home. When Samantha heard I was coming back, she really wanted to get together and catch up. We did. And we ended up back together within a couple months. Again hiding the relationship from her parents...

She is still living an hour and a half away. It's hard with both of our schedules to make time for the drive... and time to hang out. But I manage to always set at least some time aside for her. She however, is always "busy". She'll tell me she has tons of work to do for school... but when I call to say hello... she's at the beach, movies, a concert... with friends. When I act as though my feelings are hurt... she makes me feel like they shouldn't be. She gets upset that I'm upset... and I end up feeling controlling or just bad for not being "okay" with it. I'll apologize and she'll promise me time "next week" or whenever... only to call the day before our plans and say her parents want her home for a visit and she can't make it to see me. When we have plans and her parents' plans interfere (which happens often), she can never say she's already made plans for a certain day/time because her parents don't even know I'm around anymore. So that leaves me having no choice but to understand and deal with it.

Samantha says that when I ask her for time... and she says "okay" then it's like she's committing to something... and it "freaks her out". She'd rather not make promises. Even if it's "Hey, do you wanna hang out tomorrow?" She's like let me call you tomorrow... we'll see.

Last week, I told her it wasn't working out. I'm not the kind of person who needs someone to always be around. Once a week would be plenty. But she can't even give me that. And the more I continue to ask, the more I feel I'm begging. And it makes me feel super pathetic and sort of clingy and definitely gross. So in my mind... it's like what's the point of being in a relationship if the time's not there? And why is it that she has time for everyone but me?


This is a message she sent me when I told her it wasn't working out...


Dear you,

I got your message. I understand the situation. I've been thinking about it a lot. I can feel the hope and love fading from our lack of contact. I know we're great together. Oh, how I know we're great together. But the time is not there for me to show that to you right now. We'll end this once again, as a mutual split. With the knowledge that we love eachother deeply. Please understand that I love you deeply. I want to say that I'll miss you. But I feel like you are already being missed and have been for a long time. Hope things go well from here on out.

-Me

Later she sent this...

Keep in mind, she had promised that when she was done with all her work, I was the very first person she wanted to be with. And that if I could just be patient (not ask for ANY time with her until she was done) then she would see me as soon as she could. Every time I spoke with her during the week, she assured me she was getting work done... and would hurry to me as soon as she could. Adding many thank you's for my "patience" and "support". And then I get this message...

So u know what i did 2night?

I finally finished my portfolio and told justin that all i wanted to do was to go celebrate and drink at the bar. after about an hour...u know what i told him...i told him, id rather marry u than be with anyone in the end. U may think im shallow and gross for going out. but i want you to know.. ur it. I know together right now isnt gunna happen. but together forever will. and right now... i know things should work, and i know things should be ok, beacuse in the end. if you love someone then it should be fine. but over all, i love u and i want u to be it. im sorry im busy and **** sucks. but ur it baby...... ur just...it.

When I read this, it hurt more than anything. It seems sweet at first glance... but the fact that she'd been calling me at the end of every rough day... havin me soothe her to sleep. Give her tips on creating her portfolio (we're both graphic designers) and even help her with some files and email them to her. And asking for my patience because she ditched out on ALL the time we were supposed to have spent together and on any plans we had made in the two weeks that it took her to get this thing done. And then for her to send me this message... "I'm done and I'm out at the bar." Whaaaaaaaaaaaat? Made me sad. I would've liked to have celebrated with her. I would've liked to have been there... but instead she was merely "thinking of me" and that's supposed to make me feel better? Somehow it made things worse. She's always "thinking of me" but never here.

Since breaking things off... a week ago... I miss her like crazy. I love her more than I can stand. I feel I need to move on... but it's hard... and I'm not sure I'm making the right decision I guess? Maybe there's something here that you see that I can't? Maybe I'm missing something? Maybe there's a way I can get a better understanding of what she means by all this? Or why it bothers me sooo much?

Any advice, insight, personal experiences, thoughts, or opinions... are truly appreciated...

I have been with a few females who are seemingly very dependent on their families, and will not cross them. I know how frustrating that can be to NOT be very high on the priority list. Bet it was great when it was going as you want it, but when things changed then it got really trippy. But does she have a real choice in the matter. NO, all she can do is the best with what she has.

It wasn't enough, so you made a decision, now its up to you to stick to it, do your thing, and let her do her thing. Those sappy I love you blah blah I want to marry you emails would pizz me off to, as empty promises. Words and actions don't match.

She may have little control over her life, but you have full control over yours, and it sucks to walk away, and get your own act together without her, but it seems to me there is little choice. Her words can't sustain you, but YOUR actions have to.

Stop the contact, so your emotions have a chance to be under your control again, so you can figure out your own path. And how to walk it.

You don't have to settle for someone else's plan when you can get your own.

There is not much for you in this relationship, so you'd better start moving on. Please don't second guess yourself and go NC.

Her words can't sustain you, but YOUR actions have to.


This really resonates with me... everything you said does. Thanks for taking the time :) definitely helpful.

I think if you truelly love someone you will make time to see them.. No matter what.

I think you've made the right decision in breaking up with her..

Your nothing but an option for her. That would be the" Im bored, or been drinking alittle too much, or hey I need my ego stroked". Finish getting your education and move on with your life. She has never really made you a choice in her life, just a rebellious fling to have behind her parents back. You deserve better. Good luck