So I've been with the girl of my dream for almost 5 months now, she's everything I ever wanted in a girl and when things are good they're perfect, like living a dream. But about 2 months into the relationship we both noticed that we have a communication barrier that tends to start silly, pointless fights. It's almost like sometimes we're speaking different languages. I truly believe that if there is such a thing as a soul mate, she is it. But this communication problem seems really bad sometimes, it's almost like I hear her telling me 2 + 2 = 5 when I know she's wrong, I try to bend and ask her to explain to me why she thinks this and then we argue and tension grows.

We've never had a fight of any substance. We both agree'd is always about a misunderstanding or miscommunication. We've cut back on texting each other a lot because we both have stressful jobs and realized that sometimes when we're stressed and get a sarcastic text message, we don't always read it as such and then one thing leads to another and one person is upset and the other has no idea why or what went wrong.

Yesterday she asked if I wanted to stay at her house next Monday to watch the Jets game and Tuesday since it's my birthday. I said I would love to. Later in the day she sends this,

"Do you have plans with the fam on your bday or can I take you out for dinner? Or, would you rather go the wkend after. Decide. I need to make reservations."
I responded with,
"I'll prob do something with my rents later in the week",
she replied,
"that tells me nothing. what do you want to do?" followed by her repeating her original text and "Read what I'm texting please"
Frustrated, I replied with,
"it tells you the answer to the question you asked. Yes we can go out to dinner, I will do something with my family later in the week. Read what I'm texting please..."
Her,
"Whatever. **** this <insert my name here>. it does not. I asked, did you want to go out on your bday or the wkend. I could care less if we do either.
I was shocked, I didn't know what to say. A few minutes later she sends,
"I need a break. We just can't communicate"
And then we get into a long argument over... I honestly don't know what by the end of these it's like we're arguing about arguing and I stop caring all togather. It's really the dumbest thing I've ever experienced in my 30 years and many relationships. I've never felt so madly in love with someone and yet at time feel like our relationship is on a reality TV show and these things are happening because it makes for good drama... It really makes no sense!

I'm thinking therapy, I cannot give up on this relationship, I've never felt so sure on so many levels that this is the person I want to be with forever, but I need an answer as to how we can fix these retarded arguments we keep having.

Thanks!

First of all, stop texting!! Go back to the old fashion way of communicating (NO, not smoke signals) talking to each other over the phone, much easier to get clarification on any questions.
If you really feel she is the one, then getting help with communication skill is very important, for once that passion wears off in relationship, you better hope communication is there!! --good luck

To me, it sounds like you BOTH need to change the way you communicate with each other. It seems to me as if you two get so defensive when someone says something confusing or not what you want to hear.

In relationships there's always a give and take, push and pull, that should be happening. I've seen time and time again couples who aren't willing to just "back down" once in a while and have to be so strong headed.

For example, during your texting "drama" when she said "that tells me nothing..." you probably could have said "Yes we can go out to dinner, I will do something with my family later in the week" without adding the sarcasm. I understand you were frustrated. It happens to the best of us.

Basically, try stoping an argument before it starts. You can see early in that it's going to be a fight but try to be the better man and just reiterate what you were saying, maybe she was confused. Honestly, if I was her, I would have been too.

Maybe talk to her about your communication problems. Does she agree you two are having an issue with communication? If not, that's a problem all on it's own because there's obviously an issue here. If she does, maybe you two can come up with some sort of compromise.

I've been with the man of my dreams for almost 3 years and we've made it through SO many big fights all because we were able to listen to each other and compromise. Not just one of you, both of you.

Great relationships and marriages are built on (both) your abilities to talk things out and come to a common understanding. Otherwise, you both will be working against each other and that's no way to live.

So I hope you guys can talk things out, come to a common understanding and fix this. Good luck! :)

I’m sorry but I had to laugh a little at your arguments, probably because I've been there before. I think it is fixable, and the fact you realize it’s silly and want to fix it will help a lot. Men and women do communicate quite differently – they think differently, they speak differently and they make decisions differently. It can be frustrating and lead to arguments. You both need to change your approaches.

Men tend to report facts in short phrases with little or no detail, whereas women speak in paragraphs. Men start with the bottom line while women work up to the bottom line. I read recently that women tend to speak twice as many words a day as men speak. In your example, you answered her question with a brief – “I’ll see the parents later in the week.” She wanted: “I’ll see the parents later in the week, so I’d love to go to dinner with you on my birthday. Thanks for asking.” In your mind, it was a slight difference. In hers, she wanted confirmation that you’d enjoy going out to dinner with her – which was the part left out. You think it was understood; she wanted to hear it.

I think it led to a fight due to frustration on both of your parts because this has been happening more and more. It sounds like it’s time to sit down and have a calm discussion about it – no finger pointing, no feeling defensive. Since they are small frustrations, bring some fun and laughter into the discussion. To say she could be your soul mate means you agree on the important aspects of life. You might even start the discussion with that – remember she wants you to build to your bottom line. Don’t bluntly say there’s a communication issue, but start with the positive aspects of your relationship and build to the need to better communicate.

But this communication problem seems really bad sometimes, it's almost like I hear her telling me 2 + 2 = 5 when I know she's wrong, i try to bend and ask her to explain to me why she thinks this and then we argue and tension grows.

In learning to communicate, one must learn how to listen and hear what the other person is saying instead of what one thinks the other person is saying.

If the listener thinks his/her thought pattern is the only correct one, then he/she will hear other concepts as wrong until they line up with the established pattern. The speaker can become frustrated and defensive if he/she feels like he/she is not being heard.

The way you say that you 'try to bend and ask her to explain' sounds like you may be communicating through tone and word choice that you think you are right and she is wrong no matter what she says. It may not be what you mean to convey, but look at the other side. Frustration at trying to find the best way to explain a thought while feeling defensive by being put on the spot is a short-cut to an argument.

You know there is stress at work. The relationship should be less stressful than your jobs. Are you both starting to take work frustrations out on each other?

IF she is willing to sit down and discuss (no accusations, both of you listening to what the other has to say) the communication issues with you, work together to set guidelines to help rather than hinder your communications. Things like: only asking one question in a text; if there is more than one question, answering all of them; etc. Figure out how to give each other cues that personal tension levels are rising and a change of subject or cooling off period is needed before a disagreement becomes a fight. Take time to think about what has been said before responding to each other.

Stop texting, and talk more in person, or by phone, until you learn the quirks of the others way of expression. I suspect that you haven't been together enough to recognize how you both "write in abbreviation" to each other (texts).

Learning the language of a new partner takes time, and some patience, and really paying attention so you don't presume, and assume, and frustrations makes it hard to hear, let alone listen.

So don't get frustrated, you both are still in a learning stage after only 5 months, and its important NOT to over react, or react without understanding, so take a minute to think about what your responses, and questions will be. Its a process. Being clear is what you have to be, so don't take it personal when she doesn't understand, or seems to be impatient, and sarcastic. Few people know how another mind works, but you can learn.