I guess things have been going downhill for quite some time - no sex in over 13 years, separate bedrooms for 2 years, no intimacy or even really talking since I can remember - and she recently has been telling me she hates me - to my face, in front of the kids. I know it's a 2 way street, but I really don't want to leave - it's a marriage of convenience & I do actually love her - just don't like the way she treats me. I've been isolated - she gets on my case bigtime if I want to do something outside the house - yet she does all sorts of things with her friends - travel, weekend trips, nights out etc... I've been getting extremely depressed lately - and really have no one to talk to. With one kid in college, one in middle school, and on in high school, I really can't afford to just leave - and don't really want to - but every time I try to do something nice - I get absolutely no credit - bring home flowers - not a word. Clean the house / do the wash - it's not enough - I'm about at the breaking point - and she won't talk - I told her last night she'd be better off without me - that she has told me & others that she hates me & maybe I should just leave - and she started laughing - like she was trying not to laugh, but couldn't help herself. It's very depressing - she was away all last week, in the poconos -then came home & went to the pool until late, then was away all week-end with her girlfriends, & I not only took my daughter to a 2 day soccer tournament (2 hours away) both days, but also found time to clean the garage, do all the laundry (and fold & put away), clean the kitchen & bathrooms - and when I asked her about her time in ocean city - trying to make polite conversation, she jumped all over me in a really nasty tone - oh - the question I asked? Was the friend's house you stayed in the same one we went to a couple of summers ago? I packed up enough stuff for a couple of days & left - but had to come back late, because I accidentally got locked out of my office (I came to work). So, now I'm at work & wondering if I should go home or not. My daughter (13) was all upset last night & called my son, at college, who spoke to me briefly - and said he was going to call my wife - but he never got back to me & I never heard from her or him. I did call my daughter to tell her not to worry - that everything will be OK. It's become a marriage of conveninece a long time ago - I'm just the sucker that keeps on working & letting her live her lifestyle - but she complains she's not "happy" even though she's the one with the great social life - I'm completely isolated & unhappy. I guess I just needed a place to vent, since I've got no one to confide in or speak with about stuff.

You need to find someone to talk to, someone who will listen, hopefully a third party who will be frank, honest, helpful. I don't know how you live like "this." I could not.

My question is - and I guess it's because of your children - "Why do you stay? Why do you keep trying?" I'm sure your wife has a side to this and I have no idea what it is or what it could be.

You deserve to be happy and if this situation is not making you happy, then you need to leave - or she needs to leave.

Your children very well might be better off not having to listen to their mother telling their father that she hates him on a regular basis so I'm not sure staying for the children makes sense.

This is not a good environment for your children either.
It may be a good time to leave. Tell your daughter you are leaving the home but not her.
This will not get better until you make a move. You do have the power to change things, you just have to make up your mind to do it.

How is her relationship with the children especially the daughter? Does she work or do anything around the house besides use it for a hotel?

I suggest Family Counseling. It's for your children to be able to understand what is going on around them and that they are in no way responsible for the actions of the adults in their lives. It will help keep them from feeling like they have to choose sides.

If you do decide to leave the house, consult with a divorce lawyer first. Find out what your rights and responsibilities are. Find out what her rights and responsibilities are. You don't want to leave a bigger mess than you have to. Perhaps, it would better for her to leave the house.

It's a time of adjustments for sure but keep a brave, and good attitude around your kids, to help them through this, as you get your own place to live, if that's what you decide to do.

Change is never that easy, but as you said, things haven't been great for a long time and maybe its time to end that chapter in your life and let a better one begin.

Handle your business my friend, as it may have been cheaper to keep her, but not by much. You definitely need some good friends or family to support you through this so don't hesitate to reach out to a trusted friend.

Much luck!

Everyone is giving great advice, so come back and vent as much as you want. It helps.:D

You do not deserve this. No one does. You have already wasted so much time, but now do not waste more. Take action for yourself.

Greetings, I guess I need to go in another direction.

Based on your opening statement that you are nothing but a paycheck to your wife, stop the flow of money to her.

Open a checking account in your name only! Deposit your money there and you pay the bills.

If she wants out of the house so badly, show her the door and tell her not to come back until she is ready to be married to you.

Why should you or the children have to pay for her misbehavior?

You have to decide and whether you want her back in your life and what you are willing to tolerate, behavior wise.

None of this is going to be easy. In fact, it will be downright nasty.

If you want her to be your wife, you have to put decisions in front of her that lead her back to you and the children.

I am a big believer in saving the marriage. But that said, it sounds like she abandoned the marriage 13 years ago.

Don, I know you are speaking from your heart but any or all of your advice could get the OP up to his hips in legal trouble.

OP needs to consult with an Attorney before he does anything drastic and also has to ask himself why he stays in this relationship.

Don, I know you are speaking from your heart but any or all of your advice could get the OP up to his hips in legal trouble.

OP needs to consult with an Attorney before he does anything drastic and also has to ask himself why he stays in this relationship.

I'm not arguing with you - you know I wouldn't dare ;) - but how can he get into trouble for putting his paycheck into his own account? I know numerous married couples who have split accounts. Where would the harm be if he provides the necessities for the household(mortgage, utilities, food, etc.) but cuts off the cashflow for the splurges(vacations, nights out, etc.)?

I'm not arguing with you - you know I wouldn't dare ;) - but how can he get into trouble for putting his paycheck into his own account? I know numerous married couples who have split accounts. Where would the harm be if he provides the necessities for the household(mortgage, utilities, food, etc.) but cuts off the cashflow for the splurges(vacations, nights out, etc.)?


He's sort of changing the rules in midstream. This is the same as your husband suddenly deciding to get his own accounts and leaving you with no money for utilities, food, whatever else is involved.

If he maintains the necessities, no problem BUT I see this woman (if she's as described) using THAT money for extras while the kids live in the dark. Me? I'd PAY the necessities and leave it at that.

OP doesn't want to be in a position of not supporting his family if wife (who apparently has no other grounds, depending on her State) decides she wants a divorce.

(You're entitled to disagree - even if no one else can!)

When in doubt, get legal advise and act accordingly within the law.

Whatever you do the interests of the kids is first, before any extras, even if that means she has a choice to make between getting her nails done, taking a vacation, or paying her share of the bills.

A court is a great place to set rules and boundaries, when couples cannot agree on the details themselves and I would certainly have a plan already because I would have visited a good lawyer a long time ago.

Do so NOW, and know your rights.

He's sort of changing the rules in midstream. This is the same as your husband suddenly deciding to get his own accounts and leaving you with no money for utilities, food, whatever else is involved.

If he maintains the necessities, no problem BUT I see this woman (if she's as described) using THAT money for extras while the kids live in the dark. Me? I'd PAY the necessities and leave it at that.

OP doesn't want to be in a position of not supporting his family if wife (who apparently has no other grounds, depending on her State) decides she wants a divorce.

(You're entitled to disagree - even if no one else can!)

I guess that was my argument - this guy seems to be doing everything in the household while the "wife"(if you can call her that) is running around with her girlfriends or whomever else.

If he pays the bills, buys the food, maintains the home, etc. I don't see why he couldn't stop the money train - the kids are taken care of, she has food and shelter... where is the issue? She can't go party? I would LOVE to see her argue that in court.

I certainly wouldn't advise ANYONE to "cut off" their children in an attempt to spite their spouse - current or ex. In fact, I went through this last year. Hubby had a bill show up on his credit report - turned out his ex didn't pay her final utility bill before moving and also neglected to remove his name after the divorce. We Energies argued that he should have called to cancel service after the divorce so that he wouldn't be held liable - I said, "Let me get this straight: you think he should have turned the heat off in the apartment that his children were living in just to get out of a bill that he wasn't even incurring?"

No lie - they said YES.

If the details we have been given are close to the truth (the three sides rule-his, hers, reality), I would hesitate to 'cut her off' until speaking to a lawyer versed in family/divorce law. I am not sure how the court views 'his' paycheck if he is the only salary earner in the marriage.

I can't shake the feeling that there is a whole lot more to the story and that things may not be quite as clear cut as they seem from the details he has given to us.

I hope the op comes back.

So - yes, things have not been good for 13 years or so - and I admit that I am partially to blame for that - maybe even to a large extent. Our interpersonal relationship has gotten testy at times & we've both said things we didn't mean & should not have said, in the heat of anger. However, I told her I really want to work on things - but she says she doesn't want to work on it - there's no way she could be happy with me & wants to move on. She doesn't want to get lawyers involved - she said we should sell the house in the spring & split everything 50/50 and move on with our lives (of course, I'd have to pay alimony) - right now, I'm partially in denial - scared & hurt - but much of what made things bad was the numbness of all those years - she knew just which buttons to press to get the reaction from me that she is now saying is what has made things so bad in her mind that we can't go on. I'm going to go to counseling myself, if it can't save the marriage, maybe it can make me a better person / help me deal with the rejection & pain I'm feeling. I still care about her deeply - but there hasn't been any real "relationship" in ages - living under the same roof, but sleeping in separate rooms, being treated with a nasty attitude for so long - because she just has an overall animosity towards me. I really want to make it work - 21 years down the drain if not -and my entire sense of who I am is tied to this marriage. I'm no saint, but I'm going to try to be better - it likely won't change her mind, but can only be a good thing. I have no intention of hurting her or the kids any more than we've already been hurting from not getting along - it's been like a platonic, if sometimes antagonistic relationship for so long - but I guess recently, some of the arguments went over the line & she decided that's it. Also, someone she knows died recently & that made her think "time is so short - do it now - don't wait another 5 years until the kids are out of the house". We had always put a good face on to the outside world & friends & family - all the while, there was nothing "there" between us - and she says she was staying "for the kids" but that now the cat is out of the bag - and why not just get it over with. I'm feeling scared & rejected - but trying to be strong. I may have until spring, at least.

Are you SURE you can't get the relationship back in line? Sounds like BOTH of you are hurting.

Counselling?

(And hang in there - a failed marriage does not mean you're a bad person. It means you married the wrong person.)

She may not want to get lawyers involved, but you need to consult one.

Counseling for you and children is a good idea even if she refuses to go.

I hope she is looking for a job if she doesn't already have one (outside the house).

Unless the housing market is better where you live, don't expect a quick sale on the house.

Good luck.

So... I had this revelation - after my break-down & decided that neither of us has really been trying over the years - and the only thing I can control is me - and how I react to stuff - so if I really want to try, I can't make her change - but I can change myself. I figure I have at least until spring, and I got a couple books on making marriage work & changing your attitude - and am taking a positive approach - when I was very young, I used to "work on my issues" - something I haven't done in a long time. I decided I had to choose how to act and react - and I can be the hurt little puppy that nobody wants to be around - or the strong, happy, well adjusted person that draws others to him - so I've embarked on a campaign of change - for me. Regardless of what happens in the spring, I can't change that - and I love my wife & kids very much - and committed to her at the time of our marriage - and can't imagine being with anyone else - especially at this age (turning 50 this year) - so regardless of what happens, I'll face it with the best possible attitude - both for me & for them - if that's what it will take to make her happy, then so be it & I will be in a better place, having worked on myself - from several perspectives - health, mental health, adjustment - maybe it will be better for us to split - but if we do, it can't be messy - and could be "liberating" as some folks at work have described - all I can control is me - and if this works, maybe it will turn things around. Thanks for all your help - it's been much appreciated. I feel so much better now that I've adopted a positive attitude towards things. I can post more about how I got to this place later.

Good for you - inspirational post. You'd be amazed at how many people expect someone, something else to make them happy.

Please let us know how things are going.

On an emotional rollercoaster - inspired at times - then slapped down when I realise that she's been planning this for quite some time - I just found out last week. Apparently, her friends know, but it's not public knowledge - and it would kill her dad if he found out - he's got what is likely terminal cancer (prostate that moved to the lungs). I am still committed to self improvement - and I actually went to church this past Sunday & have been really working on not buying into her negativity (she can't even seem to be civil most of the time lately - and I think that was part of the problem - that I would get upset because she would snap at me even over a simple question). I discovered some stuff she's been doing - big purchases - like $500 in beauty products, she joined a health club without telling me, and in January, she got a proposal for an IRA in her own name - and I assume the money would come from the divorce / sale of the house / alimony. I see where she's been researching lawyers online, but I don't see any financial transaction where she might have paid for one yet. Part of me is hopeful - and this knowledge is just making me hurt even more - but I keep thinking that while it may get worse before it gets better, however it turns out, there has to be an end - and whether we can work things out or not - I'll either be "free" or at least in a better place for having worked on myself in the mean time. I've lost about 10 pounds so far & finished the book "making marriage work" - next up is "change your attitude" or something similar - that I found a the library. It's sad to think I had to hit "rock bottom" before making these changes - but it's a real shocker - and while I feel betrayed - because I've never held anything back from the marriage (e.g. financially) I also feel guilt at not having worked at the emotional side of things - neither of us has. The painful thing is she doesn't seem to want to even consider working things out - I'll let you know what happens. Right now, I think she doesn't want it to become public knowledge - it would kill her father - and to tell the truth, we're so far in debt as it is - I don't see how it could possibly work - unless she gets to walk away somehow without the debt (everything up to this point was in both our names - but I think she may be establishing accounts on her own at this point) - like I said - it's a roller coaster.

If you go to Church you believe in prayer, you believe in God - prayer can move mountains.

If you go to Church you believe in prayer, you believe in God - prayer can move mountains.

Faith can move mountains - if you pray but don't have faith, it's just words.

*runs away before you can hit me*

If your wife is looking at lawyers and setting up her own accounts please make sure you have got your own legal advice in order. It sounds like you are going to be left with unsettled debts that your wife is still adding to. I'm worried she might be cleaning you out totally before upping and leaving you to deal with the mess. Please get some advice now on your finances.

Faith can move mountains - if you pray but don't have faith, it's just words.

*runs away before you can hit me*



Well, I guess I'll give up my plan to become a preacher -

So... nothing has really changed - except maybe me. I've been continuing my plan - lost 22 lbs so far, still praying & going to church, have been to counseling (twice alone - then she went by herself & then we went together) the message is the same - she's done & wants out. The therapist agrees there's not much you can do if only one wants to work on it. I've stopped snooping, now that I know where I stand - and am gradually coming to realise that maybe it's over (after 21 years). She says she can't believe it's a surprise to me - and that she's a planner - which is why she's making lists of lawyers, calculating alimony, child support etc... She handed me a book "welcome to your crisis" which apparently was the basis for her carying out her plan - it really is all about moving on - nothing about reconciliation. Prior to this, I'd read "she comes first" - which I'd seen her notes about, and a couple of books from the library "Lord, change my attitude before it's too late" and "making marriage work" - but it's really difficult when only one wants to make it so. The kids all know - and they see the changes in me - but she doesn't. She's pissed because I won't agree to move out - I told her if she wants out so bad, she is welcome to go - so we're at a sort of stalemate - she's being as negative as possible & I'm being as positive as possible. Likely scenario is that we'll de-clutter the house & put it on the market in the spring & agree to split up everything & then move on - but I really don't want to. The house likely won't sell for anything near what it's worth or what we owe - and I really don't want to sell it anyway. On the positive side, my pain is subsiding, somewhat, as I learn to do things for myself & kids & try to be happy despite what is going on. Of course, I'm documenting everything - especially when she goes out at night & doesn't come home (3 or 4 times so far) - she's trying to make me jealous by going out with all our (her) old friends & posting pictures on Facebook of the wonderful time they're having, while I'm sitting home - so I took my daughter on a bike ride & had a great time - trying to reconnect to who I am & my kids & not define myself by my relationship with my wife - since she doesn't seem to want me anyway - why be miserable? The only thing that is really different now is that it's all out on the table - and she can't stand the way I'm reacting - worrying only makes you go through things twice - not to say I shouldn't plan - but I don't think she'll do anything that would hurt the kids - as a matter of fact, I told her we needed to come together for their sakes (daughter 13, son 16, son 18) - anyway, I just thought I'd post an update so you all know I'm OK - and the plan all along was to come out of this in a better place, regardless of what happens - which I can't control - but I'm trying to influence by love. (oh yeah, I also got Mort Fertel's 6 cd course on marriage fitness - but I'm finding that ours is probably too far gone). Take care

I'm sorry it's not working out the way you had hoped but I DO have to say I am more than impressed by all you have done. Amazing! I think I can even hear an upbeat tone in your "voice."

An update is always appreciated - and sometimes life is just what life is and you have to go with the flow.

I wish you luck and hope you find what you want/need.