I am suppose to be getting married very soon. I am very nervous about it. Although I have known my fiancé for 12 years, we have only really been dating about 3 months. We told my two kids, 17 and 20 years old. They took it hard. I am afraid that I will lose touch with them or they may resent me for following through with the marriage. I am thinking of putting it on hold for a few months to allow things to calm down and help my kids process the whole thing. There are other issues such as moving to a different city with my wife and having weekend visitations with my 17 year old which is a problem because she has a life where she currently lives and does not like that she may have to stay with me and new wife and new wife's house.

Any thoughts.

Have you talked with your kids as to why they feel the way they do? At 17 and 20 they should be mature enough to accept your decision. Discuss your feelings with them. There may be issues concerning their mother. Why did your marriage to her end? Certainly you need to consider your kids' feelings but ultimately you have to do what's right for you. By your own admission your 17 year old "has a life" and may not even want to have to visit with you and your new wife on weekends. I'm sure your 20-year-old "has a life" as well so I wouldn't make any decisions based on them. After all, you have a right to have a life too.

Without a lot of background, I pesonally feel that your children should not be uprooted or sent through any major changes. I know, you deserve to be happy but the kids come first and stability is one of the things parents must provide. You yourself have second thoughts and given their age waiting a year or two may help more than hinder.

I have a different take on this situation then the others, but in the end it needs to be your own decision.

Your children are 17 and 20 years old. You have known your fiancé for 12 years, but only been dating for 3 months.

If you suspend or delay wedding plans just because of your children.. To be quite honest, they will always be your children, but they are practically adults now.
If you and your wife to be are so much in love with each other, delaying a marriage or changing plans because of family. How upsetting will this be to her?

We do not know the whole story, but I think it is up to you to make yourself happy, you did the right thing of letting your children know.

At the same time, the diffuculty of moving. Uprooting and moving at this late of stage of your children's age especially the 17 year old could be dramatic, especially when all the friends and schools , etc... is all they've known and well established.

May I ask, has this been a long distance relationship. Where does your fiancé live now. Maybe that is harder to swallow from your children and maybe they do not want anything to happen. They want to protect themselves and their father. Did you make the plans to marry before talking with your children? If so, you should have talked to them about the idea first and then worked out a date later.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. There is positives and negatives for each side it is up to you which side outweighs and then make your decision.

Joe

Hi Willy,

I can give you, hopefully, a perspective from being from a divorced home. Neither one of my parents did remarry, but each did, through the years, enter into relationships with other people. All I really wanted was for each of them to be happy. But of course, this mature point of view, didn't come full scope, until I accepted the fact that my parents were never going to get back together. Keep in mind Willy, that in my young mind, I thought my Dad got the short end of the stick (which my Mom, today, now does agree) and all I wanted for him was to be happy. And still, at 17, I of course , outwardly would accept his girlfriend as his new wife, but in my heart, I probably would have built a wall up and not have been very open with her and inside would not have fully accepted her, until I was a little more mature enough to process.

If my Dad had come to me with the news that he was getting married, while I was 17, as much as I would have wanted my Dad to be happy, it would make me feel a little unsettled inside. Although, I wasn't the type of child to express it.

Willy, as Tal said, without knowing a little bit of background it is hard to completely gage the situation.

It depends on many factors. How long has it been since you were divorced? Have the children had enough time to absorb this fact alone, so they have come to acceptance that their parents will not be getting back together. Sometimes, this can take years for the children, to reach total acceptance.

This is not to say, put your happiness on hold, but it may be wise to wait, and it may be more than just a couple of months, nor would it be forever, but as you said, enough time for things to settle down a bit.

To be very honest with you, it would be an awful lot to ask your 17 year old to stay with you and your new wife, while inside, they may be deeply hurting about the situation. It may cause unnecessary resentment to your new wife and may present difficulties in your new marriage.

Some may feel the children are being "selfish", but I don't see it that way. It is very emotional and sometimes we ask young children or even young adults, to process what we as grown adults even have difficulty with.

I am sure your current girlfriend will understand. By waiting just a bit, you will be saving yourself as well as others a great deal of turmoil.

Your girlfriend will still be in your life as well as your children. That will not and should not change, with a slight delay in getting married.

What will be the key in successfully delaying is how you communicate it to your girlfriend and her willingness to understand.

I do wish you all the best.