My spouse and I have been married for several months, are both once-divorced and each bring 2 pre-teen children to our marriage, with no others planned.

Today my spouse told me about plans to go to an amusement park next weekend for a 12-hour day with the ex-spouse and their 2 children--- Just the four of them. I was also told that this would not be a one-time thing, but to expect this to become somewhat routine.

Please provide your reactions. Thank you for your input. I really need it and really appreciate it.

Heck no, that is not altogether proper as far as I am concerned. Sounds like she is laying down the law to you in this regard, it being a routine thing. I would definitely put your foot down and not lightly on this arrangement. Why did she divorce him anyway ! Possibly to get away from an unsatisfactory relationship, which is now satisfactory... no way.

Please done call yourself a totalidiot. If you are writing about this here you are not that at all, but have a bug in your bonnet my friend and a big red flag up there waving around.

Ms tickle

Legally speaking... she has right to do it.

Legally speaking...she has right to do it.




Yes she does... But you as his wife should just say. "Hey! We'll all go and make it a real fun day" If YOUR husband objects... kick is butt and leave. Kick her butt also, just for the heck of it.:rolleyes:

Legally speaking...she has right to do it.

Thanks for your answer on the legal position----I don't disagree at all. However, this is not a point of legal contention, but it does help me understand all aspects of the matter.

Think we need to move this away from Family Law. OP isn't looking for legal advice but relationship opinion.

Some great advice everyone! My initial reaction to this was that it disrespects our new family. This is a pretty big deal to me. I'm being told its good for the kids, but to be honest, I think it will confuse them. There is no intention of inviting the other's new spouses or their kids, so a big family day is not an option. I'm not threatened, but it just seems wrong on a variety of levels. Plus it pisses me off. Thanks again all... I'm open to hearing all opinions!

I would talk with the ex husband and tell him how you feel. Has he remarried?

I have never said that legal is equal to moral or fair.
It is up to you to decide what to do in your case.If you ask the" progressive and forward thinking" scholars they will answer you that it is great you,your wife and her ex-husband to create an extended family.But it is their "thinking". No one can dictate human feelings and passions.
George

On one hand, I suppose it is a good thing for your husbands children, that he gets along so well with his ex, that both of them can provide a nice outing for their kids.

On the other hand, I think that it should be a negotiated issue, at least a more balanced one. If his two children, and your two children are roughly about the same age, why can't all the kids go for this outing.

Or, why can't all the adults go with all the kids if everybody gets along so well.

The part that doesn't sit well with me, is that while he isn't likely doing anything wrong, you are left out and your children are left out, and I see him, now being married to you, as a step parent to your children. If it is balanced, and he reciprocates with you and your children, is that so bad?

Trying to walk a mile in your shoes here, and seeing as you are newly married, and presuming you are secure with him, and trust him, maybe look past the outings he has with his ex and his kids, and instead, plan to make sure that your children are not feeling left out, by planning your own outings with your new husband and your kids.

Have to admit mixed feelings here, as I'm sure you have as well.

It's too bad she didn't bring this up before you got married.

I would tell her it's upsetting to you and not something you expected. I do think you should listen to why she's trying to do it and talk it over and not just put your foot down without communicating more. Maybe there's a better solution to whatever problem she's trying to solve by doing this. Maybe someone has said things to her that make her feel guilty or someone has persuaded her that the children will suffer without this (which I personally think is nonsense). But where is she getting this and how long has it been going on? Try to listen even if it's upsetting.

You two need to talk this out, even if you have to set aside a few days of off and on talking to get through it. Melding two families doesn't just happen automatically.

Hello Total,

I'm not going to address you by your full user name, as I don't think you are an idiot. This is a common question and a concern of yours. No problem.


I too am divorced with children. Every now and then my exhusbad, myself and our two children go on our little adventures. I along with my ex believes that it is good for the children. The children need to see that we can still function as a family and that Mommy and Daddy get along with one another.

No, my ex nor I are shacking it up in the next room, just simply taking an interest in our children at the same time.

I think it's good that your husband and his ex are civil towards one another, especially around their children. You hear so many bad stories about exes that hate each other and the children see that, and that is very upsetting for them.

Now, let me ask you, did he ask you first if it was OK with you, or did he tell you he's going to do this whether you like it or not?

Hello Total,

I'm not going to address you by your full user name, as I don't think you are an idiot. This is a common question and a concern of yours. No problem.


I too am divorced with children. Every now and then my exhusbad, myself and our two children go on our little adventures. I along with my ex believes that it is good for the children. The children need to see that we can still function as a family and that Mommy and Daddy get along with one another.

No, my ex nor I are shacking it up in the next room, just simply taking an interest in our children at the same time.

I think it's good that your husband and his ex are civil towards one another, especially around their children. You hear so many bad stories about exes that hate each other and the children see that, and that is very upsetting for them.

Now, let me ask you, did he ask you first if it was ok with you, or did he tell you he's going to do this whether you like it or not?



Basically, I was told this is how its going to be. Period. There was no discussion on what I thought. When I did hear about it, I brought up that I didn't think it made much sense to unilaterally make that decision, nor to steadfastly stick with it and act like I'm being unreasonable when I say I thinks its disrespectful to the new family, and us as a new couple. Sure tis good for kids to get along, but they aren't married anymore, There are ways to show up at games etc and be cordial, but this is BS in my opinion.

Basically, I was told this is how its going to be. Period. There was no discussion on what I thought. When I did hear about it, I brought up that I didn't think it made much sense to unilaterally make that decision, nor to steadfastly stick with it and act like I'm being unreasonable when I say I thinks its disrespectful to the new family, and us as a new couple. Sure tis good for kids to get along, but they aren't married anymore,. There are ways to show up at games etc and be cordial, but this is BS in my opinion.

The fact that he told you how it was going to be and didn't even think to ask you your thoughts on this is rude and disrespectful. I agree with you 100% there.

That's why I wanted to ask you that question. I found another one of your threads with the same question, and it's more imformative. I just read it now. It answered more questions for me.

I see where you are coming from. I, for one, believes that it is good for the kids to be together as a family once in a while. In my situation, we have an agreement that one a month the four of us get together and have dinner, go to a movie, to the park, etc... Now, if I decide to date again I would be up front with my boyfriend before hand, and I would ask him how he feels about it. Not tell him how it's going to be. Bad idea.

Again, he shouldn't have told you, he should have asked you, and being that you are newly weds, he shouldn't have had such a bad approach on this whole thing.

How long was she divorced before the marriage to you?
Had you two talked about this before?
I think it is a very strange and disrespectful thing to do. You two need to have a chat.

Now that this has been moved. I will comment on it. Thanks superpowers ;)


To have a relationship with your ex about the children isn't unusual. But it is exactly that "about". There are times when you have to be in the same space to support your children. That's OK too. But in those times the new spouse should be invited too. Like sports or awards and accolades of life. You don't go off with the ex and just move on from there. To me that's plain weird.

Now that this has been moved. I will comment on it. Thanks superpowers ;)


To have a relationship with your ex about the children isnt unusual. But it is exactly that "about". There are times when you have to be in the same space to support your children. Thats ok too. But in those times the new souse should be invited too. Like sports or awards and accolades of life. You dont go off with the ex and just move on from there. Too me thats plain weird.

She has already made your choice and can't respectfully go back on her decision; that is what she is displaying here and is confusing to the children. Who do they turn to, new dad, or old dad. That decision making is counter-productive to a life long goal for the children to lean on, IMO. I really don't think this is a good way to raise children, she is instituting a double standard here, do what I say, not as I do.

I actually don't agree it's about "new dad, old dad." They will always have their dad. But in my opinion, the relationship between their father and mother should be less ambiguous than this appears to be. Again, this is partly a matter of taste and values. For some people this scenario would fly, but it doesn't for the OP (and it wouldn't for me), so they need to talk this out.


Enigma,
Can you explain in what way you think it is good for the kids? I don't agree. I think it sends them a confusing message and would make them harbor hopes you will get back together. In my opinion it is, at best, neutral, and possibly harmful. AND I think it's bound to make most other partners uncomfortable. But you feel pretty strongly about this, so can you provide a rationale as to why you think it's good for kids?

And, by the way, I totally agree about the laying down of the law being a really unfortunate way to approach such a delicate matter.

There is no way I would feel comfortable with this. You have children and I'm sure they don't call anything but Daddy.

I'll bet her children don't call you Daddy. All of you all need to sit down and talk this out.

I would think an amusement park would be better as a WHOLE family.

The kids will be happier with more kids to play with and go on rides with.

When I was little id take friends with me or my cousins with me so my day would be better!

I think it should be an open Invitation.

How would your Spouse react if you took your kids to an amusement park and didn't offer to take her and her kids? I am pretty sure you would be in the bad books for a while.

Talk to her. Tell her how you feel. If she doesn't listen then you need at ask why she wants to go alone with him.

Have you met the ex, do you two have any kind of relationship?
You do need to speak with you wife though and let her know you're not understanding why this family outing is going to be a regular thing. I mean why did they divorce?

Sorry I see this as a totally bad thing, you are divorced, he is divorced and the kids do not need to get the idea that mom and dad are getting back together.

Sorry , I think I see why he is divorced once, ( telling you not asking) and most likely why he will soon be divorced twice.

Persoanlly I would tell him if he goes, don't bother coming back.

Where is your ex wife? Do you get along with her?

Hello again,

It's me alone in here on this one.

I'm a strange bird though.

What I mentioned before in my previous post is just my opinion. If I were married or had a boyfriend, I would ask if they felt comfortable, if not then that would put an end to that.

Had she put it to Total like that, then perhaps he wouldn't be here in this situation. Or perhaps if they all went together and she included him and his family, then he would feel more at ease.

Again, this is what works for me and it's just my opinion on this.

I thinks it's good that Total veiw every aspect even if he doesn't like what is said ( I mean mine, not anyone elses). No disrespect.

While I can see how important this whole thing could be, I really don't like the ways its done. A bit of upfront honesty makes it okay in my book, but shoving it down my throat, at the last minute with no warning, or discussion, just doesn't work for me. Sorry, but if it was that important seems a talk at least would have been in order. Is this a deal breaker? Maybe NOT, but the rest of the relationship better be picture perfect.

While I can see how important this whole thing could be, I really don't like the ways its done. A bit of upfront honesty makes it okay in my book, but shoving it down my throat, at the last minute with no warning, or discussion, just doesn't work for me. Sorry, but if it was that important seems a talk at least would have been in order. Is this a deal breaker? Maybe NOT, but the rest of the relationship better be picture perfect.

I wonder how she would feel (the wife) if hubby called his ex and made weekend plans for a movie and dinner afterward he, his ex and the kids.

I have never been divorced, let alone remarried, and would have to ask why this was never discussed before. Seems you have a right to know what the real deal is, or take that crap, and shove it. Wonder what YOUR kids think about this? Is it fair at all?

Why is this making my skin crawl?

I have never been divorced, let alone remarried, and would have to ask why this was never discussed before. Seems you have a right to know what the real deal is, or take that crap, and shove it. Wonder what YOUR kids think bout this? Is it fair at all??

Why is this making my skin crawl?

Brecause like all of us know there is something wrong with this. I wouldn't put up with it for five minutes. She wants to hang on and why I don't know.

I have never been divorced, let alone remarried, and would have to ask why this was never discussed before. Seems you have a right to know what the real deal is, or take that crap, and shove it. Wonder what YOUR kids think bout this? Is it fair at all??

Why is this making my skin crawl?

Is it fair at all? No!

That's something that doesn't sit well with me either. I'm sitting here reading this over and over again. It doesn't make sense. The fact that this wasn't discussed prior to the marriage.


Total, did you ask what if the tables were turned? How would she take it?

Is it fair at all? No!

That's something that doesn't sit well with me either. I'm sitting here reading this over and over again. It doesn't make sense. The fact that this wasn't discussed prior to the marriage.


Total, did you ask what if the tables were turned? How would she take it?

Good question. I also asked if his wife's ex had remarried? If so how does she feel? Where is your ex wife?

Good question. I also asked if his wife's ex had remarried? If so how does she feel? Where is your ex wife?

I guess we will just have to wait to see when he returns to answer all of our questions.

Is it fair at all? No!

That's something that doesn't sit well with me either. I'm sitting here reading this over and over again. It doesn't make sense. The fact that this wasn't discussed prior to the marriage.


Total, did you ask what if the tables were turned? How would she take it?


No, I didn't ask if the tables were turned. I didn't think it was relevant. The overall point here is that I disagree with it, and therefore there should be some discussion about why... not rationalizations about why its best for the kids sake. What about the sake of our marriage, and respect for it? There are plenty of opportunities to see the kids, so a separately planned exclusive outing is complete bull**** in my opinion.

Have you met the ex, do you two have any kind of relationship?
You do need to speak with you wife though and let her know you're not understanding why this family outing is going to be a regular thing. I mean why did they divorce?

I have no relationship with the ex. I do not harbor any animosity, but I'm not sure I will ever understand why that would make any sense.

They got a divorce because he was a mime.

No, I didn't ask if the tables were turned. I didn't think it was relevant. The overall point here is that I disagree with it, and therefore there should be some discussion about why...not rationalizations about why its best for the kids sake. What about the sake of our marriage, and respect for it? There are plenty of opportunities to see the kids, so a separately planned exclusive outing is complete bull**** in my opinion.

Then tell her you don't like the idea. As I said before, how would she feel if you did the same thing with your ex?

Where is your ex wife? Do you get along with her?

My ex wife is likely getting her hair done. I get along with her via text.

Then tell her you don't like the idea. As I said before, how would she feel if you did the same thing with your ex?

Oh trust me, I told her I didn't like the idea. But I was told that its best for the kids to have divorced mom and dad take them places together, just like old times. Apparently I am unreasonable.

My concern was met with rationalizations and pushback... not considerations for she and I.

My ex wife is likely getting her hair done. I get along with her via text.

He was a MIME? As in mime?

He was a MIME? As in mime?

The dude rarely spoke.

the dude rarely spoke.

Well, I think you need to tell her you and your ex are going to do the same thing. What's fair for her is fair for you. I don't like game playing at all, but see how she reacts. There has to be a solution or it's going to damage your marriage. I can't believe she didn't tell you this before you married. That was very wrong of her.

This is one of those things where it is not okay with you, that she is spending 12 hours with her ex, and her kids on an outing.

And to add to that, the prospect of more of the same.

My opinion aside (I can only guess what that would feel like to be in your shoes), your needs are not being met, and there are other children here, who are likely going to be affected down the road, should these outings continue as they are. Without balance.

It is a whole picture, not just this part or that part. The actions of one, affect everybody. What kind of signals is the ex husband getting, what are their children thinking. What are your children thinking. I imagine it is confusing to them, and the only one this makes sense to is your wife. For some reason, her need to keep up with family outings with a family that no longer exists, must have more to it than just a day at the park.

The time for them to do regular family outings is over. They are no longer a family, as in husband, wife, kids.

And more of the same, with future outings already on the table, is inappropriate.

You may have to insist on some boundaries here. One might be that if she is doing this just for the sake of the kids (which may or may not be an excuse), then tell her all future outings will be her, you, and ALL the kids. The new family in other words, that she has a priority to, and doesn't exclude anybody. Except her ex.

What nags at me the most about this is, why. Why does she need the ex at all. He is the past. Their parenting days together are over. Why does she think that everybody should accept her decision, without compromise, just because she wants what she wants.

You have every reason to have expectations when you marry somebody. The first one is honesty, and I've yet to hear a reason for her actions. The second one is trust, and how can you trust someone who figures it's okay to have an ongoing relationship with an ex. And that is really what it is.

If my husband walked out the door to spend 12 hours on an outing with his ex, and their two children, I would be questioning everything. But, add to that that she's dug her heels in, and this will be a regular routine in YOUR life, I would be inclined to say that this has to be put on the table, and you need answers. Why she is doing it, and why she won't stop.

Just the fact that she made an arbitrary decision that only seems to satisfy her need to be with her ex, without you, and only their children, and not all the children, leaves me thinking that something is simmering with her, and needs to be dealt with.

And further, whatever that is, to know there is more coming- what's next- a ski getaway?

An outing could mean many things, but the bottom line is, her version of an outing is odd.

What precipitated their divorce? Did they just decide they were no longer a couple and split, was there infidelity involved? I am curious to know why she left her last husband and how long it was before she re-married.

Tick

Hi total,

Like everyone else on this board, my feelings are very mixed as well.

I could understand if there was a problem to do with their education and they both had an appointment to go to the school together... being the parents etc..
I could also understand a short visit to the park occasionally, but to spend 12 hours in the company of a person you did not want to spend your life with, remains a mystery to me.

Whilst there will be times where only parents are permitted to accompany their children to special events etc... you included with your ex'... these will only be a limited time... a good example would be open evening at the school.

I think most people would say that they want things to stay as normal as possible in respect of their children.I suspect this may be her defence when questioned about this outing, but the situation that they will find themselves in ( for the sake of the chidren) is not reality, giving the children a false sense of security.

Kids would much rather be told the situation upfront, they are not stupid.
Surely they would have sat them down and explained what was going to happen before the divorce, in which case they know it's all a sham... so why bother!

I don't think you can absolutely forbid her to go on these visits as there will be times as I've said when they may be ill or a problem at school etc.. but I do think that you should make your feelings known, I also think that as someone else said why not all of you go together, after all you are adults, it is an amusement park, him with his new partener/wife,
You and your wife, plus all 4 kids should provide quite a bit of amusement... you probably will get on like a house on fire.
To go one step further, tell her you have decided to take your kids as well, and make a day of it.

Her reaction will say it all...

I think its OK as long as you two trust each other. It shows the kids you can all be adults and they can still have "family time" even though they are divorced. It lets them know its OK and they are still loved by both and its not making them choose. Maybe your wife said it the wrong way but I think its OK.

This is over a year old