How to overcome regret over lost years, hope and dreams?

Explain further for us.

Never hold regrets. Look at it as lessons or memories. Life.

Please tell us your story and we can help you more.

The (short)story is following:
I had a husband for 23 years, he had several affairs for these years as I learned later. When I discovered one of them 12 years ago - after stopping crying/dying/etc I filed for divorce. He managed to sneak back slowly by persistently being nice and helpful. I eventually agreed to get together and try again. I moved out from my own place, job and other securities to his place in different town. I had lost my pension plan at my old place, prestigious faculty position, friends and supportive working environment. I sold the house that our son just left after graduation - he took it very hard. Only later I realize that even young adult who probably will never come to live with you again needs this sense of security that we all called 'home".
I moved with my husband with full hope to get our life together finally. He started his school as well, seemed changed for more adult-like behavior...
In 2 years after I moved with him he got in love with the girl who was a cleaning lady at his office for 3 years. That would be fine, but he did not tell me that this is the situation. Only when I bumped in him and her he decided that I am not good anyway, that he “always wanted to get divorce” and all of a sudden he had realized that she is his real wife, not me. Needless to say that she, this girl, younger that his daughter (I was his second wife).
At this time he had his new degree, started to do very well in his career and also moved with all his might into new business, started to get good income (we had always struggled before, I worked, but he had all kind of projects that never succeeded until THIS time).
Divorce was painful. I begged and cried, he was hard and swift. At some point he filed the criminal charges against me that were dismissed, but caused lots of problems for me.
Our son from most important person for his father became somebody to whom he calls once a month.
Anyway, I do not talk to him after he filed the charges. He had sent me couple of cards asking for forgiveness, but they were dry and boring, not sincere, kind of squeezed.
I did not look much for any info about him for these 3 years, refused to listen gossips and news whatsoever. Recently I accidentally bumped on him in the mall. He did not see me, I had a chance to look at him well. He looked old and he gained a lot of weight. He projects wealth and well-being as he wears expensive clothes and drives expensive car. Another word - fat cat. I looked at Facebook - his girlfriend (he calls her wife, but all of them - her, him and her daughter, have different last names) lives in a fairy tale. Travel several times a year in Asia and Europe, staying in a luxury hotels, she does not work, likes only shoes, bags and dresses from Dior. He is full of love and care for her and her daughter and her mother, who is about his age, by the way.
Myself - I am well. Nothing spectacular, just ordinary middle age woman. I have a boyfriend, not perfect, but very nice person. I have well paid job. Manage well financially.
Our son is doing very well, except that he admits that he misses his father who is not available emotionally, physically and financially.
I can go forever describing this situation. However, since I had seen him recently had shaken me quite badly. I am restless, depressed, cry a lot. I cannot get over of unfairness, pain, sadness and envy that all this lavish care he displays (literally)he had never provided for us. That years we had together were difficult, but very hopeful as we both were building something together for us, our son and extended family as well (we had moved to the US from eastern Europe). It seems to me that he almost plays theatrical performance of "how good husband he is for the right person". Why she is right and why was I wrong? I mean I was not bad really. Neither was he. Just usual couple of imperfect people. Is it realistic that a person can jump from one state of being into another, changed completely into different person and move from 0 into new marriage? As soon as he left me he bought her new car, jewelry, clothes. I had seen some of the bills as they were coming to our house – lots of money were spent right on spot. Is he really feels happy and needed so much that he is investing all his resources to these strange people? Strange because they are not from his social circles, age group or educational level. It is all material there, no real essence to me, yet lots of flattering comments from many friends who are all new to me. I cannot understand this. Something is not right. May be it is just me, however. I just have to say that it really hurts. I guess I want some kind of justice there, but you know, it is not in my hands…

Your best course of action I think would be to start rebuilding a life that you enjoy without him in it. You have been successful on your own before, and you will be again. I have no doubt of that. Neither should you. Have no regrets about past mistakes, we all have made them at one time or another, some of us have made many, so just forgive yourself, and get busy with getting the life you want for yourself.

You really need to let go and focus on your own life. I see you being so obsessed with his new lifestyle that's its over shadowing your own happiness you could have. Who cares about his wealth and flashy clothes and cars. Do you really think money is making him happy?
You need to look at the picture as a whole. Why did his first marriage end? Did he have an affair then also? If he cheated on you more then once don't you think he will also cheat on her?
Isn't it possible she is only with him for the materials?
I say bye-bye and be happy to be rid of him. I kind of see you might be feeling jealous. But of what? Why can't you live the same life he does? Sure maybe it might take a bit longer to save for the lavish things but in the end you will appreciate them more.
I can understand seeing him after that long will sting a bit. But you had a history together. You loved each other at one time. It may always have an effect on you no matter the amount of time that has passed. You need to try and focus on your life and your happiness and leave him to his own life.

Many people out there would feel jealous of the fact that you are financially secure and have a nice boyfriend. Many women are just not that lucky, so try to concentrate on the positive a little.

It probably does tick you off that you worked hard and did what was right while he played around and on Facebook he looks like he's doing wonderful.

Just remember that looks can be deceiving. Underneath they may be buried in debt and it's more than likely he's still out there cheating.

Try to consider yourself lucky that he's someone else's problem now.

I feel your pain and I really wish that you will feel better soon. You said here yourself that you have a good life and a nice boyfriend now. Isn't it something worthwhile and worth taken good care of? I understand that you just saw him, so the old bad and painful feelings come up and it causes such a deep pain. The point is that whatever he did to you, it's the past already and now you have your own life and a lot of people who love you. Please don't cry for someone who treated you badly and did not love you. Why do you care anyway? If someone causes me that much pain, I don't care if he rich or poor, popular or unpopular, happy or sad. I will focus on stay away from the person, be happy and work on my own life. His life is not my business anymore.

My ex dumped me in the most disgusting way and now he has a very good successful life: seem unfair, isn't it? But you know that I don't care. Even if he becomes deeply in love with someone else, it only proves that he's not the one for me and again I don't care. With all the bad treatments and all suffers he did to me, this person becomes a total stranger and for me he is still the same jerk (even he becomes so successful and popular among other people). Please don't give him that much credit and waste energy on this man. There're people who treat you badly, even you don't do anything bad to them at all, so just avoid and don't associate with them. At the same time, positively, there're also lot of people who are so kind, love, and truly care for you even when you don't ask for, please focus on them and be thankful how lucky you are.

YOU ARE NOT THE ONE WHO CAN CONTROL WHETHER HE IS HAPPY OR NOT BUT YOU ARE DEFINITELY THE ONE WHO CAN CONTROL YOUR OWN HAPPINESS.

Finally, as a good person, I believe you are, we don't expect bad things to happen to other people (even they treat us badly or do bad things to us). You are far better than that. You can start by accepting the fact that it was over between you and this man. It can be hard but you can continue practicing the art of "Letting go". Focus on something you can control (your life and your own happiness). Spending time dwell with the past you can't fix or someone who doesn't worth it will only impede you to step forward. There're a long long road and bright future ahead. You can feel it, build it, and enjoy it.

Right on! That lavish life could all be on credit. Ha! Good for them.

Huge THANK YOU for all! I do appreciate your responses. I am surprised at myself that I reacted so badly to all of this after 3 years, actually it is 4 by now. It feels as if all wounds are open again. I am embarrassed to admit that I feel jealous, though I should know better that misalliance is misalliance and glitter is poor substitute for gold. I am trying to focus on myself and, I hope somebody else may learn from it, it seem we have to have some sort of closure to the events, especially such significant and painful. What is it – this closure? It looks like I am searching for inner explanation to the things that happened to me. Knowing right from wrong seems not enough. It has to be felt deeply somewhere, the very answer to all, some sort of “aha” moment.
I think this is also the problem of self-esteem. Could it be because I did not have parents when I was a very young child? I was raised by my grandmother and I have very serious (maybe too serious) attitude to the family, relationships, connection.
You are right saying that the man isn’t worth to cry about. He really is not that great and looks comical next to his arm candy. The problem is me. What is the heck I am wasting my emotions about? Life is short and I did not learn French yet!

[QUOTE=wonderlife;2499459]
"Finally, as a good person, I believe you are, we don't expect bad things to happen to other people (even they treat us badly or do bad things to us). You are far better than that. "
Thank you fro pointing it out, Wonderlife. I do have to admit that I hoped for some sort of 'punishment" for these people. Maybe I was disappointed that it did not happened? This is not acceptable and has to go. Perhaps my anger and powerlessness hurt me the most...

All that glitters is not gold.
His life may seem wonderful and it may not be. It may seem wonderful and it could be. But you need to focus on how your life is better without the drama of him and not on what it could have been or what he has now.
Live in today not yesterday.
You have security and peace of mind now. Be thankful for it.

I just also realize how good is that I can actually say what I feel here at this site as I cannot share my "latest drama" with anybody whom I know

OH basking I am still waiting for that "aha!" moment in every area of my life. From having a second chind to my career path. It won't happen unless I make it happen. The same goes with you. Your "aha" will come when you realize your life is better when your not dwelling on the past. Its only holding you back from a brighter future. I feel your going to compare everything to what might have been and its going to keep you stuck where you are and never move forward. The word you used was perfect, glitter. I am sure they look like glitter in all that they have and show. But I would be willing to guess if you strip that away his arm candy wouldn't be with him. She would be long gone. I also am guessing they aren't as perfect and happy as they may seem. All the money and materials in the world can't make you happy if that person with you isn't the right one.

thank you again.
a little joke for you:

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa - half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe - well-developed and open to trade, especially
for something of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain - very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece - gently aging, but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all-conquering past..

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel - has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada - cool, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet - wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages... an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran - ruled by nuts.

THE END.

You are welcome Baskingonthesun :) This whole nightmare was the past and it's years ago, so I know you will be fine. Please just focus on present and don't dwell with the past, OK?

Believe me I truly understand the feeling of wanting some punishment for someone who really hurt us or treat us really bad. Unfortunately, we seem (even it's really true or not) to see them go so well with their life. My ex is now very successful and get a dream career advancement. I shouldn't have known all this as I implement the No Contact very strictly but I just knew it by chance. I was very angry when I just knew it last week. I invented lot of stupid plans in my mind, for example, sending email to scold my ex, cut him from business benefits he gained from me when we were together, keep praying that bad things happen to him.

And you know what I just learned? I realized I feel very tiring and feel like I gave lot of credit to someone who's just total worthless. All of my bad willings for him won't affect him at all, it only affects me negatively and makes me become a person fill with resentment and anger in the heart which will ruin me and obstruct me from moving forward if I don't just let it go. Imagine how pathetic I will look if I turn all my pathetic plans into actions? I think I am a better person and I won't lower myself to his level and shows him that he still has some influences on me.

Therefore, I come up with a new thought that as long as this ex guy, who really suffered me, become permanently out of my life. I don't have to see him, don't have to hear his voice, don't have anything to do with him. I consider it the best thing that god gives me already. I keep focusing on present and on me. I hope that one day, if by chance, I have heard anything about him or see him in a public place, I can really feel total indifferent about him.