So my friend iintroduced me to this guy friend of hers via fb. He's at a military academy currently and has restricted communication abilities. We talk via Facebook alll the time. He broke the rules once, and video chatted me, and he was granted phone privileges for tonight and is using it as an oppportunity to call me instead of his mom, sister, etc. We have planned to actually, in person, meet over christmas break through my friend. I know all we've had is something online, but he seems for real. More for real that past guys. He seems very genuine. Very sweet. And I'm starting to get slightly attached. According the mutual friend, he has gotten very attached to me. At the same time, I'm at college and as much as I feel like this guy is near perfect for me (just from the little bit I know), I want to date around. But the thing is, I feel guilty doing that. I know we're not techinically in a relationship so it wouldn't be cheating, but I feel like if I found out he were dating other girls, I might be a little hurt... what's your take?

He's perfect for you,even from the little bit you know!

Hmmm.

You don't really know him at all though.

I suggest you go about your normal life date if your dating,all your really doing is striking up a friendship,make that perfectly clear.

He is in a totally different world right now,so be straight up,nothing wrong in being friends or developing a friendship,BUT, don't make promises,don't lead him astray either.

So,to end,be straight up with him,date all you want,your only developing a friendship,yoo could arrange to meet closer to the date as friends,see from there.

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to redhed35 again.

You don't really know him nor he you.
You are moving way to fast on this. Stop the wishful thinking and enjoy the friendship.

I mean you guys are right, it really is a friendship. But we have a connection. And I know its hard to say that from meeting someone online, but its true. We have a connection. Many of the same intrests. He exhibits many of the qualities I've looked for, and I do that for him. I'm not stupid, I know I can't decide to fall in love with someone without actually experiencing him, observing how he interacts with others, etc. but what I'm feeling is a huge major crush on him. Idont know how to push past that TO be able to date around

You have developed that wonderful feeling of "what if" I see. I am sure he is wonderful in every way. But just continue to live your life. Right now you seem to be jaded by this fairy tale and you haven't even met him. I am not at all saying he isn't the one for you. I am just saying don't put all your eggs in one basket because he may not have one hatching for you. Sure if you don't want to date other guys that's fine. But don't turn a blind eye to every guy that shows you interest either. Mr.Right could be sitting right next to you in class but your in lust with a vision. Just keep your options open. If he comes home and then you decide to go forward. Best wishes.

You are just starting college, getting a way from parents and other things. You have been thrown out into a world that is fascinating to you, as is this guy.
Chill! It's not that serious.
You don't really know him and there is a whole world out there, don't let yourself get caught up in a guy you don't even know.
Have your classes even started yet?

If you don't know him then that's where it stops. Many of us love an "idea". And so far that's really all he is. This person is tied up right now and married to the corps. Hes in a military academy and if he ever has to go to war he will be completely different person when he returns. This is one of the situations that its best to hang back and observe. If your having guilt feelings then concentrate on your studies and focus on your own well being for a bit. With college your life is just starting. And your still picking out exactly where your heading. Make smart choices.

Califdad.. I see what you're saying, but at the same time I feel like you think its pointless.

He got phone privileges last night and I talkked to him for almost an hour, until I realized it was nearing midnight and I had an early class. It was nice.. but the more I fall, the more I try to convince myself that I'm possibly making the biggest mistake. There's where my problem is lying currently

You don't have to fall, you are wanting to, allowing yourself to fall.
You tell yourself this makes no sense, you're just starting college he's in the Military and now is not the time. Then you get your butt in gear and concentrate on school.
Stop romanticizing this.

I'm not romanticizing anything. That would imply that I'm trying to turn it into a relationship when I cant, and that's not what's happening at all. Besides, I'm trying not to fall. I'm telling myslef not to but I am. Its not like I'm turning nothing into something. He feels the same way I do. And normally I wouldn't trust him, part of me really doesn't, but part of me does because one of my closest friends knows him extremely well and wouldn't lie to me about what's going on

My daughter just went through this same scenario.

They were online friends, he was in the Army and he got limited privileges, however he was able to get leave a couple times to see her. When he sent her a plane ticket to his parents' house, I was both suspicious and worried sick for her safety, but she is 19. She makes her own decisions and she decided to see him regardless.

She was gone 2 weeks. It all went well, but what they discovered while she was back there, was that although they are great friends, and romance is nice, he's not compatible with her in a relationship way. They stay in touch as friends, but both have moved on.

My advice to you is the same I gave my daughter.

A long distance relationship can work out if both people partake in a mature agreement to make it work. That means both work at this relationship, but this is only after a foundation for a real relationship has been formed.

You met online. You have a great mental relationship, but in person people are often far different than they seem online.

You have no foundation to the relationship at this point, because it's built on a format where truths can be told, as easily as untruths can.

You already know that internet-based relationships without real, physical contact and knowledge of each other can both be #1: dangerous (you don't know that this man is really in the military, nor that he is a safe person) and #2: just as easy to stop as it was to start. You simply hang up.

To me, that does not mean a commitment of any type, and my advice to my own daughter was that if that is the type of commitment level she wanted, then it would suffice, however if it was not, then it would not suffice. The question is, what do you want out of a relationship?

My advice to you is to do what you think is best, however to take everything said on this forum into consideration, first.

You guys don't even know each other.
Think about it. You have exchanged e-mails spoken on the phone.
You are both probably first year students so you're reaching out.
Don't make this bigger than it is. Remember the vacation fling, how you went overboard with that?
Slow this train down. Relax, have a friendship and see where that goes. Don't talk to each other so much, meet other people.

You are NOT in a "relationship" with this person. You chat on line and, apparently, talked on the phone once.

I personally think it's not terribly smart and/or sensible to plan to go ANYWHERE to meet this guy - you'll be in unfamiliar territory, what is things don't work out, what if he's (minimally) boring or (the far side) slightly nuts?

You need to know him a LOT better before you make any arrangements to do anything.

And you would be hurt to learn he's dating someone else? He's not dating you.

Tell him straight up just how you feel.
Get those lines of communication open and in constant use.

Be honest with him, tell him in the same general wording of your post. I thought you did a great job on that.

Judy Homegirl and PI are right when they say you don't really know anybody by online "relationships"... but you sound aware of this also.

I hope things work out well for you, and seeing that you are giving this some good thought and not packing up to move in with a stranger... I'm confidant it will.

How old is this kid.
You say according to a mutual friend he has gotten very attached. What does that mean? You two don't even know each other.
I think you both are two lonely kids reaching out, and that's OK, but don't make it more than it is.
Get to know the young people that are around you at your school. Don't cut yourself off from that for a phone crush. It makes no sense.

Since you aren't in a committed relationship, you have nothing to feel guilty about if you want to continue to date others.

I know it holds the possibility of being something more, you get along, so far he seems to be the kind of guy you could see yourself in a relationship with, but for now it is just starting. Try to think more with your head and less with your heart! (not always easy to do)

Continue to spend the time talking and getting to know each other. Sometimes you do learn more just from talking because that is all you have right now.

After you actually get to meet in person, and spend some time together, you will have a better idea of where you both might want this to go.

Wait and see if you get to a point where you don't want to date anyone else. Then you will know that you want to focus on this relationship. Until that time, and IF it happens, enjoy spending time with other people and getting to know them. You may find someone more available to you that you want to know better.

p.s. I met my husband out of the blue online 11 years ago. We talked for 8 months before we met in person.

Your heart is telling you one thing, and your head another.

While you are falling for this guy online, what is to say that you wouldn't be casually dating at college, and fall for someone. That would put you in the same position.

You would want to get to know him better, at the same time keep your options open.

So, regardless of how you met, the point is that you have feelings for him, and aren't sure what to do about it.

Until you can actually meet in person, as hard as it will be, put the feelings on ice until the day he is home. Most of what you already have come to know and like about him (he sounds wonderful) will either be confirmed upon his arrival, or you will wonder what the heck you saw in him.

I would imagine that he is having the same kind of reservations as you are.

So, keep going out, keep having fun, and don't stop doing anything you would normally do.

It sounds like enough of a friendship has been established, that you can work and build upon that for now.

Best of luck that this may work out for you. Love is a wonderful thing.

PrivateID, I understand what you are saying, and thank you. But I want to make it clear that I do know he is in the military. He is who he says he is. We have video chatted and he is friends with one of my best friedns

Homegirl and Judy, I *have* learned from my past which is exactly why I feel I'm in a tough spot. Every time I react on my feelings, I've gotten hurt. So I want to move on, but this is causing huge internal conflict.
Jake, thank you for understandidng. I have gone out and flirted with and tried to get to know ottherr guys over the past week or so. I mean, it works for a bit, but then I just don't feel like... I don't know.. I feel like its just all good fun, and can't evolve..

Who says something needs to evolve. You're what 18? Have fun. Why do you want to be attached to someone.
This guy could be nice but only be nice as a friend. Nothing wrong with that.
Have fun. Don't stay to yourself waiting to meet this guy in person. You should be enjoying yourself now.
Enjoy today!

I do go out and enjoy myself, I just said that. But I haven't foundinteresting guys yet, but then again, the year is still young. And I would like for somethng to evolve with a guy. I'm going to sound needy and dependent when I say this, but I need a relationship. I need a healthy loving relationship... psychological problems I guess.. daddy issues.. whatever the reason may be, I need something real. Isn't that what everyone wants?

i do go out and enjoy myself, i just said that. but i haven't found interesting guys yet, but then again, the year is still young. and i would like for something to evolve with a guy. im going to sound needy and dependent when i say this, but i need a relationship. i need a healthy loving relationship... psychological problems i guess.. daddy issues.. whatever the reason may be, i need something real. isnt that what everyone wants?

If you feel you need a relationship you are not ready for one. You have issues that a boy is not going to fix. You have issues that need to be dealt with first, then you can go into a relationship a emotionally healthy person not a needy one. Needy is not attractive. No one wants to be with someone like that. It can be very draining.
You need to feel good about yourself by yourself. A boy will not do that for you.

I don't know maybe I worded it wrong, I don't mean I'm needy in that I need constant attention, I'm clingy, etc.. But like, I need to know that there is actually someone out there who truly cares about me and my happiness, someone who I can also show to them that I care. I need a healthy relationship in my life.

You can have that with friends and family. A boy is not going to do that for you.
You're 18 years old. You don't NEED a relationship.
Enjoy and get through your first year of college, make friends. You don't need the drama that can go along with dating while you're navigating your first year of college.

You've read my other posts.. I'm pretty sure its been made clear that I can't really have that with my family. Not the way I should.

I've read all of your other posts - you appear to have either no or very little respect for yourself and that is only going to get worse as you get older and more insecure.

You need to speak to a professional about your need to cling, be the girl on the "side," get involved in what are basically phantom relationships. Your posts are all about very conflicted relationships - you and your best friend (who now is apparently no longer your best friend) are in "love" with the same guy, you met someone on Spring break and does he love you and on and on.

Again - you really do need to talk to someone and like yourself before you can expect anyone else to love you.

you've read my other posts.. im pretty sure its been made clear that i can't really have that with my family. not the way i should.
You are not going to find what you're looking for in a boy either.
This young man is trying to navigate his way through the military and life. Do you think he can emotionally take care of you too?
You need a professional to talk to. Someone who can help you with these feelings you're having. Yourself esteem is pretty low and you're thinking a person is going to lift you up, make you feel better about yourself. It doesn't work that way.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/faq.php

Please refer to the rules of the site regarding the reputation system.

Judykaytee gave you good sound advice,you may not like the advice but that does not mean its incorrect.

Ask yourself what it is YOU can do to improve your situation.

What your doing is not working,your getting the same results over and over,do something different for a different result.

You say you have changed into a better person since you started college ( a week ago) What you are doing is the same thing all over again. Trying to attach yourself to someone you don't know because they have spoken words that make you feel good. There is a pattern here.
All that judykaytee said was good advice and instead of listening (because it did not make you feel good) you go on the attack.
None of us are against you. We have enough life experience to see where you're headed and we care enough to want to steer you in the right direction.
I'm sure they have a counseling service at school. Talk to someone. Talk to other kids in your school. Talking to this young man is fine but to be so hung up in him that you feel like you're cheating on him is absurd. You two don't know each other.

[QUOTE=redhead1992 disagrees : i like myself just fine. ever since ive started college ive changed to a better person so far
.[/QUOTE]



Got to comment here but don't want to turn this into a blog - I see no change based on your posts (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/have-you-ever-cheated-relationship-been-cheated-492600.html; https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/teens/overbearing-parents-498374.html) during the (approximately) 10 days you've been in College.

Well the reason I hit disagree was because I do not believe professional help is so necessary.

And what I mean by I've changed, usually I let my past (whether the present was going well or not) to effect how I treated others, and I often treated people with a stinge of bitterness. But since I've come here, I have yet to let my past affect how I've treated others. I've been more friendly and kind to people. I used to not be able to last two days without getting super defensive with those around me. That has changed. I've found myself behaving in a more mature, adult manner. But then I have this whole thing going on where I have talked to other guys, tried to forget the online guy, blahblahblah and it doesn't work because I end up feeling guilty that I'm out with other guys. That's the problem I need to know how to fix. How to stop feeling guilty

Come back to this thread in four years and see if you feel still the same. Better yet, come back here in four years and see if you graduated from the same college you started in.

True, everyone does want love and to be loved, and everyone, at one point in their life, has done real silly stuff to try and get it, too.

Do what whatever it is you feel you got to do with this guy, but realize you're not attached to anyone, especially in college. If you're itching to date around, then do it.

First few months at college can be tough and a lot of people and they react to it. I'm guilty of this, I clung to whatever person that would listen to me. Then when I got comfortable, the fun began.

So with that being said, your future's only going to get brighter and more exciting. Good luck!

well the reason i hit disagree was because i do not believe professional help is so necessary.

and what i mean by ive changed, usually i let my past (whether the present was going well or not) to effect how i treated others, and i often treated people with a stinge of bitterness. but since ive come here, i have yet to let my past affect how ive treated others. ive been more friendly and kind to people. I used to not be able to last two days without getting super defensive with those around me. that has changed. ive found myself behaving in a more mature, adult manner. but then i have this whole thing going on where i have talked to other guys, tried to forget the online guy, blahblahblah and it doesnt work because i end up feeling guilty that im out with other guys. thats the problem i need to know how to fix. how to stop feeling guilty
There is no reason for you to feel guilty. You're not dating this guy, you've not promised yourself to him. You've never even met him. Why are you feeling gulty? Have you told him you will not talk to anyone else?

You don't need to forget the online guy... but you also don't need to keep yourself on the sidelines if you do happen to find someone of interest that you would like to get to know.

You said you still want to date around, so just don't limit your possibilities when you are still getting to know him better.

It may turn out that something does come of it at some point... it may not.

Why not find out how he feels about you and the friendship you have made. He may be feeling the same way, he may be thinking it is just a friendship and nothing more.

You won't know unless you ask him and, because this is online, all you have to talking to each other. All the more reason that communication is key for you.

I know for a fact he feels that its so much more than a friendship. And I think that's why I feel guilty, because he's anticipating a futre together, as am I, but I know I can't cut myself off... but I know that id be hurt if I found out he was seeing other girls, and I just don't wnt to hurt him... like, he gets kind of upset that he can't be here to protect me from dangerous situations... I know he's legit.

So Ive got a few things for you.

1. Your barely know this guy and have just been chatting him up on Facebook. Not much of a relationship there, though it can be the start of a friendship.
2. Don't make any promises or plan to date this guy. Things are always different online than in real life. So don't get too attached.
3.Meeting up might be a good idea when the time comes. But cross that bridge when it comes. Christmas is a 4 months away.
4. As for the mingle. It sounds like a double standard. You want to date, but you'd be hurt if he was dating. Personally, I don't think you should be that attached. If you want to date, then date. And if he wants to date, then let him. But make no promises until you actually meet him.

You never know, you could meet mister right before Christmas. You just never know. But live in the moment.

You both ought to be seeing other people.
It's OK to talk on the phone and on face book but to have these kind of intense feelings is a bit immature. You're falling into your old pattern.

i know for a fact he feels that its so much more than a friendship. and i think thats why i feel guilty, because he's anticipating a futre together, as am i, but i know i can't cut myself off... but i know that id be hurt if i found out he was seeing other girls, and i just dont wnt to hurt him... like, he gets kinda upset that he can't be here to protect me from dangerous situations... i know he's legit.



How do you "know for a fact" that he feels that it's so much more than a friendship and that he's anticipating a future together with someone he "knows" from Facebook and has never laid eyes on?

And how do you "know" he's legit? You've had someone check him out? By the way, I do "that" (checking) for a living and you would be amazed at some of the things I've found - including multiple "dates" on Facebook, each one thinking she's the one and only.

I think you are lying to yourself and you know it or you wouldn't be posting here.

My Best friend is good friends with him, so is her boyfriend. I just haven't ever met him... so yeah, he's been checked up on.

And yes, I know it's a double standard, and that's where my issue lies. Everyone keeps going on about not talking to him at all, which I have tried, doesn't work. I've tried to ignore him, not talk to him, I cant. But at the same time, I feel we should both date around. And yes, I agree with the no promise policy. I made him swear to never use the P word. And I haven't either

Who is saying to not talk to him? Why not talk to him if he's a nice guy, you enjoy chatting with him, your friends know him, he interests you, etc.. All of those things just doesn't mean it has to be exclusive at this time.

Tell him what you have said... you like him, you think he is great, but you don't know whether there might be more to it since you haven't actually met yet, so you think it best, that for now, you both leave your dating options open. It doesn't mean you automatically plan to seek other guys out, but if someone asks you to a movie, you might like to go.

No one is saying don't talk to him, we're just saying don't cut yourself off from other people. Don't get so serious with this. You don't even know each other.

Exactly. So what I need is advice on how not to be thinking about him all the time. How to not feel guilty when I go out with other guys or chat up other guys. I've even found myself hiding behind having this guy so I don't have to reach out to others, and I don't like that its not healthy. Instead of criticizing the fact that I'm feeling feelings for this guy, I need advice on how to suppress those feelings.. if that makes sense... that's whwat I've been trying to ask

exactly. so what i need is advice on how not to be thinking about him all the time. how to not feel guilty when i go out with other guys or chat up other guys. ive even found myself hiding behind having this guy so i dont have to reach out to others, and i dont like that its not healthy. instead of criticizing the fact that im feeling feelings for this guy, i need advice on how to supress those feelings.. if that makes sense... thats whwat ive been trying to ask

I don't think we have criticzied that you have feelings for him, after all it is natural to have feelings for someone you like and enjoy talking to. The point is just to be careful not to make more of this than there might be; not to exclude the possibility of meeting someone else since the relationship you do have it not exclusive.

No one can tell you how to stop thinking about him... and you don't have to; there is nothing wrong with that. Hey, this very well could be the one for you, who knows... I met my husband online just from a funny comment on a post he made.

If you don't want to go out with other guys, or if it causes you to feel guilty, then don't do it... simple as that.

I think you really need to talk to him and find out what his thoughts are about you and what his interest is. Let him know what you are struggling with. Lay the cards out on the table and find out whether this is moving towards being mutually exclusive or not. If you find out that he wants to move more slowly and still date others, then that can hopefully help you to not feel guilty if you find you do want to go out with someone or with several people. You may find those feelings become less intense as you are spending time with other guys and having some fun getting to know them too.

Just because you really like someone doesn't mean you have to stop getting to know others... you may find someone you like even more. It only becomes an issue when both people agree to have it be exclusive, and you don't know if that is the case or not.

Talk to him and find out, you can save yourself a lot of grief by knowing and not assuming how he may or may not feel.

exactly. so what i need is advice on how not to be thinking about him all the time. how to not feel guilty when i go out with other guys or chat up other guys. ive even found myself hiding behind having this guy so i dont have to reach out to others, and i dont like that its not healthy. instead of criticizing the fact that im feeling feelings for this guy, i need advice on how to supress those feelings.. if that makes sense... thats whwat ive been trying to ask

You do need to talk to him I think.

Tell him how you honestly feel. You're not sure, but it seems good as far as it has gone, but you will not be exclusive.

Maybe if it works out , exclusive may be in the future.

If he is hurt it is his own doing as long as you remain honest.

Start all relationships with Honest Communication It is the only was to build a good relationship.

No one can help you suppress your feelings for him, but I suggest you do go out with(I don't mean you have to date them) other people, do other things otherwise you sit around thinking about him and waiting for a phone call.
You have not known him for that long and you two have never met. Asking him about being exclusive may freak him out, but maybe it will help you, to make it clear that you like him, enjoy talking to him and hope to one day meet him, but understand that you both are free to date other people in the meantime.
I was not criticizing you, I'm just not understanding why you are feeling so attached to someone you hardly know and why it's keeping you from seeing other people. Of course you don't have to date anyone unless you want to.

Homegirl, you are completely right. And we have both decided not to make any type of commitment, because we know the risks. I hang out with other guys, have plenty of guys hit on me, but I just don't find myself interested in any of them.

The reason I'm feeling attached might have something to do with being reassured that someone likes me. I have self esteem issues. But nevertheless, you are right.

You seem to be a likeable person, you also seem to pick people from a distance. People who are not close, you deal with them from a distance.
At any rate, enjoy your first year of college. The dating thing will work it's way out.
I wish you well.

Here is the other half of the "I've changed" story - and it explains this (and other threads): https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/addictions/alcoholic-509188.html

Yeah, a lot of confusion here.