Why does my 25 year old daughter blame me for all her problems
Asked 2010-08-25 by tamitexan45 in Children with 0 reply
I found out 3 months ago that my 25 year old daughter who has a 2 year old was using herion. Her father and I have been divorced 16 years and he is a meth addict. He has pretty much been an absent father.She now lives with him his mother his sister and will have nothing to do with me. She lived with me when she found out she was pregnant ansd I even let the baby's dad move in. I was there when the baby was born and neither would work. The child s father left them and I got her back in college. Watched the baby while she was in school then had to go to work 10 hours a day. All was going well . My birthday was this past may and she gave me the most beautiful cards of thanks that her and the baby wouldn't know what they would have done without me. Then in June is when I found out about the drugs. I called her father and he came and got her and the baby. Told me he was going to put her in rehab. That never happen. The whole inlaw family are treating me like dirt and I can't even see the baby. What did I do I love her and was always there for her. My heart is so broke. The inlaws have lots of money and are control freaks. I still pay her phone bill. Does anyone have any advice. They came and got her bedroom suit the other day and all of them were screaming atme and it made me cry. My ex sister and law said look she wants to have a heartattack so she can blame you and my daughter agreed. Thy said her theapist said she has done nothing wrong. Hello herion and cocaine to my knowledge is wrong. I thought her father would help me instead this is now all my fault. What did I do wrong I couldn't leave my daughter here alone with the baby while I was at work. Neighbors told me as soon as I left for work people would pile in and said my daughter was always wasted. Help I am so heartbroken.

What your daughter or others say when they are on drugs, particularly heroin and cocaine which are pretty hard core, really isn't going to make sense. Spending time analyzing the drug-fueled rantings and thoughts of addicts also makes no sense.

There may be things you did that impacted her future when you were raising her, such as being in a marriage with an addict - a huge predictor for her own addiction issues. Perhaps you were with someone like that because you were involved in substance abuse yourself, or were raised in a similar environment? We teach what we know and copy what we know, so even when we are ourselves sober, we can carry what we learned in addictive environments into our relationships and still be impacted.

But looking into all this stuff about how you parented her, etc. can only be worthwhile for her benefit when she's off the drugs.

Given there is a baby involved, if I were you I'd focus on getting the baby out of the situation, perhaps by reporting the drug use to DCFS. I'd also consider cutting off the phone unless she agrees to treatment.

Prior to finding out about the heroin use, was there any other time that she was using?

I am of the opinion that adults make adult decisions. What she chose to do with herself, is not your fault, nor is it your responsibility.

You sound to me like you have gone above and beyond with taking on the responsibility of having both her and her boyfriend live in your home, and all the countless hours of babysitting, and no doubt other expenses, to boot. Perhaps if there is fault here, it is in not setting firm expectations the moment they moved in. i.e.. no friends in unless you are there, certain responsibilities, jobs, and paying their share of expenses.

Adult children can blame their parents for everything that has gone wrong in their lives, when the truth is, as adults, they call their own shots. Because your husband was a meth addict, does not mean that caused her to follow in his footsteps. Actually I would have expected the opposite. Why? Because you didn't do drugs, and you did the right thing in divorcing him for the sake of your children's emotional well being.

What you really have here is a woman, who happens to be your daughter, who is doing nothing out of the ordinary for a drug user. That is what she chooses to be. While she may be old enough to remember her father doing drugs, she would most likely have learned that that was not history that she wanted to repeat. She chose to do what she did, and there really is no making sense of it as dontknownuthin said, because it is a lifestyle, with its own peculiar needs and wants, which revolves only around getting the next fix.

That you are dealing with people who are feeding the addiction and the behaviour, pretty much makes it impossible for you to make any headway. They are an army with one goal- to enable their son, and your daughter, to continue the life they are living. Even without the drugs, they sound like they wouldn't set expectations or consequences for living off them by insisting they work, etc. Enabling goes far beyond excusing, or ignoring the obvious. They too make choices.

What you can do is realize how little you can do. You have control only over yourself, and how you respond to your daughter and her entourage. I wouldn't negotiate anything with your daughter until she passes two consecutive drug tests, and can prove in writing that she is attending addiction counselling. That is a reasonable expectation, should she knock on your door and expect you to bail her out without asking for anything in return.

You aren't doing her any favours by letting her back, without some concrete rules in place. That includes not only the counselling, but actual enrollment in school, and her daughter in daycare. If she can be creative enough in finding the money she needs to support her drug use, she can certainly put together a daycare schedule, and work to help support herself.

Only you know what she is capable of. Try not to underestimate her, and allow her to make the decision to change, on her own. If you give in, or allow her to manipulate you into bailing her out again, you can expect no changes. She will never grow up. Stop the cycle, stand firm, and allow her the confidence you have in her, to show you what she can do.

I don't know where you live, but if you have concerns about the safety of your grandchild, make a phone call to lodge your concerns with the CPS/CAS. That there will be backlash from 'the other side', the safety of your grandchild must come first. If it were me, I'd be calling a lawyer to see if there are grandparent rights that are honoured where youlive, and see what happens with that.

In the meanwhile, the last thing you might want to consider is, if she has a computer and access to email, send her an email once a week. Let her know what your week was like, how things went in general, just common chat. That may be your lifeline to her right now, and she may not respond, it is a connection that you can hopefullly build upon, should she decide to turn her life around.

It is difficult to cope when bizarre people do bizarre things to you that don't make sense. I would be inclined to put them all in the same toxic kettle of fish and just let them stew. Don't let them get to you, and practise tuning out all the resulting confusing thoughts that will never have any answers anyway.

Maybe consider keeping a diary, and if you can, also consider speaking to a therapist yourself. It may be the best thing you ever did for yourself.