Hi all,

I belong to a culture where after wedding, the girl move in with the guy and the guy lives with his family and move out when the couples start having kids.

I am engaed for almost a year now to an amazing guy. At first, his family did not want their son to marry me because I belong to a different cast. Well that was not much of an issue and they agreed almost the next day. After that our families met and I now a regulary go to their home for visits. I will get married in jan 2010.

Now my issue is that no matter how much I try to be nice and friendly with them, I mean I cook for them occasionally I call them regularly and take interest on what the other young kids are doing but they keep me at an arm's length. They do welcome me when I go to their place but they do not talk to me and they talk to their son only and they talk about anything except me. My FIL is good with me though, but my MIL and SIL ignores me like anything! They are polite and civil but cold. I am a very sensitive person. I should not care, I know, but I do. Also, I some how get the wibe from them that did me a favour by allowing their son to marry me! They give importance to their housemaids but not to me. And they fail to admit that their son now has someone other than them. They make plans with him that totally exclude me, in fact they don't even talk to me about any thing at all. They just pretend that I don't exist and its still just them and their beloved son.

My husband is a gem of a person but he fails to see this or maybe he does not want to see this because he loves and respects his parents a lot. I know I am at the top of his importance list but I don't know if I could spend my days and nights in a so called home where I will always be treated as a second citizen.

I am dreading to leave the coziness and warmth of my own family and go into a cold place where one day, I know I'll loose myself somewhere. That is the part I am scared of the most. I don't want my life to be that way.

Can anyone give me any advice on how to be stronger or ignorant or aloof or insesitive about it? Or am I over reacting? It scares me to think about a life where I can't be myself. Or where I am judged and scrutinized all the time. It scares me that maybe I will never have a place that I can call my own home.

I know you are sensitive, but it takes time for strangers to know one another, and warm up to each other. You have to learn there ways, and adjust, and they learn your ways and adjust.

Maybe you are use to your own home, but things are different outside your comfort zone, and it takes time to adjust. I imagine you both have your own prejudice because of the castes you are from, and it takes time, and patience to break the walls down.

I get the impression from similar questions here, that this is not an uncommon situation. It seems that there is a pecking order, and you aren't even on the list.

Whether this is just 'normal protocol' to keep you at arm's length, and essentially ignore you, and that it may improve when you are actually married, and in his home, remains to be seen.

But, I suspect that his mother will always be the authority in anything that goes on in her house, regardless if you are married or not. Your place will be behind her, and I doubt your husband would cross her.

So, I'm wondering if this lifestyle you are about to enter into, is something that you should be expecting. It shouldn't be a surprise that this is obviously the way the household is run, nor should it be a surprise when it doesn't change, after you are married.

You cannot change them. If it isn't possible for you and your husband to have your own place ready to go to immedately after being married, the life in his mothers house may be something you will have to endure, until you have a place of your own.

I think your concerns are certainly legitimate, and it is worthy of a serious talk with your intended. If it is a situation that you will not be able to cope with, you really have only one option, and that is not to marry him.