Growing up in this world submerged in a culture that glorifies sex has done nothing but scare me more. It's more complex than just being scared of the pain or the intimacy. I don't mind intimacy. But the very idea of sex terrifies me. Does this mean there's something wrong with me?

No. Because sex = babies

Growing up in this world submerged in a culture that glorifies sex has done nothing but scare me more. It's more complex than just being scared of the pain or the intimacy. I don't mind intimacy. But the very idea of sex terrifies me. Does this mean there's something wrong with me?

There is nothing wrong with you. Sex, and being sexually active should be the exclusive domain for committed couples, in a solid relationship.

As you say, it is portrayed as a sort of party game. Everything revolves, it seems, around looking a certain way, wearing certain types of clothing, giving off the impression that talking, looking, and acting like a sex object is socially okay, and really, you are a fish out of water if you hold higher values yourself.

People will disagree, but our culture does revolve around thinking about sex, prowling and hunting for sex, getting sex, and then doing the same thing the next day.

Not a lot of substance there.

But, the interesting thing to me is, even a generation ago, the game was still the same, it was just a little more subtle. It wasn't expected as much as it was attempted but with the same result. Those that aren't good at the game, think the result, after a one night stand, will be a phone call to start a relationship. Or that sex will keep a boyfriend, or that there is some sort of status in being experienced in sex.

Why standards are set so low is anybodys guess. But not everybody plays that game.

I think what you fear is not sex. It is thinking that you have to compromise yourself and have sex with a man, because you feel that is what is done, or expected, socially. Without regard to anything else, it is a part of the dating scene so to speak, and isn't often associated with being only a part of a relationship. To many, sex IS the relationship.

You will be judged for holding out, or having higher expectations of a partner or boyfriend. But, what you will have in return, is at least a solid foundation based on friendship, before any sex is introduced. First things first in other words.

When the time comes, you will know, and what you will experience is not an empty shell of a relationship, but something far more meaningful.

There is nothing wrong with you. Sex, and being sexually active should be the exclusive domain for committed couples, in a solid relationship.

As you say, it is portrayed as a sort of party game. Everything revolves, it seems, around looking a certain way, wearing certain types of clothing, giving off the impression that talking, looking, and acting like a sex object is socially okay, and really, you are a fish out of water if you hold higher values yourself.

People will disagree, but our culture does revolve around thinking about sex, prowling and hunting for sex, getting sex, and then doing the same thing the next day.

Not a lot of substance there.

But, the interesting thing to me is, even a generation ago, the game was still the same, it was just a little more subtle. It wasn't expected as much as it was attempted but with the same end result. Those that aren't good at the game, think the end result, after a one night stand, will be a phone call to start a relationship. Or that sex will keep a boyfriend, or that there is some sort of status in being experienced in sex.

Why standards are set so low is anybodys guess. But not everybody plays that game.

I think what you fear is not sex. It is thinking that you have to compromise yourself and have sex with a man, because you feel that is what is done, or expected, socially. Without regard to anything else, it is a part of the dating scene so to speak, and isn't often associated with being only a part of a relationship. To many, sex IS the relationship.

You will be judged for holding out, or having higher expectations of a partner or boyfriend. But, what you will have in return, is at least a solid foundation based on friendship, before any sex is introduced. First things first in other words.

When the time comes, you will know, and what you will experience is not an empty shell of a relationship, but something far more meaningful.

Thank you for that.
I find it hard to talk about my views with my friends because none of them really want to understand my views. I feel like they think I'm judging them and so they choose no to listen. I have to admit, I'm lucky my boyfriend understands. We've been together for almost two years and has never expected more from me. I just can't seem to understand how I'm the odd one out for choosing not to have sex. It literally shocks people and I can't fathom why. So I guess their statements have always made me feel isolated on this subject, like I'm the only one who's not willing. But I think I agree with you about my fears. Thank you again.

You are most welcome, but really, I think you have a good grip on it all.

It seems to me that a huge shift has happened over the past 30 years or so. Almost like things have gone backwards. Instead of restraint and respect, and working toward a solid relationship first, people hop in the sack, and worry about where 'the relationship' is going, when really, there was no relationship to start with.

I am glad that you and your boyfriend share a common understanding as to the nature of the relationship you have together, without sex being the main common denominator, or precursor to success. To me, it just doesn't work that way.

All you can do is know that others do agree with you. Absolutely hold your ground.

All the best to you and your boyfriend.

It's just nice to know that someone out there doesn't find me strange.
I agree with you about the change. It seems like there's no romance anymore. There's no friendship, no deep discussions or getting to really know each other. Now, it's just assumed that after a certain amount of time together, you should be sleeping together. But I want to be one in my generation to hold on to I guess some of the more "old fashioned" values. I've always believed in marriage first. And while many people I know scoff and tell me I let my religion control me, or tell me I haven't adjusted to the times, I still will stand by that conviction. Knowing others support me really helps.

Well, there is not just the fear of getting pregnant... you have the very real fear of HPV, AIDS, Herpes and a slew of other things to think about. Every encounter with a new person for casual sex increases the odds you will contract one of them. And because you DO think about them means you didn't sleep through Health Class like so many others have. You may not seem to have isolated exactly WHAT you fear... its possibly a combination of what I sugested along with the very real fear of being used by someone that's only REAL motivation is getting in your pants.