For the past two years I have been in love with a 34 year old woman in my office I am 47 but the age thing is unimportant to her. She has been living for the past five years with her boyfriend who seems abusive to her. On several occasions she has said to me that she would love to move out but due to her salary she can’t. She basically told me one day that she falls in love with the wrong kind of guy like the “bad boy” type. She is divorced because her ex cheated on her. I too am going through a divorce and she was my moral support. As of yet it has not been finalized.

We started like anyone else communicating. We seem to hit it off right away. We must have spent our entire days together. I would ask her if she would join me for coffee and we would spend an hour together just talking about the days events. She even asked me for my cell number. On special days like her birthday I would take her out to dinner. Last year I literally fell in love with her on her birthday. It struck me like a ton of bricks. I began to e-mail back and forth. First it was general e-mails then they grew more intense and more personal. She would share personal stories about herself as far as her visits to the gyno are concerned and when she felt bad on her time of the month. I would write to her love poetry and the like. Last Valentine’s Day I went overboard by writing a beautiful love poem with a red rose. She freaked out and didn’t know what to do so she called me on the cell phone and said to me we are only co-workers right? I said yes.

One day she said for me to watch the phones for her while she stepped out of the office. She had left her computer without logging off. I noticed that her e-mail folder under her inbox had my initials in the saved folder list. I was skeptical and click on the folder, and to my amazement I literally saw all of my e-mails for the past year saved to her outlook folder. I was in shock. I thought she must have some kind of feelings for me?? What kind of woman selectively saves romantic e-mails from someone else??

Recently I have noticed her not talking as much to me, or wanting to go out for coffee. She never knew I saw her e-mail account though. I had left it exactly as I found it. Now she casually talks to me small talk and that’s it. I don’t know if it got too serious for her or what. At least she remembers all the nice things I have ever done for her.

About a week ago she was transferred to another nearby office within the same company. It is about one minute away by car. I know she is stressing out over there because I know the type of person she is. Last Friday she called me on my cell phone going home to tell me what is going on. I calmed her down and told her how smart, beautiful and valuable she is. She worries too much.

In a nut shell I basically want to tell her that I love her. My problem is that I am afraid of rejection that is why I have never said it to her before. I have only written it via e-mails, love letters and notes, never in person. I remember once she confronted me what was wrong and we sat down as I cried in front of her telling her that I had feelings for her. She said to me that I was married at the time and she was seeing someone else. Maybe if we both were single it would be different. We left it at that with a hug. Last Thanksgiving after work she gave me a big hug and an accidental kiss on the lips from the corners of our mouths. When we hug it is very tight and long. Basically I am at my wits end. I think she has feelings for me but I don’t know if she loves me or not. Some one out there please help me I am so confused!!

She is still in her relationship,she is off limits.

If she wanted to be with you should would,you say 'seems abusive' but is it really?

Keeping the romantic emails most likely massaged her ego,plus your attention.

My advice is move on,heal,stop contact.

This is a non starter.

Even if she was too end her current relationship jumping into another so soon would spell disaster.

My advice,is start no contact and try and forget her,as hard as that is to consider,I believe from your post its your only option.

You are both off limits to each other.
You are both in relationships and are unhappy and your unhappiness is what is binding you two together, that is not a good mix.

When she is ready to leave her situation she will and until you are really divorced you ought to leave her alone.
Neither one of you are in the position for a healthy relationship. You're not available for one either

A friend of mine once commented, "We all tend to choose our own hell to live in, don't we?"

I was shocked at the implications of this insight. But the more I've thought about it over the years, the more I believe it is true.

Her relationship may be abusive, let's say that it is. So what? She's in it, willingly. She's in her job, willingly. She may even be suppressing feelings for you... on purpose.

She's choosing her "hell" on a daily basis.

But so are you. At your age, one would hope the "does she, doesn't she?" fretting we did in our youth would be less of a habit. But here you are spending unknown amounts of time "thinking" about it.

Your mind can make anything romantic, truly! All you have to do is "think" about it long enough... and the ooey-gooey feelings start to seem real, much more than they should.

So, my first advice to you... stop choosing this "what if?" hell for yourself. Your old enough to make some choices, act on them, then LIVE with the consequences.

She may never come available of her own free will. Stop waiting for it. She may be "off limits" for dating, but she is not married, so you pursuing her is not off-limits. You simply cannot put her into a "cheater" position.

So, let your real intentions be known. Be chivalrous, complimentary and non-creepy about it. Sound like you are already doing some of this, but do it more overtly.

"I care enough about you to risk losing your friendship by dealing with you honestly. I'm am in love with you and wish to have a growing relationship with you. I know you're with someone else, so that's fine. But I want you to know my desire is for more, I wish you only to consider it. But I will always be your friend, remember that. Even if we never end up together, you will be able to rely on me."

Then live that. For as long as you can. But when life offers you other paths to companionship, do not ignore them. Be careful you don't prolong this "hell" too long, either.

Unfortunately, as long as you're both in a relationship, there's nothing you can do.

However, you are in a process of a divorce, which can be very messy, so until your divorce has been finalized, a friendship is the more appropriate arrangement.

As for her, she's still in a relationship. This for you: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/dating/guidlines-what-do-do-if-person-like-already-relationship-463250.html. Check out the guidelines for some insight on how to handle the situation.