All right this might be complicated to fully explain, as I have never thought about it thoroughly; however several times I promised myself I would come here, write a description of my problem, hope for some answers and suggestions, then get help, because I have realized that if I cannot get help for this problem, I have no ambition to live.

I think I am clinically depressed, but I'm scared to tell anyone because it seems like everyone is "depressed" these days, and I don't think people will take me seriously. I'm nineteen, attending a very prestigious university, living downtown in a decently large city, am very popular and beautiful, and come from a decently wealthy family... so why should I be depressed? I have the world at my fingers. Except my life has really gone down hill the past eight months.

As a teen I always smoked pot occasionally, I am a party animal and so are a lot of my friends, but since this past November I have become a huge pot head. Mainly all my money goes to weed and booze, and I get high about 10 times a day. When people find out that I smoke pot they can't believe it, and all of my university friends have no idea of the party lifestyle I live back at home. If I don't have weed I get upset and depressed. I feel like I have to constantly be stoned, weather it be to clean the house, write an essay, or lay in bed, I would rather do it high. Weed is my crutch and its scary to realize how addicted I have become to it, yet I have no intention or desire to stop. I think this is partially linked with my depression.

As for my depression, this summer I have hit an ultimate low. I don't think I have ever been this depressed in my entire life, and I have hit some pretty rocky bottoms when my dad was married to his ex-wife, my parents divorce, etc. The thing is, that this summer I have everything I could possibly want to be happy, yet every day I find myself laying in bed, smoking weed, and watching movies. I used to always be surrounded by friends and people and now I find that I would rather spend my Friday night inside my room alone watching movies and smoking pot then out at the bars or parties with my friends. Deep down I dread hanging out with people and need to plan nights for myself to be alone. I stay up all night by myself and sleep until 1-2 in the afternoon. I find myself thinking that I have too many friends and wishing that less people would ask me to hang out. I cry a lot and for the longest time I was plagued with thoughts of death. I still wish I would just die, because I don't think I have the ability to live. I have such a great shot at life, yet I have no ambition to live it. I fantasized about dying in car accidents. It wasn't until I was on my balcony one day that I realized I was suicidal. I had been plagued with thoughts of early death for a few months and I was staring down (from 16 floors) at the people, when I started thinking about jumping. I thought about jumping for about a minute before I backed away suddenty and was overwhelmed because I realized that it wasn't normal to think about death this way. That's when I started to realize I have a problem, but this is actually the first time I have ever acknowledged it. Whenever it comes into my mind I show it out, and the only way I can every truly discover stuff is by writing, so sorry that this is getting drawn on. Another problem is that I have terrible body image. Growing up with an anorexic mom made body image so important to me. I am 5'5 and 141 pounds... I hate my body. I have also done a lot of coke and mdma this summer in attempts to lose weight... last year I was down to 128 lbs when my friends and I were doing a lot of ecstasy, and although I know working out and eating properly is the right way to do it (I have done this in the past to lose weight with success) starving myself and doing appetite surpressing drugs is the easier way out. I am extremely lazy and dread doing anything that involves leaving my apartment, even the recycling... pathetic, I know :(. When I am not doing drugs I am eating a lot of junk food. I have also been playing video games and watching movies, mainly just laying around to not do anything... my life has become worthless and I have absolutely no ambition to live, I can't even take my future seriously because in the back of my mind I plan to just off myself before school is finished. I know I am going back in September and this is honestly my last chance to get some answers and get on some medication and start taking steps forward in my life. My biggest fear is that people will listen to what I am saying, and think I am making it up for attention... please don't think that... I am actually scared.

Listen... I feel really sorry for you. :(
I'm not an expert or anything, I'm actually younger than you...
I think you need to talk to a very close friend that you trust.
Let your friends encourage you to do something else other than staying at home.
I don't get what made you so desprate but all I know is that talking to some one for a long time might help.
Try going on vacation a lone. Try to have fun... Go to the beach or a place you like visiting. Try to enjoy!
Being lazy is not an excuse! You can always get out from your house and do something other than smoking and drinking and all.
Ask you father if he needs anything from a market or a shopping mall and go get it. Try walking on the beach while the sun is going down (I do that when I face a problem)
I'm sorry I can't really help you :)
I just told you what I do...
Good luck!
And don't ignore this... Just try it... If you don't
Think it'll help, then I'm sorry... That's all I have!
Best of luck ;)

You must get off the weed(all the bad stuff as well) it's messing with your head, no wonder you can't think straight or you don't want to do any socializing or hang out with friends.. this stuff interfears with thought patterns and all manner of other health issues.

To others you may appear to have everything and a very comfortable life, but if you are not happy with yourself, then they are worthless.

I would say your height and weight are just fine, so stop worrying there.
Maybe you have issues with the divorce and the re-marriage, if so go and talk to a counciller or a friend that you are comfortable with, don't let it build, deal with it and get rid.

You MUST go to your doctor about this addiction( obviously you've no need to give him the exact details of what you've been taking... get what I'm saying) tell him how you have been feeling, you don't want to get out of bed go out, eat and more importantly the fact that you don't want tp live feeling as you do now, ask can he please help or put you in touch with someone who can.

PLease go, don't make excuses, you need support to help you through this bad patch.

Even if you feel better tomorrow, please make an appointment, the sooner you get help the sooner you will get back to being what you want to be... yourself enjoying life without the drugs.

There will always be someone on this board who will talk to you, no matter what time it may be, so if you need to come back to us...

Let me know how your doing, I shall be thinking of you.

Takecare

<QUOTE>You MUST go to your doctor about this addiction( obviously you've no need to give him the exact details of what you've been taking... get what I'm saying) tell him how you have been feeling, you don't want to get out of bed go out, eat and more importantly the fact that you don't want tp live feeling as you do now, ask can he please help or put you in touch with someone who can.

[/QUOTE]


I think its important to tell the doctor what the op has been taking as some drugs stay in the system longer then others,should he prescribe any meds they may interfer or cause serious health problems,if all mixed in together.

Weed is my crutch and its scary to realize how addicted I have become to it, yet I have no intention or desire to stop.

If you have no desire to stop,you can continue down this path of self destruction, I know of no one here who will stop you.It's your life.We are here to support those who WANT to change,not support or enable those who don't.


I cry a lot and for the longest time I was plagued with thoughts of death.

So how much longer do you really want this to continue?Again,it's up to you.

In the end of your post you stated you wanted to find someone to get you on medications.

How will that help?More chemicals in an already over medicated system is insane.

You need to get clean.Not just off the drugs,off the dishonest mental hang-ups you have let flower in your drugged mind.

You have done everything to be what you are today.If you really want this to change,you are going to have to do everything to be clean and sober.no half measures.no,"Oh,it's just this time,I'll stop tomorrow", a conscious decision is 100% or nothing.You are either in it to live life on life's terms or you are selling yourself a line of cr*p.

It might take changes you aren't ready for.

In the programs I have been involved with,they suggest changing your playmates,playgrounds and playthings.No more potheads,meth heads,drinkers,MDMA,etc,etc.No more hanging out at clubs,changing your school would also be a very good idea, but then again,it's only your life at stake,you might want to hang on to some of that past so you can fall back on it.just in case..

Treatment for your using problem would be a very good move in my book, but who am I,I am just someone who has been there,treated for it,lived a relapse for more than 10 years,my stories would probably scare you into some kind of treatment center.But this isn't about me,this is about you.

Do you have what it takes to live this 'privileged' life you seem to think you have?Can you do it clean?That takes a real human being,not some burnout.Any person with wealth can do drugs,look at Lindsay Lohan,Yeah, I want to idolize her... NOT.

Hope this made you think about your priorities some.I know it helped me:)

KBC