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I have suffered many past verbal and emotional abuse from my husband. We`ve separated once and reconciled with the promise of him not repeating the same behaviour. It was good for a while and things went back to the way they were. When I feel hurt from the verbal and emotional hurts I tend to withdraw and become quiet and ry to reflect what has gone wrong. When I get quiet like this my husband automatically assumes that things are over and without talking things out he goes on the computer and registers on dating sites. I am trying hard to get over past hurts and he has really tried to change his behavior but the old ways rear their ugly head eventually. Is it possible that too much has happened to forgive and move on and be happy .He is very needy, insecure and controlling and I am questioning if I want this for my future, I`ve already endured 20 years and I feel so drained.

This sounds like a vicious circle. Have you tried counseling together to try and break out of this routine? Someone outside of the marriage may be able to provide you both with some ways to better deal with the issues you are having.

Both of you withdraw when things get bad, just in different ways, and neither are healthy or obviously productive.

Twenty years is a long time to have this dance that no one enjoys. Seek help since you haven't been able to make the changes necessary on your own.

If that isn't an option, either together or on your own, then you will have to decide if you want to endure this another 20 years, because it isn't likely to change if it hasn't by now without both of you wanting it to and being willing to work towards that.

Painful situation... hard decisions. I hope he wants things to improve as much as you do and is willing to make the effort.

Thank you Doula for your kind words. Yes we have been to counselling on 3 different occasions. Separately and together. He only goes a few timws and says that we don';t need it anymore we can do it ourselves. I still wanted to go but ended up going alone. I think he refused to go when he didn't like what he heard

Unfortuantely that is often the case... ending the sessions because you don't like what is heard and it sounds like too much work.

I'd talk to him again and try again to get him to realize that the two of you can't do it on your own... you haven't so far.

Point out the obvious to him; you both continue to react to things as you always have. Acknowledge to him that you know it will be difficult to break out of old habits and that you both may hear things you don't like, but your marriage is at stake and that needs to count for something.

Do you have children or family close enough to support the two of you in make changes?

If he simply won't go, go again on your own, and go for awhile. Things won't change overnight. You might get some ideas on how you can make changes in how you deal with things that go on. Maybe he will come around when he sees some of those changes.
You will also likely become stronger and more self-assured.

Hopefully it wouldn't come to it, but at some point you may have to make a difficult decision if things don't change in this marriage; if it is what you want to live the rest of your life.

Yes we have 4 children 18 to 26, Unfortunately they grew up seeing and experiencing his wrath. I feel very guily about not shielding them from this as I definitely see some mirrored behaviour in 2 of them. Kind of sad that their role model behaved so badly as they're all boys

It is unfortunate, but you can talk to them about it and should. They need to be aware that what they experienced is not how a husband should treat his wife and not how a married couple should deal with anger,disappointments, and frustrations in their marriage. If you don't, they may repeat a similar cycle in their own relationships.

It's gone on long enough hasn't it? Do what you need to to help yourself be stronger. Talk to him, share your hurt over how the marriage has gone, own up to your own role in how things play out. Find out if he actually does want for things to change and be better; to have the sort of marriage I'm sure you both probably hoped to have.

If you both want it, it is never too late to turn things around. Yes, it will be hard, painful, and scary. It will be very easy to go back to what has become a familiar way of dealing with the upsets you face, so expect a struggle along the way.
But what a wonderful lesson you both could be teaching your children in how couples can turn things around and work together to make a better relationship.

I hope you can take that first step... talk to your boys. Even if they don't show much response, they will be listening and they will remember. Let them see you have the courage to make some changes on your own if you have to. Hopefully their father will join you, hopefully he wants things to be better too, but again, do it for yourself if you have to.

Your kids will want you healthy.''

I don't think you can be healthy with him. Not without some changes that you cannot force.

Call me jaded. My ex and I have a fairly civil rfelationship... one many friends are confused about, as there were really terrible things endured. Awful cheating on her side, complete mental breakdown on mine.

I'm tired of struggling with the past... and I know unless I deal with what behavior let me stay in that place, ill go back there. When you are down and hurting and not right, its not hard to find an excuse.

He doesn't believe you need help to mend your relationship. Its done. Over.

Do I forgive my ex for the terrible things done? I guess I understand some of it if I can try to get into her head and look from her point of view. What I can't understand... I really, really just do my best to say "it isnt my life"... "she can choose to make the same mistakes over and over... they dont need to be mistakes i have to live with, or at least hurt from"...

My focus is on me and my son.

Would I have a different opinion if my son were not in the mix? Yes. I'm sure id be more angry and id cut ties more, maybe completely. Likely itd be completely.

But I think we seem to be able to find a balance with our son in mind. We can be kind and see each other and we can be a part of each others life without crossing some serious borders.

It took some time. A lot of hurt and frustration and ache.

But the more I accepted that, no matter how much I might be attracted to her, it just wasn't ever right... the easier it was. And the more I accepted that this struggle was done... it was time to let go... the easier it was.

We are good friends and lousy spouses. Oil and water for no real rational reason. Good on paper, wrong in performance. Don't know why. Have stopped asking.

It just is.

So... I've forgiven her for some things... some things that I still struggle with... I have to, must, write off to "this is her problem. not mine. not anymore."

My son wants a healthy parent to be engaged and present. I can't be healthy with her. It's a bad fit. It's that simple. The more I accepted this, the easier it was.

Thanks for all the wisdom and good advice. I think I could forgive the past if the same behaviours weren't still happening but some of them still are. To be constantly responsible for anothers happiness is very suffocating and I know it is un healthy. This is just one thing that needs to be overcome.I think it would help if he had friends or other interests outside of the marriage but he doesn't

I know a great therapist who specializes in drug addictions. He is an addict (recovering, 12 years clean). He sold drugs. Was arrested in no less than six different states.

He often asks people who have gone through treatment how they know they are recovering.

And he shakes his head at how often people get it wrong.

They often cite getting a job or going to meetings or going to church or whatever... but the real answer is that the recovering, healthy addict... the person on the right path to not making the same mistakes... is the person who is changing their life to avoid the same patterns.

A person with money and/or a job can be just as addicted as someone who doesn't have that.

A person who attends meetings on addiction can still use in their private time.

...

So... his pattern of behavior does not change long term, and there is no action being taken to show you there really is change. Not lasting change.

So... he continues to isolate himself. He hasn't embraced the need to focus on himself and not the relationship... he needs to be healthy before there is any talk about relationship... the relationship is not a crutch to be used to "make him right"... and so I just think its better to step back hard.

My ex cheated on me big time. I later found out she cheated on other men before me. And then I found out she was still seeking out an unavailable man (in relationship) while asking for counseling help for our relationship. Done. Ovah. Finished.

She was struggling with the same issues 15 years ago that she is still struggling with today. She is intellegent. Well read. Has read all kinds of books about relationships and self improvement and moving forward.

But she doesn't. She never changes how she acts... and I had to be done.

He doesn't seem to embrace the opportunity he has... he could turn his life around and maybe salvage a love. He isn't doing it. And you don't have that superpower or agenda or charge. It isn't your fight.

He isn't right for you because he isn't right.

Deep breath in and out.

You can not make him happy. Not in a sustaining way. Not in a way that lets you focus on your life. Its too much work and effort.

An addict changes his life by honestly believing that he betrayed himself. It is internal. Not out there.

Its not that much different concerning relationships. You must accept that it is not your job to forgive him and it isn't your job to make him happy... and in doing so, you will probably forgive him more than you think.

At least that's my experience.

I think you have reached a point where you don't want t spend the rest of your life this why. Life is too short to be in a bad situation, knowing it won't get better. Do you think this will change or do you see them staying the same?
Your kids are older and will soon be gone. Ask yourself if there is enough here to salvage.
Have a talk with your husband. Tell him how you feel. Ask him if he wants to work on what is left of your marriage. But be prepared to walk if that is what you want.
I just left a 32 year marriage. We talked about things and I decided I did not want to spend the rest of my life living this way. We separated for 18 months and then divorced. We are still friends, we talk quite often, but most important, we are both happier.
I wish you well

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My husband thinks nothing of hiding financial information or opening bank accounts behind my back and then lying about it when confronted. This has happened a few times before and each time he says he won't do it again or most recently says he's done nothing wrong. I don't have a problem with him saving money in a separate account, just not in secret.
I have been asking for a new vehicle to replace mine that is in such disrepair and has a lot wrong with it, but have been told it's not worth fixing it because it's too old. He says you can get a new one. I think hje says that just to placate me as every time I bring it up he says there's no rush you don't need one right now. I feel like my opinions or if I need anything is totally dismissed as not important in his eyes.

When checking our joint account I noticed that $15,000 had been taken out. I asked him about it and he said he had lent it to his sister for a down payment for a house. I told him that he should have discussed it with me first( I would never have refused her the help) but thought it was only respectful to discuss with me first. He said why I know you wouldn't care. Well I did care especially since he keeps putting off getting me a safer vehicle. To try and get him to feel what it was like to be in my shoes, I said how would you feel if you had discovered the same thing and I said I had lent it to my sister. His answer was, she doesn't need it, so he was missing the point.

I have been asking to have air conditioning to be put in the house as perimenopause makes it hard for me to sleep period let alone when it's stifling hot. He said 12 years ago I gave the kids a choice of air conditioning or a pool, they chose the pool so I'm not putting air conditioning in. For one thing the kids were all 12 and under and another thing, grow up circum,stances change. I tried to explain something to him the other day and he didn't want to hear it so he put his hand over my mouth so I couldn't speak. He said he was just joking, but I didn't take it as a joke. I don't feel like he cares about the way I feel about anything. We are not financially compromised so it's not a shortage of funds, it's just that he likes to say how they are spent.

Do you know for a fact that $15,000 was in fact a down payment for his sister? What were the terms of the arrangement for repayment?

You are entitled to know. This isn't about him not wanting to talk about it- he has to be held accountable for taking money, and setting up accounts, and making a loan to a family member. These marriage funds are joint and equal.

If it isn't such a big deal, why can't he be honest and upfront about it, and do these things jointly as he should be doing.

I feel you are missing something here. Why do you think he is so secretive about money. Could he be cheating? Gambling? Hiding assets? Are you on top of the finances, and aware of exactly how much money there is, and in who's name its in?

All I can say is that to me, this is very fishy. I do not think you are over reacting, and in fact, think that you are not yet knowing the truth of what he is up to. My advice is to trust your instinct, and start doing a little digging to find out what he's up to and why.

Thank you jake 2008 for you reply. Yes I know for a fact the money is for my husband's sister to buy a house. Money is my husband's security but to the point where it gets very petty. I realise that our marital assets are joint property, but he thinks he has the last say on anything because he makes more money. I truly believe he doesn't trust me with money. I have not wracked up huge bills or done any undiscetionary spending.

When my husband needed a new car I was very supportive, going around to the different dealership's to test drive with him. I didn't give him any opposition as we had the money to buy a new vehicle and if he needed one , why would I oppose this. I get opposition on any big ticket item that I make a suggestion for. He'll find any or many excuses why we don't need it. I've had to practically beg for a new car in the past, even when mine was not a safe vehicle to drive. I've lost interest in decorating or making the house nice as everything is a fight to buy anything. I think when you constantly get opposition for anything you want you give up. We are not poor but sometimes I feel like it. I live paycheck to paycheck (my responsibility is the groceries, which takes up a huge chunk as there are 6 of us in the household) I constantly feel like I have to go out and get an evening job just so I can have money left over for anything I need. Sucks believe me.

While I do think he should consult you on withdrawing large amounts of money and financial matters as a whole, I do not know your 'agreement' up to this point. Has it always been established that he is the one in control of finances or is this just something he started excluding you from?

The reason I ask (and don't take this too poorly) is that I do note the repitition of you wanting a new car. Is his reluctance to get you this new car a springboard for all of this? I mean, you mention safety as the reason for a new car, which almosts suggests that him not getting it for you means that he is selfish and could care less that what you are currently driving is dangerous. Furthermore, if it were truly dangerous, why would you be even driving it?

As the poster above mentioned, events like this spur speculation into whether this may be a drug/gambiling problem. However, you did not suspect that because you know where the money went.

It's just my observation, I may be totally wrong. However, your language seemed interesting. Perhaps something to consider.

BMI.. I can see why you would question my perception of the situation when I only used cars as an example. There are many other instances I could use but the car issue is the most frustrating, because here you have a guy who's driving around in a safe comfortable car, who's stashing money in secret accounts, lending money out without discussion amd I'm driving a vehicle with broken abs, gas gauge not working so it's a caculating guessing game when I'm going to run out and no heat during frigid canadian winters. I don't ask for much but a safe comfortable car shouldn't be too much to ask for.

My son needed braces but my husband came back from the orthodontist saying they are just going to keep an eye on his teeth. It wasn't until I went to the dentist that they asked how the appointment with the orthodontist went that I was enlightened to the situation and realised he'd lied because he didn't want to put the money out. He denies it to this day.

Gracie, you are not crazy, and you are not imagining things. Everything you have questioned, and the strange things that happen in your marriage, I think it's safe to say most of us have had those doubts ourselves about our partners.

I know you must realize that marital assets, are marital assets. Everything is shared, equally, and one party or the other does not get dibs because they make more money, or they have outside plumbing.

Think first of yourself as deserving of trust and accountability, both in the receiving, and in the giving. You are doing nothing wrong in expecting joint decisions on major decisions. That he hides assets, and makes decisions, which all revolve around money, this seems to be coming to light more of a compulsive, controlling thing. Many times this is behaviour that he cannot control himself. If he has no accountability to anyone but himself, he can therefore satisfy his need to control.

And where does that come from. Insecurity? Stress? Think of a healthy tree. But there is a vine growing up the side of the tree. The tree can only survive by feeding the vine. If the tree sees the vine growing, the need increases to keep it at bay. Even if that means the nutrients it needs to stay strong, are compromised.

So goes a compulsion. Something needs to feed his behaviour. If it is the control via money and decisions, it is not something he is going to give up easily. At least not without help. You are seeing the results of his behaviour (the braces, the car, etc.), but you do not yet know what drives him to make decisions that only benefit himself.

I'm beginning to think this isn't so much to do with the lack of a new vehicle, or the secret accounts, but more to do with his need to control. That might be the key in learning why this is, and he may need to speak to someone in order to learn how to understand and change his own behaviour.

Remember to him, what he does seems perfectly reasonable, and to you it is perfectly unreasonable. And I would say I agree with your observations.

Even when he has tried to change as you've noted, he goes back to old habits, and appears not to be able to keep a promise.

I see nothing wrong with attending counselling. Either him, or you, or both of you. All of it has to come out on the table, and worked through to find effective ways to change and compromise. Until the bigger picture is dealt with, you will be in for more of the same, with perhaps a few carrots thrown your way to keep the peace.

Thank you Jake for shedding some light on a frustrating situation. We have been to counselling on many occasions, but he only went for a few sessions and said he didn't need to go anymore. I continued to go on my own but was told that it would be much more productive with both of us present but he wouldn't go back. I think a lot of the control and domination come from his mother who is herself very controlling. My father in law is a very submissive man who she totally controls. My husband vowed no woman is ever going to tell me what to do.

Since finding the last bank account and being lied to about it I started to distance myself from him physically and emotionally as I was feeling more like a roommate than a wife. I still took care of everything I normally did around the house, just our relationship was platonic. I tried to talk to him about the way I felt and he insisted he'd done nothing wrong so what was the point.

If he had taken responsibility for what he'd done and said OK let's sit down I'll show you where all the money is so you're not in the dark and there will be no secrets. When I asked to know how much money were in some of our other accounts and investment, he wouldn't go on the computer and show me because he said I have my private stuff on there. WTH... our finances were his private business.

Since we were not getting along, he toook an fu attitude and decided to go on vacation by himsellf to the Caribbean. I had no idea when he was leaving because he didn't say anything until the night before and flatly refused to leave a number where he was going to be ( I wanted in case of emergency) . I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I wouldn't have had a problem if he had been mature about it and said I'm going away, I need some time to think things over, I would have been fine with that, but to let me know only the night before and to refuse to leave an emergency number was very inconsiderate. He didn't even tell the kids he was going , he text them goodbye from the airport.

After reading your other thread (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marriage/advice-letting-go-past-hurts-496658.html), I am going to be blunt and it may come off as harsh, but please think about it.

You need to contact a divorce lawyer and find out what exactly your legal rights are and protect them. Check every account that you know about as soon as you can. Do Not wait for another statement.

Your husband has been abusive in the past to where you separated. He hides money and now he is taking a surprise trip to one of the biggest money hiding places in the world.

I may be over-reacting but I am sincerely concerned about your situation at this moment. Be proactive so that you don't get blind-sided if he doesn't come back.

Please take care of yourself and your children who are still in the house.

Hi Cat... He came back and we talked about why he wouldn't leave a number when he was gone. He said I'm going to have to start accepting him for who he was and that includes accepting he fact he didn't want to leave a number. He said he went down there and got his diving certificate. If that was truly the case then why all the secrecy.

As Ann Landers used to say, "Are you better off with him, or without him".

It seems you've been through a 20+ relationship that has been underscored with abuse, control, and complacency. I do sympathize with the fact that raising a housefull of kids may have provided goals and responsibilities that kept you busy, and content.

Now that your children are older, and you are faced with a future that boils down to yourself, and your husband for the most part, it may be time to make some tough choices. To stay, you pretty much know what the status quo is with him, and after all these years, it isn't likely he will change. After so many tries at counselling to address serious issues, his choice is obvious- himself and his needs.

To leave, is a scary prospect. After such a long marriage, to be on your own, and only responsible for yourself is a major life change. (sometimes the devil you know sort of thing, is better than the alternative)

I agree with Cat that you need to seek legal advice. Sit down and find out what would be negotiated to reach a settlement for separation. What it will cost, what you can expect, etc.

At some point consider gathering as much information as you can on the finances. Visit the bank, get a credit check, find the accounts if you can. When and if you do visit a lawyer, tell him all that you have said here about the secret deals, accounts, and activities. You are entitled to know, particularly if he has attached liens and mortgages that you are unaware of. Get bank statements.

I hope that you can seek counselling on your own. There are many women's resources available. You can plan a life on your own if you choose to, and have the support you need to make it happen.

This is your life, after all.

Thank you Jake... I have gathered as much pertinent information as possible, have been doing that for a while. There have been some good times in our marriage but that still doesn't make up for all the heartache. I just want to feel safe and secure and I don't because he doesn't consider my needs, he does not know how to be empathetic, I think if he did he would think of other people and not just about himself. The really bad verbal and emotional abuse that I used to endure is not as bad now but it seems to come out in other ways. He has replaced open verbal, emotional and aggressive behaviour with passive aggressive acts that are just as damaging to the psyche.

I know in my heart what I need to do, why am I having such a hard time making a decision even though I know it is in my best interests. He keeps me hanging on by being attentive and respectful, then all of a sudden something will set him off and he's like jekkyl and hyde. I used to be a very confident, happy girl before I was married, but I feel so broken that I can't even make a decision that will change my life for the better. Myself esteem is down the drain. It helps to interact here as I don't keep second guessing myself all the time. Thank you for that.

Gracie, please look into support groups for abused women as well as continuing counseling.

He isn't the only one with rights in the relationship. You have them too.

You need to know everything you can, as up-to-date as you can get. Get proof of all accounts that you can. If that takes getting a lawyer involved, do it. Put the 'proof' in a safe deposit box.

What has your husband done that gives you hope for a better future? If you stand up for yourself and say, 'I have had enough', what are you afraid will happen? I am scared that he is setting you up for a huge fall as soon as he thinks he can get away with it.

Ask your husband what he thinks is going to happen if he gets seriously ill or if while he is out of communications one of your son's gets injured or something else devastating happens. It isn't about who has 'control', but being partners and working together. It is about thinking ahead and preparing for issues that might arise. He is a husband and a father not just another person living in the house.

If he thinks your car is so safe, have him drive it for a week.

Do you have any hobbies or interests? AMHD (AskMeHelpDesk) has boards on just about every subject if you feel comfortable joining us in other areas. If you are comfortable here, we welcome your input.

There are always options.

If you want change, you are going to have to demand it, as a condition of staying. He hasn't had a good track record of keeping up with counselling, so the obvious has to be considered- that he won't go.

You could consider a temporary separation. If you have family, or a close friend that you can rely on for a short period, some distance might help you get a clearer vision of what to do.

You could make the separation legal, by seeing your own lawyer, and making arrangements to begin to live on your own, and what all of that will entail.

You could write out a list of 'demands' and require him to sit down and talk about them, one by one. The top of the list should be counselling- with a commitment of at least six visits, and a genuine try at resolving and repairing the marriage.

You could be more assertive. Go and buy a car, and then take a vacation to a nice place that offers peace, quiet, warm sandy beaches and distance. Even for a week. Tell him that the car is yours, and you are old enough, responsible enough, and financially flush enough to have something you like, and something that is safe to drive. AND you deserve a holiday too.

Start being more dependent on yourself, and less on him.

Seek out courses that interest you at your local college. Photography, yoga, painting, etc. It is a short investment of time, but with huge payoffs.

If you think that the mental abuse is something you need help with, to help you clear up some of the reasons perhaps why you stay, and what it has to do with being 'stalled' at this stage of your life, by all means seek counselling for yourself.

If, after you have tried your best to pave the way for him to do what needs to be done in order to save your marriage, and he chooses not to, you will at least have a running start with a bit more confidence, and knowledge about yourself, that will allow you to end it.

,Hi Cat and Jake, Thanks again for your understanding and advice... I ask myself that all the time. What is my future going to be like> The thought absolutely terrifies me. I think he's got me under his thumb now, what's it going to like when he's retired and making less money, he will have an even tighter rein on me. It's not all about the financial control, it's his lack of respect for me and the fact he dismisses that I have opinions about things too even if he doesn't agree with them. I can honestly say about a month ago, he was acting like the best husband he ever has in 26 years. He was respectful, interested in what I had to say, very compliant to something I wanted to do but he didn't agree with. For the first time in 26 years he thanked me for shopping for his mom's birthday. He was in what I call win back mode and I fell for it.

Because I had distanced myself from him, he was trying everything in his power to show me that he could change. For the first time in a long time I actually had hope for our future. So I started to warm up to him and to see how long it woild last. As soon as he got things back to his comfort level, thinhs went right back to the old ways. I mentioned this and he says he wasn't like that. So, again it's all denial on his part and not taking responsibility for his actions.

I use his car sometimes as it has heat, and wanted to visit a friend after work, so I said could he take my van. He wasn't happy about it but agreed. I asked how he liked driving a vehicle with no heat etc. He said really nicely( this was in his win back mode time) you can get a new vehicle if you want. I guess it took him to see for himself what it was like to drive an uncomfortable vehicle. So I saidi OK thanks that will be great. I had started to look around and did some comparisons, as he said I could only get one that was good on gas. Fast forward a month and after many times of asking... he said well there's no rush and besides you really don't need one right now. I guess win back mode is over

Jake I honestly wish I could go out and buy a car but I don't have access to the accounts that hold any significant amount of money or believe me I would. The metal abuse is something I could use some help with(Why do I stay and accept less than repectful treatment )

I've been wanting to sign up for some night courses but I don't always have a vehicle available to me as my son shares mine too.

Right now I work for myself but if I could get a steady job with a steady income I think I would have more confidence to make some decisions for myself. Thanks again

Have you thought about on-line classes?

Who controls his money if something happens to him?

If you want to venture "there" you could remind him that if you divorce you will use your settlement money to buy a car, put in central air... and do anything else that sounds like a good idea to you.

I could do online courses, that would be possible. I have an idea where some of the money is but not all of it. He sold his boat yesterday so I said, good that will enable me to get my car now. He said it`s not a good idea till the kids go back to college as they`ll have to pay more insurance.Always an excuse. Ive been in bed for the past few days with the flu so I;m feeling a bit sorry for myself, too much time ti think I guess. Thank you ladies for keeping in touch.:)

He sold his boat? Let me guess the money from that sell is 'hidden'. Didn't he just get his diving certificate? Interesting timing.

Getting rid of a safety hazard and getting a reliable vehicle should out-weigh the insurance issue and could result in cheaper premiums. So his argument doesn't hold water.

Do you help with your taxes or even read over them before signing or have you been trusting him?

I think you have a fair idea by now that we are here to give you what advice we can, but only you can be proactive in protecting yourself. I think your husband is protecting himself and only himself.

I hope you are feeling better and back on your feet very soon. :)

JudyKayTee... You`d think that he would see that if I wasn`t happy that I might decide to leave the marriage. Believe me I don`t ask for a lot, never have so keeping me happy wouldn`t require much. He thinks I don`t have the confidence to leave the marriage that`s why he says and does what he does because there will be no consequences.Thank you for the get well wishes and yes your advice is very valuable but unfortunately I`m the only one that can act on it. Thanks again.. it helps to let things out

JudyKayTee...You`d think that he would see that if i wasn`t happy that i might decide to leave the marriage. believe me i don`t ask for a lot, never have so keeping me happy wouldn`t require much. he thinks i don`t have the confidence to leave the marriage that`s why he says and does what he does because there will be no consequences.


Is he correct?

I've cried wolf a few times in the past and he sweetalks me back. I feel so disrespected and taken for granted this time that I thimk walking away and staying away is the only thing to do to keep me sane. Maybe he might take me seriouisly then but it might be too late

From all the advice I have received all of it has been very insightful and constructive. Why then is it si hard to make a decision. It's not my kids that are stopping me, thet'll be fine either way. Financially I'll probably be better off, especially when I get a steady job. I almost feel brainwashed into staying as I have no confidence to leave and wonder in the long run if that's the right solution to all this


I know I have given away my power over the last 25 years. I look at myself sometimes and I don't know who I am anymore.I've lived my life keeping others happy which has ultimitely left me quite sad and unfulfilled.It has all been worth to have stayed home and raised my boys ,don't get me wrong, that's one thing that has given me some satisfaction

This is why it's difficult for you to leave. After 25 years the life you have is familiar to you. It's a big, scary world out there, a world which is not familiar to you.

Maybe leaving isn't the best way to go. Maybe counselling, maybe just talking to him (which hasn't worked before but I don't think you can ever give up as long as you're willing to put in the effort).

You have spent your adult life juggling a difficult husband and raising your children. It's no wonder that now you feel empty.

Is there something you can do in your town to get some self satisfaction and an identity, perhaps volunteering?

My husband does not see the wrong in any of this. As long as his future is secure and mapped out he's not worried about the way I feel. I'm just supposed to go along with his plans and be happy.I have always wanted to do some volunteer work at the women's shelter or the animal shelter, but he works at night so I have no vehicle and I share mine with my son so he's not always home from work in time. I'm sure that's why my husband hasn't rushed to get me another vehicle because then I'd be off doing something without him that he wouldn't like, so it keeps me at home where he know where I am

It sounds like you know him well.

Iknow I cannot change anybody but myself, but I do have to wonder if my husband has some kind of personality disorder. One minute he is fine and the next he turns real nasty with hardly any provokation. He then downplays the behavior as a joke to diffuse the situation. When were are out you never know what's going to set him off.Sometimes it's embarrassing.I know for a fact that my husband has trouble feeling empathy with me the kids or anybody which is such a shame.

Maybe he does. You know his background. Do you think that's the problem?

As you say, he's the only person who can change his behavior.

The question is how do you "get" happy - ?

Just an observation. For whatever reason, you are too submissive. Almost a perfect wife for a deserving male.

Sorry, your husband doesn't deserve you. He is a selfish control freak, and if you want I will send my wife to straighten him out. Whether he likes it or not, now that would be another story, because I... I mean... HE... would be sleeping on the porch, while you went shopping, in your new car and come back to a nice cool house. She would start with getting ALL the facts about finances out in the open, and then get a better deal with how they are distributed.

Part of the problem is he has NO FEAR of losing you, his home, his family, or his lifestyle. Now get to a lawyer and have your rights read to you and take the contract for more services back to your husband. Let him know that he will pay for that too, with his money.

Until YOU get serious, and stop allowing bad behavior, you will keep getting more of it.

I guess mine is a do as you've always done you'll get what you always got stuation.If I explain to him that the van really isn't safe to drive(now there is a huge crack across the windshield on the drivers side now ) he'll retaliate with "who says it's not safe, you'' because you don't know a heck of a lot about cars. It seems every time I bring something up he has an answer for everything. It s like banging you head against a brick wall constantly, he always has to be right.

Talaniman, when you said he has no fear of losing me his lifestyle, his family etc, do you mean beacause in all of this bad behaviour he's had no consequences so he basically does and says what he wants and knows he can get away with it.

That's exactly what I mean. He has gotten away with everything so far hasn't he?

Come on he takes a trip to the Caribbean, gets his diving certificate, and you can't have a new car? The accounts you have access to don't allow you to go shopping for the house or anything else besides groceries? He maintained a boat for how long? And then sold it?

He is accountable to no one but himself it seems to me. Heck he can make loans to his family, but not his wife??

Come on, what's wrong with that picture? Looks more like master/slave, than marriage. Yes I read your other post as well. Should have merged them for all to have more insights and info.

If you defended yourself and your interests HALF as well as you defend and make excuses for him, then you would be on to something.

You are absolutely right 100%.Being assertive is a slow process for me. It sometimes makes things worse when I try to defend myself and he twists the whole situation around to make out that I'm the crazy one. By the way how do I combine threads?

Its been done.

Gracie... hopefully I am wrong, but I have to wonder if more is going on that you don't know about? A trip on his own and he doesn't share it with the family or want to leave you a way to contact him? Money that can not be accounted for and accounts you know nothing about? Lying to you on numerous occasions and turning things around to be your fault? Registering on dating sites in the past?

It sounds as though he wants the best of both worlds. Act single, and not have to consult with anyone else on what he does... and have the perks of being married, with having someone at home to take care of the home front for him.

I think the two of you have been playing the same tune over and over... and many couples do the same thing without realizing it.

Think about it: If you do the same things, respond the same way, repeat the same discussions and the same reactions, why would you expect anything to change?

Change can be scary, I know full well... but in this situation it is prudent and necessary.