When I joined the dream company in Manhattan as high rank manager, I was so thrilled, worked so hard to impress anyone of course. One of a C-level manager caught my eye immediately, who is workaholic (working 15-18 hours a day include weekends), extremely smart and charismatic leader in the company. People even do not make any decision without his confirmation. He is not my direct boss, but our work is related, and had to see him a lot.
We started to hang out after work beer round, we became close. He started to email me and call me even during weekends, bought me coffee, invited me various diners, and gave me a horse carriage ride for no reason. He is trained in CIO in army when he was in army, one of the exceptionally genius type person, but when we talk in person, he was very genuine and straight forward. We became friends, and started to see each other after work, and developed feeling for each other.
We started to date, he took me to all fancy places he knows, and took me to his room, and started to kiss me. It was a start, and in weeks, we became physical, and became lovers. He was so overwhelmed by the strong feelings for me, and I could literarily see his hands are shaking, his knees are weakening, and he was mumbling words when he is with me. He confessed he is completely in love with me. However, he was about to be located in an Asian branch for a year, but good news is he will come back US office every 8 weeks to stay for 3 weeks to cover US market. He told me so many times he was so upset for the fact that we did not meet each other before he made the decision. He told me he would not do it if we were together, and told me he would change the situation for me to use all his power. I was not happy for the long distance situation, but understood his situation, and agreed to stay with him.
Well, he left to Asia after 1.5 month of our relationship, and he emailed me 5-6 times with photos and stories of the country every day, and said I love you. We started email journal together to build long distance relationship. I felt so lucky, and was very happy. After 2 weeks of staying in Asia, he missed me so much, and changed his meeting schedule, and came back to US to see me! It was 24 hours flight for him to see me! I was so impressed, and very happy when he showed up with a gift which he bought at the duty free shop at the airport. He already arranged himself to allow to visit US every 6 weeks (not 8 weeks), and decided to stay 4 weeks (instead of 3 weeks) each time in US.
Well, yesterday, I saw his face was so dark, and he wanted to talk to me after work. I felt something was wrong but could not figure it out. It was about his ex, who broke up with him about 2 month ago. She found out his email account pw, logged on his email, and read all of our emails, photos, and love letters. She got crazy, started to call him, constantly crying and begging to take her back. The problem is the woman was still married, decide not to see him freely, but now she decided to divorce her husband to be with him AFTER SHE SAW our emails. She blamed him he ruined her marriage, and now she is divorcing, and he should take her.
Now he stands between 2 women, felt guilt for both of us, and suffering morning and night. Our relationship is barely 2 month old, and his ex relationship is 4 years old. He started to see me a month later she broke up with him, and he told me that the last year or so, they were both suffering for the distance and circumstances.
Today, he is in US office, but withdrawn, and asked me to break for a while to sort out his head. His ex relationhsip was toxic in his own word, but he has so much baggage, and he was not healed completely. I am so scared he will make a bad decision, and I will end up losing him.

By the way, his ex lives in Asia in a different country, 2,000 miles away from his new location. I am in US, 60,000 miles away from his new location. She is 40, I am 45 divorced (but I am stunning young looking beauty and have no issues to get date), and he is 41… I am so scared to loose him now. Any advice to win him will be appreciated. My heart is broken.

Sounds like you got with the wrong guy.

"he has so much baggage"

Some people like to say don't crap where you eat.

Shameful all around.

The whole story on both sides sounds clinical and superficial.
Ranks, c-levels, his position etc.. I think you got infatuated and it maybe was moving towards love, and same went for him, but I do not think anyone should be dating right now and really went deep enough for any serious decisions... wives, husbands, trips, drama. He got hurt by her and you are getting hurt by him...

I'd say take a step back and try being friends for a while. This may not be your future...

"I think you got infatuated"

"He got hurt by her and you are getting hurt by him..."

Completely.

Nip this one in the bud.

Don't confuse things more. Enough manipulation on all parts. Don't press this.

The whole story on both sides sounds clinical and superficial.
ranks, c-levels, his position etc..I think you got infatuated and it maybe was moving towards love, and same went for him, but I do not think anyone should be dating right now and really went deep enough for any serious decisions.....wives, husbands, trips, drama. He got hurt by her and you are getting hurt by him...

I'd say take a step back and try being friends for a while. This may not be your future....

Ash, thanks for your advice. I think you are so accurate on this. I was drawn to his devotion, and professionalism, and made him as my mentor in my mind from the day 1 I met him. Contradictory, I found his personal life is messed up with wrong relationship, and that’s why he was so focused on work and always lonely.
I am very hurt by his action now. He wrote me emails during trips, “I am yours” constantly. Now, he is locked himself in his office and being distant from me. It is not what I expected.
I hate to be in limbo, and I was angry, and told him I cannot be anybody’s option, and broke off. He was hurt by it deeply, and I could hear he was mourning in his office when I passed by his office. I have to confess I did not mean it, but I did it to only hurt him back… I do not know what to do. I am very sad, I miss him a lot. I might already lost the chance to be even his friend by my action. I do not know what to do. He is in the same building, but we are avoiding each other now. I never told him I love him, but I think I love him even with his stupid fault. Should I cool off and see how it goes?

Sorry you have to feel his pain as you walk by his office, & did it to only hurt him back, but it takes two.

Or three here.

"Contradictory, I found his personal life is messed up with wrong relationship"

Not for you to decide.

"I cannot be anybody’s option"

You're right about that never should.

"by my action"

Yup.

"Should I cool off and see how it goes?"

Cool off yes. See where it goes, No.

How about the job you were so excited about, until..

SCpark,you have done the right thing by conveying your feelings to him upfront,esp the "I am nobody's option" part.Way to go!

Back off a lot,carry on with the great job you are doing at work,get busy with other things,new people,hobbies etc.Its not easy to work under the same roof with someone you had feelings for and am sure there could be difficult times ahead.

Prepare yourself to feel sad,lost and hurt for sometime,but I can guarantee that if you work hard enough on recovering and healing,it won't be long before you find happiness and peace once again.

I have a feeling that once this guys head clears he will probably come back around... question is will you want to take him back... he was wrong to do what he did to you.. if he wasn't sure about his ex coming back to him then he should not have gotten involved with you... however he was honest with you and told you what was going on.. this breakup of his is fresh and any human person needs time to get over a long term relationship breakup... it is normal for a person to have doubts about a prior relationship.. no matter how toxic it is... I have an ex now that was so horrible to me but I loved him so much.. and 2 months after we split if he would have come back in to the picture I probably would have considered taking him back... even though I KNEW it was wrong.. love doesn't go away overnight... its not a light switch and we can't just turn it on and off... that DOES NOT by any means justify him hurting you... do what's best for you

Sorry you have to feel his pain as you walk by his office, & did it to only hurt him back, but it takes two.

Or three here.

"Contradictory, I found his personal life is messed up with wrong relationship"

Not for you to decide.

"I cannot be anybody’s option"

Youre right about that never should.

"by my action"

Yup.

"Should I cool off and see how it goes?"

Cool off yes. See where it goes, No.

How bout the job you were so excited about, until...?

Thanks for asking about my job. I am doing great in my career even though I am going through stormy period personally. I have been always focused on my job, will still do, no matter what happens. I worked all weekend long last week as well.

SCpark,you have done the right thing by conveying your feelings to him upfront,esp the "I am nobody's option" part.Way to go!

Back off a lot,carry on with the great job you are doing at work,get busy with other things,new people,hobbies etc.Its not easy to work under the same roof with someone you had feelings for and am sure there could be difficult times ahead.

Prepare yourself to feel sad,lost and hurt for sometime,but I can guarantee that if you work hard enough on recovering and healing,it wont be long before you find happiness and peace once again.

Thanks for your thoughtful advice. I appreciate it, and it helps me a lot.

I am backing off a lot, and I made up my mind that no matter how long it takes, I will not negotiate with the situation, and fight for myself to be the one or nothing. I will not step back.
When I broke up with him, he told me that it hurts him because he knows it is not fair for me at all, and he should clean up his mess first, and come back to me if I am still free and take him back. I did not promise anything to him. He constantly told me that he knows he is miserable with this person, but his mind is not clear yet, and cannot concentrate on me right now. He blamed the wrong timing. His recent breakup, job transfer to Asia…

One more thing is though, since the day one, he told me that he is so scared because his feeling for me is so overwhelming, and makes him feel very weak. He is very dominant person by himself and it is somewhat refreshing to me.

He told me whenever he thinks about me he feels he became a 10 years-old boy again, and just laughing. (He sent me his childhood picture for fun by the way to explain). I do not know what is that means. I do feel happy whenever I think about him (until breakup), and does not understand this. Anybody can explain it to me?

However, I feel so sad and lonely. I did not know I was so much involved with him emotionally in the short period. Falling in love is easy, but breaking up is very hard… I am focusing on my job right now, and this is the best job I ever had in my career. Thanks god, my job is demanding, constantly checking out emails morning to night and it consumes my energy and time right now.

i have a feeling that once this guys head clears he will probably come back around...question is will you want to take him back...he was wrong to do what he did to you..if he wasnt sure about his ex coming back to him then he should not have gotten involved with you...however he was honest with you and told you what was going on..this breakup of his is fresh and any human person needs time to get over a long term relationship breakup...it is normal for a person to have doubts about a prior relationship..no matter how toxic it is...i have an ex now that was so horrible to me but i loved him so much..and 2 months after we split if he would have come back in to the picture i probably would have considered taking him back...even though i KNEW it was wrong..love doesnt go away overnight...its not a light switch and we can't just turn it on and off...that DOES NOT by any means justify him hurting you...do whats best for you

Thank you so much. I agree with you for every single word you said. I know it takes time to clear up mind.

He was very honest from the beginning, he told me from the day one he has broken up with his ex recently after 4 years, and I tried not to take it seriously. They were in long distance relationship; the woman was married with 2 kids, both moved around the world separately from Asia, Europe, and US. According to him, he could not even contact her freely, she allowed him to call her for an hour time window a day for the last year. He told me their relationship has been suffering for the past year, and constantly fighting, he finally became tired and became cold & distant. He told me he did not try to hold her when she broke up with him. He thought it was done for good sake.

Now, he is getting a brand new job & a dream house in Asia, and another woman me. His ex sneaked his email, and was very jealous. In email, we exchanged all the love stuff, his and my photos, his passionate confession, private talk, and my sweet notes…His ex was furious and jealous. I think she finally decide not to lose him and try to win him for any means.

My question is, if I am her, after seen all the notes and his confession, am I willing to take him back and recover from it? The relationship suffered already, and adding another scar on the top of it, and how will it work? I have to think she is breaking us up…

No matter what, I want him as whole or nothing. I have no choice, but should back off, and live my life and take care of myself and job. I hope he realize the situation, and come back to me soon.

I have been in NC personally for 2 days now, keep my office doors closed, and started to use different entrance and elevator to avoid to meet him unintentionally.
I just saw him in the early morning meeting. I am supposed see him in a series of conference meeting for 3 days in row. He is NOT my boss, but the main character in the meeting, and it is weird to see him standing and gave us strategic directions. I am trying to be objective, but it was hard to see his face. He seemed drunk heavily last night, messy, tired, and depressed. When he saw my face, I noticed he was blushed. He has blazer sharp speech with excellent analysis & passion normally, but he seemed unfocused and uninterested. He excused himself not feel good, and left early. I think he is fighting with rejection from me… just sad. Two people are hurt by each other…

Sounds like that may be the case... I think you are both hurt in the situation... has he tried to talk to you about this? If not I wouldn't approach him.. and like you said and ill advise don't put your life on hold for him... it would appear as though he is really going through it but id be careful not to fall into a trap.. be cautious and decide what you want to do.. and if he does talk to you be clear about how it is you feel... and go from there... but don't allow him to jerk you around going back and forth between you and her.. either he wants you or he doesn't.. if he does then he needs to let her go for good.. and you need to be firm about that and make him understand you won't tolerate any nonsense... good luck

sounds like that may be the case...i think you are both hurt in the situation...has he tried to talk to you about this? if not i wouldnt approach him..and like you said and ill advise dont put your life on hold for him...it would appear as though he is really going through it but id be careful not to fall into a trap..be cautious and decide what you want to do..and if he does talk to you be clear about how it is you feel...and go from there...but dont allow him to jerk you around going back and forth between you and her..either he wants you or he doesnt..if he does then he needs to let her go for good..and you need to be firm about that and make him understand you wont tolerate any nonsense...good luck

Lick, I promised to myself I will not initiate to talk to him. I do not want to look desperate. I am doing my best to hold myself well, feel relaxed not chased by anxiety.

We had to be in a 3 way conference call for 30 minutes today, and the another person did not join and basically he and I were on the call, and waited another person for more than 10 minutes alone. We used chat friendly in the case, but now we had odd silence… after 10 minutes or so, finally he said he should go, and said bye, but I did not say a word. He did not hang up for long time, and seemed to wait for me to say anything. There was about another 10 min long pause, and I finally said bye and hung up. He seems struggling with his ego.

"Contradictory, I found his personal life is messed up with wrong relationship"

Not for you to decide.

Just for clarification. All the description of his ex relationship was from him, not me. Thanks.

You know I could be wrong... im going to make this suggestion... and others probably will not agree with this I'm sure.. but perhaps he is closed down because of the cold shoulder... without "talking about the issue... like going after him in a sense you could try a different technique... like being friendly... he probably thinks that you have shut him out and in essence don't want anything to do with him... therefore he is backing away.. which is contrary to what you say you want... so with that being said you may want to back off the solitude a bit.. you are purposely shutting him out... but be careful... and be warned this may not end the way you want it to... if he chooses her you may get hurt... but it seems he is more upset with the fact that he feels he's lost you then anything else... I could be wrong and this is just my opinion...

I'm concerned on several levels - first, this "hang up, no, you hang up" behavior seems out of place in high level management.

If you are a "stunning young looking beauty and have no issues to get date" I don't know why you are putting up with this, why you don't just walk away from this man who, minimally, is conflicted.

You say you are scared to "loose (lose) him now." I don't think you ever "had" him.

This post is a very good reminder why workplace relationships can be a real hassle.

I feel sorry for you - I honestly do - but I think you have to put all of this in perspective and decide what to do.

Me? I'd walk away.

I'm concerned on several levels - first, this "hang up, no, you hang up" behavior seems out of place in high level management.

If you are a "stunning young looking beauty and have no issues to get date" I don't know why you are putting up with this, why you don't just walk away from this man who, minimally, is conflicted.

You say you are scared to "loose (lose) him now." I don't think you ever "had" him.

This post is a very good reminder why workplace relationships can be a real hassle.

I feel sorry for you - I honestly do - but I think you have to put all of this in perspective and decide what to do.

Me? I'd walk away.

I disagree. We all have feelings, easy to get hurt no matter what occupation we have. I do not believe some people have entitlement to be more arrogant than others. Are you saying I should be able to dump people easily with no pain? It seems non-sense to me.

Walking away? I am thinking about it, and it is painful as you can imagine. If it was not painful, I would not be here to tell you my story.

Well, first I think you should read the rules of the site before you begin to hand out "agree" and "disagree" ratings.

I find the "I'll hold on, no, I'll hold on" to be juvenile. Obviously you don't agree but I find no place for that in a professional office setting. Somebody is paying both of you to sit on the phone and listen to each other breathe.

As far as dumping - it seems to me that he is dumping you, not the other way around.

As far as having people - I'm married to a man I love. I don't "have" him. He's my husband, not my possession. Do I have his love? Certainly. Do I own him? No.

sounds like that may be the case...i think you are both hurt in the situation...has he tried to talk to you about this? if not i wouldnt approach him..and like you said and ill advise dont put your life on hold for him...it would appear as though he is really going through it but id be careful not to fall into a trap..be cautious and decide what you want to do..and if he does talk to you be clear about how it is you feel...and go from there...but dont allow him to jerk you around going back and forth between you and her..either he wants you or he doesnt..if he does then he needs to let her go for good..and you need to be firm about that and make him understand you wont tolerate any nonsense...good luck

Thank you so much for your support.

I have update for you. He showed up at my house with flower in the evening, and took me out for dinner. He apologized that he delivered the bad news to me without consideration. He told me he was upset by the fact that he made me upset, and nothing matters any more to him at this moment. He told me he would leave everything behind, and wanted us to be together like before. I forgave him.

We are good again, and I feel very relieved. He suggested me to take a vacation, and visit his new house in the new location in the labor’s day weekend. Thanks a lot..

I see no resolution - I see one man playing two women.

Unannounced appearances, flowers, dinner and a promised vacation to NOT make a relationship.

I think you are opening yourself up to heartbreak because he throws you away and reels you back over dinner and a promised vacation.

SCPark--I would have to say this,you sound like a mature, young woman who is confident and independent.When you sensed you weren't being treated properly and the guy was messed up,you toughened yourself,took a hard decision and told him what you felt.You broke up(as any self-respecting woman with a mind of her own would do)and stepped back.

All relationships have phases of difficulty.Even those which seem happy and perfect on the surface.I am never fooled by any man or woman claiming to be always happy and in love.But what matters is how two people ride out the bad periods together and individually as well.

If this guy came back to you,even after you said you broke up,then made you feel comfortable and convinced enough to give it another try and if you feel convinced enough,then I see no harm in giving the relationship and the guy another shot.We form relationships to grow them and make them work long term.Not to end them,the moment there's a problem.Then that's not a true relationship.

Ask yourself if you feel loved and convinced,respected and well-treated.Did he give you answers and explain everything you wanted to know.Would the ex come back and try to mess him up again.And how would he react then.If you get satisfactory answers to all these questions and you feel this can work,then just go for it.Cautiously and slowly this time.

And never give up on the communication and mutual trust and respect.Thats what matters most.All the best and hope all works out well this time round.

Who's the manipulator here?

You or him?

Some say be careful what you wish for.

Time will tell.

Seems like you already knew the answer here.

SCPark--I would have to say this,you sound like a mature, young woman who is confident and independent.When you sensed you werent being treated properly and the guy was messed up,you toughened yourself,took a hard decision and told him what you felt.You broke up(as any self-respecting woman with a mind of her own would do)and stepped back.

All relationships have phases of difficulty.Even those which seem happy and perfect on the surface.I am never fooled by any man or woman claiming to be always happy and in love.But what matters is how two people ride out the bad periods together and individually as well.

If this guy came back to you,even after you said you broke up,then made you feel comfortable and convinced enough to give it another try and if you feel convinced enough,then I see no harm in giving the relationship and the guy another shot.We form relationships to grow them and make them work long term.Not to end them,the moment there's a problem.Then thats not a true relationship.

Ask yourself if you feel loved and convinced,respected and well-treated.Did he give you answers and explain everything you wanted to know.Would the ex come back and try to mess him up again.And how would he react then.If you get satisfactory answers to all these questions and you feel this can work,then just go for it.Cautiously and slowly this time.

And never give up on the communication and mutual trust and respect.Thats what matters most.All the best and hope all works out well this time round.

Thanks for your support and concerns. It has been going well so far, since he feels he made a scar in our relationship, and he has been treating me extremely well to make it up. He made reservation for dinner every night in a different restaurant since we were back together, and he is trying to show me all his favorite places in town. It was nice he introduced me to his favorite & regular restaurant manager, and told him he would see me often in the restaurant. They have known each other over 10 years, called each other as friend, and it made me feel good about us.

I told him what I need is his dedicated time and affection, not a fancy dinner or big outing, and stay in private. I am very private person anyway. So, this weekend, we stayed at home, ate ordered pizza, and enjoyed the music and chatting all day long. He tried to even cook for me, and it was sweet. He had a big selection of music, he downloaded all his selection in my PC. He transferred my music to his PC as well. I told him about my favorite band while ago, and I found out he remembered it, and actually downloaded all his music in his PC to get to know me. So, it proves me that he respects me a lot. It was cozy and private, and he told he feels like he became a high school kid again.
He is telling me he is so overwhelmed, and whenever he sees me or thinks about me, his heart is racing, and knees are weakening. He says he feels weak. Is it a good sign? I feel happy, but not feel weak. I am not sure about this…Can anyone, especially men, tell me about this? Thank you.

We booked the flight for the holiday weekend. I will be in his new place in Asia for 1 and half weeks.

Whos the manipulator here?

You or him?

Some say be careful what you wish for.

Time will tell.

Seems like you already knew the answer here.

I am not sure who the manipulator is here. I have no plan to play the mind game or control him. He does the same thing, and he says what he has in his mind in any moment. Overall, he seems very straightforward talker, and does not hold anything inside.

Since he visited me with flower, he has been staying in my place, or I have been staying in his place. I think we are spending too much time together, and moving too fast. I like to slow down a little bit, but he has no intention to do it. I brought it up to slow down, and he asked me if I am saying because I am still upset about the incident. So, I had to say no. It seems we are not slowing down at all at this moment. He left to hid place a hour ago to bring his clothes. He will be here in a couple of hours again. He is playing to stay in my home next week.

Work wise, we are re-organizing our work, and making us not to sit in the same meeting often. It works fine so far, and I have no complaint.

Ask yourself if you feel loved and convinced,respected and well-treated.Did he give you answers and explain everything you wanted to know.Would the ex come back and try to mess him up again.And how would he react then.If you get satisfactory answers to all these questions and you feel this can work,then just go for it.Cautiously and slowly this time.


Yes, I feel loved and I know he is madly in love. He is really giving & patient person when he makes love to me. He tells me he loves me whenever he sees the chance. (While we are watching TV, out of blue he says he loves me).

One question though. We have been together for 2 month. I noticed that his hands are still shaking on and off when he is with me. For example, while I was doing something, I felt he was staring at me, turned my head and smile at him, and his face turns to really red, and his hands are shaking. It seems very intense, and I feel little funny. Is it good or bad?

He is a charismatic mentor at work, but very emotional and weak man in our love relationship. It feels so wonderful as a woman, but I am wondering...

You go between praising this man and questioning him - I'm getting mixed signals and he probably is, too.

I still think you are selling yourself for a lot of smooth talking.

Hmmmmm,you feel wonderful yet you keep having doubts as well.

Sign for you to slow down a lot.You need space,both of you,and time,to actually know each other.If you don't do that now,you're just giving in to the heady feeling and glorifying each others' personalities.Not a good sign at all.A relationship that starts this way runs its course very fast and ends on a painful note.

Be frank and firm about the space and slowing down part,with your partner.Tell him,this is in the best interest of both of you.See each other for who you are.Learn to accept each others' faults and weaknesses.

You sound like you want more explanations and insight into the guy's character,traits,habits,which is very very natural.Trust me.You aren't doing anything wrong by wondering on different aspects of this guy's life and personality.Thats how any real relationship should be.Be brave and confident enough to ask/talk and understand.Its always better to have everything out in the open right in the beginning.

I talked to him about slowing down a little. He became straightforward, and told me that since his schedule is always crazy busy, he is trying to spend the most of time with me when he is available. It is understandable. He has been well known as workaholic. I remember he replied work related emails by midnight almost every day before I was involved with him personally. He earns respect by hard working at work, and I respect that too. I have a feeling that he is putting his work aside because of me for now. I think when he resumes his normal schedule, we will have some individual time alone. I think I should relax and play by ear. I do not think it is a good idea to control the relationship. I rather enjoy it as it goes.

I finally caught up with your story. Time will tell how things develop between the two of you. You haven't known him for a very long time and you've already been through so much. It might feel like you fast tracked getting to know him, but the reality is, it's still very new, nor matter how much fast track there has been.

Just keep getting to know each other better. You don't need to jump into the physical stuff so quickly. Take things at whatever pace you're most comfortable with.

I finally caught up with your story. Time will tell how things develop between the two of you. You haven't known him for a very long time and you've already been through so much. It might feel like you fast tracked getting to know him, but the reality is, it's still very new, nor matter how much fast track there has been.

Just keep getting to know each other better. You don't need to jump into the physical stuff so quickly. Take things at whatever pace you're most comfortable with.



Thanks for the wise advice. I know it is new, but it is very intensive and overwhelming. I think it is mainly because of his strong personality. He is very much focused, and goal oriented, and asks questions until he get direct answers. There is no way I can reserve myself as he approaches so directly.

FYI.
I do not want any office gossip, and am focusing to protect our relationship. I am rescheduling all the meetings to void to be in the same meeting with him. It is not comfortable to face him in the meetings among others, and try hard to pretend I do not know him at all personally. It is awaked as you can imagine…
I realized having a relationship at work is very different.

FYI.
I do not want any office gossip, and am focusing to protect our relationship. I am rescheduling all the meetings to void to be in the same meeting with him. It is not comfortable to face him in the meetings among others, and try hard to pretend I do not know him at all personally. It is awaked as you can imagine…
I realized having a relationship at work is very different.


You know, quite frankly, what my problem is? You are a (and I quote) "high rank manager" at some Manhattan firm, yet your spelling and grammar are atrocious.

I am starting not to believe any of this and I honestly hope I am wrong - but something is not ringing "right" here.

You are a rebound!
This guy was dumped by another woman a couple of months before you and now he is madly in love. Get real!
Did he know the woman was married? What does that tell you about him?

He is so in love with you, flies back to the US to be with you, then gets a call from the old girl friend and he's suddenly conflicted. Get real!
I think you have gotten caught up in the whirlwind of who he is and you are not using that corporate brain of yours.
This man is either not emotionally ready for another woman right now or he's a player.
Use your head. Go back and read all of this. Get your head out of the clouds.

Thanks for the wise advice. I know it is new, but it is very intensive and overwhelming. I think it is mainly because of his strong personality. He is very much focused, and goal oriented, and asks questions until he get direct answers. There is no way I can reserve myself as he approaches so directly.
Which is the very reason you need to be using your head.
Stay out of this man's bed, stay out of his space. You are still being used.

Sorry for the typos in my posting. I should not, but I used my iPhone with a finger to post it at the airport. Sometimes, it is hard to see what I typed on the small screen.

Well, here are pros and cons. I think it might be started as rebound for him as I initially concerned. However, if he is not attracted to me, he wouldn’t be this much crazy. There are too many signs he is crazy about me. I do not think it is a good idea to leave him alone to let him clean up his head by himself, and come back to me in his timeline. I will not know his timeline, and I am not sure how it will work out better if he cleans up his head by himself. I also hate waiting. I rather stay with him, and openly talk the topic with him. Fortunately, he is a very straight forward talker, does not hide anything from me including his fault or mistake. I will give him a credit for it, and keep trying.

I am restarting my painting / yoga classes tonight, and it will make me unavailable for him at least a couple of nights a week. I have not had a girls’ night for a while, and I am craving for it. Otherwise, I will continue this relationship and enjoy every moment. He gives me all his attention, tries to know me better, and makes me feel loved and appreciated. I enjoy every moment.

If I do not try, how do I know what I will get eventually? Every relationship has risks, and so as mine.

Thank you for your support and concerns, all! I appreciate it.

If want to be used by this guy, you go right ahead, or use him for that matter. You don't want to give him space to work things out in his head, you want what you want.
If he was so sure about things he would not have freaked out when his ex contacted him. That is the first clue there is something going on there.
But you want this guy and so you are going to hang on for as long as you can whether it's a smart thing or not.

It will not surprise me to see a post later about how he has dumped you or asking do you think he is still seeing his ex? Or is he cheating?
Hey, it's on you now.

You're both in your 40s, no need to play high school mind games. I think it's best to lay all your cards out on the table. Be honest with him, let him know where you stand and let him know what you want. Then he can decide on how to proceed based on what you tell him. There's no reason for either of you to guess what the other person is thinking.

I'd let him love and appreciate you - I just wouldn't allow him access to your body.

You can't tell the difference between love and sex (from what I am reading) and I don't know if he can or can't.

I'd let him love and appreciate you - I just wouldn't allow him access to your body.

You can't tell the difference between love and sex (from what I am reading) and I don't know if he can or can't.

I am talking about heart not body here. Please see my title. “How can I win his heart?” Does it sound like I am discussing about my sex life to you? You got wrong impression. Yes, we have great chemistry, but that it not the only one element I am looking for from my boy friend. I want him as a whole person, especially with full his heart. I am falling for him.

You can't win his heart if it is elsewhere.
Has he broken all ties with his ex?
I think this relationship is moving way too fast. You are allowing him to just move you along at his pace so you don't take the time to stop and think about what's going on.

I hope you are not confusing love with infatuation, control and selfishness.

Honestly, this has reeked from your OP.

Romance at work, the games, the baggage, the ex, the rushing & flip-flopping.

I think you were wooed by his prowess at work, and wanted to catch him in a net. But underneath, he's a different story. Incapable at this time, but probably doesn't mind have someone in proximity worshiping him. All at his discretion.

Some women think that makes them worthy or successful when they bag a guy they put on a pedestal.

My ex was like that. Always moving from pedestal to pedestal. Twisted actually.

I agree with homegirl:

"I think this relationship is moving way too fast"

You can't win his heart if it is elsewhere.
Has he broken all ties with his ex?
I think this relationship is moving way too fast. You are allowing him to just move you along at his pace so you don't take the time to stop and think about what's going on.

Yes, he has not contacted his ex at all. We have been together almost every day, and I just know.

Here is the story about his ex relationship. When he started to date his ex about 4 years ago, he traveled a lot due to his job. His ex complained about his travel a lot, and made him guilty all the time. However, he was too ambitious, ignored her negging, and focused on his career more than her. His ex became unhappy, started cheat on him, and got married to the person she cheated with very quickly. His ex even sent the wedding invitation to him while he was in business trip. He was very shocked and hurt by the fact. He tried to move on, focused on his career and did not even date anyone for a year. A year after though, his ex showed up, told him she was not happy in the marriage, she made a big mistake, and wanted to come back. He should not, but he started to talk to her, and it became affair. She lives in Asia, and he visited about 4-5 times since. His ex is still married strangely, but claiming that she has no choice but has to divorce due to the affair, and he should be sorely responsible & take her back. It is not a pretty story, but hey, nobody is perfect. I am OK with that. I think the woman is not a good wife material for anyone.

I found he is very defensive about his job, and he is concerned if I will mind his busy schedule. I think everything has cost. His career has been actually ruining his private life. I am seeing him as a lonely man, who is seeking an understandable & loving woman to be with. I think I can make him happy.

Yes, I know we are both passionate and affectionate, and we are moving too fast. I also know his heart is just with me now.

"He should not, but he started to talk to her, and it became affair. "

"I am OK with that"

Like I said: Be careful what you wish for.
You may be the next.

"His career has been actually ruining his private life"
"I think I can make him happy"

He has to fix things on his own volition. Not by a savior.

Time will tell what decisions he makes. Unfortunately, he doesn't have a good track record, as he was willing to be with a women who was already married, even though it was his ex. That just shows that he's not emotionally stable and can easily be infactuated by lust.

If you continue, I would say, proceed with caution, otherwise, you're just setting yourself up for a huge heartbreak.

I am talking about heart not body here. Please see my title. “How can I win his heart?” Does it sound like I am discussing about my sex life to you? You got wrong impression. Yes, we have great chemistry, but that it not the only one element I am looking for from my boy friend. I want him as a whole person, especially with full his heart. I am falling for him.


We are on such opposite sides of this that I can't quite believe it. You WANT him as a whole person with "full his heart." You are looking for ownership, not a relationship.

What he did to "her" he will do to you.

And would you please answer my question about your management job and inability to express yourself? I think some of the details in your posts are something less than truthful.

My spidey senses are tingling and I am pretty good at it.

On the other hand you don't want to listen, you want to chat, and this is not a chat board.

It is constantly negative, and quite insulting. I do what I told you so, and I have no reason to put up your hostility any longer. It is so strange that some people are just mean. It will ruin the whole image about this board.

I think I better to leave you guys, so you can help others who seeks advice to resolve own issues. The rest of members are very thoughtful and helpful on this board, and I truly appreciate it. Good luck everyone!

This site isn't, as I know it, isn't concerned with image. Just dedication. Helping as best as pssible.

I wish you luck if you decide to leave.

You have received, in my opinion advice that is right on.

Its for you to soak it in. Take a step back.

I think about your original question:
"how can i win his heart"

That's loaded. "win"? And "his" heart. Its not a game.
As others have said, in so many words:

No. Love comes from within. Not to be forced.

If you want to come back, were here.

Everyone has their own opinion, but at the end of the day, it's your decision on how you proceed. We all provide advice based on what you tell us, but it's up to you to screen out which advice you want. But everyone is giving you advice based on what they believe is the best advice for you.

At the end of the day, as long as you're happy and at peace with your decisions, then all the better for you!

Scpark-we have all gone through bad,broken relationships.All posters and advice givers here are here for the reason to either get a perspective on their relationships or help others get that perspective.I can't tell you how much I benefitted by sharing here.You need to see my earlier posts to believe it.

I understand now,more than ever,the need to face truth,the healing power of knowing I am not alone,that its not always me that's ruined things,that its not always the other person who's ruined things but maybe another factor like "It just wasnt meant to be"that could be at play.I have learnt so much about my strengths and weaknesses by interacting here.And I have learnt the most valuable lesson I could never have learnt if I weren't here :I won't settle.If that means being on my own for the rest of my life,so be it,but what matters most is the fact that today,I feel happy and whole and at peace.Today I feel composed,relaxed and closer to myself and to my God.All because I walked through fire just a year/couple of years back when everything was going wrong--my relationship fell apart,work wasn't that great and many such issues.

It was all related and all moving in a vicious circle and ripping me apart.I had people to talk to,listen to me,without getting any real help.Because I was looking everywhere else apart from WITHIN.Posters here taught me the power of self love,of knowing myself,of searching WITHIN.

All our answers are there--deep inside of us.Sometimes when feelings cloud our mind's eye,God gives us other means of seeing.Through other people's advice/help.Which I got here.

The point of all this is I just want to reassure you,we are here to help you see yourself and your situation better.Of course we can't give you a cheatsheet on how to proceed in your situation because we don't know.Nobody does.

Go with your gut,know yourself more,keep having internal discourses with your inner self(sound too heavy?Actually isn't,its like you talk to yourself as though talking to your best friend),find out what is it you REALLY truly want.And always evaluate as objectively as possible,what deal the person on the other side is giving you and whether that deal suits you as a human being.

All the best.