Relationship and parenting question

I don't see what's really wrong with that... did the 10 year old have a nightmare or is going through a tough time?

I don't think there's much to worry about until puberty sets in.

Did he give a reason?

I would tread very carefully here,things have a way of being misconstrewed,she says something to her mother,next thing you know it's a nightmare.

For me, I would think its very odd and would certainly question why.

He may just see her as his little girl and sees no harm in it,however with you in the bed as well,I would not be happy about that arrangement.

I agree. There was no reasoning behind it I was too upset about it and I ended up sleeping elsewhere.

@redhead and braxan

This is coming from a guy's perspective... just out of curiosity, why would/were you so upset about it? She's just a kid... is there something I'm missing?

@redhead and braxan

This is coming from a guy's perspective...just out of curiosity, why would/were you so upset about it? She's just a kid...is there something I'm missing?

Its one thing for a kid at 10 coming into her parents bed scared after a bad dream and needs comfort.

The same situation with a girlfriend or boyfriend,I would be very uncomfortable with someone else's child in bed with me.

From a parents point of view,if my ex allowed my 9 year old to sleep in the same bed with this girlfriend I would go balistic.

There is an intimacy issue with boyfriend/girlfriend,while as parents you go into parent mode,when one person is not a parent I can only imagine it would be very unsettling.

Mostly 9 to 11 year olds (and up) want their own bed and to sleep on their own and understand at some level the difference between gf/and daddy in bed together and mam/dad in bed together.

I can't understand how the child would be comfortable with this arrangement.

In today's society people are more aware of protecting children from sexual situations,and although the ops boyfriend and herself are perfectly innocent a teacher or the mother may not be so comfortable.

That kind of situation is a nightmare to even think about,even a passing comment on the situation can turn into dirt throwing situation.

I kind of understand that. I guess I was hoping that the girlfriend would go into "parent mode" or at least try, to the best of her knowledge, to understand.

I know a few kids who try to sleep in bed with mom/dad when there's a new boyfriend/girlfriend in the picture in order to hold onto mom/dad, in order to give themselves a sense of protection over their parents... could this be the case?

You took the words right out of my mouth. If my ex allowed either of my boys to sleep in the same bed with his girlfriend I would be extremely upset. I was very uncomfortable with the situation and feel that a couples bed should be their own space. If the child needs a parent the parent should lay down with the child in the child's bed. However if it was OUR child I may have felt differently about the situation. There was no nightmare. She wasn't scared. She just wanted to sleep with her father because she was going away for a week with her mother?? I also find this odd.

Well ISF that also crossed my mind. I just think that it should be dealt with appropriately. In my opionion having an almost 11 year old girl sleep with her father and myself is innapropriate.

I guess it's one of those things I won't understand until I have a child of my own. I simply looked at it as being an innocent thing, but after reading redhead's point of view, I KIND of understand it, but again, like I said, definitely one of those things that I won't fully grasp until I have my own underling.

I guess it all depends on the situation.

As JMJ states, it depends on the situation.


I know a few kids who try to sleep in bed with mom/dad when there's a new boyfriend/girlfriend in the picture in order to hold onto mom/dad, in order to give themselves a sense of protection over their parents...could this be the case?
I could be wrong but I think ISF has hit the nail on the head here. Braxan you responded saying that what ISF wrote crossed your mind but you think it should be dealt with appropriately. It sounds as if it possibly wasn't dealt with appropriately by your boyfriend. I don't know how long the two of you have been together but the fact that she was going away for only a week with her mother doesn't make sense UNLESS your relationship is relatively new OR your relationship with her father has recently deepened in some way. It strikes me that this might be a typical manipulation of daddy move by a pre-adolescent girl who is fearful of losing her father's love and attention to his girlfriend. How is your relationship with the girl? Did you speak with him about what happened and tell him that you were uncomfortable with the situation? If you haven't already done so, you might want to ask him to put himself in your shoes. Ask him to be honest with himself as to how he would feel if one of your sons insisted on sleeping with the two of you. You need to talk this out and get on the same page so that if it occurs again, it will be handled with a caring but firm hand by your boyfriend. JMHO.

People just don't have respectful boundaries made with common sense. This situation is a good example of this.

There is no reason why a 10 year old should be invited to sleep between her father, and his girlfriend. Totally, completely, without a doubt, a bad parenting decision, in my opinion. If I were the ex of this guy, and found out about it, I'd hit the roof.

10 year olds ARE in puberty.

If the daughter needs emotional reassurance, or she is marking her territory, the father should be sitting her down and doing what he needs to do as a parent- ouside of the bedroom, and most particularly, outside of the bedroom when there is another adult person in the bed!

I don't see this as a problem that has to be solved by allowing, or inviting, a 10 year old girl to sleep with her father, and his girlfriend.

It has to be solved by the father setting a few boundaries, and making it clear the bedroom is off limits. Sleeping with him is off limits. Sleeping with him while his girlfriend is also sleeping with him, is off limits.

If the kid has a problem with that, tough beans. Set some limits.

To the OP- I would be totally uncomfortable with that situation, and would re-think my relationship with this man. He is putting you in a very uncomfortable position where you have no authority or say in whether you wish to share your bed with his 10 year old daughter. To disregard your comfort level, is really rude, to say the least.

If the kid has an illness, or wakes up in the night screaming about monsters under the bed, then he should go to HER bed. Comfort her fine, of course, but to encourage this kind of behaviour is not appropriate in my opinion.

I am in total agreement. I know the situation was inappropriate which is why I ended up sleeping elsewhere which infuriated me! If my children are scared I go to them. I would never put my children OR my boyfriend in that situation you are right it is rude. And we have been dating for quite sometime. This is the first time he allowed this. However this is OUR bed and I feel that I should have been consulted before the child was allowed to sleep in the bed. This child is extremely clingy and now due to this situation I view the child differently.

Its not the kids fault,it's the fathers fault.

Be angry at him,he's the adult.

Whatever the child's motives were i.e. scared,wanted dad... she is still a kid without the full understanding of what she was asking.

Where as your boyfriend was just inconsiderate.

I am in total agreement. I know the situation was inappropriate which is why I ended up sleeping elsewhere which infuriated me!! If my children are scared I go to them. I would never put my children OR my bf in that situation you are right it is rude. And we have been dating for quite sometime. This is the first time he allowed this. However this is OUR bed and I feel that I should have been consulted before the child was allowed to sleep in the bed. This child is extremely clingy and now due to this situation I view the child differently.

I guess I should have been as straighforward as Jake in my approach. I hope you don't think I was suggesting that you invite the girl to sleep with you! I was trying to do the exact opposite.

I am definitely getting from your posts that you are angry over this. But, anger isn't productive and if you continue to be angry at him (or the child) over this your relationship will suffer. So my questions remain. What have you done to speak with your BF about this and ensure that next time you are on the same page in handling the situation? Or would you rather not have us give any advice because you were just looking for the short answer to your question? If the latter is the case, I think it is normal for a 10 year old girl to manipulate her father and try to get in between him and his girlfriend.