Ok so is my husband still in love with his ex fiancé? I have been married for almost two years. About four years before I met my husband he was engaged to another lady and had to leave the country they lived in abruptly and therefore their relationship died because of the distance. He assured me that he is not in love with her and has no feelings for her and they are no longer in touch. Yesterday I went through his messages and found that his ex had found him on Facebook and he had written her an email which said that (a) he regrets leaving the country but more importantly regres leaving her (b) he still thinks about her a lot. I confronted him about this and he told me he is over her and doesn't think about her and I am not second fiddle to her. Is he lying? Should I believe him or what I saw in black and white? Please help

Okay, you saw it in black and white and you thought you read between the lines. Thinking about her is not cheating, you are stretching the truth and showing you are insecure in your relationship. If you harp on this heartbroken it is going to go from bad to worse, so put it out of your mind.

Tick

Seeing is believing so if he responded to a post she made or email that was addressed to him then its right there in front of you. Most of us remember ex's in some way but if its over its over. From what your stating this is some kind of game on his part. That is a very dangerous game on his part. This in my opinion needs to be monitored.

Could he just be letting her down easily? Is this just his apology for leaving abruptly? Most good humans have regrets and guilt to deal with when they have hurt others, and this could well be the case.

I wouldn't jump to conclusions, but this IS something he should be very honest about with you, if nothing else, to reassure you about YOUR relationship, and keep you from getting carried away, or over anxious.

That's where the HONEST communications have to start. I think maybe he was unpacking his past baggage that you were aware of, so push for talking and listening, not angry confrontation, or useless accusations.

I hear what you are saying but I also know that in terms of ex's it is normal to still think of them.. I don't think he's cheating.. People fall in love and for some relationship deep feelings have a way of lingering especially when things didn't end badly... I have an ex whom I'm still in contact with and I love very deeply and he I... however I am with someone else and he knows not to ever cross that boundary and I will never betray the person I'm with for him.. hes like my best friend so to speak... its normal for you to feel a little twinge of jealousy because this person shared time and love with him... but if he told you that you are not second fiddle to her then believe him... no reason to doubt unless he gives you a reason to.. it only causes drama and problems in the marriage... if you have unanswered questions then talk to him about them.. but don't assume..

I have posted this a thousand times - I'm an investigator.

Did OP "go through his messages" behind his back? If so, why? It's a case of not asking a question unless you're prepared for the answer.

I would no more dream of going through my husband's email than I would think of going through his wallet. You either trust or you don't.

I question why OP is insecure enough to be snooping - if she is.

That's the bigger question.

Ok so is my husband still in love with his ex fiance? I have been married for almost two years. About four years before i met my husband he was engaged to another lady and had to leave the country they lived in abruptly and therefore their relationship died because of the distance. He assured me that he is not in love with her and has no feelings for her and they are no longer in touch. Yesterday i went through his messages and found that his ex had found him on facebook and he had written her an email which said that (a) he regrets leaving the country but more importantly regres leaving her (b) he still thinks about her a lot. I confronted him about this and he told me he is over her and doesn't think about her and i am not second fiddle to her. Is he lying? Should I believe him or what i saw in black and white? Please help


Well, obviously he is lying about not thinking about her or he wouldn't have said it to her. Perhaps clumsily, he likely was trying to reassure you that he is happy being married to you. As others have said, people think about their exes from time to time. On occasion, I'll think about my ex, and in some ways will always love him as he is the father of my kids, but I would not want to be married to him again.

I could see him perhaps responding with a "hi, how have you been", but it shouldn't have gone beyond that. Certainly not that he regrets leaving her and thinks about her a lot.

Her contacting him likely brought up remembering old feelings and reminicing about old times, but I think he shared more than he should have.

Is it cheating? Depends on how someone defines cheating... regardless it's not appropriate, I can understand your hurt, and I think you two need to do some more talking.

Define cheating. Big question, but some people think cheating is their husband watching porn. I don't think that is cheating. Thinking about an ex, I don't think that is cheating. Everyone has thoughts in the back of their head and memories are something we can't wipe out on a whim. I think about all of my past b/fs, and I am 68 (can you imagine how many that was). I happen to have a good memory and remember all of them. So is that cheating on my husband, no I don't think so. I am in constant contact with old acquaintances because we share memories, funny moments. That is life, a good part of life as far as I am concerned.

So, someone define cheating. Cheating is meeting an ex, and having intimate moments. That's cheating. That is not what happened here as far as we know.
Hubby is only human.

Tick





I question why OP is insecure enough to be snooping - if she is.

That's the bigger question.

Some people are naturally insecure. It comes right along side immaturity. One can still be immature at 40. It doesn't mean her husband has done anything wrong previously; she just may be naturally insecure. Someone always looking for the wrong in the right. Maybe she has too much time on her hands to sit and think and find fault.

I am not saying this is the case, but isn't it what we are here for to get ideas out there so they can picked apart to find the right answer.

Okay, tell me to shut up, I am rambling, Judy.

Tick

Some people are naturally insecure. It comes right along side immaturity. One can still be immature at 40. It doesnt mean her husband has done anything wrong previously; she just may be naturally insecure. Someone always looking for the wrong in the right. Maybe she has too much time on her hands to sit and think and find fault.


Exactly my point - she's very insecure, she checks his mail (or Facebook or whatever), gets upset by what she finds, corners him, he says it's nothing - and she doesn't believe him.

I do thinkt here is emotional cheating, too (incidental to this question). When the husband goes to someone else instead of the wife when there's a problem, when he needs emotional support - I consider that cheating.

When the husband goes to someone else instead of the wife when there's a problem, when he needs emotional support - I consider that cheating.

Emotional cheating (turning to someone for emotional support) usually turns into the intimate kind. So yes, I agree.

Tick

I agree tickle... the only comments that stand out to me are that he says he "regrets leaving her" and thinks about her "a lot". To me, that carries a slightly different connontation than if he had said he had sometimes wondered how she was doing the last couple of years.
Reignighting a friendship, having a laugh over past situations, sharing what your are doing in your lives now, is one thing... and that may be all this is or will become since it appears it was just this one conversation.
As Judy asked, did she have reason to be suspisious that caused her to snoop in the first place? It doesn't have to be cheating if it appears a bit more intimate than she feels is appropriate and causes her concern.
I'd try to give him the benefit of the doubt and believe him and just see how things go... but I wouldn't be overly pleased to see my husband saying those things to his ex either.

I don't think that he went to her for support.. I think it was more of a settling unspoken feelings about the way things ended...

I didn't say he went to her for support. Tick and I were "talking" about what constitues cheating and what does not.

Sorry mustve missed a post I refreshed but only saw the one.. but the posts are coming in after I'm posting

It sounds to me that your husband and his ex fiancé, left a little business unfinished. That would be 'the end' part of their relationship.

By the way your post reads, you had talked to him about her, before you went through his email looking for 'proof' of your suspicions. Why were you suspicious, and why did you need reasurance, and why was his explanation not believeable.

There must have been something wrong for her to come up in the first place.

You have quoted only parts of what you read. Are those his actual words, or is the context more extensive. You say he said he is no longer in touch with her, so if she's removed from his address book, and his Facebook, why is she still a problem for you.

If what you have written here is exactly what he said, point blank, short simple sentences, then I'd be very concerned if it were me. But, if this is only bits of an entire email that also included more about his present than his past (including you), then you are probably reading too much into this. If he isn't in touch with her as he has told you, why are you hanging onto the possibility that he's up to no good.

The 'other woman' may not be after your husband, that's something to consider too. Perhaps he is responding to her inappropriately. I have several friends on my Facebook, who were former boyfriends, and never has it happened that any one of them has said they regret leaving me. In fact, one became a minister, and apparently that was my fault... :confused:

In other words, the friend connection is only a light hearted occasional sharing of information, usually about mutual friends, family etc. and not geared to breaking up a marriage, or arranging an affair. At least in my experience.

If you go looking for proof, and you find something, and turn it into concrete evidence, you may be short changing him, and yourself, especially if what you have found is already after the fact, as in, he is no longer in contact with her.

I think she is more worried about him doing to her, what he did to the ex, than anything else, and that's was her need to snoop. She was afraid, and now after snooping, she is even more afraid.

My buddy did the same thing on MySpace a few years ago.

His reasoning was he just want to tease that girl so she can respond and stroke his ego. He had no intention of cheating, he just wanted to put a carrot in front of her face and see if she'd go for it. Well, his fiancé found the conversation and it cut her deep. In fact, we were talking about it on Friday.

As for what to believe I don't know, it's really a judgement call on your end. He may have meant those words, or he may have just wanted an extra ego boost. It sucks either way which is understandable.

It’s not technically cheating…Society is putting a lot of issues in the cheating category these issues, in my opinion don’t belong. Sexting, Watching porn, sending an e-mail for example is not cheating. These actions are inappropriate.

The fact he contacted her is inappropriate.

Yes, he is lying. If he is not lying to you then he is at least lying to her. What purpose would he have to lie to her?

As far as you leaving him.. Does he make you happy and feel loved?

If your answer yes, then stay, but you make sure he knows how you feel about the situation.

If your answer is no, leave.

I think that if he was last involved with his ex girlfriend four years before he married his wife, that makes six years since he's had contact with his ex girlfriend. He's been married two years.

If he is mixing it up with the ex of six years ago, and what the OP says is true, the thing that gets me is, she confronted him before she went snooping in his email/facebook. So, I suspect there was contact prior with him, and the woman from his ancient past. (In today's terms)

Maybe she will return with a bit more information.

I have some questions:

1. How long did you know him before you married him? Did he give you any indication that he was still pining for his ex before you married him? Did he tell you about the ex and that he is over her before you married him? Have you been paranoid about her coming back into his life and not believing him when he said/says it was over a long time ago?

2. According to what you wrote he had not been in contact with her for over six years (four years until he met you, plus the time you dated, plus the two years of your marriage.) SHE contacted him on FaceBook. He did not go looking for her. Was that the only email between them? How long ago was it written/sent? Had she responded? He kept a copy of his sent mail. That is not a person trying to cover his tracks or hide anything.

3. Was that the entire email or the pieces that bothered you? Was it in response to a specific question(s) from her? Did you take parts of the email out of context?

4. Regrets happen. Especially if he had to leave quickly and there wasn't much resolution to their relationship. If it felt like abandonment to either one of them, there could be regret over causing pain and hurt. It doesn't mean he regrets the life he has today or being with the woman he is with and says he loves. Has he given you any indication that he regrets the present or the future you are building together?

5. 'Thinking' of her in the context of talking to her and you may be very different.

Does he think about living in that other other country and what he did there that she was a part of? Does he think about old times and old friends when something triggers a memory like a certain movie, song, smell or news report makes him wonder if everyone he knew is okay or where are they now?

Are you asking about him 'thinking' of her in terms of 'is she still available', 'does she still love me as much as I love her', dreaming of what their life would be like if he wasn't married to you and other very intimate thoughts? Is that what he thought you were asking?

6. Do you love him and trust him?

Firstly I have to say this was my first time on any kind of forum and I am amazed and grateful at the responses everyone has taken the time to give me. All of which have been very helpful. I think the nail was hit on the head when some of you said I may be insecure for going through his emails but the problem is I was cheated on in a previous relationship so I am overly cautious to guard against my heart being shattered. I think the big thing for me with finding this mail was that it hurts (perhaps because of ego) to know that the person you love thinks about someone else in an intimate way. What makes it worse for me is that I recently had an ex boyfriend find me on Facebook and send me mail about how he misses me a lot etc. I thought it was highly inappropriate given that he was married and I thought it was disrespectful to his wife and I thought very little of him... Now I am in a position where my husband is that man! Anyway after I read the messages that had come through early enough yesterday my husband and I chatted and I have decided to believe what I saw in black and white rather than the explanation he gave... (again this stems from my past where I had an ex tell me something was green when it was clearly black and I'd believe him even though I could see it with my own eyes... so I refuse to lie to myself again). So that left me with the fact that he thinks about his ex a lot and regrets leaving her (Exact words by the way and not taken out of context. I have tried to be as objective as possible about this). So I decided that I would forgive him this and we would wipe the slate clean and start again. The build up to this was really that we have been fighting more than usual, I don't feel he finds me attractive like he used and does not compliment like he used to, Also I "stumbled" across another email of his earlier this year in which he was flirting with a girl he used to sleep with. Not overt flirting but I know him and I know he was flirting and he initiated that. The reason I went into his mail this time was to see if there was anymore of that interaction between them and instead I found this bombshell.

Right so although I've decided to move on it does hurt but I do love him and I do believe he will not make this mistake again moving forward. Am I right?

Right so although I've decided to move on it does hurt but I do love him and I do believe he will not make this mistake again moving forward. Am I right?

It all depends on how you move forward.

If you are 'snooping' and questioning his interactions with other women (in other words, looking for issues), then it doesn't matter what he does or doesn't do. You will see it all in the worst way possible.

On the other hand, if you put this and the 'flirting email' behind you and work on building a happy life together by setting boundaries and trusting each other to stay in those boundaries, there is a chance for it to work.

Be careful that you do not drive him away by being insecure and accusing him of thoughts that he doesn't have. Projecting our own thoughts, feelings, and fears on other people is good way to lose sight of who they are. See your husband as the individual that he is not as the latest person who might cheat on you.

Keep the lines of communication open. Talk with him about your fears and work together to move forward.

Best of luck for a long and wonderful relationship.

I'd also add that be sure to tell him what you need from him. If you need to hear compliments once in awhile, make sure he knows this. If you need him to be more attentive, he needs to know that as well.
Work through whatever the issues are that have caused you to be arguing more than usual.

No doubt he is aware of the cheating situation you had in a past relationship, and while it may be easy to say not to allow the insecurities from that into your current relationship, it is not always easy to do. Hopefully he will be a bit more understanding of why you can be insecure at times and make sure he doesn't do things that feed into that.

This has to go both ways for the two of you, it can't be done by just one person. He needs to understand his part in dealing with the trust issues and make an effort to reassure you, and avoid communicating with other women on the computer if he can't keep it on appropriate terms, and you need to try to work through your past and avoid letting it damage your present.

It truly does need to be a united effort by both of you or it simply won't work.

You have a lot of past baggage to get over, because its not fair you assume he is like your ex, and its unfair that he pay for what your ex did to you. Its also not fair that you withhold valuable information about your own wants, and needs, from him, like he is a mind reader, or something, or should know your feelings. That makes you insecure, and feeds the fear.

Deal with your fears in positive ways, and let them lead to better communications. Just so you have the facts. Facts will always help you face your FEARS, and know when your fear is unreasonable. That's why you need to be cool, calm, collected and under control, so you can talk and LISTEN to your partner in a non accusing, objective way.

Honest communications are how partners define the boundaries of good behavior that they can BOTH understand, and live by.

The worst thing about this is that if I was just in a relationship and not married to him I am almost 70% sure I would have left him over this. I would have used this as an indication of things to come with him. But being married and having a child together changes the ball game. This becomes something I have to confront head on and deal with and push past... What a test of character... I'm hopeful I can be the stronger woman.

The worst thing about this is that if I was just in a relationship and not married to him I am almost 70% sure I would have left him over this. I would have used this as an indication of things to come with him. But being married and having a child together changes the ball game. This becomes something I have to confront head on and deal with and push past... What a test of character... I'm hopeful I can be the stronger woman.


You are correct... being married and having a child together often does change how you think you would react to something. It is so easy for people to say what they would do in a given situation, but until they actually find themselves there it is not always so black and white.

Hopefully the two of you will be able to work together on restoring the trust in the relationship. It will take some time, you will have moments of doubt, but if both of you are making a real effort, your marriage can be much stronger for it.

I wish you all the best!

It may not be cheating but it is not appropriate.

I can see where your concerns stem from and I'm sure he does too. I would hope after this incident he will try to be more appropriate in his dealing with women. This is a second time thing for him.
It is your choice to put this behind you and move forward, and that means not throwing things up in his face.
I hope this will be the last incidence like this.
I wish you both well.

It all depends on how you move forward.

On the other hand, if you put this and the 'flirting email' behind you and work on building a happy life together by setting boundaries and trusting each other to stay in those boundaries, there is a chance for it to work.

Be careful that you do not drive him away by being insecure and accusing him of thoughts that he doesn't have. Projecting our own thoughts, feelings, and fears on other people is good way to lose sight of who they are. See your husband as the individual that he is not as the latest person who might cheat on you.

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Just re-read your advice and it is spot on! Its funny how things work he does something and it all ends up being about me... My insecurities... my snooping... I wonder if women put too much blame on themselves in general. If the relationship breaks down after this it will be because of my inability to move on... There is a saying I once heard which basically said a man's infidelity does not break up a home but a woman's does... Haven't we moved on from those times yet?

Just re-read your advice and it is spot on! Its funny how things work he does something and it all ends up being about me... My insecurities... my snooping... I wonder if women put too much blame on themselves in general. If the relationship breaks down after this it will be because of my inability to move on... There is a saying I once heard which basically said a man's infidelity does not break up a home but a woman's does... Haven't we moved on from those times yet?

I am not saying that you are at fault or that he won't do something in the future that changes the situation. I am not saying that women are to blame. I have pretty much said the same thing to males who have the same issue with allowing their past to dictate their present and future (a quick search can show you that it seems to be a common problem for everyone). What I am saying is that a relationship has to have trust as part of its foundation. It, also, needs a willingness on the part of both individuals to work together to move past the bad spots.

You have to be as willing to work with him as you want him to be in being sensitive to your feelings. It can't be just him making changes and adapting to your boundaries. The boundaries have to be set and agreed to by both of you. You also have to be willing to discuss the issues and LISTEN to what he has to say.

If you automatically dismiss his thoughts and concerns or reasons, then it may get to a point where he is hiding things to keep from upsetting you. It becomes part of a cycle of you finding something, accusing him of an infraction, shutting him out and down because you don't believe/trust him, him hiding what he thinks will upset you, you snooping and finding anything that could be considered 'evidence', accusing him...

You both have pasts that have shaped who you are as individuals. How you work and grow together will shape your marriage and your child's future.

Thank you for your honesty in your last post, that cleared up some questions I had. Particularly of past behaviour, of which there was past contact as you found out.

This was, in other words, not a one shot deal.

I do not see you as an overly suspicious or judgmental person, particularly in light of the answer to my question of, was what you wrote about his conversation with her, complete sentences, or did you pick the worst bits, but the context meaning may have been different.

So now you know what he has done, and that he has done it more than once. He is your husband, not your high school boyfriend. His behaviour is inappropriate.

I would be very cautious as to his honesty. Your gut told you something was wrong, there was trouble in the relationship (arguing etc.), obviously you thought something might be going on, and voilà, you find, and have found email between him and TWO exe's.

And this makes you overly suspicious- why?

While it takes a great deal of work and communication to make any relationship work, when one party does what yours has done, that seems to be something that he should be apologizing for for starteers, and two- working to regain your trust.

Call me old fashioned, and even though we are talking email here, and not face to face contact, that could only be because you found out. What if you hadn't done the snooping, would there have been more email? A third 'ex'?

I strongly recommend counselling for the two of you. I suspect that the already existing problems you noted in the relationship, are a part of this, or have led to this in some way.

Unless he chooses to live under a rock with a bag over his head, he knows his actions and words to these other women, were inappropriate.

If it were me, and only my opinion here, I would not be satisfied with the expectation being that it was me that was seeing things incorrectly, or putting more importance on it that I felt, or that my instinct was wrong because I had some sort of insecurity about myself. That, again in my opinion, is bull.

If you are unhappy with what is going on, or has gone on, and need to be more sure of him, and your relationship, then work on the health of it- honesty- through a therapist.

Cat1864 thanks for clarifying and I agree. Jake2008 I assume you are a guy and its interesting to see your perspective and it is in line with what I was thinking.

By way of update my husband apologised and says he wishes he never wrote that email. He sees that it was inappropriate. However, so far I have been passing snide remarks about men and cheating once in a while and yesterday it was one too many and that really pissed him off. I told him although I have decided to move on with him it will take time for me to forgive fully. I'm still bruised and some moments I feel like putting him through the same crap. I even contemplated getting in touch with an ex who I had a particularly serious and emotional rollercoaster of a relationship with... And I did in fact make contact with him (much to my disappointment). I've moved on from him a long time ago and really I'm not interested but I think I have started something in his head AAAAHHH! Don't know if I should tell my husband about that or should just blank him and hope he goes away.

I think we probably do need to see a therapist unfortunately in our circles the connotations of seeing a therapist are pretty negative. And our community is small enough for people to find out. For now venting to you guys will have to do...

It is not uncommon to want to "get even" by contacting someone yourself. Some people will have affairs after a partner does simply to try and hurt them back or to fulfill the need to feel wanted. But it usually backfires and only makes it more difficult to rebuild the trust and communication.

Don't contact the guy again... ignore any contact he may try to make with you... completely!

I understand the remarks about men cheating... part of it may be seeking a response from him that tells you he is in agreement about it being a horrible thing. Part of it might be wanting him to get the hint that you are still unsure... and you are seeking some reassurance still of his feelings for you. It is your insecurity and fear talking... understandable, but will likely not have the effect you are after.

Many times women will play a scenerio in their heads of what they will say and then what their partner will say or do in response, and we often set ourselves up for disappointment when they don't follow the script we played out in our minds!

You have a wonderful start in that he acknowledges that what he did was inappropriate and offered an apology. Accept it graciously, try to avoid the remarks. Plan a time to sit down to discuss how you are going to make things better from here on out and so that both of you have your needs met in this relationship.

Rediscover why you married each other in the first place... and build on that... :)

QUOTE by heartbroken2010;
Cat1864 thanks for clarifying and I agree. Jake2008 I assume you are a guy and its interesting to see your perspective and it is in line with what I was thinking.
No, I'm not a guy. Just couldn't think of a nic when I joined up, and my dog was chewing my slipper at the time. :D

Retalliation is never a good idea, especially when it is essentially repeating the bad behaviour of your mate. Take a higher road here.

I wouldn't beat him up after the issue is resolved/on the mend. I don't recall you saying he had actually apologized, but now that he has, it's time to put the issue to rest.

I realize that, like most people, seeing a therapist in a small town might leave you a bit open to gossip, but after your post, I'd like to encourage you to make the effort. Venting may make you feel better, and you may learn from the responses you get, but if you feel the problems within the relationship are continuing and ongoing, therapy can help.

I guess you take your chances either way. However, you may have far more to lose than a few raised eyebrows if you choose not to go.

I agree. If there's any way to get some marriage counseling, I think it would be a good thing to try, even if you have to go out of town to do it. Maybe one of those weekend marriage building workshops? Just a thought. I've never done that.

Other advice. Some couples who have a baby, never spend any time together without the baby. Get a sitter and start going out once a week. Low key time away from the house and problems. The talk shouldn't all be about the baby and problems, though some of it can be. Like women, men need attention and maybe your husband's not getting enough lately. Take him out on a date once a week.

Edit: People mostly accept that a car is a valuable investment and you have to have the oil changed and make regular repairs to keep it running. A marriage is similar. It's worth keeping it running by investing time and money in the marriage itself. Plus you two could have some fun. :)

Go to counseling if you can, in fact make every effort to do so, but you need to cut out the snide remarks, it's childish.
If he has acknowledged his wrong and you have said OK lets work on this, leave the remarks out. That is not working on things, that's getting back at him.
So you make up your mind if you really mean what you said or you run the risk of pushing him away.

Hang in there and you two work on your marriage.
I wish you well

Defo no of course you will think about them u cared about them once just don't do anymore then think but if you have feelings and want to try go for it life is sort