Hi. I'm only 16, so sorry, I'm ignorant when it comes to relationships. But I met this guy through a friend online. He's very sweet, we've been talking for a couple of weeks and we have a lot in common- our conversations just seem to flow. I've seen pictures of him, he's cute and he's very attracted to me (and also a hopeless romantic, haha). He started talking to me once a few months ago and I kind of cut it off because he was openly flirting with me, and because I haven't been in a relationship I freaked out and kind of cut it off there. But, as I said, I've been talking to him a lot recently.
After a day or so I was very physically attracted to him- but the attraction just comes and goes, and it's not there right now. I've told him that I'm very confused about how I feel about him- sometimes I'm crazy about him and sometimes I feel nothing, which frustrates me to no end- and he's very understanding and says that though he'd like very much to be in a relationship with me, he'd be "ecstatic" if I found a guy for me closer to home. (he, uh, lives a few states away.)
Obviously I haven't met him yet, but I know that even if I wasn't attracted to him, we both agree that we have the potential to be at the very least good friends. Another problem- I probably won't be able to meet him in person until next summer.
It won't be the end of the world to either of us if we don't turn out to be attracted to each other in person- but I think that I'm trying to see, basically, if we would still have a chance. Because- I was very attracted to him a few weeks ago, and nothing at all has changed, it just sort of... went away?
Help.


Bee tee dubs, to add, maybe I was in love with the idea of being in love? Does this mean we still have a chance? Aaah. :\

I have to caution you hausisse about on line attachments. Even if the person shows you a pic doesn't mean that is an actual image of that person. This person you are interacting with over the net could be someone trying to lure you; could be an older individual who makes it his hobby; could be a sexual offender.

If I were you I would stop all contact with this individual.

As for your attraction for him coming and going. That is a good indication of your gut instincts tell you there is something wrong going on.

Tick

I have several friends whom I know in person who know and have met him personally, though. :/

I have several friends whom I know in person who know and have met him personally, though. :/

If that is the case, then you are safe. To answer your question about going hot and cold with him, well you would have to meet him to determine how you actually feel. On line personalities are entirely different from real life.

Tick

if that is the case, then you are safe. To answer your question about going hot and cold with him, well you would have to meet him to determine how you actually feel. On line personalities are entirely different from real life.

tick

Thank you for your response, that makes sense and I'll take that into consideration. :]

Agree what tickle said.

Thank you for your response, that makes sense and I'll take that into consideration. :]

Good luck, hausisse. There are a lot of other fish in the sea. :D

good luck, hausisse. There are a lot of other fish in the sea. :D


I agree... :) Keep it fun, have a good time chatting with him, he could become a very good friend. In the meantime, try not to overly think what could be. If by next summer you still want to meet and have the chance, great.

I agree....:) Keep it fun, have a good time chatting with him, he could become a very good friend. In the meantime, try not to overly think what could be. If by next summer you still want to meet and have the chance, great.


... Does this mean we shouldn't try for a relationship at all? :| He knows I'm really confused as to how I feel about him...

...Does this mean we shouldn't try for a relationship at all? :| He knows I'm really confused as to how I feel about him...


That's for you to decide, you could and see how things go, but just a few things to think about:

Long distance relationships can be difficult because you miss out on many of the things you would normally get to do together in person. Many adults are not able to keep them going.

As a teen you are going to find many activities that you may want to participate in but are unable to, or you may not feel comfortable doing so, such as dances. You will hear your friends talking about dates they go on and you will be home with your computer.

You can certainly continue talking with him, building a good friendship, and see where it leads. You may find you are not even interested in more than being good friends with him.

Just be careful that you don't tie yourself just to him. That will keep you from being able to see other guys and learning more about what dating is like, what you like in a guy and what you don't like. No doubt he will find other girls at his school that he would like to get to know better too. It wouldn't mean he doesn't like you, just that he would like to be able to participate in dating and activities with someone too.

You said yourself that you are ignorant when it comes to relationships... if you tie yourself to someone you can't even spend time with in person, it will be more difficult to learn all that relationships involve. That is what dating is for... to get to know some different people so that you learn what it really important to you in a relationship and what isn't.

It very well may be that you are "in love" with the idea of being "in love" Hey, having someone flirt with you and showing interest always makes you feel great! He's a nice guy and you like the attention he has shown you. You may be attracted to the attention but not necessarily to him.

Who knows, you may indeed end up together at some point, or you may find you are good friends who can share the ups and downs of dating others.

Thank you very much. He made it quite clear that he would "keep an open mind if I kept an open mind" regarding seeing other people, which I certainly will. As I said, thank you so so so much for the advice, I can't put into words how much better it makes me feel that somebody else can give me a rational response to the things I'm feeling.

We're all happy to help... that's why we are here... :)

Wishing you a fun filled school year!

If your friends know him and you want to meet him, what's stopping you from going out with your friends and him?

Get a webcam ask him to get one too, then you can both see each other and get to know each other better. You'll be able to see his face and he'll be able to see yours. You'll finally find out what he looks like, if he's the person you expected him to be and if you're physically attracted to him or not.

Another thing you could try is, if you know him through a friend then I'm guess your friend has his phone number on their phone. Ask your friend to ring him and then you can talk to him through their phone, without the worry of giving up your personal details.

What ever happens, best of luck.

I will agree, web cam is a good idea, sadly many guys and gals are not who they say they are on face book and other chat sites.

Many 16 or 18 year old boys turn out to be 40 year old men getting a thrill off flirting with young girls. And many are worst.
I dated from online contacts some years ago, and 8 out of 10 were nightmares. But then I found my current wife online.

If your friends know him and you want to meet him, what's stopping you from going out with your friends and him?

He goes to a military college in South Carolina. :/ I live in Florida.


Get a webcam ask him to get one too, then you can both see each other and get to know each other better. You'll be able to see his face and he'll be able to see yours. You'll finally find out what he looks like, if he's the person you expected him to be and if you're physically attracted to him or not.

It's the... the "spark" thing I'm worried about. I felt it a lot at first, and then it kind of went away and came back and went away and came back and disappeared, and he's going through his hazing week there so he can't talk to me and I'm not feeling... anything in the way of a "spark". Just thinking/worrying about him a lot.


Another thing you could try is, if you know him through a friend then I'm guess your friend has his phone number on their phone. Ask your friend to ring him and then you can talk to him through their phone, without the worry of giving up your personal details.

What ever happens, best of luck.

I will agree, web cam is a good idea, sadly many guys and gals are not who they say they are on face book and other chat sites.

Many 16 or 18 year old boys turn out to be 40 year old men getting a thrill off of flirting with young girls. And many are worst.
I dated from online contacts some years ago, and 8 out of 10 were nightmares. But then I found my current wife online.

Nah, I'm not worried about that, one of my friends is actually his ex-girlfriend. They've met, so it's not that I'm concerned about. :)

Huuuurg I hate having to waaaait~ ahahaha.

My boyfriend- or rather, he will be my boyfriend soon- goes to the Citadel. We can't talk during the week outside of texting and Facebook, though we Skype on weekends. Sometimes I just get bored of doing the same things- looking at words and the same pictures of him. I get afraid that since I get a bored it means I'm falling out of love. It's an odd situation because he goes to a military college and all so I can't actually talk to him much, but... does anyone have any tips or pointers? :/ He hasn't gotten bored of me, but I think that's mostly because he's kept so physically and mentally busy all day and night because of the strict and regimented situation at the Citadel he's in.


Oh, and we've been talking since June, I believe.

You've answered your own question... :) HE isn't bored because he keeps so busy with other activities and interests. That would serve you well too!

Get involved in something you enjoy. Plan things with friends and family. Try something new you have always wanted to do. It will not only give you more things to talk to him about, it will help to take your mind of off the two of you being apart.

Long distance relationships can be hard at times. Keeping busy, looking forward to when you can talk, even if only online most of the time, and sharing your day to day "stuff" with him can keep you still feeling connected.

Sure you will have times where you get tired of the same routine, but that does not mean your feelings for him have necssarily changed.

You've only been talking since June. Have you met in person? Is this someone you knew before he went away for school? If you only know him from online, that can make it even more of a challenge. Any plans to meet in person?

You'll have to decide whether this is a relationship you want to pursue. Is it something you want to invest your time and energy into?

Take it slowly... give it time to develop and see where it goes. You will know before long whether there might be more to it and if it is worth the challenges, or if it was a nice relationship but you don't see it lasting long term.
In which case, you might still talk to him now and then, but you continue to see other people.

Until you meet, your only chat/text/web cam buddies who talk, and if I remember right you both have an open mind, as to seeing others. That's good so what you need is a very active and fulfilling social life in reality, where you are, besides this online FRIENDSHIP, so you don't get bored or make this online thing the only thing you look forward to.

My mother once told me long ago that being bored means you're a boring person. So have friends and activities to keep you busy, and happy.

I haven't met him in real life, but we do have plans to do so this December- that's when he gets a break. Military college and all.
I know him through friends who have met him in person, and we've talked through webcam etc. We actually had been talking previous to his showing a romantic interest in me.

But really, I do think this is a relationship I can and would like to pursue. I've had my doubts, but- I'm not afraid to commit myself to someone, especially someone who would so willingly commit myself to me and we get along so well.

It's just... I used to worry so much about whether we would work out (I'm quite the worrier) and now that I'm not worried constantly I'm afraid it means my feelings for him have changed. Granted, I haven't seen him face-to-face since last week over webcam, and I have been told that many people in LDRs become concerned that they've fallen out of love with their partners (not that I think I can call what I have with him, ony having known him for a few months, "love"). I'm just afraid of not caring, I suppose. Does not thinking about him all the time mean I care for him less? :/


You're right, Talaniman, thank you, too :)

Sorry, hadn't seen that your post was moved to a follw-up from before. Read back through them... :)

I don't believe that not thinking about him all the time means you care any less. You are probably just more comfortable with the situation now. Some of the spark of the newness has worn off, which is to be expected. It happens in every relationship. There will be times where you feel the spark of excitement again when you have talked to him, or anticipate talking to him, and there will be times where you are just humming along, doing your own thing. The point is that you reconnect once in awhile, that you do still feel that excitement now and then when you think of him.

I think you are moving along just fine. Not rushing things, not being overly committed, being aware of the unique challenges your situation holds.

Try not to overthink things... easier said than done I know... (I do the same thing! )
Continue to enjoy chatting with him, looking forward to spending time with him in person, but also continue to enjoy time spent with friends and family.

Doula, thank you SO much, that is THE most useful piece of advice I've received about this situation! It's hard, because so many people my age have such over-romanticized views of love, they think they should feel butterfies 24/7. I know that's not realistic, and I just needed to be reassured that I am indeed approaching the situation rationally. So thank you thank you thank you!!