I skip the part to how I get in the situation where I am now

2010 after fail two suicide attempts
I was diagnose with;
Bipolar disorder,Paranoia Schizophrenia

So I was forced to accepted the treatments
And that help only to gain weigh from 120 to 140

Then I spend a lot time with two therapists
And frankly they both make feel worst
I guess their shock therapy doesn't work well on me

However now I'm here in online to spend my time
Between search from the best suicide method
And post questions to explain how sorry I feel about myself

Oh yeah I try to find some hobby like draw or learn to play a guitar
But in the end my mind go back there
" how I can kill myself without make mess
and suffer for hours before die?"

Of course I'm not asking you to give me a quick painless solution
But I wondering what else I can do when everything else doesn't work?

Oh by the way I start to teach my body
To handle minor pain with self cutting etc etc

... but I wondering what else I can do when everything else doesn't work?

Acceptance.

I had a sponsor from AA who's comments to me while in some rant or another was,"Acceptance is the key"

If,with all this effort,you haven't found the release you have been looking for,why try so hard to find something that just isn't available to you?

Accepting that you have some mental illness(instead of fighting and trying to run away from the? shame? Label? diagnosis? ), I don't know your reasons,you MIGHT know them,might not too!

Fighting the medications,treatments,suggestions, all that has brought you where?To cutting?To more pain?More chaos?

How long you want to stay in this is entirely up to you,but I can tell you from experience,acceptance is the key.

Once I accepted my illness,accepted that I would be heavier than I like,moodier than I like(but by far more stable than before),that I would have to be on medications for the rest of my life... and that I needed to live with the results,good or not so good.Making the best of a difficult situation.That's when things began to click.

The doctors/therapists,etc. were no longer people I needed to see as a threat to myself destructive behaviors.I no longer had to fight the reality that I WAS IN NEED OF HELP!

Can you understand this?Is it now time for you to accept that you can either live in pain or accept life on life's terms and seek the help with a new perspective.. one that says you can willingly accept their(whoever they are) help with hope?

Up to you.

KBC

Excellent points , great post

Had to spread the rep, but right on KBC, very good answer.

While you continue to search for effective, and not too messy, suicide methods, why not, while you're on the 's's', search for saving yourself.

I don't know how old you are, but with such a history as you've had, the position you are in now, is not new to you.

Any idea why you won't accept help? Why do you see yourself as so without power over your life, that you choose not to live it?

I am certainly not going to suggest ways for you to kill yourself, nor will anyone else here. For now, I'll presume that those statements were for shock value.

So, what exactly is it that you are asking.

Do you want help, support, encouragement to turn your life around?

What makes your life so desperately unmanageable, that you seek help outside your medical circle of professionals.

Are you more sarcastic and say what you have to sort of break the ice?

What you say is not funny. Or helpful. Or indicative of someone seeking assistance.

If you are on your medication now, and continuing with your medical care, me and many others would be happy to offer some help.

So, what's the story. Why are you really here.