My mom, brother, sister and I all lived in London for 7 years and after the break down of my mom's marriage to my step father we are all now residing in New Mexico. I am 23 and because of my step father's controlling behaviors towards myself, my mom and family, I moved out when I was 17. There were hard times but eventually I made something of myself as an underwriter and was earning good dosh. After the breakdown of my own relationship with my ex-partner, it was abusive; she asked me if she was to get a divorce, if I’d move with the family to America as the marriage was progressively getting worse. I didn't want to be by myself in a country and wanted to be closer to family so we agreed and a few months later left.

Moving back to the States was difficult, re-adjusting to a country, getting a new job, learning to drive – train and tube transport in London is frequent, quick and cheaper than driving. While we were in London, mom never helped me financially because I never asked her to. I did move back in last November to save up for the move to America - equivalent $1000 and I was still paying rent every month accordingly. I've never missed rent payments with my mom and have always done more than my fair share of chores around the house.

We discussed the move in detail.. So here's my dilemma. We've been living here for a little over 4 months and although my mother and I had a good relationship, I am starting to see it was only when we weren’t living together. It’s now getting to the point I would like to cut ties with her. She needs me as much as I need her – I plan on going back to College when I'm a resident and she can't afford her lease to buy until it's turned into a mortgage in 2 to 3 years from now. Credit scores don't follow you from another country.

She's also completely gone back on everything we’ve agreed. She promised to help me get on my feet so I could start earning a good wage to help out with the house but she ended up taking the van that was originally supposed to be mine because she didn't want to get another car. It's very difficult to get a job without a car so I was doing night work in bars and restaurants within walking distance, it’s only recently she’s bought a really crap second hand car that’s costing us more money in repairs than the actual selling price of the car because she didn’t check it out, she just handed over the money. The deposit on our house was $15,000 for the agreement, so if we don't get the mortgage, we lose that. And this was out of the settlement she got of $50,000 from her divorce. She spent the rest of it within 2 to 3 months.

My frustration comes because she's given me bare minimal help and she's stressed at me all the time that she has no money left over from her settlement, her new job and that I contribute under what I should be. I’ve only been able to drive a month ago and I started last Monday in Administrative $10 an hour - full time, and she's threatening to take a huge chunk of my pay because I've been unable to financially contribute enough from what I’ve earned previously, every time I've had a pay check or tips in some form, she’s taken a big portion of it when I was working in bars and restaurants previously before getting this office position.

When we make agreements, she constantly breaks them at last minute. I am a responsible person, I am fair.. I want to help her but she bleeds me dry and changes the rules to fit her ideals, I need to get new work clothes, my own car, etc. I have no problem paying rent or catching up but it's getting ridiculous how much she expects from me. I try to talk to her and ask her questions but she never answers with a logical reply, it results in her telling me to 'shut the f*** up’ and she retreats, runs to her room or leaves the house for a while and she won’t talk when she comes back.

My brother and sister don't get any stick from her, she's good to them but she treats me like a lodger that broke into the house. I don't know how to get through and I give up trying. I could move out in the next few months and get a place of my own but I know she'll default on the house payments if I do this. I’m not spiteful but I can't find a way to live with her peacefully or on some kind of frame, I need structure.. I need to know what's going on financially so I can contribute to the house and use whatever is left over for myself.. I’ve been on the bare minimum; I cannot afford most items of essentials, let alone luxuries.

It seems like her needs are priority. I’m very resourceful, I can live on very little but I’ve been living like this for too long now and she’s so wasteful with her money, I’m tired of seeing what I do give her go to nothing of substance. And I know because I don’t ask for much, she might not think I need much but when I do ask her for help, she throws it in my face. IE: the headlight on my car went out, she won’t let me use the other one and I didn’t have any money at the time, she didn’t care if it was dangerous to drive at night with 1 headlight when I was coming home from night shifts.

She lost $948 dollars in wages to go to California, with my brother and sister to meet up with Peter, my step father and apparently they’ve been shallowly talking about him moving from London to move in with us. Apparently he’s treated her ‘like s***’ the last 7 years (her words), he’s treated my brother and sister horribly and she wants him to move in again? My brother and sister asked if he does move in, they want to live with me because they know I’ll be out that door so fast. It’s completely ridiculous.

Well, for now I’m going to go through an income and expenditure form with her when she digs out all the bills for the household so I can have a set amount of money to pay each month and make arrangements to pay back the funds she thinks I owe her from when she was saying I didn’t contribute enough.. I don’t think we’ll ever be the same again. I’m pissed off. Massively.

This may look like venting, but I actually do need advice.

Thanks.

Finances friends and family usually do not mix well as in your case.

I see where you have little choice to ensure your survival with some semblance of fairness is to demand a written agreement on how the expenses are to be divided.

That way everybody will know what the monthly expenses are for each individual so you can budget and plan for the future.

If she refuses or fails to abide by the agreement you may have no choice but to move out on your own.
Thia may be hard but so is being "milked" by her being unfair and changing the rules as she goes.

I wish you well

I really don't see how you own any extra back monies. She continuously reneges on your deals. You also do not have to give her your check nor can she demand that you do. If she wants him to move back in I say that you tell her to have fun and leave now. Let him worry about supporting her. You should be on nothing less than a 50/50 split unless your deal is/was otherwise. You should never pay more than 50% in this kind of situation.
I hope this gets better for you. Stand up for and take care of yourself and go buy yourself something nice.

Thank you for the words of advice. I've spoken with her since and we still haven't come to any logical conclusions. So I’ve decided I'm going to back track on all the bills as we’ve agreed from the start, but I'm only paying a quarter and I'm contributing to this fraction of the bills that fall due thereafter. It's fair that as I am 1 of 4 people in the house. I'm still going to pay 100% of what is mine, IE: car insurance, mobile, etc. I've run through the income & expenditure form with her - she's still not happy with the outcome. But it's a large monthly payment of rent on my behalf to put forward. And I’m not going over this amount.

Also in regards to my step father, she has decided that he is not going to move here, but I still told her it was disrespectful to have a conversation with him in the first place. Not just to us, but to her. I am in no way attempting to control my mom’s love interests but when he’s physically thrown my brother around and emotionally abused everyone in the house.. I strongly believe my brother, sister and I are entitled to our opinions.

I sincerely hope once everything's up to date we can live without arguments and we get the mortgage on this house in 2 to 3 years from now so I can move out. I don’t want to rely on help from my mother. Grandpa let all of us stay rent free until she found a house; she had $50,000 in her account back then. Adding up the current figures, the price of our mother / daughter relationship is worth a little more than $1,150 to her. This is for the last 2 months. I’ve never been in a position like this with her and its totally soul destroying.

It sounds like things are going from bad to worse, and there is certainly no meeting of the minds between you and your mother as to who is short changing whom. Very complicated.

I want to say first, that I admire you for having the strength to leave home, and stay clear of the abuse. You were six years on your own, and sound very responsible to me. I doubt that you are very far off base as to your being very fair finanically and otherwise to your mother.

You are only 23, but have taken on a huge chunk of responsibility in investing so much money into buying the house. I don't understand why you would lose your share if the purchase didn't come through- is this a rent to own sort of situation? Are you certain of the legal fine print with regard to what happens to the $15,000? Is your name on any document that protects your part of this investment?

Is the money issue the only issue that keeps you there?

I get the impression that you continuously give in to your mother. If the two of you are essentially business partners with all these expenses, and she insists that you aren't paying 1/2, then the first thing I would do, is establish an agreement. In writing.

List the household expenses as has already been suggested, and stick to them. If she comes up short, or needs extra cash for something, stick to your guns and say no, you cannot afford to help her out. I am not convinced from what you have said, that she would ever be happy with such an arrangement. It seems she expects you to contribute, then contribute until she is happy you have contributed enough, and even then she is unhappy.

I do not see this situation as sustainable.

If you can see your way clear to break the arrangement, recover some of your initial investment (totally in the dark here not knowing those details), and move, that might be a good thing to consider. If you have already managed on your own for six years, you know you can do it again.

If what keeps you there is an obligation, or sense of obligation to keep bailing out your mother, perhaps it is time to weigh that with a little common sense and a cold hard look at whether it it worth it to stay. It sounds as though you have to work far too hard at keeping a grown woman on track.

As much as you have presented your predicament in very well written form, there is some detail missing.

Specifically pros and cons. How do you see staying, vs. leaving. What have you to gain, and what have you to lose, and when you weigh the consequences of each, what do you see as the best decision, based only on your needs.