Hi All,

Have been reading this forum for a while, trying to get some clear answers regarding my situation, but somehow I never could relate to anyone's situation.

I had been with my ex for almost 7 years, she's almost 30 and I'm almost 29. We had met in a bar I used to work. I used to really like her best friend and wanted to out with her but she never looked interested in me so I never asked her out. On the other hand my ex always showed interested in me and eventually we hooked up weeks later. She was pretty even though slightly overweight, but it never bothered me because I really like her anyway and she had such a great and charming character.

I spent many months happy with her but somehow I started feeling less attracted to her as time passed by, and at around 2 years I decided to end the relationship. I thought of telling her while we were washing my car at her place. It was a big mistake, she took it really badly and started hitting the garage doors and getting VERY emotional, telling me that I just threw away 2 years of her life and so on (It was only the second time I ever tried to break up with someone). I couldn't deal with it so eventually told her that we still give it a go.

Unfortunately this feeling never left my mind and every now and then, more often than not, doubts start crawling in, and I have times where I don't find her attractive (and feel so sad, angry and unhappy) and others where I really do and I feel great.

I noticed that she looks gorgeous when she dolls herself up, but not as much without the makeup.

We had been together for almost 7 years and she is the most loving and caring person you'd ever know (together with all her family), and I'm not just saying it. I also treat her very well and we hardly have any arguments and she loves me to bits. I really believe were she more attractive I would have definitely marry her and have kids. Unfortunately, a few months before our breakup she was pressuring me into getting married. I tried to postpone and shrug the topic until recently I felt it was getting into me and started feeling suffocated and pressured. I was also being told by my family about her biological clock and that it was ticking.

Anyway, about three weeks ago I started having doubts again like I occasionally do, but this time it was worse. I knew that time was ticking and that I have to eventually make a move. But every time I was trying to picture myself with her for the rest of my life was killing me. On the other hand I knew that I could not find a more loving and caring person like her, the kind you know she will never cheat on you.

I spent two weeks thinking constantly. I was not sleeping, eating and smoking like hell. I was a wreck. I decided to stay then I say that I cant, over and over again. Eventually I decided I had to break it up with her, and I devastated her. I know, I feel I killed a part of her. She did not deserve this.

Long story short, or at least I try. I left her a week ago and I feel worse. She's a mess and I don't know what to do.

Please help ;(

This is going to be a mess for her for a long time, after all 7 years is a long time. However the moral of the story for rest of us is that, when you know you have to break up, just do it, postponing will only make it worse, and worse yet, begging someone to come back to a relationship(like your ex did) will ensure that doubts linger in the minds of the dumper.
For you, the best thing is to cut off all contact, you want to comfort her by leaving the channels of the communication open, however, in her mind, this would create false hope of you someday changing your mind. It is going to be a devastating period for her. Why did you wait for 7 years? Much of the blame is on you for this one for not communicating your thoughts with her much earlier.

You stay out of her life. You should have left her after 2 years. Not stayes for an extra 5!

You should have left her then even if she was angry. Look how hurt she is now... Let this be a lesson for next time.

Now what you need to do is No Contact. You need to let her move on with her life and find someone who thinks she is beautiful.

I really don't understand how you could stay with her for 5 years when you wernt attracted to her and knew you had no future...

But anyway I hope you handle it better if this ever happens again

This whole thing started with your "ex"
You wanted someone else & still do.

"I spent many months happy with her"
In seven years?

"I started having doubts again like i occasionally do"
Did you hear that one?

"She was pretty even though slightly overweight"
"I noticed that she looks gorgeous when she dolls herself up, but not as much without the makeup.
How gross....

Forgive her for getting with someone that is always looking.

Letting her go is the best thing you can do for both of you.

Treat others as you wish to be treated.

Whats the question again?

"I really believe were she more attractive...

Well... you don't stay in her life because you feel guilty about time spent.

Most people in long term relationships, at some point, fall out of love with the other... or, at least they fall "less in love" with the other?

It happens.

I'm not going to tell you what you need and want. That's your decision.

But you don't get to stay around because it makes you feel less guilty.

Physical attraction is not all there is to any relationship. And, that said, we get So Many posts about one lover who just isn't attracted or interested in the other.

All the time.

If you aren't willing to chase your lover, and she isn't willing to chase you... well... I think its time to call it done.

She deserves to be wanted and chased. You aren't going to do that.

I mean... I'm all for no holds barred. No pretense. I just love straight up talk. I love to know where I stand... not what the other person thinks I want to hear. I like reality. A lot.

So... I'm glad you came here to try to work this out.

Unless you have the balls to talk to her face to face about your wants and needs... and I mean really... you say how you feel... you have no chance together.

So be done. Or step up.

Meaning id rather have an honest lover tell me "i need to be done" than to have one lead me on year after year after year.

It might be ugly. Fine. Breakups usually are. At least for one person. Sometimes both.

But... again... when given a choice between believing a lie and knowing the truth... well... I find there is a lot of healing in knowing the truth... as ugly as it can be.

"id rather have an honest lover tell me "I need to be done" than to have one lead me on year after year after year.
"

Yup.

Well you got what you wanted, your freedom. About time you came clean and got honest with yourself.

Healing for you both will take a long time, so I hope you leave each other alone.

Yeah you hurt her... but face it you knew you didn't want to be with her years ago and you let it go on... she is lacking something you obviously need to make it work... and the others are right you should have done this way back at the 2 year mark... let her go so she can move on... and you do the same... future bit of advice don't stay with someone out of pity because you feel bad.. you WILL hurt them eventually

Are you Brad Pitt? I doubt it. Looks aren't the only thing that matters? Hope she finds someone else.

Me too. Let her go. She deserves better.

I heard this saying once and I feel theres something in it.
"If you can't love the one you want love the one youre with"

Obviously for 7 years there was something about this woman you wanted and liked, or did you consider her a charity shag?

You too arent perfect no one is, we all have flaws and foibles and most of us see beyond them, and its not the outward appearance of beauty that matters its the inner beauty a person has.

So now youve ended the relationship invalidated the last 7 years for this woman, and you are feeling bad about it, well I usually make a point of not passing judgement on others however in this instance I have to say, you deserve to feel bad youve led this woman on for 7 years, knowing you didnt view her as potential wife or mother material, youve shattered her illusions, and broken her dreams, and if you feel bad about that then so be it, you are the only person responsible for you and your life, we cannot go around using other people until what we really want comes along, she had what you wanted for 7 years. Whether you agree with that or not. Maybe you have finally come clean, but had you done this years ago you couldve both been in a better place now,

It doesnt say much about you as a person if looks mean more than personality.

I hope you find what youre looking for, eye candy, but also be aware the better looking a person is the more shallow theyre likely to be, I just hope that after finding that you can't attract the kind of person you want you dont decide to go back to this woman, and disrupt her life again after shes moved on.

You don't have to feel good about hurting her, but you should feel like it's the right thing to do when you aren't right for her and/or she isn't right for you.

She will move on without you. It might hurt like hell. Might take a lot of energy. Might be a long road. Been there done that.

But knowing you have serious doubts... its just better to cut the ties and know that if you stayed together, you'd just put off the inevitable.

There are times, I believe, when a relationship has run its course, that one person will find whatever reason is available to break it off. Some relationships are meant for a time, not all time. You've hit the wall, and you've found your justification for leaving.

We don't have to like it. But id much rather have you step up and walk away when the "loving feeling" is gone.

Gone.

Gone.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

First time in 5K+ posts I get to reference hall and oates.

Sweet. Cross that off the bucket list.

Don't forget the Righteous Brothers. Respect due.

Leaving a woman because she isn't attractive... how noble. Take a good look in the mirror and you will see a guy who thinks "he's all that". In the words of the great Joe Tex, "if you think no other man wants her, just throw her away and you will see. Some man will have her before you can count 1 2 3." The song is , You Had Better Hold On To What You've Got. Good luck Casanova

Like the Mighty Diamonds version of that one.
Reggae one.

Sorry. I better stop. There's so many.

Dont forget the Righteous Brothers. Respect due.

Soundly corrected.

soundly corrected.

The one that fits the OP is "You're SO Vain":mad:

Hello,

I think that you should let her go once and for all. Stop vacillating over this and make up your mind! You are toying with her and it's clear she deserves a man who will love her unconditionally for who she is and what she looks like.

From what you tell me she sounds like a sweet heart! Warm, caring, understanding, compassionate, all the qualities I would want in a man, even if he was only average... To me, yes, I want to have a spark, but it's all in how I am treated.

Let me ask you this, say you are with that blonde, big breasted, nice legs, nice a$$, just a hottie, but doesn't treat you the same way this girl did, and one day hottie is in an unfortunate car accident which has left her face/body deformed? Then what? You will move on?

Hey, I'm not here to judge you, and it's quite obvious that you genuinely care, or else you wouldn't be asking. So welcome to our world and keep asking, as we will try to help you.

Just remember though, looks WILL fade, then what's left? A person who cares deeply for you, who would kill for you, would die for! Would bare YOUR children, love you in sickness and in health, through the good times and the bad. Who will think you are the cats meow! Who will think that you are still the most beautiful person in the world. Who will think you look your best even at your worst. Who won't care what your paycheck looks like. Who will make a great daughter in law. Who will love you for YOU!

Think about it!

Hello,

I think that you should let her go once and for all. Stop vacillating over this and make up your mind! You are toying with her and and it's clear she deserves a man who will love her unconditionally for who she is and what she looks like.

From what you tell me she sounds like a sweet heart! Warm, caring, understanding, compassionate, all the qualities I would want in a man, even if he was only average.... To me, yes, I want to have a spark, but it's all in how I am treated.

Let me ask you this, say you are with that blonde, big breasted, nice legs, nice a$$, just a hottie, but doesn't treat you the same way this girl did, and one day hottie is in an unfortunate car accident which has left her face/body deformed?? Then what? You will move on?

Hey, I'm not here to judge you, and it's quite obvious that you genuinely care, or else you wouldn't be asking. So welcome to our world and keep asking, as we will try to help you.

Just remember though, looks WILL fade, then what's left? A person who cares deeply for you, who would kill for you, would die for! Would bare YOUR children, love you in sickness and in health, through the good times and the bad. Who will think you are the cats meow! Who will think that you are still the most beautiful person in the world. Who will think you look your best even at your worst. Who wont care what your paycheck looks like. Who will make a great daughter in law. Who will love you for YOU!

Think about it!

Unless he's a millionaire he won't be able to get a hottie. Not with his attitude.

mixed bag on this side.

one of the sexiest women I know isn't one whom id call stunningly beautiful physically... but she just has It. The right mix and combo for me. Confident. Naughty. Laughs a lot. And somewhat physically attractive to me... but taken in whole, she's my kind of girl, even tho' we won't date.

but really.

I just don't buy into the "looks mean nothing" angle. Yes. Beauty fades. Or changes. Or gets redefined.

but I can tell you I'm hard wired for certain things physically. I may not need them, or need them all, but they are hot buttons.

I'm glad the OP'er is stepping back. He needs to. She needs him to.

I'm not going to call him a complete pig. People fall out of love for a number of reasons. Chances are, there's more to the story than what he said.

how many young girls date guys because they are "hot"? There are two in my work area dating guys mostly because they are attractive and outgoing. They are not seeking out the out of shape introvert... is that wrong?

they are deliberately filtering out other men who aren't as hot.

doesn't matter if it's a male or female... we get so many posts here about that spark being gone. The desire being lost. In this case, he can state that its tied to her looks.

maybe he was never all that attracted in the first place, but the newness of the relationship compensated for that lack of overlap. Oops happens.

I've yet to date any woman who went out into the world most days without some primping and preening, even when I thought that early morning bed head was sexy as sin when looking at me in the early morning light.

if you don't want to be measured by attractiveness, then stop it. Don't be a victim by not playing the game. You go first. No?

that's of course a bit of nonsense. We all play the game. We all look to impress others and to boost our confidence by our physical appearance.

why be ashamed of it?

sexual attraction is one of many ways I expect to be measured. And I'm OK with that.

I don't want anyone to stay with be because of that one thing, but I also am willing to accept the "i just dont have that spark for you" angle... I've had one Big Love use that against me... and in the end... it was a lot easier to just accept that.

I hadn't changed. If anything, I was more fit and in better shape, making more money. She wanted something new and different. Our time had passed. Fine. Its OK. There was enough overlap in enough areas to get things rolling... but after two years... some of that overlap wasn't enough for her to stave of the restlessness.

today, I'm thrilled we had that talk. Grateful for her awareness of the situation. Yeah... sucked at the time and I had some self doubts, but I survived.

Unless he's a millionaire he won't be able to get a hottie. Not with his attitude.

Translated: hot women only put up with arses if they have coin?

I'm not looking for a fight. Just my usual back and forth. I see inconsistencies on both sides of this issue and I also know more than a few who chase the latest shiny toy, both male and female.

Glad the OP'er came here. It wouldn't be an issue, as was mentioned, if he didn't have some feelings for her well being. Or maybe its guilt. Or both.

Tired. Night all. To be continued, I'm sure.

Please donot contact her just because you feel bad. The ultimate cruelty would be if you continued the relationship because you feel pain. Breaking up with her was the right thing to do, although belated.
Why don't you try working on yourself, sound confused about what you want in a woman.

Good one.

"glad the OP'er came here."

Hope he listens.

mixed bag on this side.

one of the sexiest women i know isnt one whom id call stunningly beautiful physically... but she just has It. the right mix and combo for me. confident. naughty. laughs a lot. and somewhat physically attractive to me... but taken in whole, she's my kind of girl, even tho' we wont date.

but really.

i just dont buy into the "looks mean nothing" angle. yes. beauty fades. or changes. or gets redefined.

but i can tell you im hard wired for certain things physically. i may not need them, or need them all, but they are hot buttons.

im glad the OP'er is stepping back. he needs to. she needs him to.

im not going to call him a complete pig. people fall out of love for a number of reasons. chances are, theres more to the story than what he said.

how many young girls date guys because they are "hot"? there are two in my work area dating guys mostly because they are attractive and outgoing. they are not seeking out the out of shape introvert... is that wrong?

they are deliberately filtering out other men who arent as hot.

doesnt matter if its a male or female... we get so many posts here about that spark being gone. the desire being lost. in this case, he can state that its tied to her looks.

maybe he was never all that attracted in the first place, but the newness of the relationship compensated for that lack of overlap. oops happens.

ive yet to date any woman who went out into the world most days without some primping and preening, even when i thought that early morning bed head was sexy as sin when looking at me in the early morning light.

if you dont want to be measured by attractiveness, then stop it. dont be a victim by not playing the game. you go first. no?

thats of course a bit of nonsense. we all play the game. we all look to impress others and to boost our confidence by our physical appearance.

why be ashamed of it?

sexual attraction is one of many ways i expect to be measured. and im ok with that.

i dont want anyone to stay with be because of that one thing, but i also am willing to accept the "i just dont have that spark for you" angle... ive had one Big Love use that against me... and in the end... it was a lot easier to just accept that.

i hadnt changed. if anything, i was more fit and in better shape, making more money. she wanted something new and different. our time had passed. fine. its ok. there was enough overlap in enough areas to get things rolling... but after two years... some of that overlap wasnt enough for her to stave of the restlessness.

today, im thrilled we had that talk. grateful for her awareness of the situation. yeah... sucked at the time and i had some self doubts, but i survived.

I see where you are coming from and you make many valid points.

Let me ask you this. Let's say you are with a woman who is a compassionate, loving, caring, and confident woman. A person you could see yourself with for the rest of your life, however, she is average looking. Would that really matter?

I understand that we all want to impress and to be impressed.

I met my exhusband 9 years ago. He used to work for me. When I first met him, I was not attracted to him, at all. I'm not saying he was ugly, just no attraction on my end. During the time of working with him, I found that he was a very confident and intelligent man. Which I find very sexy. He also was very witty and funny. He would always make me laugh and smile. After a year of getting to know him and working with him, I fell in love with him. He became the sexiest man to me.

So I know that people pull that" looks mean nothing"... But are they everything?

Don't get me wrong, KP, you as well as I and most want that sex appeal.

I think the biggest thing for me here with his situation is that he keeps going back and forth and back and forth. He is confused, yes. I don't ridicule him for not being attracted to her. It is what it is. It's the vacillating back and forth that I think is confusing her.

Who is this about, again?

Let me ask you this. Let's say you are with a woman who is a compassionate, loving, caring, and confident woman. A person you could see yourself with for the rest of your life, however, she is average looking. Would that really matter?

Nope.

I know how I'm wired.

I know, for ex, that I'm naturally wired to want to please. Comes from my childhood. A very long history of focusing on others.

My last lover was smoking hot. Married to her for ten years. Together 12. How many times did I hear "you are a lucky man" from other men? Many.

She is very smart. Funny. Naughty. My kind of humor. And stunning. Just not faithful. Over and over.

Most of my marriage, she was unhappy. I just don't think she's wired to be with one man. Too many affairs and distractions. We are great friends and lousy spouses.

So... the breaking point here wasn't that she wasn't pretty enough. She was unhappy. Always upset. And that rocked my boat too much. I like give and take. I like straight up talk without pretense. And I seem to like women who are just on the edge of wanting a relationship, but maybe not ready. Seems to be a theme.

But... ask me right now who I'm most attracted to? It's a woman in the hospital I work with. Few would call her a stunning beauty. Don't care. For me... I know what trips my triggers... and yes, there are some "preset defaults" perhaps... but what makes me attracted to a mate is much less about classic beauty and so much more about interaction. I want connection. On several levels.

That said... I don't intend to impose my standards on anyone else.

If the OP'er wants to "upgrade"... k... fine.

He posted because he isn't happy about hurting her and wants to know what's best next. I believe that it's a struggle for him. I know its painful for her.

Sometimes you have to say "bad timing" or "bad match" and just leave it at that.

Some failed relationships are just that... over and done.

I believe its quite possible that he thinks she is a good woman worth loving, but he isn't there anymore, and the physical attraction cannot compensate for what isn't there between them.

Who is this about, again?

The OP'er and the general topic at hand.

I'm OK with discussion about relationships and what drives men and women. It still is within the context of this thread, right?

Sure. Absolutely. Hehehhe.

We say whatever helps here. Right?

My ex was no longer attracted to me either. I hung on.
Whoops. I wasn't hot enough.

Hes made it clear. He wants someone else. Or at least not her.

Hes not concerned too much with what's underneath even though has felt the benefits. Lazy or now needs something fresh. That's for him to dig on.

Who's hot?

I've said it too many times... I should be getting royalties... I love chapmans Five Love Languages.

There are other versions of this idea out there... but he writes that couples show commitment through five basic dialects...

Physical touch
Acts of service
Words of affirmation
Quality time
Gifts

Now, if a relationship has weaknesses... its often through more than one area... but attributed to one. One area is chosen as The Problem. But often its an overall weakness throughout more areas.

I look at this thread the way I look at the threads when a woman says "my man cannot get hard and is having performance issues. why isnt he attracted to me anymore"

It isn't that simple. I can list one thing that can lead to ED or I can list a dozen things that, in summation, can lead to ED.

So...

I'm saying it poorly... its my superpower... but if a lack of physical interest is the reason he is leaving... I guess I'm saying there is weakness in the other areas as well that cannot compensate for his dissatisfaction in this one area.

Or maybe he just isn't ready. Or maybe he is a jerk. Its all possible. I'm open to all of these, not just one.

I generally like occam's razor.

But when it comes to relationships and dissatisfaction... I don't think the simple or stated answer is often the real problem...

I guess we will just have to wait and see what he has to say when he returns... Which I hope he does.

I hope I did not offend anyone, my attention was grabbed, I took the opportunity.

"but when it comes to relationships and dissatisfaction... i dont think the simple or stated answer is often the real problem...

"its often through more than one area... "

I agree.

I hope that the OP reads this & has the volition.
Soak it in ezio.

Hmmmm... the OP'er hasn't been back since the day of the original post.

I might be stepping back from this one until he is willing to shed some light on the subject.

Like a good discussion with diff angles. Love devils advocate. But the OP'er needs to put out more now for me to be interested in spending time here.



I hope I did not offend anyone, my attention was grabbed, I took the opportunity.

Don't waste one minute worrying about this. I'm the biggest loudmouth most of the time so I buy first round.

Ezio, you mention many times how much she loves you, and how loving she is, but on the other hand you only say you really like her. After 7 years only really liking her doesn't sound enough. I think you fell more 'in friendship' than in love with her.

I wish you had come here 5 years ago, when you ended it the first time. Maybe people could have helped you save yourself and the lady a lot more pain. Still, you can't undo what's done you can only move on and leave the lady alone so she can do the same.

You can't take back time, but it takes two.

I would hope that she knows by now how repulsed you are.

Denial all around. Time to fess up.

repulsed

Really?

Maybe I just don't get it.

There is a big gap for me between "im not attracted" and "you repulse me"

Giving up on this thread. Too much tension and I've said my peace ad nauseum.

All the judgements aside... we've mostly agreed on "stay away from her"...

Good luck bud. Outtie.

"She was pretty even though slightly overweight"

"she looks gorgeous when she dolls herself up, but not as much without the makeup"

"But everytime i was trying to picture myself with her for the rest of my life was killing me."

"I really believe were she more attractive i would have definitely marry her and have kids."


You're right, maybe repulsed is too strong...
Sorry. I mean no longer physically, emotionally or otherwise. Im going green here.

Bottom line, you made the decision, now on with your life.

Hi all and thanks for your posts. The only reason I have not answered before is because I was on a weekend boat trip for my brother's bachelor's party.

I do understand and expected some of the posts, and I will try to answer them as best as I can.

First of all I agree that much of the blame is on me. As for not communicating my thoughts with her much earlier, it is not really correct. I did try to break off the relationship earlier. I had told her that I felt that I wasn't happy with her and that I wanted to break up, but I could not tell her in her face that the reason was that she wasn't pretty enough. Surely you can understand this.

I also like to elaborate a bit on this. True, looks are not everything, but truth be told, I am a handsome and good looking man, and I'd like to be with an attractive female. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. In our country we have a saying, literal conversion "The first thing to feast is the eyes". I obviously did find my ex attractive and charming or else I wouldn't have decided to go out with her, but it's also true that after a year or so, I started sleeping at her place I noticed that she looked less attractive without her makeup on. So that's fair? I never put makeup on, never hid my imperfections. Most of you called me shallow. But it's not fair to doll yourself up to lure someone in, only to be looking different once you get out of the shower.

So what had happened. I had developed strong feelings for this girl before I realized that her natural looks were not what she showed me throughout the first year and a half. So I was
torn in the middle. I felt I was cheated, Wouldn't you?

So I decided eventually to stay in the relationship, gave her everything she needed, give it a go, but somehow, the thought lingered through my mind every now and then. In the meantime I had several advances by better looking girls but always refused them and in fact I have never acted on them or cheated on my ex.

Sometimes I felt torn inside. Isn't it normal to go looking for the best possible "package". It's like buying a car for an X amount of money only to eventually find that the body had been fixed to survive a couple of years only to make you buy the car. How would you feel?

I would gladly choose a charming girl without the looks, but being honest with her looks. It would have been my decision from the beginning and could have accepted it.

True, I stayed for another 5 years, but they weren't 5 years of hell, far from it. I really had great times with her, I don't know how to put it, but in fact I did and still do love her. I've always treated her like a princess, always caressed her hands and face, I loved kissing her passionately, alone with her or with friends, I loved going abroad with her, I always enjoyed and looked forward for sex. Of course there where times where I saw myself married to her with kids. I never said that I QUOTE: "didnt view her as potential wife or mother material" or "go around using other people until what we really want comes along". Did I say that I had found someone else? No. In fact I don't have anyone else and I do feel so lonely, sad and alone.

"I hope you find what youre looking for, eye candy, but also be aware the better looking a person is the more shallow theyre likely to be"?? It seems to me that you have some personal issues and you just can't generalize. I know quite a few good looking people myself and they are no different than less attractive people.

"if you think no other man wants her, just throw her away and you will see. Some man will have her before you can count 1 2 3." Again, where have I said that? In fact it's the total contrary.

"Let me ask you this, say you are with that blonde, big breasted, nice legs, nice a$$, just a hottie, but doesn't treat you the same way this girl did, and one day hottie is in an unfortunate car accident which has left her face/body deformed?? Then what? You will move on?" But who ever said that I want to be with just a hottie who doesn't treat me well? Are you possibly saying that all good looking girls are so evil or treat their BF badly? And BTW, I am not looking for the kind of hottie you're assuming i.e.. Dresses up like a hooker. On the contrary, they actually repel me. All I'm saying is that I would like an honest, down to earth person who is honest with her appearance.

"Please donot contact her just because you feel bad. The ultimate cruelty would be if you continued the relationship because you feel pain. Breaking up with her was the right thing to do, although belated.
Why don't you try working on yourself, sound confused about what you want in a woman." I agree. I admit it was belated, but try to understand that its not like I didn't love the girl. How could I not love her? But was it enough to get married to her? I never, ever found out 100% and still don't know even though I left her.

This is the best and worse decision of my life. I don't know if you can understand me. I still love her very much and it was so hard for me. But our relationship was only going to get worse, I felt it. I didn't want us to get married or have kids while I was still feeling confused.It is because of this I have decided to take this step, because the situation I got myself into had become unbearable. I just couldn't decide in the end.

Do you think that I was happy about this decision? Do you think I haven't thought it through?

Can you realize that I can't stop thinking about her, that I don't know that I can lose her forever? The fact of even thinking about her with someone else destroys me.

But deep down I know this is the right decision, painful as it is and scared as I am. I couldn't drag her deeper into this. But I am ready to work at it to come out a better man, and when I manage to come with clear thoughts I may face her without shame.

I only hope that I can come to a decision before it is too late. But I have to risk it or else I will never be happy, because at the moment I don't. I miss her so much and can't stop thinking about her. I haven't slept well for weeks now and I just can't take it anymore.

Btw. I did tell her not to contact me anymore and told her that it was a break up, even tough I never wanted to but I couldn't make her wait for me. Try to understand that she could be the ONE. I'm just not sure, so I thought of breaking up with her to try to clear my head even if I risk losing the most precious thing of my entire life.

I'm so tired, it's 3 am and I just hope I could get some sleep now. I tried to make myself clear as much as possible, but writing down my feelings is no easy feat. I also tried to be so brutally honest, something which I feel I rarely see in other OP's.

Love and goodnight all.

If you love and miss her , why not
Stay with her. Your thread was titled "I don't find my girlfriend attractive anymore, but I love her''
That's why the comments ,well that's why I answered the way I did.

She will move on and you will probably regret it for the rest of your life. I hope not. I hope you can work things out. You need to change.

Hello Ezio,

Thank you for responding again. We thought we lost you and got caught up in all of this, in case you haven't noticed. Lol

I am glad that you have been so open and honest with all of us and realize that none of us are here to judge or attack you.

It is clear that you have much love and passion for this woman... Unfortunately, this is a decision that you and you alone have to make.

On one hand you love her very much and on the other you believe that she hasn't been true about her looks. So... now that you know what she really looks like, is this something you can live with? Are you willing to set aside the looks and be with her?

Because if not, then you have your answer and you should let her go... As much as you don't want to. The last thing you want to do is to go back to her and then 2 months later realize, "Hey, I'm just not attracted to you." Then you will cause her more hurt and pain.

Also, you told her that you don't want her to contact you, so you really need to think about this, so you don't come across as someone who says one thing and does another. That my friend, will get old for her, and eventually she will not want any part of you any longer.

What ever you decide to do, I will hope the best for you.

Good Luck.

.

Most of you called me shallow. But it's not fair to doll yourself up to lure someone in, only to be looking different once you get out of the shower.

So what had happened. I had developed strong feelings for this girl before i realized that her natural looks were not what she showed me throughout the first year and a half. So i was
torn in the middle. I felt i was cheated, Wouldn't you?


I think you'll find a lot of girls wear make up. NOT to lure guys. But to make them self feel pretty. You talk like she has done wrong by you, by wearing makeup. I understand that you found her unnatractive with out make up and that's fine, but I don't like how you were saying you felt cheated. She can't have been that ugly without make up, It doesn't work complete wonders.

If you don't find her attractive fine that's your problem don't go blaming her saying she shouldn't have worn make up. If she hadn't of worn make up then you wouldn't have noticed her and you would not have know this great girl the past 7 years. Make up or no make up she can't help how she looks.

The fact that you feel so strongly that she willingly duped you because she wore make-up makes me wonder what that is about.

Females wearing make-up is so common in most cultures, unless it's a rarity where you live?

I remember a conversation years ago, where a friend of my husband was saying how much he disliked women 'painting themselves up' and how he thought I looked so much nicer as I didn't wear make-up. Made me and hubby chuckle as I was wearing some at the time! Granted it was subtle but most ladies use a little at least now and again. Hubby doesn't feel duped, he thinks it nice that I make the effort to make the best of myself. He doesn't wear make-up but he shaves, has his hair done, wears clothes that flatter his build. Is that so different? I'm glad he's not a slob.

So I really am wondering what is behind this very strong feeling you seem to have that this lady did something wrong by wearing make-up. Did anything ever happen in your past that makes you think women use their looks to decieve men?

If I were with you and you didn't want me to wear make up, I would leave the house looking like Tammy Fay Baker. You're not her Dad or her husband or her master. Grow up.

Btw. I did tell her not to contact me anymore and told her that it was a break up.

That's all you need to know.

Time to find your "ideal"

How long did it take you before you saw this woman without make up? I think this whole tale is pathetic.
I love her but she is not attractive. I stayed with her, lied to her, held on to her (because some of it was fun) for 7 years but I'm not attracted to her. She lied to me by wearing make up. What a crock of s**t. How selfish!
Have you found a lady who looks good that you are now attracted to?
Leave this woman alone, you have done enough damage in her life, no point in further damaging it with this disgusting truth.

What goes around comes around.

Couldn't agree more. Homegirl.

Gross actually. Not sure what his dilemma is.

Guilt?

Guilt or he's so stuck on himself he has no clue.

Totally. Equally as lame.

Hope she finds a nice, together man.

What really bothers me about this whole thing is the message you send to other people.

How long has it been since you read the news about girls starving themselves to be thin?

How long since you were in High School and noticed the hotties who made life miserable for the kids who weren't as pretty or handsome.

How long since you've watched a news program about a kid who is bullied because they aren't feeling as good as other kids. You need to look at the bullycide rate and read why they committed suicide. It was because the bullies didn't think they were pretty enough or smart enough or popular enough to be treated like a human being.

Women having plastic surgery like some of us go to the grocery store.

Women buying any expensive product to look better.

Women and young girls binging and purging themselves to death.

Woman dying to be beautiful and a lot of them do die after plastic surgery.


You should be ashamed of yourself.

Yup, gives good men a bad name.

He should live in a room full of mirrors. Lock the door & through away the key.

Take a REAL good look at himself...

He does not deserve to have a girlfriend like he did. To say that she shouldn't wear make up because that's cheating! I bet he shaves his face! Maybe even uses gel in his hair... I bet he would look ugly too if he didn't maintain himself.

Also anyone who judges people by their looks isn't someone I would go out with. One day when he gets his good looking bimbo he will understand where beauty really comes from. Inside!

Ya know, not sure what the issue is anymore with the OP.

If he's looking for redemption, relieve his guilt, hear that he's doing the right thing...

Then yes, you did the right thing by leaving. Its done.

No one should be secretly deceived as you reap the nice things for so long. That's simply cruel.

Pretty shallow.

We are all saying the same thing. Get it?

Move on ezio, just try not to hurt anyone in the process.

The fact that he wasted 7 years of this woman's life and now can't take the fact that she is unattractive is just repulsive to me. Then tries to say she deceived hm by wearing makeup! Come on.
She could have been over him and happy with someone else.
What a creep!

There's that word repulsed again.

Hmmm...

Theres that word repulsed again.

Hmmm...
Is there a meaning behind that Hmmm?

I don't think he really loved her. I think he just loved the kind of girldfirend she was. I think if she looked better he would love her, but she doesn't so he kept her cause she made him happy in other ways. I think he is just selfish by keeping her for so long just because she was good to him even though he didn't truly love her

Just joking w/jp, sorry. My fault.

I dont think he really loved her. I think he just loved the kind of girldfirend she was. I think if she looked better he would love her, but she doesnt so he kept her cause she made him happy in other ways. I think he is just selfish by keeping her for so long just because she was good to him even though he didnt truely love her

You could be right.


Just joking w/jp, sorry. My fault.
No problem

I hate it when men (not all) judge a woman by her looks.

They aren't men kit... Well at least I like to think they are poor excuses for men

Yup, a book by its cover, both of them...

He probably resembles Goober Pyle. Just an opinion

The one who couldn't communicate, but sang like a bird.

Out of 63 answers (posts) only 2 of them are from the OP. If he does not return, then I think we should all abort.

... just saying

I agree. Was thinking the same thing, thanks.

If wants to dig deeper into why, show something other than selfishness, be a man. Then Im here.

If he wants to blow it off for another bachelor party, then, not.

Curiosity killed the cat, yo. Me included.

Im on hiatus.

I am so done with this thread.

The OP'er is not a saint and has some issues of grandeur... but really... some people are not willing to own the fact that they modify their behavior to attract the opposite sex.

I choose the clothes I wear for two reasons... I like it/them/whatever for myself and I think it looks good on me, which seems to have some weight concerning the opposite sex. Both angles are considered, and when I'm looking to flirt or find a mate, ill dress in a manner that I think is most attractive to the women I'm interested in. call me a pig for that. Don't care.

*SIGH* I give up. Just not a fight I wish to have anymore.

Why is it so freakin hard to admit that the opinion of the opposite sex (or whomever you are interested in) plays into how you dress, smell, and look?

Why is it shameful to admit we want to be attractive to our potential mates?

I'm am so done. Outtie for good.

i am so done with this thread.

the OP'er is not a saint and has some issues of grandeur... but really... some people are not willing to own the fact that they modify their behavior to attract the opposite sex.

i choose the clothes i wear for two reasons... i like it/them/whatever for myself and i think it looks good on me, which seems to have some weight concerning the opposite sex. both angles are considered, and when im looking to flirt or find a mate, ill dress in a manner that i think is most attractive to the women im interested in. call me a pig for that. dont care.

*SIGH* i give up. just not a fight i wish to have anymore.

why is it so freakin hard to admit that the opinion of the opposite sex (or whomever you are interested in) plays into how you dress, smell, and look?

why is it shameful to admit we want to be attractive to our potential mates?

im am so done. outtie for good.




What is shameful... is there are women who read things like this and think
They don't stand a chance with a guy if they don't have big boobs, long legs, perfect features, perfect figures. It's a chauvinist attitude to even say this about the woman he supposedly loves.

My husband is very handsome and I'm no dog... I have found that the cutie playboys who think they hung the moon are the worst guys in the world. I never fell for a line of crap except once the first time I was married to a "Hunk". He was an A$$H---.

Yes we all dress to be attractive and we want to smell good and be pleasing to look at. AS I stated this guy suddenly decides she's not attractive enough! WAKE UP !
He's a p---. No who wants to go out with a man or woman who stinks! Not me. I buy perfume my husband likes sure, he does the same with mens colonge. I wear my hair the I want to wear it! I dress the way I want to dress and I wear makeup.
FOR ME! NOT for anyone else. I love my husband and I'm proud of the way he looks and dresses , he's proud of me also. Never once, not once has he told me not to wear this or that or makeup.


No more discussing.I think this guy thinks he's the catch of the year. NOT!
The op is not the kind of guy I would ever want any female I know to get involved with.:rolleyes:

She deserves better this isn't right.

My girlfriend who I am giong through problems with has cellulite that she complains about. Guess what, none of that bothers me one little bit.