My sister really doesn't like me. When we were little, she would tell me I was fat, stupid and ugly. I really looked up to her, so I believed her. I had horrible self esteem as a result. Through the years, I acted sort of awful, because if you don't have self esteem it hurts your personality and relationship with others. But, once I got away from her and realized I wasn't so bad, I started working on myself and my confidence. It seems the kinder and cooler I am, the more she hates me. What is she so jealous of? I'm told I'm attractive, but so is she! It's like she's threatened by me, but she's married to a great guy, has two adorable children, just voluntarily left her job as a bank vp to spend more time with her kids and has no debt. In contrast, I live a happy (mostly!), single life, I'm 36, still date a couple of times a month and have a job I love. We are both bright and have gotten advanced degrees, but I did notice that she wasn't interested in grad school until I started and then applied and was accepted into a very good school. She does that a lot. She always feels she has to 'keep up'. I think that's a sad way to live.

The past two years she has not invited me to some important family events (parents' anniversary dinner!). I haven't been invited to her birthday for the past two years. She has not come to mine. I send her boys nice gifts and even try to occasionally send them cards and little silly presents. The silly thing about all this is I think she's really amazing and I'm proud of her accomplishments. I tell her all the time, but she acts distant and doesn't say anything nice about my accomplishments. It plain hurts my feelings!

I don't want to be a whiner or a victim, but man I'd love it if she'd just get over it. If I try to bring it up, she becomes vicious and lashes out at me.

I've taken to referring to her as my 'bad' sister (I have a 'good' one too).

Me

This is her issue not yours.

She's unlikely to 'get over it', as she's jealous and immature.

Be kind, be cool and try not to worry. You can't change her.

For some reason, she is jealous of you, and always has been. Her self confidence depends upon being able to bolster her self esteem, at your expense. Simply put, she feels better by zapping you of yours, and, because it worked, the pattern has lasted and continues to last, right into adulthood.

Because she is your sister, you put up with it. You do and say things to keep the peace, and, in so doing, you give her far too much power over you.

This is not behaviour you would likely accept from any other human being.

My advice to you is to realize that you cannot change her. You cannot erase the hurt and harm she has caused to you for all these years. You will never answer the question you've asked, "why does my sister dislike me?", (which is actually not the problem I don't think.

Recognize the pattern in the behaviour, and allow yourself to feel the usual emotional hit she throws your way. When it happens, and you feel that dropping sensation, feel it for what it is, and tuck it way. Don't think about it, don't deal with it, don't fret and stew over it, don't try to find a reason for it.

Just let it go. If it helps, after you are able to recognize the physical effect when it happens, write it out in a journal. What the event, or conversation was, how you felt with her words or actions, and that you dealt with it by writing it out. Eventually you will find your own comfortable place without remorse, in seeing her behaviour for what it is. When you deal with it, and then close the book, it will no longer affect you.

Turn this around and let it be not so much you trying to understand what you are doing wrong, or why she treats you this way, but rather, how you are going to change your thinking and responses to her.

See her as a person who for some reason, feels competitive and jealous of you. Those traits are pretty apparent. (at least to me, on the outside) But her behaviour belongs to her, and how you respond to it (even by not responding) is up to you.

Choose to regain your power so to speak, and learn through recognizing the signs, what is about to happen, or happen, and see it for what it is. Even if you don't understand it.

It will take work, but it is not unlike any other relationship, where an imbalance causes a perceived shortfall of one's own characteristics- how your sister sees herself. Remember she has been comfortable bouncing negativity off you for years.

Time to start blocking it in concrete ways, for your own self esteem. You cannot change her, but you can learn to change your reaction to her.

I agree very much with jakes reply to your question.

It does seem that you have grown up and are now living a happy well adjusted life,your sister seems to be stuck in a childhood behaviour,I'm betting she exhibits the same behaviour in other areas of her life,its not just restricted to you.

While you have grown up become independent,good self esteem,confident and successful,she perhaps feels that she needs to compete? Perhaps her self esteem is low and the only way she can cope with your success is to put you down and make herself feel better,if your standing beside her example at family functions she may feel people are comparing the two of you and it makes her feel uncomfortable and scared.

Try and look beyond the comments she makes and her behaviour,you have dealth with past hurts,she may still not have confronted hers.

She is an adult now,if she is not willing to hear what you have to say,she is not going to change her ways,you can either take it on the chin and say 'god love her,she's in a bad place' and move on,or take on her hurts and rehash the past,

You make your decisions and choices,she makes hers.

Short of just asking her what the issue is, I think you've done all you can. Continue to applaud her accomplishments and invite her to things and if she fails to invite you to something and you hear about it, you have nothing to loose - just call and say, "any particular reason I was excluded from Mom and Dad's anniversary dinner when everyone else in the family was invited? That really hurt my feelings."

I think it's better to shine the light on this kind of behaviors than let it go - at least you know that you didn't tolerate it.