Hi,

I am now in a relationship with a girl since 5 months ago, but we only recently had a talk on a rather touchy subject ''Sensitivity''. She often makes jokes that depress me, like joking about breaking up, or insulting me. She KNOWS that I hate these jokes, but she also knows that she cannot stop making them. She herself came down to realize she is an insensitive person, and she is bothered by it. Is there any way I can help her be a little more sensitive?

I wonder if part of it might be some insecurity on her part as well? Perhaps, maybe without even realizing it, she is fishing for assurance that you are really interested in her and are sticking around.

For example, if she makes a "joke" about leaving, and you respond by wondering how she could think that or say such a thing, your reaction may provide her with that reassurance. Has this been recent or since the start of the relationship? Might be she has worries about getting too serious if it is recent.

Some people are just naturally more, or less, sensitive or empathetic than others. Some might be repeating what they grew up with as the norm.

At least she now knows what she is doing and how you feel about it. Have you asked her if she wants help with it and how she thinks you might be able to do that? Would gently reminding her when she makes such a remark help her, or might she become defensive? The two of you might want to discuss it.

This reminds me of two of my good friends. The girl is very nice and a good person, but has a sarcastic sense of humor. The guy is a very good friend, and feels the way you do. They had a serious talk, well several of them. They came to the conclusion that she needs to be more thoughtful and he needs to be less sensitive. They have been getting along much better since they determined they both have a part in this.

Or maybe you could be less sensitive, and not take her words so personally.

@DoulaLC Normally, when I do remind her, she just ''laughs it off'', but later on feels bad.

@Just Looking Yes, we had exactly the same conclusion, and I was really hoping it would get better after this.

@talaniman I know this would be the best solution, and I'll try to be less sensitive in the future. I was just asking if there was a way for her to be more sensitive as I became less.

Lead by example, and let her choose to follow. If you walk a good path, maybe she will too.

There's also the technique of using positive reinforcement. When she says something sweet, nice, non-offensive, be sure to smile, thank her, hug her or do something to show your pleasure. When she says something sarcastic, try to not react - either to her or within yourself.

She sounds mean to me.

To 'joke' about something that isn't funny, only serves a purpose to upset, or 'get to' somebody, because they know that their words hurt.

Sure she can stop it. She's an adult. Does she joke to her boss about quitting? What if he calls her bluff. Not a stretch to say that she picks who she wishes to bother or hurt.

Would she 'joke' about you being overwieght if you were, or having to wear glasses, or needing a cane? Would tripping jokes appeal to her?

I think you get my drift.

There is no reason on earth why you should have to 'train' her not to joke about things that are hurtful and mean.

Tell her to just stop it. If she cannot muster up the brain cells to do that, I would consider her personality to be ascerbic, and find a kinder person.

Perhaps she is just very sarcastic... which can really rub some people the wrong way. I assume she has been like this since you first got together?

Since she claims to be bothered by it, call her out on it when it happens. She may laugh it off at first because she realizes she has been called on it... part embarassement/part defensive tactic.

It may simply be habit, which can be changed, or it may just be her personality. If you want to see if things will improve, stick around, try to grow a thicker skin, and continue to remind her. Sometimes just a knowing look and walking away after such a remark will send the message. Sometimes not reacting can curb the very action you are wanting to change.

You will know before long whether she makes a conscience effort to change, if you will be able to just ignore or laugh off the comments when they come up, or if you are going to have to make a decision of whether to continue the relationship or not.

Thank you everyone for all your answers. You've been a great help.