Hi there,

Basically my girlfriend and I have been together for over 3 years. I’m 30 year old. She is 9 years older. I decided to go back to college at the same time (year) we start going out together. I wanted to get a qualification to basically get a better job and a career. These 3 years together have been wonderful, real happiness, you know! We both could say it WAS perfect. We overcome so many problems and prejudice from other people about the age difference and background (I am a foreigner in her country). Anyway, due to the global financial crisis last year I decided to do another 2 years of course which would give me a degree and of course more changes of a better job and a career. I have been studying full-time and work as many hours as I can (over 30 hrs/week) to pay for the course. Living, bills, etc. She has been very supportive and always backed me up without asking anything back. And I appreciate and love her so much for everything she’s done for me and for being there all the time. I cannot describe it!

The last couple of months she decide she wants to have a baby.. out of the blue. I said it is not the right time because of my degree, full-time job and expenses. Also I might need to move city depending on job offers since there’s nothing near us like companies etc that could offer me a job in the area which I am studying. So to avoid the expenses of commuting miles and miles it would be cheaper to move near to work (in future only).

However she insists about the baby, like NOW. And she does not want to move even knowing she hates the city we live (she always said many and many times.) and when I get a new job after uni, we could live in a better place, nice house etc and start the family. She wants to move to Oz (her biggest dream) So I promissed her that I would try to take us over there but first I'd need experience to get the visa.


Well, she left me! I feel horrible. She cannot wait another 10 – 12 months until I finish uni. She wants it now. I do not know if there is something to do with her age (close to 40s) or the fact of moving to another city. We have tried to talk, but she only says we want different things (even knowing for me it’s about the time). I told her I love her I want a baby but I have to finish my course and get a proper job. I don’t have time much for us due to work and course. I know it is my fault. I keep telling her it is temporary and this time this year it will be us in a better life.

She moved out! According to her she wants a baby and being with me would only hold me away from my dream of getting the job I always wanted and have been studying. (no she has not met anyone)

Even if I give her a baby now she will probably not want to move away and I’ll feel bad for leaving my family behind because something I always wanted to achieve and I have been proud of myself for everything I have achieved so far.

I do want a family but I also want my career sorted first! I tried to convince her but didn’t work. I am on my own wishing her back so badly. People say move one (I had a few opportunities to met other people and apparently there is some interest on me) but I don’t want. I want her back.

What would you guys recommend? And girls, what would you expect to me to do if you were her?

Relationships are not one sided and I think she is being a bit one sided here.. there needs to be a happy medium.. some sort of compromise... I understand that it may have something to do with her age but have you asked her what her reason for wanting one right this second are? And even if you tried there's no saying she is going to get pregnant right away.. I am a healthy 25 year old female and it took me 8 months of trying to get pregnant with my daughter.. sounds like she wants to take take take and not give at all... which is a tad selfish.. I know that sounds harsh but it is... she probably expects you to buckle and give in to her demands... but who is she going to find to get her pregnant now? Sounds like there is a lot that you two haven't discussed and probably should... having a baby that you can't afford is insane because it is the child that suffers in the long run... as a woman at that age she should already know that

It sounds like she is listening to her biological clock ticking -- and oh woe, if she doesn't have a baby soon, she will never have one.

There are so many ways to have a baby and children in your life instead of producing your own -- adoption, volunteering, working in a field involved with children. And if she has a baby now, she will be experiencing menopause at the most stressful time in her child's life (the teens). If she dumps you, how quickly will she be able to find a new boyfriend and convince him to get her pregnant? Or is she planning to become a single mother? (I hope not.)

She's in panic mode, running scared, watching the clock tick, and is also worried about her future with you. Is there some way to get her to a few sessions with you and a counselor to untangle some of these threads?

She wants a baby more than you or a relationship it sounds like.

No compromise here. Selfish.

"She wants it now"

If she's not willing to compromise, get help, wait, whatever, then let her have one & concentrate on your studies.

Any female who cannot work with me to define our common goals, and how to get there, is NOT going to work, and love has nothing to do with it.

She left, good riddance, now achieve your goals without her.

Wanting a Baby more than a relationship with you speaks volumes.

Do as talaniman suggests you can't be held to hostage for being the more sensible, Babies are very expensive and theyre that way until theyre 18 at least, all credit to you for being more realistic.

I can understand why shes so desperate but to risk her relationship with you thats not good.

Thank you all.

I don't know what to do... she really wants a baby. I also want one with her no one else but it cannot be now. I tried to explained it to her many times... I don't know what to say anymore... She has agreed she has been selfish about the bany and she also thinks that being away from me it will only help me to achieve my goals. A baby would hold me here with her. I just don't understand I have offered everything she wants a baby, house, comfortable & secure life but I cannot give it to her right now but I will.

Well, there is not much you can do. I have to agree with others - she left you, but it will take time for her to find another man to have a child with - which will probably take longer then time frame you're asking for. So I think she dealt you an ultimatum of a kind just to see how far you will go for her. A bit immature, but maybe she has doubts in you and how serious you are about her and your future together?

Keep communication open, but if no one will budge, then the best course is to move on. You can't have a relationship with someone who is totally not on the same page with you as far as future goals and commitments go.

Is this 'out of the blue'? You had certain plans when you got involved with her that you changed. Was that a mutual decision or did you tell her what you decided and go from there? Could she have had other expectations that she wasn't as vocal about such as wanting a family?

Does she have a career?

You say that she has mentioned having a child for the past couple of months. Did something else happen besides her biological clock ticking? Could she have had a pregnancy scare?

Whilst I can understand her body clock may be urging her on there is one thing being overlooked here I feel, that being that any and every child deserves 2 parents.

Which would have me questioning why she wants a Baby to begin with if its going to be born disadvantaged from day one by her not having the Father around, or possibly not then, Having a child means more than getting pregnant, it means being prepared to spend 18 years of your life taking care of that child providing for it, nurturing it, making sure it is well cared for emotionally and physically.

Yes theyre cute little things but they grow into bigger possibly uncute even, but they still need 100% responsible parents.

I am trying to keep the communication on... I think it is the best I can do

No she hasn't got a career. It is not exactly out of the blue. She always wanted a child. However her attitude now is a surprise. Like I said we start going out together a month before I started 2 years college and due to the global financial crisis last year I decided to do another 2 years which would give me a degree and of course more changes of a better job and a career.

Her disappointment was the waiting for me to conclude the final 2 years. I don't have a day off during the week We still spend some time together maybe not as much as she wants. However I asked her she said it is not a problem and she appreciates what I am doing and trying to achieve. Anyway, I never promised her anything before finishing uni but I always make sure she understand that as soon as I finish uni and get a job we can start thinking about family, house, etc.

I just want to make sure my child or even children have anything they need.. and right now it is not the best time.. I am not prepared financially. I don't know just wish she would change her mind.

Anyway, I never promised her anything before finishing uni but I always make sure she understand that as soon as I finish uni and get a job we can start thinking about family, house, etc.

Were you saying that before you started the second course? Is she afraid that you will start a third course? Is she afraid that it will turn into having a job for a year? Or a year after emigrating?

I do think you need to be financially stable to have a child. I do see your side of this. I am trying to see her side too.

Excellent question Cat... it sounds like the decision to go back to school for another two year course was not part of the original circumstances when you first got together.

Since she is 39, I can fully understand her wanting to move the baby making along. Fertility can be a very real issue when women get into their later 30's and are facing their 40's. Has she had friends who have recently had babies? This can sometimes make the ticking of the clock for noticeable.

I too can understand the desire to be in a better place financially before having a baby. Some things to consider:

*could you actually afford a child now, but are just preferring to be better off first?
*if not trying for a baby soon is a deal breaker for her, would you be able to understand that?
*is there any room for compromise... get one year of this new degree under your belt and then try for a baby?

It may be that the difference in age does play a role for you two after all. Not that you can't get along, or that you didn't care for each other, but that you are at two different stages of your lives and your ages play a very big role in that. There is nothing wrong with that... it just is.

What stands out more than anything is not your ages, but the inability to interact and work together to get through this difficult period. Ages are secondary when you both are unwilling to talk, compromise, and seek a solution to a basic question,

When to start a family? I get you see things differently, but do the math, and understand,

40+18=58 for her, and 58+18=76 roughly before she sees a grandchild. I understand her hurry. I may not agree with it, but its very real.

And there is no guarantee when your career after schooling will produce enough for you to "afford" a child.

Having said that, her leaving after not getting what she wants is a huge red flag, that maybe you two don't work that well together right now. Maybe she will see her error, or maybe not, but its not a reason to have a child, nor stop what your trying to do.

Leave her alone, and finish what you were doing for yourself.

I agree. Screw the math, though. Let her worry about that. Don't feel her pressure. That's hers.

She either wants you or not. Forget the baby thing.

You are committed to doing something good, right? Finishing your education. She knew.

If she can't get with that & what she has learned by being together, is worried, then let her go.

First things first.

This sounds like a giant girl exit, hormones or not.