As some of you know,I am bipolar.

In the last few ?months? I have been in a new phase,one where things aren't peachy.

Mornings are fuzzy,caffeine takes some of the haze out of the picture,but then it seems too much.Water does a lot for me the rest of the day.

Yes,I have discussed this with my Psyche doc,the GP is still out for another week or so(at least,I'm not sure when I will get IN to see him:( )

Having a few reality checks written on others,none have been returned, either they have accepted what my irrational thinking stated or they have outright denied my words(and me).At some points,I really don't think I care.Other times,I am worried.Insecurity plays a roll in all our lives and with me being such a big communicator I have a choice,either accept things as they are or make a change.

Chaos already rules in the irrational mind so accepting chaos is simple,but has no effect,serves no real purpose.I can continue on this path forever,but somewhere it has to be curbed.Inaction(apathy)doesn't do anything for me other than deny myself living life.

The doc says he hears some depression still lingering and doesn't see the need to limit the meds, he is almost on the verge of INcreasing them again:eek:, Just when I thought(there I go thinking again),that things were on the upswing:(

The more aware I am of my moods,the more they bother me.

I haven't sat inpatient for more than a year, that is a very good thing(as it used to be multiple visits annually)I have taken the crutch out of being in there.(New doc and new meds have made that unnecessary)Now I am again wondering what this phase is going to deliver to me.

Almost ALL people in my life have been painfully aware(some brutally honest remarks,moods,anger,self hate projected,etc)of these moods.I don't seem to have control of the moods, or my reactions.I don't like feeling out of control.

So much for today's blog.

I have to say KBC, your posts are insightfull and usually right on the mark,I personally have not seen any sign of apathy,uncaring or confusion in your posts,quite the contrary actually.

I believe awareness of self plays an important role in taking control,you are aware,you are taking action,your not ignoring your feelings or thoughts, and while I would encourage some examination of those thoughts try not to critic them or over analysis them,if you find yourself doing that,stop... dead in your tracks and redirect your thoughts.

visualise parking those thoughts and engage a different part of your brain,either by solving crosswords or by 'fixing' something.

Do you exercise?

I find physical exercise to the point where I have to push my body and concentrate on my breathing and rhythm is very effective in 'parking ' the chaotic mind.

Your brain [B]has too[B] concentrate on the body.

As far as using caffeine too clear the fuss have you tried any herbal teas?

i have to say KBC, your posts are insightful and usually right on the mark,i personally have not seen any sign of apathy,uncaring or confusion in your posts,quite the contrary actually.

i believe awareness of self plays an important role in taking control,you are aware,you are taking action,your not ignoring your feelings or thoughts, and while i would encourage some examination of those thoughts try not to critic them or over analysis them,if you find yourself doing that,stop...dead in your tracks and redirect your thoughts.

visualize parking those thoughts and engage a different part of your brain,either by solving crosswords or by 'fixing' something.

do you exercise?

i find physical exercise to the point where i have to push my body and concentrate on my breathing and rhythm is very effective in 'parking ' the chaotic mind.

your brain has to concentrate on the body.

as far as using caffeine too clear the fuss have you tried any herbal teas?

Thank you for the words of encouragement red,I really do appreciate them,especially when I am feeling alone and... you know.. alone:(

I exercise in a way that isn't what is considered exercise... I DO things to keep busy,some things are more productive than others,but what I FEEL while doing them has the desired effects.Pressure washing the decks and staining them,long hours in the cabinet shop making whatever floats my boat,doing the occasional jobs and visits to clients for future work.. it's just not the same as previous years.

I am missing satisfaction in life.Not interested in those pursuing me for me because myself worth is and has been in the dumps for years.The opinions offered to others sometimes makes me feel like I am a hypocrite,other times,I am really into the comments and believe I make a difference.. it's a roller coaster ride with many hills.

Herbal teas(e)... hehe

I haven't actually.I am a coffee drinker.I dream about the first cup in the morning,I actually look forward to waking just for that purpose.Sad isn't it:p

I feel your pain on the coffee front,I'm a die hard coffee addict,but my consumption was staggering!

I switched too herbal teas,still like my coffee but its within more acceptable human levels.

I wonder have you sat down and considered a total career change?

This may sound a little out there but how about a life coach?

I'm doing a course at the moment in life coaching and its very different to what I am normally attracted too but I'm loving it...

If that's not your cup of coffee,how about writing a book?

I bet there's a book in you,even a self help book for people in a similar situation.

Or 'things to do in your shed' like your woodwork or making cabinets,its certainly a catchy title,and I only want 10%!

Sometimes when we post are own lives may be in upheavel but that does not mean we can't see clearly how someone else can improve theirs.

I think instint takes over and we know after a while whether our posts stink or not... I would not have any fears on that level if I were you.

As for the 'alone' been there and hated it,but something happened during that time and now I crave alone time,without the heaviness of feeling alone.

Red is right on the mark with some wonderful advice for you. (had to spread the Rep, Red).

I too have had medication for depression, which I didn't even recognize in myself. It was a GP who put the pieces together, and noticed the nosedive after a series of personal events. It is sometimes, in other words, not always possible to see in yourself, what you can clearly see in others.

Being unhappy with being on medication, I took a bit of a different approach, rather that just taking the Doctors word for it that I needed it, and therefore blindly followed popping the pills.

I worked on the reasons, and how I was processing them, and whether I was a happier person because of my own actions. Sounds simple right? Try taking an inventory of a bowl of cooked spaghetti noodles. Not an easy task to identify specifics about every noodle.

What my Doctor saw, was not a big bowl of identical noodles. She saw noodles that were undercooked, some overcooked, some looking like they just came out of the box, others that were taller, some shorter, etc. To her the noodles needed work, and she was right.

I did not, and never would, stop medication without her approval, but what I'm saying is that the medication is only one part of this. The diagnosis is only one part of this. How you limit, or free yourself as far as the associated behaviour goes, is up to you- the pills will not change who you are, and who you want to be.

What Red has said, worked in many ways for me. I stopped thinking so much in negative ways, and instead, bought a bike. I ride often, for no other purpose than to see Lake Ontario in all its glory, once a day. I don't expect riding the bike, to change me. But what has changed me is how I direct the bike, to give me a bigger focus on my world, the people in it, the vast beauty that surrounds me like a waiting ship to paradise. It is all- right there!

I think what I'm trying to say is, pretty much what Red said, and that is to take your mind off yourself, get active whether you want to, and if you push that door open, you will experience so much more than the symptoms you have described of yourself.

I have come to realize that I have a lot of living to do, and a lot less thinking.