Hi all. I am not actually having any problem. I was just thinking about something and I thought I'd ask how many working people among us face the same problem. I and my fiancée love each other madly, we are both into a settled relationship(getting married next year) both are high profile working people everything is normal.
But the problem is when there are issues. We have both hectic work life, then gym and all. We seem to lose patience many a times and unnecessarily say things which we never mean,say for example: We are going to office and he is driving fast and I ask him to slow down it would irritate him and he asks me not to comment on his driving,then the whole day same issues reccur. Lets also see the other side(though not good one yaar its against me ;-) )He has had a tiring day ,he is extremely stressed but fortunately I has a cool day @ the office,now I want to go out also,he first says is it necessary and then I play a baby to be taken out,he agrees . I get dressed into a brand new red dress and GOSH! HE DIDN'T NOTICE MY DRESS ALL EVENING! I get upset,I don't say a word after we go home I would take out everything on him.
Actually the fights are not a problem as they always help us to work out a relationship in a better direction the problem is why are we losing the patience we used to have.
I know stress is a reason but how can we cope up with it? My fiancée also has this problem that he cannot take criticism sportingly so when I have any issues and I want to discuss this also creates a new issue.
I was thinking over it because after marriage we will have children and I don't think marriage makes any new wonders.The fights today will be there tomorrow,but both of us don't want our children to suffer in any way due to this.
What do all of you out there do in this kind of situation?and how do you keep your cool.I don't know how to be patient again,I've tried and failed many times so if any of you has a good medicine there please share ;-)

You could try learning how to compromise, maybe go out on 2 or so pre-arranged nights per week, or go out with your g/friends if he's feeling too tired.

Don't look for compliments or for him to validate yourself worth, just be confident being you, some men don't always notice every time their partner gets a new dress, some men are too tired or pre-occupied but its you he's with.

When he's driving too fast, don't tell him, just say Darling can you please slow down, I am not secure when someone drives fast.

If he gets impatient, suggest he sits down has a drink or reads the paper, this will allow him time to relax a little, when he gets home from work, let him unwind before you ask him to do something, allow him a right to his opinion, and he should do the same, Don't tell him what to do ask him politely.

Pamper him and he do the same. Talk to each other and listen to each other, don't expect anything from him, and in same token he be the same with you.

You're in a relationship, not an ownership, you're still two independent individuals, sharing a time span, you're still entitled to live your own lives and not expect each other to do everything the other one wants, to be able to freely say no to one another.

Try to remember that you don't own each other and you should find life gets easier.

Good Luck...

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
As it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
If I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
And supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

This works for me, and I never take it personally when she gets angry, because I know it too shall pass. Knowing when to shut up (Me, because she won't) helps a lot too. Defining clear boundaries for fighting is what you should do. For example-No name calling, no hitting, spitting, scratching, etc!

In front of the kids, keep it clean, because they will repeat what they see, and act they way they see things. Couples can't avoid disagreements, misunderstandings, resentments, and hurt feelings. What defines a couple is HOW they cope with it.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/dating/love-married-man-126453.html

This sounds like the same guy, and it seems you have come along way since you last posted here. I can only assume he got his divorce.

You may consider that your schedules are too full. Do you each take a full day of relaxation each week? The Jewish tradition requires a Sabbath, that every seventh day is to be set aside from work and personal pleasure, and given to rest, building family relationships, etc. They consider it fundamental, part of the design of how man was made.

So a little more rest and relaxation time may recharge your batteries.

Active listening may help... When there is an issue, practice restating what your partner says so they know that you are really hearing them. At first, just concentrate on being able to restate to them what you hear them saying their view is, not what you want to add to it.

If you are doing this, it forces some patience. Also allow for some decent breaks of silence, let them spend out their frustration before you speak. Interrupting them may just lead to them getting defensive and restating what they already said, and you both getting even less patience.

The goal is to make sure they know you are really hearing what they have to say. Many arguments are fueled by the other person not feeling like they have been heard. Also. Argument feeds on disagreement. Once she is agreeing you have really heard her, she doesn't have anything to argue with.

If the other knows they are really being heard, then they may be more able to process any corrections you would like to make to what they think, or more precisely corrections to the facts as you see them. And she may be more willing to hear any thoughts and opinions you'd like to share with her.

When you get to the point of having fully understood her point of view to her satisfaction, you might also use this technique to share your opinion: Feel Felt Found

"I can feel how you are saying that you..... I felt that way to in this similar situation.... What I found is this...."

Here's an example: Yesterday I met a woman who had a small chihuaha and it was really barking at me as I was trying to walk by and look at some cats. This is called guarding behavior. It is one of the biggest problems shelters have a problem in adopting out small dogs.

I mentioned that, and to her husband, they also had two small kids. They told me their dog was a puppy. I told them they should consider getting some training on how to deal with that guarding behavior. He said that they thought the guarding behavior was cute.

I told them the problem is that the behavior can get worse if not dealt with. He still was still thinking it was OK.

I then used more of a Feel Felt Found approach. I told him it is definitely cute. I like fiesty dogs that have spirit. A friend tried to adopt a small dog from a shelter and the shelter would not adopt to her unless she took a class in how to deal with guarding behaviors. I looked into the issue and found that it is the biggest problem shelters have on doing adoptions of small dogs, and that the behavior can get very bad, to the point where the dog is guarding the wife against the husband, or the puppy is guarding its food against the children. They will get used to guarding whoever or whatever they are closest to. But when a dog is young it is much easier to deal with this behavior so the dog can be a good dog. When the problem is allowed to progress into adulthood, it is much more difficult to deal with.

He came away saying he was going to do some research too, and they both thanked me very much for sharing that with them.

Good luck with your eventual marriage.

It's all about balance. No two days are the same, but if there are more good days, than bad days, then it all balances out on the plus side.

Just the other day I picked my husband up at the garage where he dropped his girlfriend off. ('She' being an 89' Bronco), and he was late getting there. I was annoyed because that was going to make me late getting somewhere else.

So, while driving home, he said I was driving too fast and didn't I realize a cop was going to nail me and it would cost a fortune. Then, he said NOT to stop when some guy was backing in a trailer into his driveway- I stopped. Then it was taking the 'wrong' route home, then it was parking wrong in the driveway. The nitpicking carried on until I got the baseball bat and... just kidding. Pick pick pick. Finally he shut up after a few choice words between us, and I was steaming still, until the next day- when he apologized for being such a jerk.

This after 34 years of marriage. We still argue, we still get over it, I still have to straighten him out on a regular basis, and he is yet to realize after all these years that I am always right... uh huh..

Anger is an honest emotion. I worry about people who don't argue. But there are ways of arguing that bring about resolve and change. Not to mention we are human and from time to time, we react in a way that is inappropriate, take too much out on our partners, and don't resolve things.

If you are arguing over the same things all the time, it is time to figure out how to resolve that issue once and for all. A mutually respectful talk, with the maturity to give and take, and reach a compromise. An argument unsolved, will only get bigger, and resentment will grow. In other words, you have to deal with it. Together.

Tricking or guilting a partner into accepting blame or laying on the guilt, without accepting your part of the argument, won't solve anything.

It will never be perfect, you will always argue from time to time, and the key is to allow for compromise in the communication department. Dealing with anger appropriately is the key to building a strong relationship. Not dealing with it will most certainly destroy the foundation the two of you have built.

When you want him to take you out, don't do the baby thing. Make the arrangements yourself, and take him out. If he doesn't notice the new red dress, take a picture of yourself in it, print it off, and stick it to the bathroom mirror with the following caption- "Are you blind?". Humour goes a long way too, don't take offence to what he doesn't do, rather, turn it around to get your point across with a new approach.

If fighting is helping you work on tweaking the problems in the relationship, and fighting is actually solving problems, then what's wrong with fighting- that is a good thing. Get the emotion out there on the table and deal with it.

But I would advise you to pick your battles, and realize that some things are just not worth fighting about, especially if it has to to with criticizing the other on minor issues such as not noticing a new red dress. If you want him to notice you, take OFF the dress, and do other things to get his attention.

A little bit of creativity will go a long way.

Humour goes a long way too, don't take offence to what he doesn't do, rather, turn it around to get your point across with a new approach.


It's hard for someone to argue with you when they are smiling at you... "A kind word turneth aside wrath"

And, studies indicate that women may be biologically attracted to men who can make them laugh because that ability shows that he has more intelligence than someone who is not humorous.

The key is doing humor in such a way that you show her that you are taking her seriously.


I disagree with "Are you blind?" as it is a put down of the other person, and an invitation to defensiveness.

Possibly a better approach would be to print pictures of yourself in two different nice dresses, and asking which is better, letting him know you want to wear the one he likes best for a surprise you are planning for him.

Which picture and question would be most likely to encourage a best behaviour response?

Thanks Jake ,I suppose you're most close to the answer to this question. You know I was angry with him and I gave it out here.But he loves me immensely and tries to keep me happy most of the times, I do the same. We can't imagine life without each other even after 2 years love grows everyday. If we love each other so much we obviously can take the quarrels to as long as they are decent. Isn't it?
Just wanted to add a bit of humour here which is true: When I posted this comment I knew we would have a fight as I was angry and so did it happen and outcome of which was he notices my dresses these days ;-)
And AND he was driving fast the other day and we banged!! I got mad @ him and he promised he won't drive fast again as he has responsibility of both of us . Now lets see what is the next topic of our cute little fight.
Thanks all for helping :-)